The Leaves Forget, page 4
Something snags at my brain as I pick up the next letter and I quickly realise it’s the date. Imagine getting these in real time and suddenly there’s two missed weeks. As if I’m not trepidatious enough about all this, I get the feeling things are not going to be all flowers at conclave. No sketch this time.
Hey bro
Hope you weren’t worried when a letter didn’t come for a couple of weeks. So weird to think you’re back there in Hobart reading all this stuff. Thank you for not interfering and letting me have this. I keep expecting you to just turn up, to find me somehow. Don’t, okay? I need this to be mine. And especially when you read this, don’t come, okay?
Ah, shit. This clearly won’t be good. Liv, if I’d been getting these letters in real time I’d have been there weeks ago.
So I discovered there’s a thing called an oubliette. It means to forget. It’s the French word for the worst kind of dungeon, literally just a fucking hole in the ground where they would throw people and forget about them. Let them starve to death. Why the hell does Jonathan have one here, Craig?
Why the hell indeed! Did he throw you in a fucking hole, Liv? My hands shake and I gulp more scotch, take a deep breath. I knew this was going to develop into ever more abusive behaviour, but I didn’t expect dungeons. Although, she’s writing again, so she got out. This time, at least . . .
Anyway, bro, I kinda get why he did it. I think it was pretty extreme, but I get it. Discipline in a place like this needs to be serious as there are very few ways to enforce laws or rules. That’s what he told me. When life is simple, rules have to be harsh, or it’s too easy to slip into anarchy. But it was horrible, Craig. He put me in this hole in the ground about a hundred metres out into the bush behind the cabins, with a wooden hatch over the top that he secures with a padlock. It’s about three or four metres deep —I mean, it’s twice my height and I’m about 170cm, right? The hatch had a few very small holes in it, but I couldn’t see or hear anything and he left me in there for three days! I counted the light and dark changing through those little holes. I thought I’d go mad. When he threw me in, he said to concentrate on my personal work, that the way of leaves would sustain me. And in some ways it did. I mean, weirdly I felt like I made progress while I was down there, but it’s not something I want to repeat. He said the next time would be five days. I don’t think I could handle that.
Jesus, Liv, of course not. Who could? These are classic control tactics. Now he’s got you terrified of that hole in the ground, you’ll likely do anything to avoid being thrown in there again. There’s only a few letters left. Liv, what did you do?
The reason he put me there is for crossing personal boundaries. Remember when I said I might try to follow Chloe on one of her bush walks? Well, I did. She was up for breakfast one morning, that black cap with the white and red circle on the front pulled low over her eyes as usual, and when she’d eaten, she went back to her cabin, but didn’t go in. I was watching, side-eye, you know? She stood by the cabin and looked out at the bush and I could tell she was thinking of going walkabout again. So I tidied up and told the others I was going to meditate. We usually do that in our cabins, or pick spots anywhere around conclave. There’s all kinds of nice places. One of my favourites is on these rocks just on the edge of the bush behind all the cabins. So I went there and when Chloe headed into the trees not long after, I followed.
I let her get a bit ahead of me so we were far enough from conclave that we wouldn’t be seen or heard, then called out to her. Just like, “Hey, Chloe, you walking too?”
She seemed surprised, and a little annoyed. “I can go a different way if you want to walk here,” she said.
“Can’t we walk together?” I asked her. “We kinda live here together and I hardly know you.”
Then she said such a teen thing, Craig. “No one knows me, Liv.”
God, don’t you remember feeling like that? Talk about universal truths, right?
I asked her if she wanted to talk about it, that I’d love to get to know her. She said, “You’re not allowed to know me. No one is. I fucking hate it here, it’s not safe, and I’m leaving the first chance I get.”
Isn’t that terrible, Craig? I feel bad for her. It’s so sad that she thinks it’s not safe here.
Fuck me, Liv, listen to the girl! How can you think it is safe!?
And then she said, “If you’ve got any sense, you’ll leave now while you still can. Maybe it’s not too late.”
