HATE CRUSH, page 15
She looks up at me like I’m certifiable, and I don’t blame her. She doesn’t understand, but to me it makes perfect sense. And I need her to understand. I need her to understand so badly I just want to shake her.
“You can’t ever do this to me again.” I glare at her. “Do you get that? You are never to run off without telling me where you’re going.”
“Why?” she fires back. “How am I supposed to keep up with what you want? One minute you’re there, and the next you’re ignoring me.”
“That doesn’t matter,” I argue. “This isn’t acceptable. I need to know where you are at all times. If you want to get my attention, there are better ways of doing it.”
“Not everything is about you.” She pins me with her gaze. “Tell me why you’re here. Is this a Loyola rule, or is it yours?”
“You already know the answer to that. Don’t ask stupid questions.”
“I want to hear it from your mouth,” she insists. “Admit it, Sebastian. Just fucking admit it. You can’t live without this, so why are you still fighting it?”
“Let’s go home,” I deflect.
“Home?” She shoves me away from her and folds her arms across her chest. “What home? I don’t have a fucking home.”
I don’t know what to say to make this better for her. And even worse, she’s right. She doesn’t have a home, but she should know that I would never allow her to go without. Maybe I can’t offer her solace, but I could buy her anything she might possibly need. It just sounds so shallow to say it out loud, so I try again to reach for her, but she refuses me.
“Lie to me,” she pleads.
“What?”
“Tell me something nice.” Her lip trembles, and she tries so hard not to let it show. “Just one nice thing, Sebastian. And then I will go with you.”
I stuff my hands into my pockets, conceding that she’s cornered me. She knows I won’t leave here without her, and she also knows I’m not a man to bow to anyone else’s demands. But this isn’t about me. This is about Stella and what she needs from me right now, even if she can’t say it.
“You are so goddamned pretty, it defies my willpower.”
It isn’t a lie. And this time, when I reach out for her, she doesn’t pull away. I drag her against my body and kiss the top of her head because I’m weak, and then I whisper another not-lie in her ear.
“I’m trying to protect you from me because I will leave you empty, baby. It’s just who I am.”
Her chest deflates, and she accepts the worst of me without a fight. “My father isn’t here. So you can take me back, I guess.”
Wordlessly, I lead her to my car and make the hour-long drive back to Connecticut in silence. Stella stares out the window, and it’s only when I stop at the cell phone store that she looks over at me. “What are we doing?”
“We’re getting you a phone.”
“I don’t have enough money to maintain a phone bill,” she protests.
“I’m aware of that. But I do, and I want you to have one.”
“Sebastian, no—”
“This is non-negotiable.” I open the door and gesture for her to follow. “I need a way to communicate with you.”
After another five-minute argument about whether I should or should not buy her a phone, she gives up and follows me inside the store. Twenty minutes later, she has a brand-new iPhone on my plan with my number programmed on speed dial. Once we have that sorted, I pull a handful of hundred-dollar bills from my wallet along with a credit card and toss them into her lap.
“What is that?” She glares at me.
“Pocket money.” I start the car and drive back toward Loyola. “Use the card for whatever you need throughout the year.”
“I’m not your responsibility,” she reminds me. “I don’t need you to take care of me.”
“I know you don’t.” My voice softens. “But it makes me feel better, so just take it and don’t say another word about it.”
She looks like she isn’t finished arguing, but I’m fucking exhausted, so I reach over and squeeze her knee in my palm. “So help me, Stella, if another protest comes out of that mouth, I will pull over and smack your ass until you remember your manners. If you really want to thank me, you can do it tonight. After I fuck you until you can’t walk.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
STELLA
AS THE SEASONS begin to change, so does my growing addiction for Sebastian. He’s still the same moody asshole he was at the beginning of the school year—hot one minute and cold the next—but this volatile obsession inside me has morphed into something else now. I’m chemically dependent. Jonesing for every secret look or touch. Nothing in my brain feels right until he gives me my next fix. Enjoying him in moderation is never enough. I’m only content when he lets me overdose, and he’s a lousy enabler.
This nuclear love affair doesn’t get any easier with time. As my feelings deepen, so do my fears. I was so cocky in the beginning, priding myself on my resilience. I swore that I would do whatever it took to prove my loyalty to him, but Sebastian has taken that point literally. He still pushes me away every chance he gets, and I’m still here, battered and hanging onto my sanity by a thread. Because even when he’s cruel, he’s still mine. Or at least, that’s what I want to believe.
Sebastian is always quick to remind me this isn’t a relationship. He tells me once I graduate, our time will come to an end. Yet even as he makes those threats, he’s contradicting himself with demands to know where I am and if I’m safe at all times. It’s the dying flicker of hope I cling to. As long as he’s worried about me, he isn’t abandoning me.
While I’m certain Freud could have a field day with our relationship, I’m too emotionally taxed to consider the dysfunctionality. After all, my parents didn’t set the best example, and I haven’t a clue what’s actually good for me.
After weeks of searching for my father, I’ve all but given up hope. I haven’t heard a peep from Lila, and I don’t expect to, so when she shows up at my dorm on a Friday evening, I get the shock of my life.
