Mad 'Cause She Ain't You, page 13
I sucked my teeth. I would have hated to know that Dara was going with my man and her kid to the circus and I wasn’t. I didn’t give a shit if Chasity was her daughter or not.
“Did you want me to make you something to eat before you go?” I asked, trying to stall him.
Tate threw his jacket on. “No, sweetheart, I’m good. I gotta run home and get these tickets, pick up Chasity, and meet up with my dudes near the entrance of Roy Wilkins Park in Queens at twelve.” He kissed me again. “Aren’t you going to Miss Renee’s house today?”
I fell back onto the bed. “Don’t remind me! Payne is gonna be all the way turned up today and my mother is gonna drive me up the wall with all her nagging and talking over everybody.”
Tate laughed. He thought that Payne was hilarious and he adored my mother. Truthfully speaking, he probably liked my family more than I did.
“Well, go over there and try to have a good day with Mom Dukes and your family. Tell Miss Renee that I said hello and don’t forget to bring me home a plate.”
I would have loved for Tate to come with me but I knew that his rug rat came first. Damn, that little girl was such a distraction.
“Anyway, I’m out. It’s a little after ten and I have to be on the Belt Parkway before eleven. You know that the Sunday traffic is crazy.”
I got up from the bed to see Tate to the door. Before he walked out, we shared yet another kiss. I loved those tender moments between us. I stood by the window and watched as Tate climbed into his truck and pulled off. Once he was gone, my insecurities began kicking in. Every time Tate did something with Chasity, I felt that way.
I still was up in arms as to how I was going to prove that Chasity was not my man’s child. I had mentioned it to Mercuri but that was going to be the last time she heard anything like that from me until I found out the truth. No need to continuously make a fool of myself and I wasn’t doing shit about it. I had a few ideas in mind as to what and how I was going to do it but I just had to play a different role when it came to Chasity in order to get it done. I was sure that Tate would be more than surprised and happy with my newfound attitude, which was exactly how I needed him to be.
I prepared myself a light breakfast with a cup of coffee. Then I proceeded to get dressed for a day at my mother’s. After I took a nice, hot shower and moisturized my body, I squeezed my big butt into a pair of designer jeans, applied a light touch of makeup, and flat-ironed my hair.
It was one o’clock in the afternoon when I began my excursion to my mother’s house in Queens from my East New York apartment. I had to say me a prayer as soon as I slid my behind in the driver’s seat of my Toyota Camry. Lord knows I needed every ounce of my strength to deal with my dysfunctional family.
My mother still lived in Hollis, Queens, in the very same house that my brother and I had grown up in. It was a quaint home, just big enough for the three people who lived in it. As a little girl, I used to love being in my powder pink–colored bedroom with my canopy bed, all white furniture and vanity mirror, pretending that I was a fairy princess. Even then, I used to dream of some Prince Charming sweeping me off my feet.
Then there were the fond memories of my maternal grandparents. They were both deceased but we used to look forward to them coming to visit and staying with us for weeks at a time. They used to take care of me and Payne while my mother worked her regular job and then her weekend job at a local bar. Those were some of my happiest memories.
While driving on the Belt Parkway, I thought about my old block buddies. The friends I use to play hopscotch, skelly, and double Dutch with were now grown, married with children, and long gone from the neighborhood. It was funny how I had neither. Of course, this bothered me. But my day was coming. At least, I hoped my day was coming.
It was almost 2:30 in the afternoon when I pulled up in front of my mother’s house. Cars were already lined up in the driveway, which meant that everyone was there, everyone except me. I rolled my eyes as I walked by my brother’s brand-new Porsche Cayenne. I swear he was such a show-off.
I rang the bell and my niece, Rayni, opened the door. She was about an inch taller than my five feet four inches, and was absolutely adorable. She looked like a prettier version of her father.
I hugged her tightly. “Hey, baby!” I greeted her with a smile and almost lifted her off her feet. “You look so cute! I love the hair,” I said, admiring her long weave. “A little grownish but it’s very nice.”
