The Inside Edge, page 22
He took a picture of it there, with his left hand in the frame, flipping the bird, and sent it to Nate.
Fucking Nate. What an asshole.
Aubrey loved him so much. Wish you were here, he started to write, but then he paused and erased. He didn’t have the right to say that, did he? He’d asked Nate to come, and Nate had said no. It wouldn’t be fair for Aubrey to keep reminding him, would it? To keep asking?
Nate should be here, no question. And maybe one day he would be, but it had to be his decision.
You’re an asshole, he said instead, and softened it with a laugh-crying face. Really, the sentiments came from the same place.
Chapter Twenty-Four
NATE WAS not a romantic gift-giver by nature. He always defaulted to the practical. When he needed to give someone a gift, he asked the recipient what they wanted. With Marty they’d gone so far as to purchase the items together and use them immediately rather than wrap them and wait for the occasion, be it birthday, anniversary, or Christmas. NHL money made it easy to buy extravagant gifts, and extravagance could make up for the lack of romance and surprise, Nate often found.
But Aubrey wasn’t Marty. Aubrey had never been in a romantic relationship before Nate. And Aubrey also wouldn’t be impressed with simple extravagance; he’d grown up with that. No, the way to please him would be to surprise him with something that showed how well Nate knew him. Nate was going to get him a romantic, thoughtful gift if it killed him, goddammit.
If the holiday crowds were any indication, it might.
He went to the bookstore first. With a clerk’s help, he found a few prospective series in similar veins to those he knew Aubrey liked, all in paperback, and bought the first two books in each set.
He was turning away from the cash desk when a child of about five or six ran into his leg and looked up with that expectant expression that children get when they look at their parents, which turned to easily read horror when he realized Nate was a stranger.
“Jimmy,” called a woman about Nate’s age from close to the door. She had a stroller as well, and a man wearing a similar coat to Nate’s stood next to her. “Sorry,” she said to Nate as Jimmy ran toward her, relief plain in his posture.
He shook his head and smiled. “It’s fine.”
Jimmy took his father’s hand and they walked away.
Cute kid, Nate thought wistfully.
Maybe someday.
After the bookstore, he puttered around the mall for an hour and popped in and out of stores, searching for inspiration. Aubrey had mentioned that the knives provided at his rental weren’t up to snuff, so Nate picked up a nice set, but that didn’t really count. He was tempted by a gorgeous cream sweater in an upscale department store, but it was a thick cable knit. Wouldn’t Aubrey roast wearing that in Vegas?
Instead he found himself fingering a very fine silk shirt in navy, with a pattern of tiny martini glasses. He liked the whimsy of it, and it reminded him of that first night in Winnipeg. Aubrey would’ve had something to say about it. He would have teased Nate until Nate blushed and suggested they could recreate that night once they got home. The thought made Nate feel suddenly very alone, but he bought the shirt anyway because Aubrey would love it.
But it wasn’t romantic. It didn’t feel like enough. Aubrey had asked him to move across the country, and he’d said no. He needed something good, something that would let Aubrey know, in no uncertain terms, that he wanted them to have a future together.
He paused in front of a swimwear shop, lost in thought.
And then he had an idea.
AUBREY HADN’T worn a harness since his first jump, when he was eight or so. And that had been nothing like this. He certainly had never landed a triple axel only to leap again and twirl midair to end up dangling crotch-first from an arena ceiling while acrobats on long cloth apparatuses performed aerial feats on either side.
He couldn’t wait to do this in front of an audience… except for one thing.
When the show started, he’d have even less opportunity to spend time with Nate.
With performances three nights a week and Nate needed in Chicago for filming three nights, the odds of them finding time to be together in person seemed stacked against them.
Aubrey missed him.
He’d never lived with a boyfriend—obviously, since he’d never had one—and his only roommates had been temporary ones at competitions. He was used to being alone… or he had been. These days he found himself turning on the television just so the house felt less empty. He had Greg over for dinner one night because he missed cooking and couldn’t muster the enthusiasm to make dinner just for himself.
