The Nature of the Game (Stick Side Book 2), page 24
This travesty went on for fifteen minutes.
Ash scooted his chair closer to Dan’s and bumped their elbows. “Ever been to Disney World?”
“No. Key West once when we were kids.”
“I’ll take you sometime. Those guys know how to do a light show. This?” He waved at the fountain. “This is your grouchy Uncle Frank at Christmas, smoking a pipe and complaining about the dry turkey—all bark and no bite.”
Dan’s laughter lit him up from the inside. Ash smiled back, helpless to do anything else.
They might crash and burn again, but Ash would never forgive himself if he didn’t try. He owed it to himself, and to Dan, to give them a second chance.
He ran his fingers along Dan’s elbow discreetly, conscious of other balcony spectators, and stifled a grin when Dan shivered. “Did you eat today?”
Dan shook his head.
“Come on.”
Inside, Dan left the doors open but closed the curtains. Ash picked up the menu off the nightstand. “What do you feel like?”
Dan walked into his arms and nosed his collarbone. “A chicken salad wrap.”
Ash snorted. “Nobody ever feels like a chicken salad wrap.” He kissed Dan’s temple. “What do you actually want?” He could feel Dan’s smile against his skin.
“A burger and fries.”
“Now we’re talking.”
The clock on the nightstand ticked over to 5:00 a.m. Ash sat with his back against the headboard, Dan resting against his chest. “Will you tell me the real reason you quit woodworking?”
Dan tilted his head back against Ash’s shoulder to look at him upside down. “I didn’t have anyone to share it with anymore.”
Ash touched their foreheads, wishing he could make all the promises, knowing they weren’t there yet. “I looked for you.”
“When?”
“After you sent me that text. I almost got on the plane, but . . .” Ash swallowed hard against the memories. “I didn’t want to go without you. So I rented a car and I went to your apartment and your office building and every grocery store we’d ever shopped at together. Even drove into the Hamptons looking for a gothic monstrosity. But I couldn’t find you.”
It made Dan cry, but Ash didn’t take the words back. Dan needed to know.
“And when I finally arrived in Syracuse and I went to my apartment . . . all your stuff was there, the stuff that you’d shipped ahead of time. Seeing it there and knowing . . . knowing that . . .” His arms tightened around Dan’s chest.
Dan turned and burrowed into Ash, his tears wetting Ash’s throat. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“No.” Ash pushed him away by the shoulders so he could see his face. “You don’t need to keep apologizing. That’s not why I’m telling you. I just need you to know how it felt, living in a place surrounded by your things but without you there. Having to get out of the lease we signed. I was in a fog for a long time after that. Couldn’t figure out what I’d done to make you go.”
“Ash . . .” Dan cupped his face.
“It didn’t make sense. After the summer we had, for you to just disappear? I couldn’t make sense of it. For a long time I thought I did something to drive you away, but then I remembered you were going to talk to your mom that day and I figured she managed to change your mind somehow. Turns out she did, just not how I ever would’ve expected.”
Dan sat up and leaned against the headboard facing Ash, their legs tangled.
“I need you to know all this,” Ash said, “because your leaving gutted me.” He soothed Dan’s forehead when he winced. “And it might take some time for me to open up to you again.”
Face tense, Dan nodded. “Okay. I’m so—” He cut himself off.
“I know.” Ash nuzzled his face. “I know you are. And I forgive you, I do. I’m not so blind that I can’t see why you made the choices you did.” He squeezed Dan’s thigh. “I’m sorry too, you know.”
“What do you have to be sorry for?”
“For not listening when you first wanted to talk.”
“It’s okay.”
“No. It’s not. I should’ve listened. And I’m sorry for yesterday morning too. I was a jackass.”
Dan played with Ash’s collar. “Why?”
“Because things happened so fast. We hadn’t talked—my fault, I know—and all I could see was us repeating past mistakes. I needed to wrap my mind around the fact that we’re different people now. I just needed space to think, and I went about it the wrong way.”
“I don’t think I’m that different than I was,” Dan said.
