Dragonhearts, page 1
dragonhearts
copyright © 2019 by Nikita Gill, Amanda Lovelace, and Trista Mateer.
All rights reserved.
No part of this book maybe used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews.
ISBN: 9781793149459
Editor: Mira Kennedy
Designer: Amanda Lovelace & Trista Mateer
Interior Art: Trista Mateer
Cover Font: Trista Mateer
Cover Photo: Lauren Zaknoun
laurenzaknoun.com
to anyone who is looking for a home for their heart:
may you let it rest on these pages.
trigger warning:
intimate partner violence, intimate partner abuse,
child abuse, emotional abuse, stalking, queerphobia, sexism, mental health issues, body image issues, bullying, trauma, death, violence,
fire, blood, & gore.
remember to practice self-care
before, during, & after reading.
what does being a dragonheart mean to you?
surviving / having flames in your veins / never-ending loyalty / powerful alone & with like-hearted people / loving fiercely / strong-spined / dangerous / celebrating yourself / celebrating others / magic even without spells / protective / gentle but armored / light-giver / reigning supremely / what fairy tales are made of / queen of your own life / no doubts about your own worth / forever valiant / tower-breaker / kingdom-shaker / standing up for others / resisting over & over / taking charge of your narrative / bravery beyond measure / not giving negativity a seat at your table / facing the fire head-on / prioritizing yourself / story-hungry / made of gold / dream-chaser / sea storm courage / voice-reclaimer / war-hearted / flower-hearted / RELENTLESS
You are never ever truly breaking. There is nothing about you that must fit into a mold, yet the world keeps trying to mold you, shove you into a box, act like this is all that you are. Imagine how ridiculous they must seem to anyone looking in from across the universe. Trying to shove a whole galaxy into a box and stamp the word normal onto it, as if it was just going to stay put, as if it won’t just burst through any container it is put into. You are simply doing what all galaxies are inclined to do. You are shattering the thing that holds you in. Remember that.
by Nikita Gill
sinking further into myself / becoming small / Russian doll creature / onion climbing back inside her layers / he put his hands on me and I turned docile / lost touch with my friends / locked up my shoes and coat / he plied me with tea and honey / and I grew too lazy to lift a hand in defense of myself / I didn’t forget my own name but I forgot other things / watched the sun come up / chugged NyQuil before crawling into bed next to him / called it a sleeping potion / over the counter magic / his breath in the bed made me nervous until it didn’t / I never really shook the nerves / just the urgency / got complacent and called it love / let my body wither under my own care / I put curlers in while he was at work / I made small talk with his mother / watched the way she moved through the house / and ghosted after her / specter in a nightgown washing dishes / baking pies / contemplating death at the kitchen table / I thought domesticity was an illness until I realized I was sick on bad love / by the time I left I was clawing out of my own skin / aching for a moment of beauty that had nothing to do with my body
by Trista Mateer
Become fluent in the language of letting go. Learn to give people up before they hurt you beyond repair. Even if they tell you that they will change. Even if they tell you that they love you. Just remember, love isn’t meant to be permanently damaging. Love is meant to aid your healing.
by Nikita Gill
ON BEING STALKED
Roses smashed on the front porch. Bobby pins mailed back one by one. A shadow is just a shadow until it starts to scare you. A man is just a man until he reaches for your throat. Until he watches you from parked cars and street corners. Slits your tires. Shows up at your job. Follows you out of town. So yes,
YES.
I set aside my quiet.
I bought a pocket knife.
I shrieked at him on the street.
I caused a scene at every
public place he showed up.
People called it unladylike, said he was just acting out of love, said men were animals but I was crazy. Maybe they were right, but I felt powerless until the day I realized that hell is a place other people put you and I could put us
both
there.
by Trista Mateer
Hellfire
You
sad
achey
thing,
mouth twisted
like the wretch
he made you.
Take out
your capped
tooth
and spread
the cyanide
over any earth
he touched,
bite each bruise
until it’s yours
and yours alone.