Greg took one look around, raised his eyebrows, and immediately opened the wine he’d brought. But he didn’t made Aubrey talk about it, so that was nice.
The tech in charge of Aubrey’s wire lowered him smoothly back to the ice, moving him laterally so he could transition seamlessly into skating. After that, it was just one more spin and that segment of the program was over.
The gymnasts dismounted as well. One of them, Kyla, must have spotted someone she knew, because she hopped off the ice and right into someone’s arms. They spun her around, and she laughed with joy. Apparently she didn’t get enough twirling in the air.
How did people do it? How did they make relationships work? Most of the professional athletes he’d trained with were either single or married to their training partner. The ones who played team sports seemed to fare better—at least they’d be home about half the time and their spouses would have each other for a support group when they weren’t. But those athletes could be traded at any time. Then what? Their families were just supposed to pick everything up and trail after them? What about their schools, their friends, their jobs?
It seemed like a lot to sacrifice. He was starting to understand that.
Aubrey was still turning that over in his brain when he walked past Kyla and realized the person who’d twirled her around was Greg, who must’ve been waiting for the next segment.
Greg waved at him as he passed but otherwise didn’t pull his attention from Kyla. Had they known each other before Greg moved out here? Or had they somehow forged a connection in the past two weeks?
Aubrey unbuckled his harness, handed it back to the prop master, and retreated to the locker room. Reflexively, he checked his phone. No missed calls.
Well, Nate knew his practice schedule by now. Aubrey would call from the car on his way home, like he usually did.
He just hoped he could steer the conversation away from any Christmas plans. He wanted to spend time with Nate… but his mother had specifically asked him to come home to attend his cousin’s wedding and spend the holidays with his family. Aubrey couldn’t remember the last time he’d done that, and he’d been at odds with them for so long… he felt like he had to go.
Aubrey had convinced himself he didn’t need Nate to put him first. He’d taken the job instead of putting Nate first, and Nate stayed in Chicago instead of putting Aubrey first, and now Aubrey might not see him at Christmas either.
How did people actually do this?
Maybe I should just give up.
But as he was reaching into his locker for his towel, the light on his phone blinked. He reached over and swiped to unlock.
It was a text message from Caley—no words, just a picture that took a moment to download. When it did, he was treated to a photograph of Nate and Carter Ng mid pillow fight, Nate with his weapon raised over his head and Carter in the process of a wide sideways swipe, inches from making contact.
A moment later, a text message followed. He misses you.
Aubrey enlarged the picture, memorizing the smile lines around Nate’s eyes.
What was it like for Kelly to leave her family every weekend? Aubrey imagined she must hate it. He’d seen how close the three of them were, and it would be worse now that Caley was pregnant.
On the other hand, while she was gone part of the weekend and two weeknights, she had the rest of her days free to spend time with Carter, bring Caley lunch at work, cook family meals…. There was a happy medium there somewhere.
Aubrey just didn’t know how to find it.
“ARE YOU going to tell me what’s going on with you or am I going to have to guess? I haven’t slept through the night in a week because an embryo the size of a goldfish cracker has moved in to the apartment above my bladder, and my patience is shot.”
Nate blinked at Caley. Hadn’t it only been two days ago that he’d been at her and Kelly’s place, having a pillow fight? How had they gotten to this? “Uh. Hi to you too.”
She pushed past him into his apartment and handed him a tub of ice cream. “Spoons,” she demanded imperiously, holding her own ice cream under one arm. “Chop-chop. Also I’m using your bathroom.”
Well, that was why she was the captain.
Nate procured spoons as well as napkins and glasses of water, and when Caley emerged from the bathroom, she picked up right where she left off. “So you’re a miserable sad sack, and it’s making Kelly cry. Not literally, she doesn’t cry, but you’re upsetting my wife and I’m pregnant. I need to have dibs on the mood swings. What gives?”
He huffed. “Aside from the obvious?”
Caley rolled her eyes. “Look. The past couple weeks have been challenging. I get it. But humor me. Pregnancy brain is real. Is this about the show or about Aubrey leaving?”