Rayni blushed. “Auntie,” she began, leaning her weight on me. “I’m seventeen years old and a senior in high school, you know! This is how most of the girls are wearing their hair now.”
I kissed her on the cheek. “Yes, you are a senior and seventeen years old now. You’re growing up so fast, I swear.”
We both walked into the living room together. All of the people who were supposed to be there were obviously sitting around and waiting for me. Auntie Gina walked over to me first and gave me a wonderful hug. Out of my mother’s three brothers and two sisters, Auntie Gina was our favorite aunt. She and my mother were extremely close, too.
“Hey, baby,” she said. “You look great! How are you, Niecey?” she asked, calling me by the pet name she had for me.
“I feel good, Auntie,” I said. I looked at Auntie Gina from head to toe. “You look like you lost some weight, too.”
Auntie Gina blushed and waved me off. “I did lose some weight!” she said, posing for me. “I’m having lots of sex, baby,” she whispered. I laughed at her. She took my hand and led me over to the couch where her male friend was sitting. He was a nice-looking man, very handsome and distinguished looking with salt-and-pepper hair. Auntie Gina introduced him to me and he stood up to shake my hand.
“Hello, Joi, I’m Harold,” he said. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
“I hope some good things,” I said.
We all laughed. “Nothing but!” he replied.
Suddenly, my mother and Payne, her daughter/son and my brother/sister, sashayed into the living room wearing matching aprons. They had just set the table in the dining room. My mother smiled when she saw me. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and Payne just waved at me from afar.
“Oh, Joi, I’m so glad you’re here,” my mother said. Then she looked at my outfit and stopped in her tracks. “I thought you were going to wear something a little dressier than that, though,” she added, giving me a disapproving stare. She was definitely showing off for Auntie Gina’s man. “Payne decided to get dressed up for the occasion!”
I grunted. Why was there always the fucking comparison between me and Payne? And what occasion? I had to admit that Payne was looking extra dapper in a pair of tweed slacks, an argyle sweater vest, and a bow-tie but that was him. He always overdid it.
“You look wonderful, Niecey. I love what you’re wearing!” Auntie Gina said, knowing what time it was. She gave my mother the evil eye. Of course, my mother didn’t catch her sister giving her the look.
“Yeah, you look fly, Auntie,” Rayni whispered. “Grandma is just hating on you.”
My niece and I shared a laugh with each other. “Well, dinner’s ready everyone!” my mother announced.
We all scurried to the dining room. Dinner was on the table and everything was looking absolutely scrumptious. My mother prepared a fried turkey, macaroni and cheese, and fresh collard greens with smoked turkey. Then there were her famous candied yams with marshmallows, along with her cornbread stuffing and some gravy on the side, too. Cooking was definitely my mother’s specialty.
Now if she could just work on getting and keeping a man.
Everyone took a seat at the large dining table. Rayni and I sat on one side, Auntie Gina and Harold sat on the other. Payne and Mommy, the two queens, were sitting at both ends of the table.
Then, as usual, it was time for the Payne show. He cleared his throat. “Before we bless this food, I just would like to say how happy I am to be around my wonderful family. I want to say gracias to my wonderful madre, Miss Renee Campbell, for taking the time to prepare this fabulous meal for all of us. And much love to my beautiful baby girl, Madame Rayni Campbell, who is going to be graduating from high school this June and attending Clark-Atlanta University—”
Rayni cut him off. “And don’t forget that I want you to style me for my prom, Daddy!”
Everyone laughed at that comment, except me.
Payne’s hands fluttered in the air. “Why, of course, my darling,” Payne replied, emphasizing the word “darling.” “You know that Daddy is going to laaaace his baby girl!”
He continued, “I would definitely like to give thanks to my Auntie Gina, who is the kee kee queen of the family! She is where I get my amazing sense of humor from!” Then Payne looked at my mother. “Sorry, Mother Renee!” he said, suggesting that my mother had no sense of humor at all. That much was true.