Spit love back
at them
like it’s full of acid,
like hell is a place
that you are always
walking back out of,
not a scratch on you.
by Caitlyn Siehl
so many scaled my tower, / swore to slay the beast in exchange for me— / their prize. / despite their confidence, / they simply lacked the strength to take the beast down. / in the end, / i was the one who climbed the pile of the fallen, / took hold of a bloodied sword, / slashed open both our chests, / & placed its heart right beside mine— / my prize.
- dragonhearted.
by amanda lovelace
ANYWAY HERE’S WONDERWALL
blackout poem adapted from “Wonderwall” by Oasis
I don't believe
you're gonna
save me
I m
gonna
save
me
by Trista Mateer
In this story, the princess runs away from her tower and into the woods. She runs and she runs until she can’t anymore. She left the walls that caused her such pain but those walls offered protection as well and out here in the world, everything is sharp. She gets sharp, too, after a while. Barbed tongue and bristles. She draws blood when she has to and sometimes when she doesn’t.
In this story, nothing ends at the drawbridge.
In this story, there is character development.
In this story, escaping your tormentor isn’t enough to save you; it’s just enough to keep you alive.
by Trista Mateer
you are a primordial thing. nyx herself created you from her mother chaos, sent you down to earth to show the world how courage lives even in places you least expect it. you are a fire crafted from goddess hands. you know how to smile & dare demons & gods alike. so when they tell you that you are weak or small or something insignificant, know this: you could win even mythological battles with your ferocity.
- you predate athena.
by Nikita Gill and amanda lovelace
Time’s Up
Who says that princesses cannot be wolves and that women must be light without a shadow? Maybe a witch is just a woman who knows how to harness her powerful voice. Who says you must be silent so that you can thrive? Silence is not the price you have to pay for your survival anymore.
Speak.
Scream.
Roar.
by Nikita Gill
if it feels better to run into the wildwood, then do it. just don’t forget to bring your crown with you. let your hair get tangled up in it. rule the treetops above you & the dirt beneath your feet, if you must. build your own castle from the ash & bone of all those who told you there were limits to what your hands could do.
- you’re much too victorious to give up.
by amanda lovelace & Trista Mateer
armies see you
dancing down
that warpath
from miles away
& decide to surrender
because they know
they wouldn’t
stand a fucking chance
against you.
- no sword necessary.
by amanda lovelace
be both
regal & terrifying.
keep them forever
on their toes.
- don’t let them force you into a box.
by amanda lovelace
Your scars are a warning to all future monsters of the hell you have survived before them, every demon you have vanquished, and every battle you have won.
by Nikita Gill
i
used to
call myself
a
lioness.
now
the lioness
bows her head,
tells me she
wishes she had
a bite like
mine.
- strength.
by amanda lovelace
SHE OF THE WOODS
Swamp creature. All unwashed mouth, all river mud. You overgrown bramble. You outrageous thorn. Unafraid of a little blood. Unafraid of a lot. Opposition trembles before you. Runs away and tells stories of your unholiness. Your dirt and your anger. All your bite. Reputation doesn’t precede you; it follows you around with its tail between its legs. It cowers in your shadow. Curse the words of those who tried to bury you. Bless your inability to stay down.<
by Trista Mateer
I’m in love with my anger / my
war-won body / tense and vicious.
by Trista Mateer
you are not dripping in things such as gold or jewels or riches. no—you are dripping with the red, red blood of every misguided prince/princess/royal who made you think that they were the only means to your freedom. little do they know, you will rule over the very tower that once oppressed you.
- keep turning tables.
by amanda lovelace
Queens
“What is a queen without her king?”
I don’t know,
but let’s ask
Cleopatra,
Nefertiti,
Hatshepsut,
Sammuramat,
Victoria,
Elizabeth,
Amina,
Tzu-hsi,
and the countless other kingless queens
who turned mere kingdoms
into the greatest of empires.
by Nikita Gill
Queens II
Listen to me, girl:
you have castles inside your bones,
coronets in your heart.
If he threatens you with battle,
you raise him a whole war.
