Key to Hell (Hell Night Series Book 4), page 5
I see him trying to put on a brave face, but I can tell the distance I keep between us is killing him.
I nod, too choked up to speak. If it’s the last thing I do, I will get over my fear. I need my brother like I need air to breathe.
“I’ve missed you so fuckin’ much, Rella,” he says gravelly.
“I’ve missed you too.” No words have ever been truer.
His elbows drop to his knees, his eyes staying locked on mine. “I’m so sorry I didn’t protect you more. I’m sorry you felt your only choice was to hurt yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t save you or come looking for you.”
I press my heel back harder against the bottom of the couch. “Please don’t,” I plead. “You were hurting just as much as I was. You did everything you could to protect me. You all did. We were only kids in a town filled with sick, perverted adults intent on their twisted paths. There wasn’t anything any of us could do to stop them.”
“I still should have—”
“Stop, Trouble. Don’t blame yourself for something you had no control over.”
He squeezes his eyes closed and nods.
“I’m so damn glad you’re here.”
“I am too. I’m sorry I waited so long.”
His hands clench and unclench. “I understand why you waited. It hurts knowing I wasn’t there for you all these years, but it doesn’t matter. You’re here now.”
Deanna and Mick loved me, but it was never the same as my brother’s love. Knowing we’re back together and I’ll have that love again releases some of the tension in my stomach.
My eyes fall on Remi, who’s still on the couch. I catch the tears on her cheeks before she quickly wipes them away.
“I’m glad you’re happy,” I tell Trouble, sliding my eyes back to him. “I can see the love you both share for each other.”
He smiles. “She and Elijah are my life.”
I smile back, ecstatic he’s found the happiness he deserves.
Trouble’s expression turns uncertain. “Will you be staying?”
“I think so,” I say, still unsure how living here will affect me, but desperately wanting to be here with my family.
“I know it’ll be hard, but if you give it time, I think you could be happy here, Rella. Emo, Judge, JW, and I have changed a lot around here. Made it a safe place to be proud to live in.”
I have no doubt his words are true. Despite its unorthodox name, Layla spoke highly of the town she lived in. She claimed Malus was more a home to her than the town she grew up in. I didn’t allow myself to really take in my surroundings when I drove into town or when Trouble brought me here to our childhood home, but the small parts that made it past my defenses were a lot different than I remembered as a child.
I just hope my demons will allow me the freedom to be happy here.
I look over and find Aziah’s eyes on me. On the very rare occasion I would leave Deanna and Mick’s house, I would always be uncomfortable when people looked at me, but I find having Aziah’s eyes on me is comforting. I think I actually like it.
“Layla’s been asking about you,” Remi says. “She’s worried about you and wanted to know if she could stop by sometime.”
Guilt resurfaces. Layla has been my only friend for the past couple of years, and I feel bad for leaving her in the dark.
“I’ll call her. Can I invite her over tomorrow maybe? I should probably explain some things to her.”
“Of course. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”
“Thank you.”
“Mae will want to see you too.”
My heart stutters. “Mae’s here?”
Trouble’s lips tip up. “She is. She was at the bar yesterday when you showed up. You about gave her a heart attack. She’s been calling on the hour every hour since then. I asked her to give you a couple of days, but she’s growing impatient.”
“I can’t believe she’s here.” Mae and Dale were always there for us when we were children. Besides Trouble and my self-proclaimed brothers, they were the only light in our lives back then. They were our saving grace. I’ve thought about and missed them a lot over the years.
“What about Dale?”
Trouble’s gaze drops from mine for a moment before he lifts his head again, sadness churning in his eyes. “He died three years ago.”
My throat closes, and I have to work at not breaking down again. The loss of Dale is astounding. He was my father of the heart.
“Well, it’s about time for Elijah’s lunch,” Remi says, sensing the despondent mood. I’m glad for the change of subject.
With a quick kiss to Trouble, she walks over and scoops their son up from the floor. “I’ll make some sandwiches for everyone.”
“Don’t worry about one for me. I think I’m going to go call Layla and take a nap.” I suddenly feel drained, my emotions still in an uproar. I turn to Aziah. “Will I… see you later?”
His answer is immediate and firm. “Yes.”
“I’m glad.”
I turn away and feel his eyes on me. At the door, I turn back to see he’s following me, but Trouble calls his name, stopping him. His fists clench at his sides and his jaw is tense. I offer a small smile and turn back around, knowing he’s still watching me until I’m out of sight.
CHAPTER FIVE
EMO
I STAND UNDER THE HOT SPRAY, the water beating down on my stiff shoulders. With one hand braced on the wall in front of me, I bow my head and stare down at my other hand. The skin is damaged beyond hell and back. I haven’t been able to see the lines on my palms in years.
My eyes move to my forearms. The damage there isn’t quite as extensive, but only just. The tattoos covering me aren’t because I try to hide the scars. They’re there because getting them affords me some of the pain I crave. They also allow me the changes I need. Looking at my body, knowing I’ve used it in the vilest of ways, also knowing it’s been used by my father, disgusts me.