I asked her what she meant, but that’s when all hell broke loose. See, Jonathan had also seen us go into the bush and he followed us and he was so angry, Craig. He yelled at Chloe, told her to go back. That she knows better than to talk about forbidden subjects. I don’t even know what that means. What forbidden subjects?
Chloe burst into tears and ran back towards conclave and Jonathan dragged me by the arm and that’s when I found out about the oubliette. I’m still not quite sure what rules I broke, but when he finally let me out he was much calmer and said I needed to promise to leave Chloe alone. To focus on my own journey. I get the feeling even he thinks he overreacted at the time, but he’s not the sort to admit a mistake.
Liv, this guy is Abusive Arsehole 101. He’s a fucking case study, how can you not see it?
Anyway, when he let me out, he finally did ascendance with me again. It was amazing. I didn’t realise how much I’d been missing that special tea until I had it again. I think we’re all good now, things are calm again. He’s letting me drive the supply run again.
Then again, if he ever catches me sending these letters, holy shit . . .
But Chloe is keeping a very low profile, I haven’t seen her for a while. Regardless, I think we’re back on track. I missed the delivery run because I was in the hole, and the next week Jonathan didn’t go. Being pithy, you know. Jonathan said he wasn’t going to let me drive any more, but I begged him, told him I felt like it was really good for my journey to do that. I feel like it’s service to the others and that helps me along the way. Seems like we’re back on track now.
I’m getting so fast at writing by hand, look how much I’m getting to tell you these days!
Love you lots, bro. Talk again next week.
Liv xxx
I sit staring at the letter, stunned. Where does all this lead?
Oh, Liv, why can’t you just see through it and run away? Chloe was right. You need to leave while you still can. There are four letters left to read.
13
THE ELEVENTH LETTER, 14H FEBRUARY
A three-week gap. I wonder if she ended up in the hole again? With shaking fingers, I open the envelope and the first thing I see is a sketch of a woman crying. I wonder if that’s Liv, a self-portrait?
Lee is missing. Gone, I mean. I don’t know.
Craig, things are . . . let’s say not good.
Sorry I didn’t write last week. I got sick and said I could still drive but Jonathan wouldn’t let me. He said maybe I can’t drive any more at all, he seems really conflicted about letting me keep doing it. Maybe he suspects something? I forgot to say, last time I drove, I was in the cab writing my letter, and I keep an eye out all the time, yeah? That time he’d only been gone about five minutes and then he reappeared at the end of the street and stared hard at me. Thank fuck the letter stuff was out of sight on my lap. I just stopped writing, then acted like I’d just seen him and waved. He didn’t wave back or anything, just turned around and disappeared. Like he was checking on me, you know? I mentioned it when he got back and he said I must have been mistaken, he didn’t come and look. Why would he lie about that?
He’s an abusive narcissist, Liv. I expect he’s lying about everything.
Anyway, whatever, I’ve talked him into letting me drive again for now. But Lee is gone. No one knows where or why. The whole group sex thing has gone a little cold and none of us have done much for a couple of weeks. Like I said, I was sick anyway. Apparently Lee and Kristyn and Pete got together but Pete was acting all weird. I’ve got this after the fact from Kristyn, but she’s pretty level-headed. She said Pete was kinda aggressive and pushy and the whole tryst fell apart when Lee got upset about it. Usually no big deal, sometimes the vibe is just off, yeah? But the next morning Lee wasn’t at breakfast. We didn’t think much of it, but she didn’t show for lunch either, so I checked her cabin and she wasn’t there.
I asked around and no one had seen her all day. I knocked on Jonathan’s door, but Pete came over and said Jonathan had gone into town for something and wasn’t here. Everything seemed a bit weird.
Jonathan wasn’t back until the next day and we still hadn’t seen Lee. Pete and Matt didn’t seem too bothered, but me and Kristyn and Joanne were all concerned. Chloe just kinda hung out in the doorway of her cabin, watching everything. She seems to do that a lot lately.
When Jonathan got back we immediately confronted him, told him Lee was missing. He was completely blasé and said that yeah, she was gone. Decided to call it a day, conclave wasn’t working out for her.
