Bess Lovelace, page 15
‘But she clearly wasn’t doing it very well if you couldn’t orgasm!’ she cried.
‘Well, it was tricky…I could never quite relax entirely around her. I was always so…well so…intimidated by her, I suppose.’
She sighed. ‘That’s so sad, Bess,’ she concluded.
I shrugged. ‘It’s just what it is…I don’t want you to think that it might be the same as in that club, Alex. I really think that was a one-off because I was relaxed and drinking heavily. Sober, I think I’m pretty boring and not a sexual person in the slightest.’
‘Your kisses tell me differently,’ she mused.
‘They do?’
She nodded, scanning my eyes. ‘You’re passionate, Bess. I can feel it. Maybe, sometime when you’re comfortable, we can explore it…see what’s going on with you. See if we can get you past this thought that you’re frigid and not sexual.’
‘Maybe,’ I murmured, worrying how she would feel if I wasn’t like that.
‘It worries you?’ she asked then.
I bit my lip, feeling tension in my stomach.
‘I don’t want to be a disappointment. I want you to like me,’ I told her, quietly.
‘I do like you, Bess,’ she implored, ‘And not everything is about sex, is it?’
‘No, it’s not…but it can matter in a relationship. Tess apparently went looking elsewhere when I couldn’t give her what she needed.’
‘She cheated on you?’ she asked.
I nodded, sadly. ‘So, uh…the night we met…me and you…I was upset. I’d followed her, with good intentions. She’d forgotten something important, so I followed her and then accidently saw her meet up with another woman. They were all over each other. I was shocked and disgusted, especially because she’d hurt me and humiliated me the day before. She’d called me ugly, frigid and laughed at me before pushing me down and then I find out she’s gallivanting around with another woman! I was so angry-so I went out in that storm and happened upon that club.’
‘Oh…’ she murmured, quietly.
‘But there’s more. The other day…she turned up back at the house…she had this woman with her. Vanessa her name was. Anyway, she introduced me to her as if it were nothing and then while she went to get ready, left her to talk with me! The woman said how amazing it was that we were ‘open’ and referred to Tess as someone who ‘had lots of girlfriends.’
‘My God, you must have been fuming!’ she exclaimed.
‘I was disgusted. It still makes me feel sick to think while she was abusive, demeaning and accusing me of all sorts of things, she was sleeping around with other women!’
‘Well, it sounds like you’re well shot of her, Bess! You wouldn’t want to be with a woman like that if she’s behaving in such a vile way.’
‘No, I really wouldn’t. I just can’t get it out of my head-and the idea that she’s been with lots of other women makes me think it is me…not her. If other women are interested in her then she must do okay in bed, surely? It’s me, isn’t it?’
‘You don’t know that. It could just be that you’re incompatible, sexually. Some couples are. I just wish for your sake that you had experienced other women…other sex. To make you realise that you are sexy, passionate and attractive.’
‘I feel like none of those things,’ I admitted, quietly.
‘Would it be something you’d want to explore with me?’ Alex asked, very tentatively, not wanting to upset me.
‘I, uh…I don’t know in all honesty,’ I answered. ‘I’m a little scared to go there…’
‘Well, maybe if that changes, just give me the nudge to know…we can hug and kiss for now, but if you ever wanted to try more, then just say the word.’
I smiled at her, embarrassed.
‘Now, all of this has been a lot…how about we cuddle up on the couch with some popcorn and drinks and watch a movie?’
My eyebrows rose in contented surprise. ‘Like a movie night?’
‘Like a movie night,’ she repeated, grinning at me happily.
‘I haven’t done that since I was a teenager!’ I told her.
‘Well, then it’s time to set that one right! We can get a warm blanket, food and snacks. You can choose the movie…come on, you’ll love it!’
‘I’m sure I will,’ I said, following her off the window seat. I had a smile on my face which had been long overdue in lingering for so long.
Chapter 9
Alex seemed adept at movie night and had all the ingredients for an amazing night in about three minutes.
‘Come and get cosy,’ she said, indicating the sofa.