Everyone laughed, including me. “I also want to give a shout out to Mister Harold, the man who is responsible for putting that extraordinary smile on my auntie’s face!” He looked at Auntie Gina and winked. “You go, girl!”
My aunt waved him off. “You are so crazy, nephew!” Auntie Gina replied.
“And last, but certainly not least, my baby sister, Joi, has come out of her cave today.” He yawned and began slowly clapping. “Yippety doo dah.” They all began cracking up again. I wanted to laugh but I composed myself. Payne was such a jerk-off.
“Anyway, may we bless the food now?” he said.
I flipped him the finger and Payne stuck out his tongue at me, all while my mother blessed the food. After the grace was done, we said amen and dug in.
While eating dinner, my family and I talked about the old days, like when my grandparents were still alive. Even my niece shared a few fond memories about her childhood. And a day at my mother’s house would not be the same without Payne talking about his occupation, what celebrities he met, and what industry parties that he attended. After we finished eating, we all retreated to the living room, with full bellies.
Back in the living room, Payne, Mr. Attention Whore himself put on some old school music and began singing, like he was auditioning for American Idol. Surprisingly enough, we didn’t have one argument during dinner but now it was just too much for me to bear. Harold looked uncomfortable, Auntie Gina seemed annoyed, and my mother was smiling from ear to ear. Me and Rayni opted to retire upstairs to my old bedroom and let her father have the floor.
Back in my old bedroom, I felt a sense of comfort. I wanted to go back to being Mommy’s little girl and my dreams of being married to my Prince Charming. Those dreams were what kept a smile on my face. Now I spent a lot of my time angry and uptight with Tate, Dara, my brother, and my mother—I was letting these people sap all the energy out of me.
I lay across the bed and Rayni lay down next to me. She grabbed a pillow and propped her head on it.
“I know that my dad and Grandma get on your nerves, Auntie,” she said.
From the mouth of babes. “And I thought it was just me,” I said, shaking my head.
“Nope. It ain’t just you. I notice everything. Did you see Mr. Harold’s face when Daddy started singing?” We both began laughing. “I don’t think he was ready for my dad’s dramatics!”
“No, he wasn’t! But I blame your grandmother for not telling Payne to sit his butt down. She entertains that stuff. Okay, I understand that you’re a gay man but I feel that there is a time and a place for everything. Meeting your favorite aunt’s man for the first time is not the time to be acting out. Unfortunately, not everyone is cool with that lifestyle.”
“Are you cool with it?” Rayni asked, with an innocent look on her face.
Because Payne was her father, I was unsure of how to answer that question. I didn’t have a problem with someone living an alternative lifestyle. It’s just that Payne’s choices had always put my mother and me in a position to have to defend him. This was a never-ending battle for us because of the rampant homophobia, especially in the African American community. Payne always had effeminate characteristics when he was a boy, and growing up he was teased because of it and so was I. I was also the one who fought his battles, yet my mother always scolded me for fighting. The only thing that I was doing was protecting my brother and his honor—I couldn’t win. This was why Payne’s homosexuality had always been a major issue in our family, especially to me.
I always felt that I was robbed of a normal childhood and healthy relationship with my mother because she was always so focused on Payne’s well-being. This led me to have to fend for myself and this entire situation had made me bitter and resentful.
“Just put it like this, Rayni Poo: I love your daddy. Whatever choices that he made in life, I can’t do anything but respect those choices.”
Rayni shook her head. “I never told anyone this but it’s so hard having an openly gay father.”
“I know it is.”
“Do you know how many fights I had over this?” she said, sounding as if she was reliving my past. “Do you know how many friends I lost because their parents didn’t agree with this gay stuff, and how many boys and girls think that I’m gay or bisexual because of my dad?”
That was the first time my niece told me how she felt about her father. It was painfully obvious that she had these feelings bottled up for a long time.