Nate didn’t know that he was emotionally capable of separating the two right then. But apparently he really did need to talk about it, because he offered hesitantly, “Yes?”
“Oh good, an easy one.” Caley dug a prodigious scoop of ice cream from the carton. “Do you want to elaborate, or am I going to have to play Twenty Questions?”
They’d run out of ice cream long before they came to any useful observations that way. “I didn’t expect the show to be sold. I thought it’d be canceled or go on as it was. I wasn’t ready for this.”
Caley nodded and licked ice cream from her thumb. “That’s fair. It’s a big change.”
But not the worst of it, actually. “I don’t like the direction the show is taking. It feels like a betrayal of everything Jess and I worked to make it. And I know the network is forcing her out of her role.”
“And Paul is an asshat.”
“And Paul is an asshat,” Nate agreed.
“But this still doesn’t explain the depth of your sulk.” She gestured with the spoon. “You forget, I knew you during the John Plum years. He was even worse than Paul, and he never got to you like this. Which leads me to believe this is actually mostly about Aubrey. So. Do I need to put a hit on my countryman or what?”
Nate blew out a breath. “No, I… no. I’m just upset he left so fast, without a lot of warning that he was planning to go.”
“Maybe he didn’t.”
“What?”
“Maybe he didn’t plan to go. Maybe he would’ve stayed if the show hadn’t been canceled.”
Yeah, Nate had gotten that impression. “That’s what I thought too, but—then he said he wasn’t ready to stop skating. He wanted to get back on the ice.”
Caley gave him a calculating look. “And that surprised you.”
“Yeah, I guess?” he said, feeling unaccountably defensive. “I mean, this isn’t the first TV gig he’s had, so….”
Something like understanding dawned in her eyes. “It’s like déjà vu all over again, eh?”
Nate blinked.
“Because that’s what happened with Marty, isn’t it?” she pressed. “You retired, and then he sprung a dream on you that he’d never shared and you broke up. Now here’s Aubrey, by all appearances Marty’s actual goddamn polar opposite, doing the same thing. That has to hurt. Want to talk about it?”
“All I ever do is talk,” Nate muttered and shoved a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth.
“Well, maybe you’re saying the wrong things, then.”
Ouch.
“You’re upset because Aubrey didn’t tell you he wanted to perform again. It especially hurts because Marty didn’t tell you he wanted to run a B and B after you retired.”
“Yeah,” Nate said, wondering where this was going. Why was she telling him things he already knew?
“Yeah, well, here’s the thing.” Caley jabbed her spoon into the ice cream carton so forcefully it broke through the bottom of the container. She gave it a forlorn look and then set it on the table. “You could’ve asked.”
Nate stared at her. “I…?” Was she blaming him?
“You could’ve asked!” she repeated. “Honestly, Nate, I love you. I think you’re a great man, and believe me I do not say that about a lot of men. But did you honestly never talk about what your significant others wanted for their futures? One time I could dismiss, I mean, maybe Marty hid it from you on purpose, I don’t know. But twice? That’s not a coincidence.”
Very carefully, Nate set down the ice cream before he could drop it. His palms were damp, and he didn’t think it was condensation. “You’re saying it’s… that I….”
Caley took his hand, apparently heedless of the clamminess. “You didn’t ask, Nate. Do you know how long it took me and Kelly to talk about our dreams for the future? How many kids we wanted, where we wanted to live, how involved we wanted our parents to be in our kids’ lives, what our professional goals were and which ones we were prepared to sacrifice?” Nate squirmed. “It’s a little different for us because, to be frank, unlike you and Aubrey, we don’t have piles of cash sitting around. And also because we’re lesbians.”
Nate rubbed at his forehead with his free hand, easing another sudden headache. He’d had a lot of those since Aubrey moved to Vegas. “I mean.” He sighed. She had a point, but…. “I’ve only known him a couple of months. When were we supposed to have that talk?”