Craig, that’s nuts. She was the best of us. She’d made real progress. She said she was going to push Jonathan to take her further. You think she pushed too hard? He threw her out? I don’t even know if he would do that.
She said something strange to me a day or two before she disappeared, too. She said, “The guys are doing stuff at night.” I asked what she meant, but right then Matt and Joanne came and sat near us and she clammed up, shook her head. I figured I’d ask more later but never got the chance.
I’m going to stay up and keep an eye out. See if anything does go on at night. I normally go to bed about nine or ten and sleep until seven or eight. Apart from anything else, bro, I’ve never been more rested. This kind of lifestyle, without all the distractions of modern life, is amazing for sleep.
But I’m worried. There’s a kind of change in the air, you know? It feels like something has shifted and I don’t like it. I’m sure it’ll balance out, but I plan to stay up a bit longer for a night or two and suss things out.
It’s no surprise that it’s not all sunshine and roses here. I guess I’ve been here . . . what? Nearly four months now or something? The novelty sure is wearing off, bro. But that’s part of the process too, right? I’ll be okay.
Don’t worry about me, yeah? I’m sure Lee just felt like this too and decided to quit. Maybe she was too embarrassed to tell us, which is mad, we’d have understood. Maybe she didn’t want to let us talk her into staying? I don’t know.
Anyway, love you and Mum and Dad!
Liv xxx
Liv, how can you be so close to a realisation about the others and so blind to the situation for yourself?
There’s only three letters left.
14
THE TWELFTH LETTER, 28TH FEBRUARY
I check the previous envelope again. That’s another two weeks between it and this letter. There’s something odd about the writing too, it’s less neat. Throughout all this, Liv’s writing has been that tidy, looping cursive she’s had since she was in primary school. Probably comes from being artistic, I guess. Everything she does is beautiful. But this isn’t so pretty. It’s rushed, perhaps? And maybe written with a shaking hand. Or am I projecting my own fears?
Craig. Shit.
Fucking hell, where to start. Things are different. So different. Sorry it’s been a while again, I hope you weren’t worried. I haven’t had a chance to write because Jonathan keeps going to the shop on his own now, not letting me drive. He even said, “Why are you always so keen to drive?” and his face was kinda mean. Like, suspicious, I guess? I told him all the stuff I’d said before. I was acting well, I know I was. But I think he suspects I’m up to something, only he can’t figure out what. But he was really off-kilter with me. “You’re getting like Lee,” he said. She broke the way and chose to leave. But he had this weird, sort of twisted smile when he said it. I don’t know what that means. I don’t like it.
Anyway, I got lucky. Jonathan had a fall, wet stones, and wrenched his left knee. The truck is a manual and he can’t use the clutch, so he reluctantly let me drive again. Just this once, he said. We’ll see. I suspect he might pay more attention though. I only leave the truck when I duck out and drop the letter in the post box, so the risk is minimal, but still.
There are two more letters after this one, so perhaps this isn’t all as final as it sounds, but the sinking feeling in my gut is sickening.
Bro, they’re all doing some mad occult shit at night.
And now I’m going to do it too.
Shit. It’s so weird to write that down. It sounds mental, doesn’t it?
Yes, Liv. Yes it does.
But it’s powerful, Craig. The tea Jonathan gives us is drugged, I realise that now. I can imagine you rolling your eyes, weeks ago reading these letters and knowing right away and you think I’m a dumbass, but I get it now. I mean, it’s obvious, right? It’s a kind of psychotropic, and that assists the way of leaves.
I don’t know what to think any more.
But this occult shit. Okay, so I stayed up like I said, and one night I saw Jonathan and Pete and Matt all quietly moving towards the trees. They stopped at Chloe’s cabin and there was some heated exchange between her and Jonathan, then they left without her.