“I love my father, I really do, but he has to know that not everyone agrees with the way he lives, what he represents, you know what I’m saying? I worry about him, sometimes, especially when you hear about the biased sex crimes being committed against gay men and women and the HIV cases—I don’t want to lose my dad.”
I put my arm around Rayni. I could tell that my brother’s situation had had a serious effect on my niece as well, like I knew it would. I would have loved to talk to Payne about it but talking to him was like beating a dead horse. Besides, Rayni was only my niece. She was his daughter. That was a line that I didn’t dare cross.
“Look, Rayni Poo, I know that it’s not easy dealing with your dad but there’s nothing you or I or even he can do to change it. Why don’t you try to talk to him about toning things down?”
“I did!” she replied. “I asked him if he could stop acting so flamboyant when we’re out together and he said that no one is going to stop him from being who he is, not even his own daughter. He said that he’s the father, I’m the child, and that he’s effing gay and everyone just needs to get over him already.”
I frowned. “Really? He said that to you?” I asked, getting upset at the thought of Payne brushing his only child’s feelings under the table. Not cool. No one was telling him to turn into a straight man; she just wanted him to stop with all the extras.
Rayni sighed. “Yes, my dad said that to me. So now, I don’t say a thing about it. I just wonder what my future holds for me and him. Does he even stop to think about how I feel? I love him but what if I get married and my husband says that he doesn’t want our children around their grandfather because he is a gay man? I always think about stuff like that.”
I kissed Rayni on the cheek. “Honey, you have too much to accomplish in life to worry about your father and his life. As far as some children and a husband are concerned, you will cross that bridge when you get to it. But for now, just do what you have to do for Rayni. Live your own life, stick with the positive, and God will see you through the rest.”
Rayni hugged me. “Thank you, Auntie.” She looked at me. “You know that I love you, right?” she said.
“Yes, I do and I love you too, Rayni Poo.”
Rayni propped her head on one arm. “By the way, when are you getting married and having some kids of your own? Tell Uncle Tate that I need some little cousins to spoil!”
I shrugged my shoulders. I didn’t even know the answer to that question.
Suddenly, a knock on the door interrupted our moment.
“Come in,” I said.
It was my mother. She walked into the room with a slice of her sweet potato pie in her hand. Damn, I loved that pie.
“Where’s my slice, Grandma?” Rayni asked.
My mother pointed to the door. “Downstairs, baby. I need to talk to your auntie for a moment,” my mother replied, handing the pie to me. I sat up on the bed and Rayni walked out of the room, closing the door behind her.
“So how are you feeling these days, Joi?” asked my mother as she watched me dig into her delicious pie.
“Fine, Ma. Just fine.” My mother and I didn’t have much dialogue so I was unsure of how to react to her sudden interest in me.
“I’m so glad that you took the time out to come over today, baby. I really am.”
I took a good look at my mother. She was only fifty-five years old but I could see the crow’s feet forming around her eyes. Aside from that, she had the body of a thirty-year-old and she was a good-looking woman. What was crazy was that the only men I remember her being with were this man named Paul, who had since moved on, and my father, who I had no contact with. Looking at her made me think that if I didn’t get my shit together soon, I was going to end up just like her—manless.
“I just wanted to take this time out to have a heart-to-heart talk with you, Joi. I know that we don’t always get along but I wanted to let you know that I love you. I want to make amends with you.”
I was taken aback by what my mother was saying. And no, we weren’t ever that close to each other because she had always made Payne a bigger priority than me.
Although we had guests, I figured that my mother was most likely seizing the moment to talk to me. I didn’t come over that often so I guessed there was never really a right time for us to chat. Now I guessed that it was a better time than any for the both of us to bury the hatchet and iron out the issues that we had with each other.
“Can I ask you something, Ma?” I asked. She nodded her head. “Did you always love Payne more than you loved me?” I blurted out.
My mother shook her head. “That’s absolutely ridiculous, Joi! I love you and Payne equally! You and your brother mean the world to me.”
“So why does it seem like you and Payne are always ganging up on me?”
