HATE CRUSH, page 22
“I fucked up,” he answers in a gravelly voice. “I can’t say it any other way. I wasn’t right in the head when my father died. I’ve been so goddamned cruel to you, but I thought the only way to make things right was to leave you alone. I’ve pushed you away for so long because you just fucking terrify me, Stella. You brought me back to life. You made me feel again, and I didn’t like it. I thought I had something to prove by breaking you, but it was the biggest mistake I’ve ever made in my life.”
I swallow because that wound is still too raw to touch. I know Sebastian has been through a lot, and in the beginning, all I wanted to do was save him. But I have a baby to think about now, and I need to know he won’t ever do that again. Not if he wants to be a part of our lives.
“I know how much I hurt you.” His knuckles tighten around the steering wheel. “It’s going to take time to repair that, and I’m trying not to push you. But I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. In time, I hope you will see that.”
“I want to believe that,” I admit. “But I just… I don’t know yet.”
“You’re still wearing my necklace.” His eyes drift to the gold bar hanging around my neck. “Does that mean there’s hope?”
“I couldn’t bring myself to take it off.” My voice wavers. “I didn’t want to. But that doesn’t mean I never will.”
“You’re breaking my heart.” His voice cracks.
“You broke mine too.” Tears sting my eyes as I turn my gaze to the passing scenery.
“Don’t go somewhere else,” he pleads. “Talk to me. Tell me how we can work through this.”
My hands squeeze together in my lap as I work up the courage to ask the scariest question. “Okay, well for starters, I need to know how you feel about this baby.”
“I want the baby.” He glances over at me. “Obviously, it was always a consideration.”
“It wasn’t a consideration.” I glare at him. “It was a high likelihood, and you know it.”
“Do you want me to say it?” His jaw clenches. “Do you want me to tell you that on some level, I wanted this? Because I guess I did. I knew what I was doing when I fucked you and came in you. It didn’t stop me. I’m a twisted son of a bitch, but when it comes to you, I can’t fucking help myself.”
I take a moment to process his words, and I don’t know if I should be mad, but his honesty is refreshing for once. Because if I’m being honest too, I knew exactly what we were doing.
“Do you want the baby?” he asks so softly I barely hear the question.
“Of course, I do.” I lay a protective hand over my belly.
“So I haven’t fucked up your life forever?” His voice is so raw, it physically hurts me to see him like this.
“No, Sebastian. You haven’t.”
He takes a moment to gather himself before continuing. “Because if you feel that way, on any level, I need you to know this isn’t your fault. You can walk away. You can go to college, figure out your future, do whatever you want. I will raise this child and take responsibility for it, no matter what.”
“You aren’t raising my baby without me,” I answer, horrified by the thought. “My child won’t ever think for one second that she wasn’t wanted by me. Never.”
“I don’t want to raise this baby without you.” He reaches over and strokes my arm. “I just want you to know that I would if that’s what it came down to. It would be the hardest thing I’d ever have to do to let you go, but I need to know that you’ll be happy. It’s the only way I can be at peace.”
I don’t know how to react to this version of Sebastian. I’ve never seen him so emotionally ravaged, and I want to give him my reassurances, but I’m not ready for that yet. Without a doubt, I am going to raise this baby. And when I imagine the future, I can’t see any other reality where Sebastian isn’t by my side. But the only way we’ll ever get there is by taking it one day at a time. And right now, I’m too lost for words when he pulls into the drive of one of the most beautiful estates I’ve ever seen.
“Oh my God.” I poke my head toward the windshield and stare at the sprawling brick manor on display before us. “This is your house?”
“Yes.” His voice is terse, and he seems nervous as he studies me, but I don’t understand why.
As soon as he turns off the ignition, I’m halfway out of the car before he can come around to assist me. Sebastian leads me up the stairs and opens the front door, revealing a huge reception area with vaulted ceilings and marble inlay floors. He wastes no time taking my hand in his and giving me the quickest tour in history, rattling off details as we wander from room to room.
The place is thirteen thousand square feet with six bedrooms, a cherrywood library, two living rooms, and a pool with a view of Long Island Sound. It truly is the most magnificent home I’ve ever seen, but Sebastian seems unaware of my wonder as he mentions oak floors and custom glasswork. On the second level, he points out a gym, a wine cellar, and a home theater. And after seeing this house, I can’t even imagine him spending the last four years in a small cottage at Loyola.
“This place is insane,” I murmur.
“I inherited it from my mother’s estate,” he tells me. “It’s on a private peninsula, and the real estate is prime. I can tell you from experience it’s a nice place to have a family, but if you don’t love it, I’ll buy you a house anywhere you want.”
He says all of this as he stares out the window, and I realize that beneath his indifference, fear lurks. Sebastian wants my assurance that I’ll live here with him. I just don’t know yet if it’s a promise I’m willing to make.
“I would never ask you to sell this place.” I attempt to soften the blow of my uncertainty.