I lift my head, my eyes locking on the key on the shelf sitting beside the soap. Rella’s tearful words from earlier when she told Trouble she had no one echo in my ears. Hearing her pain still sears my brain. Seeing her struggle with the simplest of acts as hugging her brother was one of the hardest things to witness.
I reach out and grab the key from the shelf, leaving my palm open so I can stare down at it.
Image after image of our intertwined childhood flashes in my mind. The pain and fear in Rella’s eyes every time I was forced to touch her. The disgust, loathing, and remorse I felt before, during, and after. The pure hatred I held for my father.
Taking my other hand from the wall, I grip the rounded head of the key and set the teeth against the flesh midway up my forearm.
Another image slams into me. The one of finding Rella in the gazebo, her white flowered dressed stained with blood, her face pale and deathly looking. Seeing her small lifeless body hurt more than anything ever had up to that point in my life, and nothing has ever come close to it since then.
After we found Rella’s body, I went looking for my father and found him at the lodge. I had every intention of killing him. Unfortunately, he sensed my mood and knew what I intended to do. I was too small and a lot weaker than him. Before I got the chance to stab him with the knife I had stuffed in my pocket, he clocked me across the cheek, knocking me out. When I woke up, I realized I needed to be more careful and plan my attack. I also wanted to take my time destroying him. That was a few days before the note about the raid came, which stopped my plans.
My father was a high member of the Council, so he knew all the secrets Sweet Haven carried. Now I wonder if he knew that Rella didn’t die that day. If he knew where she was sent.
Thinking about where she was the first fourteen years after she was taken from Sweet Haven, what she endured after already living a horrific and painful childhood the first ten years of her life, has my blood turning to lava and red filling my vision.
I dig the key into my flesh, slowly puncturing the skin. I ball my hand into a fist, making the muscle tense and giving the key something firmer to break into. My brothers worry I’ll eventually hit the wrong vein and bleed out. What they don’t realize is that if I wanted to hit a major artery, I would have already. Being a medical examiner, I know what spots on my arm to avoid and how deep I can safely go. There’s been a few times I’ve purposely hit a prominent vein, watched the blood rush from my body, and known if I didn’t stop it, I’d fade away. At the last minute, while I still had the strength, I staunched the flow and stitched myself up. Not because I was a coward and was scared of dying, but because there were things I still needed to do in my life.
I watch as the blood seeps from the two-inch gash on my arm, mixing with water and rushing down the drain. Guilt penetrates my conscience. Earlier, when Rella came upstairs for her nap and Trouble asked me to stay behind with him, he made me promise to not hurt myself while I was here. He worried if Rella saw any fresh wounds, she may become upset. At the time, I gave him what he wanted and fully intended to keep my promise. I never go back on my word once I give it, but right now, with my head full of the things I did to Rella and my imagination running wild with what else she’s been through, it’s either do this or crawl out of my skin. I feel like I’m on the edge of losing my fucking mind.
Right beside the strip of jagged skin, I make another uneven line with the key. It hurts like a bitch, but feels so damn good at the same time. I drop my arm to my side, letting the blood drip from my fingers.
I stay under the spray for a few more moments, my shoulders rising and falling as I take in steady, deep breaths. Slapping the dial in front of me to turn off the shower, I step out and dry myself off. I slather some ointment on my wounds, wrap my arm with gauze, and get dressed. My long-sleeved black shirt ensures no one will see the gashes.
I don’t breathe easy again until I spot Rella’s sleeping form huddled underneath the covers. I waited until she was asleep to take a shower, and even then, it was hard to have her out of my sight.
The room is dark, but I have no trouble finding the chair in the corner. Not wanting to wake her, I take light steps across the room. I like that she’s turned toward me so I can see her face.
Just as I’m about to take a seat, Rella lets out a low moan. I freeze, my eyes locking on hers. They’re still closed. There’s just enough light from the moon to see the frown forming between them.
She moans again, this one sounding painful. The hand on her pillow balls into a fist, and her legs scissor back and forth.
“Please stop,” she whimpers softly.
I walk across the room slowly and stop a couple feet away, my anxiety of hearing her moans making my insides tighten.
Just as I come to a stop beside the bed, Rella’s whimpers turns into low sobs. Tears glisten on her cheeks.
“It’s hurts,” she sobs. Her knees draw up to her chest and she huddles into herself. “Oh God, please don’t. Please. It hurts too much.”
My head throbs and my chest feels like there’s a huge weight sitting on top of it. Rella’s face crumbles into a mask of unbearable agony. Whatever’s in her dream holds her prisoner and is slowly torturing her. Watching it sends excruciating pain through me.
All of a sudden, she rolls to her back, her hands lashing out in front of her as if she’s trying to push someone away. Her legs kick underneath the covers, and her body thrashes back and forth.
“No!” she yells tearfully. “Stop!”
“Rella!” I call her name, unable to hear her cries anymore.
As soon as the a rolls off my tongue, her eyes snap open, locking immediately on mine.
It’s a punch to the gut. During her dream, she was scared, but now, the look in her eyes says she’s terrified.
She scrambles back on the bed until she hits the headboard. The blanket is tugged up to her chin, and she rocks back and forth with her arms wrapped tightly around her raised knees. Her eyes are so wide with fright I see white all around her irises.