“You’re . . .” Ash searched for the right word. “You’re more melancholy than you used to be. It’s almost as if you expect things to turn out badly, so you prepare yourself for the worst. You smile less.” So much less that it was sunshine when Dan did smile. Ash had a feeling that Dan had had a very lonely six years.
“There hasn’t been much to smile about,” Dan said, confirming Ash’s thoughts.
“You have a nurturing instinct as long as my arm, though.” Ash ran a hand through Dan’s curls. “I don’t know how I didn’t see that back then.”
Dan pouted. “No, I don’t.”
“Are you kidding? You came all the way out here to help me even though you weren’t sure of your welcome. You keep cooking me food you haven’t even eaten. You broke your heart to protect me, to protect Mitch. And even though it’s been months since you found out the truth, you still, for some inexplicable reason, haven’t told your mother to fuck out of your life.”
Dan smiled weakly and wiped his nose on his sleeve.
“Why is that?” Ash asked.
Blowing out a breath that puffed his cheeks, Dan’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times. “I guess because she was the only one who knew the truth, which made it feel like she was the only person who knew me. I had to hide from everybody else and . . .” He played with the pocket of Ash’s shorts. “That’s probably what made me start bottling everything up inside.”
“That’s not healthy.”
Dan just shrugged. “And you.”
“What about me?”
“You’re not the same as you were six years ago, either.” He placed a palm on Ash’s chest, over his heart. “You’re so much more protective of yourself now.”
“Yeah. That’s what happens when my boyfriend breaks up with me via text and my wife cheats on me.”
“She—” Dan jerked back, eyes shooting sparks, fingers digging into Ash’s biceps. He was so pissed that had Ash been a lesser being he would’ve been burned. As it was, he grinned like a lunatic. Dan was fucking hot with his face all flushed and his lips pulled tight.
“That’s why you divorced?” Dan said. “I couldn’t find anything online.”
Ash smirked at him. “Did you follow my career?”
A pause, then, “No?”
Ash cracked up, and fuck, it felt good to laugh with Dan again. They really weren’t the same people, and maybe they’d changed so much that this would never work between them . . . Or maybe this was exactly the second chance they needed. What kind of miracle was it that had made Alex and Mitch meet, thus forcing Dan and Ash back into each other’s lives?
“Stop laughing.” Dan punched his arm. “Jerk.”
Tickled pink, Ash rolled them until he was on his back with Dan tucked into his side. “I love that you followed me. It’s—Oh, shit.” He winced as a thought occurred to him. “Oh fuck, Dan, you must’ve been so sad when you found out I was getting married.”
Dan remained silent, one finger scratching at Ash’s T-shirt.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t’ve teased you.”
Very softly, Dan asked, “Did you love her?”
Ash sighed. “I loved the idea of her. When I got sent to the NHL, and it turned out I’d be staying there, she came with me. And at the time, it meant everything. But the truth is we were horrible for each other. Fought all the time. Not, like, cute married couple bickering. We were like those two dirtbags from the Muppets. Just . . . mean.”
Propping himself up on his elbows, hair tumbling into his eyes, Dan kissed Ash’s shoulder and said, “Is it bad that I’m not sorry you broke up? I’m sorry it happened the way it did. I can’t believe she cheated on you.” That last was mumbled to himself, and he shook his head as though he couldn’t believe it. “But I’m not sorry you’re single now.”
Something was very wrong with Ash for him to feel so desperately pleased by that statement. “Come up here and kiss me.”
Dan did.
The next time Dan awoke the clock read six thirty and Ash was slipping into his flip-flops. They were accurately named, because at the sight of Ash getting ready to go, Dan’s belly flip-flopped. He sat up with a gasp.
“Hey.” Ash’s smile was lazy and warm, no hint of exhaustion after being up talking most of the night. Hopefully exhaustion didn’t catch up with him during tonight’s game against Carolina. “I was just about to wake you. I’ve gotta go home and get my gear and then head to practice. Wanna check out of here and come stay with me?”