I did as she suggested and sat down at one end, tucking myself under the cover as Lucky hopped into the middle section. ‘No, that’s not going to work,’ Alex commented, taking the only seat left available-at the opposite end. Come on, Lucky…get off!’ she said, giving her a gentle push. ‘Come up here, Bess. We can sit and cuddle up together. Lucky can go down that end.’
‘Okay,’ I said, shifting up to her end, beside her.
She held her arm up for me to settle underneath and I found myself warm against her body with the cover spread over me and then Lucky at my feet. It felt like heaven.
‘Here…you choose the film.’
‘Oh, I don’t mind watching anything,’ I told her.
‘Nope. You’re deciding. I’ll watch anything. Maybe though, we should watch something light and funny all things considered though? We don’t want to be watching horror or crime after everything that’s going on right now.’
‘True,’ I said, clicking onto Netflix. ‘I mean, I don’t know if you’ve seen the first seasons, but I did like Bridgerton. It was a really nice romance.’
‘I love Bridgerton-and I haven’t had the chance to see the third season either. My friend Ellie was raving about it to me and telling me to watch it.’
‘Shall we watch that then?’ I smiled.
‘Yes! Let’s get started!’ she agreed, willingly.
I pressed play and settled back, comfortably. A little way in, Alex moved and picked up the popcorn and we ate together as we watched, Alex teasing me occasionally by lifting a piece to my mouth for me to enjoy. It was fun, easy and light-hearted and I found myself relaxing-something I rarely achieved.
The series we watched was pure escapism. Romance filled the air as we watched the two lead characters navigate their feelings for one another as the episodes progressed. We’d reached the beginning of the third one when I felt Alex’s feelings shift and her concentration waver. Her mind was now on me, the way I felt close against her and thinking about the kisses we’d shared, and whether to initiate another.
I let her consider if for a while, her feelings torn. I listened in to understand why she was debating this so heavily-on the one hand, she was fighting against how good it felt to be kissing me but on the other, she was worried about everything I’d been through, my vulnerability and the concerns I had about everything. It made her doubt that the timing was right.
Deciding on cuddling more rather than anything else, she shifted against me, getting comfier and holding me closely, her arms squeezing me gently against her in a gesture that spoke of care and support of me rather than desire.
My own hormones seemed to be raging though and I shifted, turning slightly to look up at her as the programme continued to play in the background.
‘Okay?’ she asked, softly.
I nodded, smiling at her. Our eyes caught and held, emotions high as neither of us chose to look away. I felt drawn to her and felt myself leaning closer before I could even think to stop. She was everything I’d always wished and hoped to experience in being with a woman, but I felt nervous because I liked her so much.
Alex saw me lean in closer and took the chance to meet me halfway. Our lips met in a tentative first touch and I sighed, loving the feeling of closeness between us. Her mouth moved then, tempting me into a deeper kiss immediately.
Sinking into her embrace, our kisses quickly became passionate. My mouth opened under hers and the sweep of her tongue against mine sent shivers running through my body. Moaning with pleasure, I kissed her back, responding to her every move. My one good arm moved, my fingers threading into the back of her hair to slide through the soft silkiness there and keep her mouth on mine. Alex’s hand ran along my waist, across my back and then back down-staying in ‘safe’ places but arousing, nonetheless.
The programme forgotten; I became lost in Alex’s arms. My mind stopped and all I could focus on was her. Everything about her was incredible, and I never wanted this moment to end. Our kisses seemed never ending, and I found that despite everything that was going on, she was my one, good beacon of hope that made me yearn for a new and different future.
Tearing her mouth from mine, Alex eased back, staring at me with darkened blue eyes. The look on her face told me just how much I got to her. Her cheeks were flushed, her mouth puffy and plump from our kissing and her eyes…God, her eyes were shining with a bright light which told me how much she wanted this…how much she wanted me. ‘Bess…’ she groaned.
‘Don’t stop,’ I murmured, pulling her back down, my hand at the nape of her neck.