I have no fucking clue what to do. It’s dark in the room, but still light enough that she has to know it’s me. Should I say something and let her hear my voice? Or should I keep quiet and hope she comes fully back to her senses on her own?
What I want to do is pull her into my arms. It’s a stupid thought that will only make matters worse.
Minutes pass by. I stay where I am, too worried to move, and watch her. She breathes heavily, never taking her eyes off me. Eventually, the fear begins to fade, confusion replacing it.
“Aziah?” she whispers softly.
“I’m here,” I rumble just as gently.
She lets out a long breath. “I’m scared.”
Way too many emotions slam into me, but there’s one that stands out the most.
“I promise no one or nothing will ever hurt you again.” I give that vow with cold certainty. There’s not a damn thing that will stop me from protecting Rella with everything I am.
“I’m sorry.”
She shakes her head slowly. “You have nothing to be sorry for. It was just a nightmare. I have them a lot.”
Her words don’t appease me. If anything, they make my guilt and anger grow. Is she dreaming about the times my father forced me to touch her, or the years she spent with Marco and Gabriella?
My palms tingle, and the key in my pocket beckons me to use it to distract myself from the pain building in my chest.
“Are you okay now?”
She licks her lips and gives a small nod. “I think so.”
When I take a step back, her eyes widen again.
“Please don’t go,” she cries anxiously.
There’s no way I can deny her in this state. Hell, I don’t think I could ever deny her anything.
“Let me grab the chair, and I’ll bring it to the bed.”
I grab the chair and bring it to the bed, still keeping a couple of feet between us. When my ass hits the chair, I hear her long exhale.
She’s turned on her side, both of her hands tucked under her cheek. Her sleepy eyes continue to watch me.
“Thank you,” she whispers in the dark.
“Don’t ever thank me for something like this. It’s the least I owe you.”
“You don’t owe me anything, Aziah.”
I scowl, but my back is to the moonlight coming in through the window, so she can’t see the look.
“I owe you everything, but there’s nothing that will ever be enough,” I reply quietly.
She sighs, her eyes drifting closed, a pinch of something uncomfortable forming on her face. She doesn’t say anything else, but I can tell she wants to.
A few minutes later, her breathing evens out and she’s asleep once again.
As I sit there and watch her sleep, my own eyes becoming heavy, I pray I don’t wake up tomorrow and find this is all a dream. And if it is a dream, I hope I don’t wake up at all.
CHAPTER SIX
EMO
The Past
I’M ON MY KNEES IN FRONT of the toilet, puking my brains out so hard that my throat’s raw and my head feels like it’s going to explode. Even after everything I’ve eaten today has come up, I still spew up liquid yellow stuff. Then after that, I just sit there and gag and gag.
My father and I just got back from Hell Night. I wanted to kill him. I’m only eight years old, and I wanted to use one of our kitchen knives and stab and cut him until all the blood in his body drained onto the floor. I’ve never hated someone so much as I hate my father for making me do what I did tonight.
My mouth waters and my throat bobs, so I lean over the toilet and gag some more. I feel dirty. So dirty, I’m not sure I’ll ever be clean again.
I lean my forehead against the rim of the toilet and try to breathe past the sick feeling still in my stomach.
Trouble’s going to kill me tomorrow. I know it, and I won’t do anything to stop him. I’ll find him and show him that I won’t fight him. He can do whatever he wants to me. I deserve the worst possible thing he can think of. JW and Judge will help, which will make it easier for Trouble. Me and my brothers love each other and would do anything for each other. It’s going to hurt Trouble to have to hurt me, but I hurt his sister.
Thinking about Rella and what I was forced to do to her tonight has my empty stomach rumbling again. Tears and sweat splash in the toilet as I choke on air. I know I hurt her. I saw the blood.
Out of all the times my father has put his penis in me, it has never hurt so much as when I was forced to do the same to Rella. I fought him so hard. I screamed, I kicked, I punched, but it was never enough. In the end, it was my father’s voice in my ear that made me stop and do what I was told.
“Either you take her, Aziah, or I will, and the pain she’ll feel from me will be fifty times worse than I’ve ever given you.”
After that, I looked at Rella, her small body, the tears leaking down her cheeks, the fear in her eyes, and I knew I couldn’t let my father touch her like that. I knew he would hurt her too much. She was so small compared to him. He’d be too big for her. He’d damage her.
As much as it hurt me to look at her as I did the most horrible thing I’ve ever done, I wanted Rella to see how much I hated it. I wanted her to know I was hurting with her. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered through my scratchy throat.
It hurt even worse when her head bobbed up and down. She fought in the beginning when she realized what was going to happen, but when she saw me step up to her, she quieted down. Rella and I were a year apart. Her brother was my brother, so she was my sister. We all played together, along with JW and Judge. We were close and we trusted each other. I’ve known Rella my whole life. To hurt her in such a way shredded something inside me. To see the trust in her eyes as I was made to lie over her small body tore my chest wide open.
We both cried the entire time, but we never stopped looking at each other. I repeated my apology over and over again, knowing my words would never be enough, but each time she accepted them.
