Invictus, page 10
I’ve changed the tapping rhythm against the cup to match that of the blinking light and I smile.
“I understand.”
“Good,” he says, getting to his feet. “I’ll give you guys twenty minutes and then I have to separate you again.”
I turn my eyes up to him and nod. Twenty minutes will be more than enough time for me to decide if I want to ruin all of our lives or just save mine.
The door opens and closes as Spaulding walks out and I lean back against the cold, hard steel back of the chair letting my eyes wander back toward the camera again. I can’t help but wonder if that blinking red light already knows my secret and if it’s worth telling to August anymore.
“Hey, kid.”
I jump, not realizing that the door had opened and closed again and that Auggie had entered the room.
“Hey,” I reply, blinking back tears. I quickly let go of the cup and walk around the table to hug my brother. Sometimes the safest place to hide is in the embrace of a hidden monster.
“You doing okay?” he asks, tapping my back a few times before letting me go and sitting down.
“Yeah,” I say, using the back of my hand to wipe away the tears. I quickly retrieve the chair from where I left it on the other side of the table and sit next to Auggie. He turns his chair to face me and waits quietly. He knows that I have the weight of the world on my chest and he’s more than willing to shift the pain to himself so that I don’t feel so crushed anymore.
That’s just what big brothers do.
I clear my throat and glance up at the ever-present blinking red light before I purse my lips and look down at my hands for a second.
“You know they’re watching us, right?” I ask quietly.
“I assumed so, yes,” he replies in his studious tone of voice.
“Okay,” I start, running my hands back through my hair, “okay, so I can’t exactly tell you what I want to say. I’ve been thinking about it, you know? And twenty minutes is a long time to say the wrong thing and I…I can’t do that to you, Aug. I love you man; you’re my brother and the only person that gives a shit about me. I just…I just wanted to tell you that if it keeps you safe you can turn me in for whatever happened. I’ll take the heat for it. I don’t give a shit anymore.”
August lets out a sigh and pulls his glasses from his face, using the bottom of his shirt to wipe them clean.
“There’s nothing to take heat for, Robbie. This entire thing is a massive misunderstanding and once the detectives and police have done their work, they’ll realize that neither of us had anything to do with that crime scene and we’ll be able to go back to our normal lives,” he finishes, placing his glasses back onto his face and pushing them up the bridge of his nose. A smile starts to curl the corners of his mouth as he pats me on the shoulder reassuringly.
“Sticks and bricks,” I say softly, looking back down at my hands.
“What?” he asks curiously.
“Sticks and bricks, it’s how I paid for that hooker in Singapore.”
August quickly shoots a glance over his shoulder at the camera and grips my knee with his hand.
“We’ll talk about that later,” he says meaningfully.
“It’s insane, isn’t it? That the price of a fuck—a human life—was nothing more than sticks and bricks?” I ask looking up at him as fresh tears fall down my face.
“Do you want to walk out of here with me?” he asks in a quiet, almost threatening tone.
“I wanna walk everywhere with you. You’re my big brother,” I reply, choking back a sob.
“Then stop talking,” he hisses as the doorknob begins to turn.
Detectives Spaulding and Dipshit are standing in the doorway watching us curiously. One has his arms crossed over his chest and the other has his hands in his pockets, but it’s Dipshit that ends up giving us the good news.
“You guys are free to go.”
I look up at the blinking red light one more time as Auggie pulls me to my feet and I smile. Maybe some secrets just aren’t meant to be kept.
Robbie bursts through the doors of the police station and narrowly avoids plowing into a stooped elderly woman with a cane. He briskly sidesteps her as if she were a fire hydrant with a casual toss of his unruffled hair. The moment he spots me waiting beside the town car, he stops mid-step.
My umbrella deflects the afternoon showers, but with August taking bloodshed off the table I’m defenseless against Robbie’s accusatory glare.
Un-fucking-believable.
I should have let him rot.
“Whatever,” I mumble and climb into the passenger seat beside Sandeep, the car service driver. His dark eyelashes flutter, as if stunned that I’m riding shotgun. It’s probably illegal to have vagina in the front seat in his country or some such shit.
When I shut the door and fasten my seatbelt, he fidgets. I glance out the window and August has joined Robbie, trailing after him in our direction. Just as Robbie opens the door, Sandeep speaks.
“You are very beautiful.” His halting accent erases any trace of game he might possess. Embarrassed for him, I turn away as an eye roll overtakes me.
“Adorable, isn’t she?” I turn to see Robbie leaning forward between our seats. He’s evidently heard the foreigner’s compliment, and he reaches out to pinch my cheek, as if I’m a toddler who’s just said the darndest thing.
I glare reproachfully at him and he winks, his long lashes boyish and deceptively innocent. My door swings open and August reaches across me, unfastening my seatbelt, and offers me his hand.
“What—” I begin, but he’s already pulling me out of the car. He yanks open the back door and ushers me into the back seat. Robbie’s demonstrative grin evaporates.
August shuts the door and rattles off his home address to Sandeep. Brushing my hair off of my shoulder, he makes a show of kissing me.