Caley paused a moment as she considered this. “I guess that’s fair. And here I thought we moved fast.” Then she shook her head. “The point is, it only takes one person to fuck up a relationship. It takes at least two to make one work. Why didn’t you know your husband’s dream? Why didn’t you know Aubrey’s?”
Fuck. Was Caley right? Nate was the common denominator here. He scrubbed his hands over his face. Finally he said, “Marty… had a habit of keeping things from me.” He raised his eyes to meet Caley’s, hoping she would understand that he wasn’t going to answer questions about that. “So even if I asked him directly, I don’t know that it would have made a difference.” He blew out a breath. “But I don’t have an excuse for Aubrey.”
Not a good one, anyway. Fear. Complacency. Was it better to try and fail, or to fail without trying and be able to believe you could have succeeded?
It was a stupid question, and he knew the answer, but that didn’t make it any easier to implement the obvious change of behavior.
Caley nudged him with her elbow. “Just wanted to bring that to your attention. I’ve got to pee again, but you want to watch a movie?”
“HE SAID what on the air?” Aubrey half shouted over the Bluetooth, making the final turn into his driveway. He’d spent the past three days meeting everyone involved in the show and planning out choreography, including learning the various apparatuses that would be used and skating to the point of exhaustion, so he’d missed the last episode.
“Oh, he tried to walk it back,” Nate said, sounding like he needed to break something. “But it was obvious he meant women’s sports are never going to ‘measure up’ and they shouldn’t ever expect national audiences.”
“I hope Kelly puts a fastball through his windshield.”
“At least let the air out of his tires.”
Aubrey put the car in Park and closed the garage door. Then he grabbed his phone and went into the house.
“Anyway, that was my day yesterday. Christmas shopping today. Spoiler—it sucks, so I went home and bought everything online.”
“It’s a jungle out there,” Aubrey agreed, closing the door behind him. Then he crossed to the patio doors and went outside. He liked Vegas in general. It suited him better than the frigid wind and bitter cold of Chicago in the winter. And the idea that he could spend time outside in his own yard in December without risking frostbite, wearing only a light sweater… delightful.
“Try blizzard,” Nate said ruefully.
At least Aubrey knew Nate wouldn’t be driving in it. “Sad for you. It’s seventeen degrees here. Uh.” Aubrey grimaced, doing the math. What was it, multiply by nine, divide by five, add thirty-two? That was a lot of mental math. “Like, sixty? Not a cloud in the sky.”
“You’re a cruel man,” Nate sighed. “I never minded the cold until I hit thirty-five. Now it drops below fifty and I swear I can hear creaking from every one of the bones I’ve broken.”
Aubrey smiled. “That’s just the wind off Lake Michigan.”
That made Nate laugh, and Aubrey’s heart clenched a little because he’d missed that sound. “Asshole,” he said fondly. Then he cleared his throat. “So I was talking to my mom….”
Something in his tone made Aubrey sit up straighter, wary. “She and your dad are okay?”
“They’re fine,” Nate soothed. A beat passed, and he cleared his throat. “Look, I know… you just moved and you’ve got a lot going on. She just wanted to make sure I officially invited you to Christmas.” He paused again. “So this is me, officially inviting you.”
Ah, shit. Aubrey closed his eyes, feeling that sinking sensation in his stomach. He should’ve known. “I can’t.”
“Going home?” Nate asked quietly.
Aubrey let out a deep breath and nodded because he’d forgotten Nate couldn’t see him. “Yeah. Uh, I haven’t been home for Christmas in….” Longer than five years, definitely. But it hadn’t been ten yet, had it? The sensation in his stomach turned into something heavy and sour when he couldn’t remember for sure.
“I understand.”
The words were quiet and gentle, but they cut anyway. Aubrey dug his fingernails into his palm as he clenched his fist. This was so—stupid. He wanted to invite Nate to come to Vancouver. Aubrey’s parents would love him, and now… now Aubrey thought he could maybe stand that, instead of resent it. Hell, part of him thought he’d even enjoy it. See, Mom? I did okay, didn’t I? Isn’t he great?
