Beaten Paths, page 23
I managed to pull myself together before I totally lost it. “Charlie,” I said again. “What’s going on?”
“They did an emergency C-section. You had a placental abruption. I don’t even know what that means.”
I was frantic. “What about the girls?” I didn’t care what I’d been through. Clearly, I was alive since we were having this conversation. “They’re only twenty-eight weeks.”
“Sarah—”
“Where are they? Have you seen them? Charlie, tell me something!” Panic had taken over, and I wasn’t sure anything he said would even register.
He nodded. “I’ve been with them. They’re fighters, but they’re not out of the woods. They’re so tiny, Sarah.”
They’d made it. I’d made it. All of us were still here. “What do they look like?”
Tears raced down my cheeks as I did my best to wipe them away. But it was no longer fear because I knew God had brought me my miracles. He had rewarded my faith. My girls—our girls—were here and breathing, and I was still alive to see it.
A tear-filled smile lifted Charlie’s lips. “They’re beautiful.” He took out his phone to show me pictures of our daughters. They were as different as night and day, and I didn’t know it was possible to love someone I’d never met, but I did. Fiercely.
“They don’t have names, sunshine.” He nearly choked on his chuckle backed by tears, and I’d never thought I’d love to see tears in a man’s eyes.
We hadn’t considered names. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to, but if something happened to me, I wanted Charlie to be able to choose that for them.
* * *
Maneuvering to the NICU had been no simple feat, but I’d been determined to see my daughters as soon as humanly possible. I didn’t care how much pain I was in, nor did I care what the doctor’s thought about moving me. I wasn’t guaranteed today or tomorrow, and there was no chance I’d risk not seeing them, talking to them, touching them. Personally, I thought the nurses conceded just to get me to shut up, and I didn’t bother trying to hide my satisfaction when Charlie suggested they make it happen. He’d never seen me overbearing…until today. My mama claws came out sharp and fierce, and I’d protect those girls until my last breath.
Even though I’d seen pictures, they didn’t change the magic of the moment I first met my daughters. Peering in at their tiny little bodies, I, too, noticed all the things Charlie had said about their differences. It was the little things like the pulse of one versus the other, the skin tone, the way one breathed, the little bits of fuzz on their heads. They were twins, but even at only a couple of days old, they had their own spirits and personalities.
Kara was the smaller of the two, and she was also the more intuitive. Quiet, introspective if a baby could be. Whereas her sister, wailed—as much as an infant with underdeveloped lungs could. She fought tooth and nail against everything from cannulas to feeding tubes. Kylie was the polar opposite of her fairer sister. But they were both breathtaking.
“Kylie reminds me of Randi.” Charlie instantly regretted his statement, and almost flinched when he saw the words land on me.
I hadn’t thought about it, but she was a little replica of my sister, and Kara was more like me. If we’d been twins, I could envision this being us. Except for the part where Kylie always sought out Kara. As if on instinct, she knew she was the stronger of the pair, and some part of her was always touching her sister. “You’re right.”
I missed my sister. I wished like crazy that she’d concede and come around, but that was a battle I hadn’t won—yet.
“Kara is definitely more you and me.” He continued once he’d confirmed I wasn’t wounded by his first acknowledgment. “I wonder if anyone else has noticed that.” Charlie didn’t expect an answer; he was just thinking out loud.
Between his parents, Daddy, Austin, and us, these girls would know they were loved. There had been a vigil at their sides since they were born, and that would continue throughout their lives. And I absolutely loved that. For my girls and about my family.
“Would you like to hold them?”
The nurse scared the crap out of me. I hadn’t heard her walk up, and the sound of her voice nearly had me out of my wheelchair and into Charlie’s arms. They moved like ninjas in this place, and the intense focus of parents on their children made it even easier for them to do.
I clutched my chest, and my heart pounded against my hand. “You scared the daylights out of me.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” She stared at me, but I had no idea what for. Finally, she asked again with my having forgotten there was a question on the table. “Would you like to hold them? Skin-to-skin contact is really good for mama and baby.”
My heart now raced for an entirely different reason. I had no idea I’d get to hold them, much less this soon. I glanced up at Charlie with eager eyes, and his softened under my stare. When I turned my attention back to the nurse, she took my enthusiasm as a yes and moved toward the incubator.
“You can drag up a chair.” She spoke to Charlie who eagerly searched the perimeter.
Once he found what he was looking for, he pulled it close to me and excitement bubbled in his expression.
Trinity—now that I could see her name badge—had Charlie help me with the ties of my hospital gown, loosening the top. And then, she navigated my sweet, sleeping Kara under the cloth and against my bare chest. Nothing could have prepared me to feel my daughter nestled against my skin. But if I’d thought that was mind-blowing, seeing Charlie Burin nestle Kylie against his chest was out of this world.
I couldn’t stop myself from staring. I didn’t want to. I wanted to soak in the memories and the love and the blessings sitting in this space. For years, I’d pined after a man who’d never noticed me. A man I’d believed would never see me much less love me. And now, not only did I share a last name with that same man, but the two of us held our hearts and our love for each other flush against our sternums. There was nothing more attractive, and I knew from that moment on, Charlie Burin would always own my heart. And these two little girls, already had us wrapped.
Never, in my wildest dreams, would I have believed that a tragedy as great as my accident could turn into the greatest of miracles and happily ever afters.
But sometimes, it’s the journey that makes the destination so worthwhile.
Epilogue
Sarah
My sister had missed yet another milestone in my life, and I’d decided I’d had enough. I might not ever win back her affection—although I wasn’t sure I’d ever had it to begin with—but there wasn’t going to be a day that went by that Randi didn’t know I wanted her to come home. The twins had taught me one thing—tomorrow is never a guarantee.