Audience or not, he’s got a skilled tongue, and I’m breathless when he pulls away, trailing his thumb down my cheek.
“Your tip doubles if you stop by a liquor store along the way.”
Robbie cocks an eyebrow at August. “Seriously?”
August’s eyes never leave mine. “She likes her martinis sullied with olive juice just like you do.”
“How did you—” I stop myself from finishing the question, flushing deeply.
He’s a stalker, Tash. And a skilled killer. He knows more about you than you do. Remember that shit.
August trails an intimate finger down the back of my neck, and it makes my blood curdle. “I know everything.”
Robbie snorts and he pops an unlit cigarette between his lips. “I doubt that.”
He crumples his empty cigarette pack and tosses it carelessly on the floor at my feet. August’s head swivels toward his brother.
“You…doubt me?” August squints at his brother, wearing an expression I’ve never seen on him before. I whip my head in Robbie’s direction, feeling like a spectator at Wimbledon.
Robbie pauses with an unlit cigarette halfway to his mouth.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s what you said, though.” August tilts his head, analyzing his younger sibling. “After everything we’ve—”
“Auggie…”
August locks eyes with Robbie. “Did you enjoy your time in the zoo?”
“What?”
“Did you like being caged? Domesticated?” August enunciates every syllable.
Robbie seems stumped and says nothing in response.
“Personally, I missed my bed,” August volunteers, his eyes dropping to mine. “And everything that goes along with it.”
My position sandwiched between them is oddly intimate and incredibly awkward. I press myself back against the plush leather headrest and stare longingly at my abandoned spot in the front seat.
“Aren’t you going to apologize?” August asks, his calm and gentle voice disturbing. I look up at him, but he’s only got eyes for Robbie right now.
“For what?” Robbie says with the all the angst of a newbie in juvey.
“For going out of your way to get into trouble and dragging me down with you.”
Robbie looks genuinely contrite. “I’m sorry, Auggie.”
“For…” August probes, as if Robbie’s a contrary child and this is an age-old battle.
Robbie’s eyes drop to his shoes. “For losing control.”
The rain sounds like a drum roll on the roof of the car and Sandeep turns up the radio in an obvious attempt to give us privacy. Mariah Carey is wailing about having hallucinations of love or some shit and I’m tempted to rip off my ears to spare myself the horror.
“You owe Atasha an apology as well.”
Robbie’s incredulous scowl indicates Auggie’s suggestion wasn’t well received. “For what?”
“For implicating her in a crime for your own amusement.”
“Aug—”
Sandeep whips into the liquor store parking lot and breaks hard, whipping my head against the seat behind me. August hands him a one-hundred-dollar bill, listing off his purchase requests.
“Keep the change.”
Sandeep grins and nods wildly, hurrying out into the downpour. The slamming door echoes, and the only sound in the car is the Grant brothers breathing in stereo, accompanied by the percussive beat of the rain.
August turns to face off with his brother. “Say the words, Trent.”
“You sound just like Dad.” Robbie snickers, turning his eyes on me. “I’m not sorry. And I still want to know why she’s even here.”
“Someone had to bail your ungrateful ass out,” I snap.
“I mean why are you around in the first place? Jesus Christ. You really are stupid. Where the hell were you when you found this one, Auggie?”
“Who do you think you’re talking to?” August snaps, and I practically have to pull on his shirt to keep him from jumping onto Robbie. His demeanor transforms, and Robbie flinches away, green eyes wide with surprise and fear. “I’ve always taken care of you…cleaned up after you. I want her here. That should be enough. We need her here. Why can’t you give me this one thing?”
Robbie frowns. “Why?”
August relaxes back in his seat, pulling me back against him with one arm around my chest. “Why do any of us want what we want?”
I can tell by his childlike surprise that Robbie’s astonished. Quite frankly, so am I. His mossy gaze drops to me, and he appears to reassess every centimeter of my being.
When August speaks again, he sounds calm, but disappointed. “I thought you were on my side, Robbie.”
“I am.” Robbie’s eyes brim with tears, and if he were anyone else, I might actually feel sorry for him. My skin crawls at the way August manipulates Robbie, and I wonder if he’s playing me as expertly. “Always.”
“It doesn’t feel like that right now.” August is unblinking behind his titanium frames. “How are we supposed to trust you with our secrets when you turn on us like this?”
“Our secrets?” I huff, causing August’s icy stare to shift in my direction. “Why don’t you tell Robbie and me about the pet in your basement. Or is that secret just for you?”
August’s eyes widen before he can mask it. Robbie’s trembling like a cornered animal. August releases his grip on me, but he continues to stroke my hair, like I’m a prized Siamese. He’s steady as a rock behind me now, the calm to Robbie’s tempest. Robbie’s wearing his inner war on his sleeve, and it’s a terrifying sight. Mind racing, I contemplate a series of fast and dirty ways to get out of the car.
“She was supposed to be a surprise…one I have every intention of sharing,” he says, and turns back to his unstable sibling. “Atasha’s side is my side, kid. Tell her you’re sorry. There’s so much we have to discuss…so much you need to know.” August’s complete confidence in my loyalty is overwhelming and maddening and I feel like I’m going to hyperventilate.