“What are you doing here?” I stare at the woman I almost don’t recognize. She’s gained some weight, and the circles under her eyes are too dark to hide even with the best concealer.
“We need to talk.” She barges in. “Let me take you out to dinner.”
“Mom, it’s nine o’ clock.” I stare at her like she’s from another planet. “I ate three hours ago.”
“Fine.” She glances around the space as if it’s beneath her, but it will have to do. “Then we’ll talk here.”
After shutting my door and taking a seat at my desk, she examines me from head to toe, her nose turning up in disapproval over my red tartan skirt and fishnets.
“I told you to throw out those tights,” she says. “They make you look like a common whore.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I roll my eyes. “Missed you too. So nice to see you. How have I been? Oh, just great, thanks for asking.”
“Stella.” Her eyes cut into me. “Are you having an affair with your teacher?”
“What?” My face blanches, and I have the sudden urge to vomit. “Why the hell would you ask me that?”
“Because he came to my apartment looking for you.”
“He did?”
My mind drifts back to the night Sebastian followed me into the city. It’s the only time he would have gone looking for me there, and oddly enough, he failed to mention that he spoke with my mother.
“Yes, Stella, he did,” she replies sourly. “And I’ve been doing some investigating on this man.”
“Why?” A flush crawls over my throat, and I’m terrified that she can see the lies all over my face.
“If he’s been carrying on an affair with you, you need to tell me right now.”
“He isn’t,” I deny. “Stop saying affair like that. Why don’t you focus on your own life with Luis instead of coming here to sling accusations at me?”
“Did you know that your teacher is the majority shareholder for Carter Holdings?” She arches an eyebrow as if this is the most important news in the world.
“So?” I swallow. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“He’s wealthy and powerful,” she answers. “And you know how those men are. If they think they can get away with something, they will. So if he’s done something with you, sweetie, you need to tell me so we can make it right.”
Suddenly, the pieces start to fall together. And when I look at my mother, plotting how she can singlehandedly destroy Sebastian’s career while she steals his money, I’ve never been more disgusted with her in my life. I always knew that she never truly cared about me. I was just someone to dress up and use as one of the stage actors in her life. But to come here and drag me into this scheme of hers under the guise of caring about me is a whole new level of sick.
I walk to the door and open it for her. “I want you to leave.”
“What?” She blinks at me.
“You heard me. It’s time to go. And please don’t ever show your face here again. You and I are done.”
“Who do you think you are speaking to me that way?” she demands.
“Well, I’m certainly not your daughter,” I answer bitterly. “Because it’s obvious the only trait we share is DNA.”
“I don’t need you,” she threatens as she heads for the door. “There are other ways to find out, you know.”
“Just leave me alone,” I tell her. “Leave me alone and don’t ever come back.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
STELLA
“DO you want to hang out tonight?” Sybil tosses a gummy bear into her mouth and then does a ballet trick in the middle of the quad.
“What about Micah?” I ask. “I was beginning to think you two were permanently attached at the hip.”
“Ha-ha.” She pokes her tongue out. “Micah has a thing with his parents this weekend. I want to party.”
“As appealing as that sounds, I think I’ll have to pass,” I say.
“C’mon,” she begs. “We haven’t done something fun in ages.”
“Something fun is an entirely different concept than sneaking into the boys’ dorms to get drunk on cheap liquor while they try to molest you.”
“Ugh, when you say it like that, it does sound lame,” she agrees. “What about your secret lover? Why aren’t you over at his place getting your jollies off?”
“He’s busy.” I deflect the question and check my phone for the hundredth time. Sebastian read my texts over two hours ago, and he still hasn’t bothered to reply. I’m trying not to overthink it, but the same thought keeps playing on repeat in my head.
He’s abandoning you, just like everyone else.
“What is he busy doing exactly?” Sybil pries. “Or should I say who?”
I flinch at her question, shaking my head on autopilot. “He isn’t sleeping with anyone else.”
“How do you know that for sure?” she presses.
“Why would you say that?” I narrow my eyes in her direction, and Sybil flops back onto the grass with a dramatic sigh.
“Ugh, I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s just that men are dogs, and you can’t trust them.”
“Did Micah do something?” I ask.
“He told me he was going home for the weekend.” She squints up at the stars. “But I saw him sneaking off campus with Bethany Lind.”
“No way.” My lips pinch together. “Why would he do that to you?”
“Because that’s what guys do, Stella,” she answers as though it should be obvious. “Look at our parents. Your mom was having an affair with Luis. Who knows what your dad was doing. And I’m pretty sure my dad’s banging his secretary. So, if you ever wonder what Mr. Carter is doing on the weekends when he’s not with you, I’m just saying, don’t be surprised if you catch him dogging around too.”
Her words cut right through the last thread of my sanity as I check my phone again and type out yet another message. I’m aware that I’m starting to sound needy, but that’s because I am. Sebastian should know this by now.
“He isn’t texting you back, is he?” Sybil asks quietly.
“What?”