I followed. They sat in the bush a few hundred metres in, arranged in a kind of circle. They all drank some of Jonathan’s tea and then started this chant. Remember I said they were chanting that first time I saw them in Sandy Bay? It was like that, but darker somehow. It sounded . . . I don’t know. Malevolent? Is that the right word? Evil seems like a dumb thing to say, but that’s what it was like. A weird, dark language.
So they started chanting and then each went into a kind of trance. It was night, of course, but it was clear, and I saw their eyes go black. Like totally, the iris, the white, everything, solid black. They all leaned back and this kind of twisting black smoke came up out of their mouths and all gathered in the air in the centre of their circle, and it formed a kind of shape, sort of human-like? But huge and it had these giant antlers. And it started speaking to them in that weird language. And they all spoke back. And the air felt electric. It was so powerful.
They opened their arms, palms up, and they all lifted off the ground.
Craig, I know you’ll think the trippy tea made me think I was levitating before, but I hadn’t had any while this happened and I was watching from like fifty metres away. They all fucking floated up in the air, bro. The eyes, the smoke, the levitating, it’s all real. They hung there, talking that horrible language for several seconds, then sank back down and kinda woke up.
I was about to sneak away when Jonathan turned and looked right at me. I nearly pissed my pants.
“You’re part of it now,” he said. “Your turn is coming. Next time, you’ll join us.”
I was frozen in place, so scared.
Jonathan said, “Don’t worry. This is the way of leaves. You were compelled to come, now you’ve seen, so now you join. It’s how things are supposed to be.”
He wasn’t angry, but he sounded smug somehow.
That was just a couple of days ago. They’re doing it again on the full moon in a couple of weeks, and I’m supposed to do it with them. I’m scared, bro. Should I leave?
Don’t answer! Don’t come and find me, okay? Promise me that! This is my journey. My decision. I’ll be okay. I’ll figure it out. I can always just leave, it’s fine.
Anyway, super weird, right? I love you, dickhead. I’ll get another letter to you whenever I can. Love to the olds.
Liv xxx
Jesus, Liv. Two letters left. What the fuck happened?
15
THE THIRTEENTH LETTER, 17TH MARCH
That’s nearly a month since the last one. This letter is clearly more rushed than any before, the writing desperate. And it’s a bit crumpled up, like it’s been jammed in a pocket or something. My stomach sinks when I see the opening line.
Craig, I’m on the run. Fuck! I’m writing this quickly, then I’m going to run to town—I’m nearly there now—and post it. Then I’m going to keep fucking running.
Chloe is gone.
I think she’s dead.
And I think Lee is dead too. I don’t think she left, I think they killed her.
And I think they tried to kill me too.
I’m sure they wanted to sacrifice me at the full moon ritual thing, but I freaked out and apparently messed everything up. Too complicated to explain now. Not enough time. Jonathan is so angry. He said I’m an idiot, I spoiled everything. They need to start the Commitment of Three again, whatever the fuck that means. He said if it wasn’t for Joanne and Kristyn, all his hard work would be lost. He said that of course they weren’t going to hurt me, I misinterpreted everything, I need to trust him. But they were, Craig! I really think they were. He tried to drug me, maybe even knock me out completely, but I could tell the tea was way stronger than usual and I didn’t drink it. I just pretended. I think that saved my life.
I have no idea why he didn’t throw me straight in the hole. In the oubliette. I think he was that angry he’s forgotten for now. Him and Matt and Pete were yelling and arguing, and I just ran back to conclave and they let me go. Maybe he would have thrown me in there when they got back, which is why I had to leave right away. In the night. I wasn’t about to wait for them to get back.
I took a big risk, sneaking to the truck to get this stuff, and then I just ran down the road and away. I’m nearly at Deverin now, and I’m writing this because I have to let you know. If I don’t make it, if they catch me, at least you’ll know this much. I’ve made it this far but I feel like any second they’ll be right there, behind me.
I’m going to post this then find a way to reach you. I can’t remember your phone number, can you believe that? Or Mum and Dad’s. All that stuff is in my phone. Everything is. We don’t remember anything for ourselves any more. But I’ll try to get away, well beyond Deverin first, and then find a way to reach you.