“Let me out.” They both turn to look at me as if they’ve forgotten I can speak.
“Tash—”August starts, but I’ve got the floor now and neither of them is shutting me down.
“Now, August.”
August doesn’t move. “We’re not done here.”
Just then, Sandeep opens the driver’s side door, fumbling with the bag of martini accoutrements. I lunge forward, slipping between the front seats, banging my left thigh on the driver’s seat hard enough I know I’ll sport a giant bruise. I feel a hand grab at my ankle and another snag the back of my hair, but I kick and thrash, ripping myself away, by working the element of surprise.
I throw open the passenger door, and the murky sky is nearly dark as night. Rain is coming down in sheets, ricocheting off of the charcoal asphalt and pelting me with shrapnel. I turn to look back at the stunned brothers, and pulling the cash wad out of my bra, I hurl it in their direction. “I’m not on anyone’s side but my own.”
I bolt out of the car and into the storm, not slowing when I hear August chasing after me and calling my name.
I came back to the apartment on foot. I didn’t want to take the driver from Auggie and Atasha, but there was another reason I wanted to get back before them. My brother went on his hundred-yard dash to catch the damsel in distress leaving me with something she said planted firmly in my mind.
And that’s how it always starts. A simple phrase or word that catches in my brain and stays there pulling at me until I let my curiosity get the best of me. I get into places I don’t belong and I ask for things that I have no right requesting, but shit always goes the way I want it to in the end.
This is different. There’s something that Atasha knows that I don’t. Tell Robbie about the pet in your basement, she said and the closer I stand to this door, the more I realize that I’m encroaching on Auggie’s secrets and hidden lies, and if he catches me, I’ll lose him. Probably forever this time, but I have to know what he does. I have to see the way he sees and goddammit I need to feel what he does. It’s the only way I know I’ll become whole enough again to be able to leave.
I don’t want to do any damage and I don’t want to unearth any Holy Grail—I just want to know what he’s hiding so carefully and why he thinks I shouldn’t be allowed to see.
It’s bizarre knowing that I’ve been forbidden from looking behind this door and as I run a hand down the cool steel, I can feel myself getting hard. There’s something perfectly fucked up behind this door and he wants to keep it for himself.
My hand slowly grips the door handle and I close my eyes as I begin to turn the knob. With a quiet grunt, I lean my forehead against the door and turn the knob in the other direction and then let it go, slapping the door angrily.
Opening my eyes, I run my hands back through my hair, then irritably over my face when I realize that August has the fucking door locked.
“Motherfucker,” I mutter as I turn and walk back toward the living room. “Sneaky, sneaky bastard.”
I crack my neck and try to keep my thoughts under control. There are a million things that could be behind that fucking door and whatever it happens to be is something of fucking value to him. But it doesn’t have any financial value or he would have let me see it.
So what the fuck is it then?
The living room is dark and cool—the only light coming in is the lone street light that’s shining in and I walk over to the window and sit on the sill. If it can’t be bought, it has to at least be worth something in trade. August doesn’t waste his time with mundane everyday bullshit like I do.
Too many secrets.
I pull my left leg up and hug it against me as I slowly start to rock back and forth. I should be careful—being perched this high up and feeling myself spiral could lead to me falling down to the pavement below, but would anyone care?
August obviously seems to have other shit to take care of that’s more important than helping me, and that Atasha girl keeps flashing her pussy at me when she thinks he’s not looking. There’s a treasure hidden behind a locked door and the only thing that’s keeping me from breaking it down and discovering it is that it’s already been claimed by the only person I’ve ever loved.
He doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t want me around and he doesn’t know how to tell me. He keeps pushing me off and telling me “tomorrow” but “tomorrow” never seems to come.
“I should leave.”
I bite my thumb and chew nervously on the flesh wondering how far I can make it before he realizes I’m gone—not that he’ll care. Not that anyone will. I’ve never been anything more than a fucking nuisance for everyone around me anyway, but I can’t run back to the other side of the world because they’re looking for me there and if they find me, they’ll hang me.
Archaic bullshit laws and I happened to snap a few in half when I was finding myself.
Ha! Run, Robbie, run. It’s the only thing you know how to do anyway.
I swing my legs over the side of the window and look down onto the sidewalk below. It could be so easy right now to give myself a gentle push and to end everything before August sees just how bad I’ve become, but what would that accomplish? I already know he doesn’t give a shit about me anymore; I can feel it and that hurts worse than anything I’ve ever done to anyone else.
“I know what I need,” I whisper, scanning the concrete below me. My eyes are moving rapidly back and forth and I decide against hurling myself to the ground below. The only thing I can do to help me right now is to indulge and I have to sneak out to do it.
This time if I go down, I’m going to make August sit up and pay attention. I’ll make him see that I needed his help and he fucking failed me and I’ll do it in the grandest way possible.
It’s the only way I’ll get him to realize that I’m more important than anything else in his life right now and we’ll be best friends again like we were when we were kids. It won’t be August the big and dutiful brother cleaning up my fuck ups—it’ll be Auggie and Robbie, best friends forever with no one to come between us, like it used to be.