The last time I checked,
queens cower before no man.
by Nikita Gill
THINGS THAT AREN’T REQUIRED
TO BE A QUEEN:
a crown
a castle
a king
mercy
womanhood
by amanda lovelace & Trista Mateer
Rebel soft. Steel and Saponaria. Honey-tongued and unapologetic. I will not give up the flowers in my heart for stones just because the world is a hard place. The world is only hard because it needs more flower-hearted people.
by Nikita Gill
who said you can’t
wear a flower crown
& still remain a
fearsome thing?
- make persephone proud.
by amanda lovelace
Forget what you know about strength. Sensitivity is powerful. And sometimes silence isn’t. Sometimes rebellion looks a lot like crying. Sometimes it looks like the softest thing you’ve ever seen. Sometimes survival is the act of getting out of bed. The idea that strength is exactly the same for every person is an untrue one. People are strong in different ways. The expression of emotion doesn’t mean you are weak; it means you wear your strength differently. We all do.
by Nikita Gill
POEM IN WHICH NOBODY IS A MOON
I thought for a long time that if I wasn’t orbiting around Venus, I’d just be drifting aimlessly through my life without a purpose. Never stopped to wonder why I felt like I needed a purpose. Never stopped to wonder why I thought romantic love was the greatest thing I could do with my life. Never stopped to wonder why my life needed to be great and couldn’t just be
lived.
by Trista Mateer
throw entire festivals in your name. invite no one but yourself. let there be choirs, let there be lanterns, let there be games, let there be cake, let there be laughter, let there be fireworks. some people make the mistake of spending their lives waiting for other people to celebrate their victories, so they never end up celebrating them at all. don’t wait for anyone to decide that you’re enough. you’ve endured every minute up until now—isn’t that just remarkable?
- isn’t it?
by amanda lovelace
What do you do
when your world falls apart
and you must confront
the most wounded
part of yourself?
You hurt.
You ache.
You throb.
You cleanse.
You purify.
You heal.
by Nikita Gill
Honest Facts I Have Learned About People
We are all 65-70% water.
We are all stardust.
We all suffer,
but we do not have to suffer alone.
by Nikita Gill
in this story, the princess gives up her title & trades it in for warrior; by her definition, someone who fights for the good of themselves & only themselves. so badly she wants it to fit, but no matter how much she wiggles around inside of it, it still feels like a corset laced too tightly. when she can scarcely breathe, two like-hearted souls come along, ask her why they can’t all be equal parts warrior & princess. why can’t they defend themselves & those who need it the most?
she doesn’t have a good answer for them.
- she has only trust for them in her heart.
by amanda lovelace
The Light
after Iain S. Thomas
Humans are bad at most things. Love, relationships, parenting, holding ourselves together, being dependable. But there is one thing we are so good at, that we are, in fact, spectacular at it. We are all so damned good at being broken open. It’s how the light gets out. It’s how we know it’s there. Because once in a while, someone comes along who tells us life is so much more than just existing. Someone comes along to remind us to stop being so small and so human. And do better by being so much more.
by Nikita Gill
I stand over the sink in your first apartment, the knife in my hand making firm and deliberate strokes when I press it against the fruit in my palm. It’s safer to do this on a cutting board but I don’t know where you store them and I don’t want to ask. I make it all the way through your mango and halfway through mine before I slice my hand right across my lifeline. The knife does not clatter onto the counter. The fruit does not slip from my grasp. I breathe through it. Turn the sink on. Run my hand under the cold water. Shove a piece of mango in my mouth and wince around the juice. I’m not ready for you to see me bleed. I’m not ready for you to know I am a fallible thing.
by Trista Mateer
you need not bleed for me. you need not leave fruit at my altar. i accept no blood oaths, no special offerings. my loyalty to you is not something you can spell out of thin air with a rose quartz & a pink candle. when it’s there, it’s there—no exceptions. it will never allow itself to fade, either.
- the most powerful witch couldn’t banish it.
by amanda lovelace
I used to only pick up a pen for myself
but now
I pick one up for you too.
Is there such a thing
as an unselfish love poem?
I don’t know,
but I’m trying.
by Trista Mateer
in a hushed voice you tell me,