Dan blinked at him.
“Hello.” Ash waved a hand in front of his face. “Anybody in there?”
Slapping Ash’s hand away, Dan rose and pressed a fast kiss to his lips. “Give me two minutes to pack.”
“’Kay. You might want to change too. I mean, the onesie’s adorable, but you look ridiculous.”
Dan flipped him off over his shoulder as he withdrew clothes from the dresser and threw them into his suitcase.
“Why would you bring a onesie to Florida, anyway?”
“Because Floridians have an incessant need to keep indoor temperatures at minus a zillion.”
Ash squinted at the thermostat. “This says sixty-seven.”
“Sixty-seven!” Dan’s arms flailed. “That is not an appropriate room temperature.” He changed quickly, conscious of Ash’s eyes on him. His chest puffed out. It made him feel like a million bucks that Ash still found him attractive, but it really was freezing, so it wasn’t long before he was dressed again in jeans and a T-shirt. Making a noise of disappointment, Ash headed into the bathroom and came out less than a minute later with Dan’s toiletries. Dan threw everything into his suitcase and made one last pass to ensure he didn’t forget anything. “Okay,” he said. “I’m ready.”
Ash’s amused gaze settled on Dan, then on the suitcase, Dan again, back to the suitcase.
“Okay,” Dan said, holding up a finger. “One sec.” Re-opening his suitcase, he organized his toiletries in his toiletry bag, tucked his dirty clothes into the suitcase’s inside pouch, and roughly folded his clothes so they wouldn’t wrinkle too much. “Now I’m ready.”
“Uh-huh. Come on.” Ash took Dan’s suitcase in one hand and Dan’s hand in the other. “Let’s go home.”
Ash stood in the locker room with the rest of his team, suited up in full uniform, helmet and gloves on, skates tied, and tapped his hockey stick against the floor.
“I’m gonna beat you with my pads if you don’t stop that,” Carlie snapped.
“Sorry, sorry.” They were due on the ice any minute for the pre-game warm up, and Ash’s nerves were frayed. He was about to face the fans for the first time since coming out. It was cool in the locker room, yet he was sweating through his jersey.
Typically, the arena was only about one-third full when they stepped onto the ice for the pre-game warm up; according to Coach Ness, today it was already packed to capacity, recent hurricane be damned.
Their preseason games never sold out.
Everyone was here.
There was nothing left to do but face the music.
“Dude.” Taylor punched him lightly in the arm. “We got your back.”
“Yeah, man,” Greer piped in. “Nobody messes with this team.”
“That should be our new motto,” someone else said.
Alex winked at him. “You got this.”
He had this. Totally.
“Hey, guys!” Masterson ripped into a clear plastic bag of rainbow-colored somethings. “They arrived right on time.”
Whoops and hollers followed, and Masterson handed out what turned out to be rainbow armbands. Dumbfounded and just in complete awe of his friends, Ash stood stupid, face uncomfortably warm, chest full of gratitude, while his buddies tied the armbands around their upper arms. Even Kinsey put one on, and Kinsey was an asshole.
Masterson thrust one at Ash, but he could only stand there astounded, staring at it. “You guys, I . . . I don’t . . . This is . . .”
“Aw, we made him cry.”
True, his eyes were prickling, but Greer didn’t have to so gleefully point it out, the asshole.
“Here.” Alex came to his rescue, removing the armband from where it rested on Ash’s glove, and tied it around Ash’s upper arm, ensuring the Velcro was securely fastened. “Now you’re ready for your big game.”
Ash let out a wet sigh. “I hate you guys so much right now.”
The guys cackled madly and hugged him from all sides.
One over-emotional Ashton Yager, coming right up.
“This is really cool, guys, but we’re not allowed to wear them.” League rules prohibited any kind of adornments or changes to the uniform unless previously approved.
“We’re good,” Masterson said, pulling on his gloves. “We got league approval.”
Releasing a helpless laugh, Ash shook his head and grinned all the way out to the ice.