“Then tell me what I have to do to make things right.” His eyes fall on me, and the anguish hidden in those green depths nearly destroys me. I want to vanquish it for eternity, and if I had the power, I would.
“I know about your sister,” I say softly. “Were you ever going to tell me?”
The vein in his neck pulses, and he leads me over to the nearest sofa, making sure I’m comfortable before he retreats to the window. He doesn’t like to be vulnerable, and I get that, but if we still have secrets between us, there’s no chance this relationship will ever work. The last time I confronted him about his father’s death, he left me, and I honestly don’t know what to expect from him right now.
“It’s not a topic I particularly like to revisit,” he says. “That’s why I didn’t tell you.”
“I just need to know that you can talk to me,” I assure him. “That’s it.”
He bows his head and his shoulders tremble under the weight of his silent emotion. “I’ve spent the past five years being so goddamned miserable. She would hate me for doing that. Katie, I mean. She was an amazing person. She would have loved you.”
“I wish I could have known her,” I answer delicately.
“She was my biggest supporter,” he explains. “She came out that night to help me celebrate my decision to go pro. It meant everything to her to see me playing soccer rather than following my father’s chosen path. But he wasn’t the type of man you could say no to. When he found out I was going to be drafted, he hired the men who mugged me. They were just supposed to shatter my knee, and Katie happened to be there. When they attacked me, she lost it. Everything happened so fast, there wasn’t even time to react. One minute, I was on the pavement, and the next, her life was over with three bullets.”
“My God, Sebastian.” I curl into myself as I try to hold it together for his sake. “I had no idea your own father was responsible for that. I’m so sorry.”
“He was a prick,” Sebastian answers flatly. “But on some level, I think I still loved him regardless. Even after everything, when he died, it fucked me up.”
“We can’t help who our parents are,” I tell him. “Or loving them, flaws and all.”
“I was always afraid I’d turn out just like him,” he admits. “And I saw it happening with you. I did things I hated myself for under the guise of helping you in some twisted way.”
“It wasn’t just you,” I concede. “I was an active participant in those twisted games too.”
“I always knew you deserved better.” He wheels around and looks at me. “I still do. But I can’t let you go. I don’t want to.”
I want so badly to tell him he doesn’t have to, but there are still so many things we need to work through.
“How can I know you won’t go back to that dark place again?” I ask.
“When I almost lost you, it woke me the fuck up. The notion of a world without you was unbearable. Not even an hour before, I saw you in that office, pregnant with my child, and it felt like everything was falling together. In a single second, my old life was gone, and my future was sitting right there in front of me. I can’t even explain it, but at that moment, everything became so clear. And I promise you, if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life proving myself worthy of your love.”
He approaches me slowly, and when he collapses onto his knees in front of me, I struggle to keep my emotions in check.
“I will beg for your forgiveness if that’s what it takes.”
“I don’t want you to beg.” I reach out to touch his face. “That isn’t the man I know you to be.”
“Then what?” He looks up at me as his hands come to rest on mine.
“Tell me about Megan.”
“Megan?” He looks confused, as if he doesn’t understand the question. “What about her?”
“The papers said you were with her in New York. After the funeral, you went to dinner with her.”
“Christ, Stella.” His face morphs from confusion to relief. “Is that what you’ve been worrying about this entire time?”
My lack of response is enough for him to take that as a yes.
“Nothing happened with Megan,” he assures me. “I haven’t been with anyone but you.”
“But you were with her,” I argue.
“I was with her because she’s in real estate, and she volunteered her help selling my father’s penthouse along with his belongings.”
“That’s it?” I release a shaky breath.
“That’s it,” he swears. “You have my word. I might be a lot of things, but a liar and a cheat aren’t one of them.”
“Well, you could see how I might have misread the situation.” I jump up and begin to pace the floor. “You never made it clear we were in a relationship, and that was the second time I saw you with her. How do you think it makes me feel that you opened up to her instead of me?”
“Like shit, I imagine.” His shoulders fall. “I wasn’t thinking when I met with her, and it wasn’t about me opening up to her. She was aware of my family situation, and I asked her for a favor. That was it.”
“I need to know stuff like that won’t happen again,” I tell him, and a smile curves his lips. “Why are you smiling?”
“I’m sorry.” He tries and fails to hide it. “But you’re so goddamned beautiful when you’re jealous.”
My cheeks burn as he hauls me into his arms, gripping my chin between his fingers while his lips caress mine.
“I belong to you, baby. From the day you walked into my life, that was it for me.”
“Are you sure?” I challenge. “Because there are no refunds. You’re stuck with me now.”
“I’m so fucking sure I think there’s only one way to prove it to you.”
“What’s that?” I arch a brow at him.
His eyes darken, and the dominance returns to his voice as he makes his demand in my ear. “Take off all your clothes.”
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
STELLA
“YOU HAVE no idea what this does to me,” Sebastian murmurs as his hands come to rest on my belly in what can only be considered a form of worship.