“You’ve been staring at that stupid phone all night. If you want to know what he’s up to, then let’s just go see.”
“You mean like… spy on him?”
“Duh.” She leans up on her elbow and studies me. “Besides, it will give us something to do.”
I want to say no, but for some reason, I find myself stumbling to my feet as Sybil hops up too. Even though this seems like the dumbest idea ever, I also want to prove to Sybil and myself that Sebastian isn’t like her boyfriends. He wouldn’t do that. But it occurs to me as we trample across the quad that Sebastian isn’t my boyfriend. I don’t know what we are, but he would never allow me to grace him with such a title.
Sybil and I sneak across campus and into the thicket of trees surrounding his house. Already, I’m making silent bets on what we’ll find. Sebastian grading papers. Sebastian drinking Japanese whisky. Sebastian getting ready to go for a long run or watching a soccer game. These are all viable options. What I don’t expect to find when we peek inside his window is Sebastian sitting at the kitchen table with a beautiful brunette.
“What the actual fuck?” Sybil hisses beside me. “I didn’t really think he’d be with anyone, Stella. I’m so sorry. This was a stupid idea. We should go.”
But I can’t go. I can’t move, and I can’t look away. The interloper glances at Sebastian with an expression of warmth and familiarity. She knows him well, and she looks like she’s close to his age. Suddenly, she tosses her head back in laughter as if he’s said something funny, but Sebastian never jokes, and I don’t get it. As if that weren’t bad enough, her arm brushes against his, and he doesn’t even move.
I want to rip her throat out. I want to cry. And worst of all, I want to beat myself up for allowing my stupid heart to catch feelings.
“It just looks like they’re having a conversation,” Sybil says, trying her best to make me feel better. “Maybe she’s an old friend.”
“Maybe.” I swallow, but it doesn’t feel true.
For five minutes, we watch them talk, and what hurts the most is knowing that I reached out to him. I texted him, and he saw my messages, and he chose to ignore them because he’s with her.
“We should go,” Sybil urges again. “You can ask him about it later.”
“You can go,” I tell her. “I don’t want to.”
“Stella,” she pleads. “Don’t do this to yourself. If anything goes down with her tonight, then he’s a dog for real, and you don’t need to see it. Please don’t overthink this.”
It’s too late for that. I’m already overthinking it.
“What the hell are you two doing?”
My head snaps up at the shrill sound of Louisa’s voice, and the better question is, what the hell is she doing here?
“Are you following us?” Sybil hisses. “Seriously?”
“Why are you spying on Mr. Carter’s house?” Louisa cocks her head to the side like she already knows, but she wants to toy with me.
I’m too numb to think of a clever response, and I know this is bad. Really, really bad.
“We were going to break in and steal his whisky,” Sybil offers smoothly. “But it looks like he’s home, so there’s no point.”
“You could just buy whiskey from Charles,” Louisa challenges. “Why would you go to all the trouble of coming up here?”
“Why would you go to all the trouble of following us?” Sybil bites back.
“Because I saw you two creeping around, and I wanted to see what you were up to. Obviously, it’s nothing good.”
“Well, you would know.” I finally find my voice.
“We were just leaving.” Sybil grabs my arm and tugs me away from the window. “Just in case you’d care to follow us over to the boys’ dorms, that’s where we’ll be.”
Louisa eyes Mr. Carter’s house and then turns on her heel, stomping off in the direction she came from as Sybil drags me down the hill. Numbly, I follow her down to the border wall, and she pulls me aside with a panicked expression on her face.
“Holy shit. Do you think she knows?”
“I don’t know.” I bite my lip. “She seems like she knows something. If not, she definitely suspects.”
“This is crazy.” Her eyes bulge, and her fear only manages to inflame mine. “If the academy finds out, Mr. Carter could lose his job, like for real. His career would be over. And then… I don’t know. They might kick you out too. That can’t happen.”
“I know.” I pace back and forth as I consider the worst-case scenario, but even as I’m trying to be rational, I’m thinking about the mystery brunette. Logically, I understand that my house of cards is teetering dangerously right now. Sebastian could lose everything because of me. And I could lose the only home I have.
But is he with her right now?
The thought echoes in my mind, and I wish I could forget I ever saw them tonight.
“I think my mom knows too,” I blurt. “She came here and vaguely threatened his job. She wants his money.”
“Oh my God.” Sybil looks disgusted on my behalf. “What the hell?”
I fall quiet, trying to make sense of the jumbled-up thoughts in my head, but I can’t.
“Hey.” Sybil pokes my arm and offers me a soft smile. “I have an idea. Why don’t we get out of here this weekend? We can go check into a hotel room and have a spa day. I have my dad’s credit card.”
Normally, I would never even consider doing something so luxurious that I can’t pay for. But right now, I can’t think of anything else to save me from this black hole.
OUR WEEKEND SPA date turned into a chocolate and Netflix binging session, and by the time we return to campus on Monday morning, I feel five pounds heavier but a whole lot lighter too. After talking things through with Sybil, I’ve come to the decision that I need to avoid Sebastian until things calm down. And maybe, realistically, I just need to avoid him altogether.