She crashed her mouth on top of mine, kissing me fiercely, passion exploding between us. Our mouths were open and hungry, our tongues clashing then dancing and I strained against her, wanting more as the seconds went on.
My breathing became ragged, and my body tightened in all the right places. Shivers ran all over me as we continued to kiss, my nipples hardening into tight, little buds while I throbbed in the juncture between my thighs, feeling myself becoming damp with arousal.
Knowing I’d never felt anything this good before, I also never wanted it to end. Her kisses were delicious, and her touch was intensely arousing. Moaning against her mouth, I knew I wanted more but at the same time, worries began to flit through my mind-concerns I wasn’t what she would want, anxious I wouldn’t respond in the way I should and overall, that I would be a disappointment.
Unable to reconcile my body with my mind, I pulled back, unexpectedly.
‘You okay?’ she asked, immediately.
‘I…yeah,’ I nodded, heart thumping fast in my chest. ‘It, uh…’
‘Too much?’ she questioned, eyes scanning mine.
‘No, uh…well yeah…I just…’ I couldn’t make up my mind what I needed or wanted to say to her. ‘I might go and take a shower.’
‘Oh! Okay then,’ she said, frowning after my quickly retreating form.
Getting up I glanced back several times as I made my way to the bedroom which led to the bathroom. I needed a few minutes space to breathe. I didn’t know how to calm my racing heart; it was literally running a mile a minute.
Stepping into the bathroom, I sat down on the side of the bath for long moments, dropping my head onto my hands and calming my breathing. She had such an incredible effect on me, but I didn’t want to push it too far because then it would all go wrong, I was sure. It would be over as quickly as it started because she’d realise the truth-that I was frigid, and being with me in that way wouldn’t be something that she would want to repeat when she found me cold and unresponsive.
Sighing to myself, I stood up and stared in the mirror. My eyes were twinkling, and my lips looked well-kissed. I saw a glimmer of the old ‘me’ there, which was reassuring. I just needed time to bring the rest of her back.
Stripping off my clothes with difficulty due to the cast, I let them fall to the bathroom floor and then stepped into the shower. It was awkward, as I had to leave my broken arm out of the spray and wash myself with one hand. It took longer than any normal shower would take, but when I was done, I felt better-calmer.
Wrapping a towel around myself was a challenge. Doing everything one-handed was proving to be a pain but I managed at last and took another towel to rub my face and short hair dry. Leaving the bathroom then, I stepped out and found Alex sitting on the bed, waiting for me.
‘Bess…’ she murmured.
‘Oh, hey,’ I replied, blushing slightly.
‘You okay?’ she asked, looking concerned.
‘I just…’
‘I’m so sorry I did that, Bess. I didn’t mean to push you too far. I had no intention of doing that, I think I just got carried away. I apologise,’ she said, staring at me with wide, sad eyes.
I heard and felt her guilt and was immediately regretful that I’d just left her like that. ‘No, it wasn’t you, Alex,’ I told her, taking a step towards her. ‘I loved every minute of being in your eyes,’ I told her, ‘I just got scared.’
‘Of what?’ she asked, frowning.
‘Of being a disappointment,’ I told her, shaking my head.
‘Bess! You could never be a disappointment!’ she exclaimed.
‘You don’t know that,’ I argued. ‘I was drunk that night in the club. Here, in the sober light of day, I assure you, I’d be a vast disappointment to you, Alex. I don’t respond in that way. My body doesn’t do that,’ I told her, feeling upset. ‘When I could feel you…well, you becoming aroused out there, I got nervous.’
‘What-that if I tried to take it further that you wouldn’t be able to climax? That you’d be unresponsive?’ she questioned.
I nodded, sadly. ‘I really like being here with you. I like kissing you and holding you…I do feel turned on when I’m with you too, but I feel like I would just end up being an awful disappointment.’
‘Okay; stop,’ she told me. ‘That’s the last time you ever use that word about yourself,’ she told me, her face changing into a frown. ‘Do you want to know what I think?’ she asked.
‘I…yes,’ I decided, wanting to hear her thoughts on this.