He’s kneeling before me in nothing more than his trousers, and I’m completely naked on his bed. His palms snake around my back and drag my ass over the edge of the mattress, the position forcing my legs apart. My fingers curl into his hair in anticipation as he peppers my inner thighs with tender kisses. The muscles in his back are rigid, and I can tell he’s trying to maintain his self-control, but he’s failing.
“I haven’t had you in months.” He drags his nose against my sex and inhales me. “I fucking need you, baby. But I don’t know how to love you gently. I only know how to love you on fire.”
“So, love me on fire.” My nails scrape over his scalp as I arch into him. “Let us smolder until we both turn to dust.”
He releases a growl and finally caves into his animal ways, diving into the most intimate part of my body like a man who’s gone without for years. And I realize that he has. Sebastian has been emotionally starved, and his soul is fractured in so many places. But I vow here and now that I will love that broken soul and fill up every void with goodness and light.
He lashes at me with his tongue, and I close my eyes and surrender to the sensations. Everything feels so intense. Is it the hormones, or the walls we’ve finally managed to break down? I don’t know, but when I orgasm around him, he groans and starts fumbling with his trousers so fast it’s obvious he feels it too.
“I just need to be inside you,” he murmurs.
He barely manages to free his cock from his trousers before he’s on me, and then in me. Burying himself deep within my warmth, he kisses me so fiercely the scorching heat will be branded onto my lips for eternity. Sebastian grunts in pain as his hips thrust in and out of me while I dig my fingers into his flesh, anywhere I can reach, never getting close enough.
“I fucking love you, Stella,” he confesses as he pulls back briefly to look at me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.” I drag his face back to mine, and he thrusts into me, his entire body trembling out his release.
“You’re mine,” he declares. “And I’m never letting you go.”
“SO WHAT HAPPENS NOW?” I trace the hard lines of Sebastian’s chest as I lie next to him in bed.
Neither of us has moved in hours, content to just hold each other as the daylight fades and darkness consumes us. But I’m getting hungry, and I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea of living here. I don’t have any of my things yet from school, and I need to figure out how this correspondence will work. There are a million things to do, but right now, admittedly, I don’t have the energy for anything else.
“I’ll send someone to get your things,” he volunteers. “Or if you’d prefer, we can arrange for Sybil to bring them this weekend.”
“I’d much rather have Sybil bring them,” I admit.
He nods, as if he expected as much. “Headmistress Gilbert is aware of the incident that occurred, so you’ll be starting correspondence next week. That should give you some time to rest and settle in.”
“Okay.”
“I need to go grab something,” he says. “Wait here a minute.”
I sink into the fluffy bed without protest because I have no intentions of going anywhere. Initially, I thought it would take me some time to feel comfortable here, but I realize that I already do. Honestly, though, it wouldn’t matter if we were living in the tiny cottage together in Nantucket. The only thing that matters is that I’m with Sebastian.
It’s crazy how much I miss him, even when he’s only gone for a minute in the other room. I briefly wonder if this is normal, and then quickly realize I don’t care. Nothing about our relationship is normal or typical, and I need to throw those expectations out the window.
“I have something I want to give you.” He returns and sits down on the bed in nothing but his briefs, and I have difficulty concentrating with so much of his beautiful body on display. He seems to notice when a smile curves his lips.
“Focus, Stella.”
“Sorry.” My eyes move to his. “You are just so… distracting.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” His smile morphs into a different expression, and if I didn’t know any better, I might think he was nervous.
“What do you want to give me?”
“I know we haven’t done anything the traditional way,” he says. “Everything has moved at lightning speed between us, and there’s still a lot to figure out. So, with that being said, I’m not looking for an answer right now. In fact, I don’t want one right now. I want you to finish school, and have our baby, and after you’ve given it adequate thought, you can tell me what you want.”
My heart hammers against my rib cage as Sebastian opens his palm to reveal a ring. A stunning art deco piece with what appears to be a canary diamond right in the center.
“It was my mother’s.” He reaches for my hand and slides it onto my right ring finger, as if to prove that this doesn’t mean we’re engaged. But it doesn’t change the way I’m staring at it, or the way my heart feels right now.
“Sebastian, I don’t know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything,” he insists. “Someday, when you’re ready, I want you to be my wife. But until then, please just wear this and know without a doubt, I am devoted to you in every way. The past is behind us now, and every time you look at this ring, I want you to consider what your future looks like. With or without me.”
I reach out to touch his face, and then drag his lips to mine. It would be so easy to give him an answer right now. In my heart, I know nothing will change. But we have all the time in the world to prove it.
EPILOGUE
STELLA
“HOLY MOTHER EFFING SHIT,” Sybil hisses as she nudges me in the side with her elbow. “Did you see this?”
“What?” I ask absently as I scan the room and offer a polite smile to the guests as they make their rounds.
“Look.” She shoves her phone into my hand, and my eyes shoot up in surprise when I see the image in the article entitled A Socialite’s Fall from Grace. The mugshot of Louisa isn’t doing her complexion any favors, and it’s obvious that prison orange is definitely not in her color wheel.