Stepping onto the ice in front of a sold-out crowd was cathartic. The smell of the ice, the chill in the air, the fit of his skates on his feet, his teammates at his back. Playing hockey in front of so many people always felt like he was giving away a piece of his soul to every person here.
Tonight that was magnified times a thousand.
Coach’s advice had been to ignore the fans. Rachel’s too. Alex’s. Basically everyone. But he wouldn’t do that on any other day. The fans were the heart of them. Cheering, bringing signs, donning jerseys. Ash had thrown more than one puck over the glass for a fan, stopped to sign autographs countless times after a game, and he wasn’t about to be coached into doing differently. He had to believe the best of the fans, otherwise what was the point?
He wasn’t disappointed. The roar of the spectators was louder than he ever remembered hearing it, and from what he could tell, there were a dozen rainbow themed signs across the stadium.
Yager’s #1 fan.
Hockey pride.
I love you, Yager!
Marry Me, Ashton Yager.
Yager, can I hold your stick?
That one cracked him up.
“That’s mildly inappropriate,” Carlie said as Ash came around the net.
“I think it’s hilarious.”
“You would.”
What didn’t amuse him was the booing coming from a small section in the three hundreds on the northwest side of the arena. Like hell was Ash going to let that continue. There were kids in attendance.
He couldn’t quite tell—the three hundreds were way the fuck up there—but it looked like there were only a handful of booers holding up a Hockey is a man’s sport sign.
Ash stopped next to the net and stared them down.
One by one, his teammates came and stood behind him, giving him gentle helmet taps and soft raps on his shin guards with their hockey sticks.
And then the opposing team did the same.
Ash’s jaw dropped, and for the second time tonight, he stood dazed and overwhelmed, limbs tingling, tension easing out of his neck. Around the upper arms of every white, red, and black Carolina uniform was a rainbow armband.
God, oh man, oh shit. Ash needed to go home so he could have a good cry.
With two teams staring them down, the booers quieted. A hush fell over the rest of the arena, the quietest Ash had ever seen it during a sold out game. Some of the Tampa and Carolina players eyed the rest of the crowd, all Anyone else want to mess with us?
It was surreal.
And then a shouted “I love you, Yager!” got the crowd cheering again and everything was, once again, copacetic.
Ash choked on a laugh. Wow. Just . . . wow.
A sign pressed against the other side of the glass near the blue line, held by a teenager who couldn’t be more than fourteen, caught his attention. Ashton, I’m bisexual too! Can I have a date? Or a puck?
Ash tossed him a puck. Hard no on the date.
Speaking of dates, Dan was in the crowd somewhere, not that Ash would ever be able to spot him. Since Dan had waited until nearly the last minute to purchase a ticket, he’d paid what he’d said was a “stupid” price for it, which Ash took to mean that it’d cost a small fortune. Ash could’ve given him his comp tickets since his mom was still out of town and wouldn’t need them, a fact that Dan hadn’t been all that impressed with when Ash told him, seeing as he’d already paid for them.
“Next time,” Dan had said. Ash loved that there was going to be a next time.
The game itself passed in a blur of plays, blocked shots, elbows to the solar plexus, and streaks of white-red-black and blue-white. It moved in slow motion; it went by too fast. He broke up a big play; he let a shot through. Tampa received a penalty; Carolina too. Neither scored on the power play.
Toward the end of the third period on the Carolina side of the ice, Masterson passed him the puck, and he sent it to Alex, who came up behind him, took off toward the net and its single defenseman, did a truly beautiful spin-o-rama around him, and shot the puck into the net on the backhand.
It was only the preseason, but still—the assist felt awesome.
Later, after they’d won 3-2 and Ash had showered and changed into his suit, he announced that he was treating the guys to a late dinner and drinks at The Tavern.
“Someone go tell the Carolina guys that they’re coming too,” he shouted into the ensuing chaos.
“I’m on it!” Greer disappeared.
Before he could go find Dan, first Ash had to talk to a bunch of reporters who wanted to know what it was like to play his first game as an out gay player.