‘I think that there is nothing wrong in that area at all, Bess. The only thing I think that is affected here is your mind. You’ve been emotionally and physically abused into thinking you’re less than you are, that you’re unattractive and that you’re unresponsive in bed. I think all of that’s crap. If I’m honest, I believe the sex part was most likely her. I doubt she was doing enough to make it good for you,’ she said, holding my eyes. ‘I mean, when she went down on you, could you relax into it enough to feel the pleasurable sensation it creates?’
‘Oh, she didn’t do that,’ I said, blushing fiercely. ‘She told me early on that she ‘wasn’t into that’ so we never did that.’
Alex gaped at me, her mouth dropping. ‘So, you’re telling me, she’s been your only sexual partner, and she never showed you what oral is like?’ she exclaimed.
I shrugged. ‘Yeah…’
‘Oh my God, Bess! Jesus! What on earth?’ she cried, shaking her head and reaching for my hand. ‘Come here,’ she encouraged, tugging me towards her.
‘Why?’ I said but moved closer.
She reached for my towel and had let it slip to the floor before I could do anything about it, exposing my entire naked body to her.
‘I’m going to show you,’ she said, huskily, drawing me down to the bed and moving downwards swiftly.
I didn’t have time to react before she had pushed me to my back and spread my legs on the bed, so I was wide open for her and her mouth was on me, her soft tongue sliding slickly across my slick folds and finding my clitoris.
All embarrassment, thought of stopping her and worries went out the window in the moment her tongue touched the sensitive nub of my clitoris. I gasped and tensed, my hand fisting in the sheets as my stomach contracted wildly at the feeling of her soft, incredible tongue moving there.
I’d never felt anything like it and my soft, sharp needy breaths were testament to that. She began licking at the whole area, sliding her tongue down my folds and then back up before suckling on the bud of my clitoris harder, making me cry out.
Her persistent tongue lapped at the bud once more and I couldn’t help the litany of moans, cries and gasps which came from my mouth. It was intense, heady and I knew I’d never felt such incredible pleasure ever before.
Her mouth went to town on me, licking and suckling, lapping and lathering her tongue everywhere possible. It felt so intense, so amazing and I couldn’t stop myself writhing, arching and becoming more vocal than I’d ever been before.
‘Alex,’ I cried, my voice agonised. ‘Please…’ I begged, unsure of what I was even asking for. ‘Yes…oh my God…so good…please…oh God,’ I exclaimed, close to the edge already, her talented tongue pushing me to the drink swiftly.
‘Mmm,’ she moaned, moving the flat of her tongue to my aching clitoris and undulating there, pushing me higher and higher.
She increased the pressure and centred in on my clitoris alone, making my breathing ragged as I wondered if I could take it, if I could cope with the intense feelings spreading through me. I panted breaths of bliss, lifting my head to see her mouth on me, buried between my legs. The image of her there, her tongue working me ragged, and her eyes closed as she focused on my pleasure was too much and I slumped back, arched and came magnificently, crying out as I reached my peak.
On and on it went, waves crashing over each other repeatedly as she kept me going. I rode the endless spiral of bliss until I crashed, coming down and slumping back on the bed heavily as I lay spent and sated, completely and utterly finished.
Alex crawled up my body then, easing on top of me, capturing my mouth with hers for an open-mouthed kiss, which was incredibly erotic after what she had just done to me.
When she lifted her head, she met my eyes and smiled, her expression happy, hazy and soft. ‘See?’ she chuckled. ‘No problem there…’ she grinned.
I stared at her, wide-eyed, the revelation of what it felt like to be touched properly and intimately having a profound effect on me. ‘Alex!’ I exclaimed.
‘I know,’ she smiled.
‘It felt…incredible!’ I told her, unable to get over the shock of pleasure I’d just experienced.
‘It’s a tongue on your clitoris, Bess. It’s going to feel good!’ she chuckled.
‘I didn’t think I could…never was able to…’
‘Climax? Get to orgasm?’ she questioned. ‘I know, baby-but we’ve just proved that was not you…okay?’