Every two weeks, like clockwork. I called my sister. And anytime something happened in Mason Belle she heard from me then as well. I had a great relationship with her voicemail for several years. I was really good about keeping up with her, but the conversations were strained at best, and I did the majority of the talking. She would grunt or acknowledge that I’d spoken, but she never engaged. Randi never called me or texted me—it was always a reply to my reaching out. But she did reply, and that had to count for something. I ended every phone call with an invitation for her to come home, not just to meet Kylie and Kara, but to meet Rand as well. He’d joined our family two years after the twins, and I knew, if Randi ever met him, she’d fall head over heels for him and him for her. But my sister always declined.
There was no doubt in my mind she’d settled into a nice life in New York. She was practically married to one of the partners at the law firm she worked for, and I had to admit, Eason was a great guy. Sometimes I thought I had a better shot of convincing Eason to come to Mason Belle than Miranda. If she had it her way, she’d never step foot back in South Texas. I just didn’t know why. But that didn’t stop me from hoping or trying.
I wanted Randi to be a part of my life and my children’s lives. I wanted her to be their aunt, even if that just meant she flew down from New York once a year to tell me how much they had grown and bring them presents that made too much noise. She needed that place in our lives as much as we needed her in it. And I wanted her to feel like she could call me at any part of the day and talk to me about anything that was going on in her life. I was certain she’d made friends, and my guess was Eason’s family had welcomed her with open arms, but that didn’t mean she didn’t have roots, too.
I didn’t know anything about her anymore. I used to believe I knew all there was to know…that I knew my sister inside and out. No matter how much she annoyed me or how she tried to pull the wool over my eyes, I wasn’t as blind as she had thought I was. I also loved her in a way I’d never love anyone else. We fought, sure, and those fights turned out to have devastating consequences. I just wish Randi realized they’d also had beautiful repercussions. That argument, that accident, it brought me everything good in my life. There wasn’t a day that went by that I wasn’t grateful for the events of that day in June six years ago. Without them, I wouldn’t be married to the man of my dreams, nor would I have three gorgeous kids who kept me on my toes.
I tapped my little sister’s name in my list of contacts and stared at it before taking a deep breath. Then I pressed the green button and held the phone to my ear.
Surprisingly, she answered. “Hey, Sarah.” Not surprisingly, she sounded tired, uninterested, and obligated. It was a tone I recognized and heard more often than not.
“Hey.” I attempted to keep my excitement to a minimum because it drove my sister bonkers. It was my defense mechanism when I was apprehensive, and even after years of these calls, I was still nervous making each one. “It’s good to hear your voice.” And that was the start of the downhill slide.
I sounded like a mother and not her sister. I just didn’t know how to make the transition when she refused to assist in building any real relationship. There were days I wished Eason would answer. He was easy to talk to, and somehow, I felt like he appreciated my presence in his girlfriend’s life.
“It’s good to hear from you, too.” There was always an edge to her voice that told me she didn’t mean it.
I wondered if this was her professional voice, the one she used at the office to speak to clients and lawyers because it certainly wasn’t the laidback ease of Mason Belle that she’d grown up with. And her Southern accent was all but gone. A hint of sincerity might have been present, but a larger part of her answered out of obligation. That much I could tell from one sentence out of her mouth.
Before I could ease into a conversation, Randi cut right to the chase.
“Is there something that you needed?” New York had really done a number on her when it came to cutting through the niceties. Southern charm was no longer part of Randi’s vocabulary or demeanor, and I hated to see that go.
I took a deep breath and did my best to keep the happy in my tone. “No, I didn’t need anything.” I wasn’t doing a very good job at hiding my irritation—it wouldn’t hurt her to take five minutes out of her day every other week to be pleasant for five minutes. “I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
Every call started the same way with slight variations, and they all ended the same, too. I shouldn’t have to have a reason to call my sister. “You know Rand’s birthday is coming up. Have you thought about coming to see him and the girls?” My kids were typically a safe topic of conversation, but I knew when I heard her sigh on the other end that my light tone had not deterred her eye roll or irritation.
“Sarah, we’ve talked about this,” she said, “repeatedly. Why do we keep having the same conversation? I’m not coming back to Texas.” That was the first time she’d made such a resolute statement. Typically, she beat around the bush with excuses that held no weight or merit.
“You have nieces and a nephew that you haven’t met. I haven’t seen you since the accident.” I heard her wince and plowed right through it. “You haven’t seen Charlie or our house.” I didn’t want to give her a guilt trip, although I did want to remind her of all the things she was giving up by not coming home. “Why do I have to have a reason to beg my sister to come home? I just want to see you, Randi….”
“Miranda.”
I chose to ignore that name preference. That might be who she thought she was in New York; it would never be who she was in Mason Belle, Texas. Never.
“I want to give you a hug and talk to you for more than five forced minutes. There’s no reason we can’t have a normal relationship. You’re a grown woman, and so am I. We aren’t kids anymore. We can rebuild our connection, but you have to give it a chance. And that means not answering my calls purely out of duty, and instead, putting forth a little effort.”
“I don’t know.” Randi’s resolve was waning, and I could hear the want in her tone. She might not be ready to admit it, but there was a part of her that missed our small town. If she’d tell me what drove her away, I might be able to fix it so she’d come home. “I love you, Sarah; I really do. But I don’t think rebuilding is quite the word you’re looking for.”
I could admit our relationship had been tumultuous, tenuous even. She was a kid. I was charged with her supervision and discipline. None of that existed anymore. We could just be if my sister would allow it to happen.
“Then what do you think we should do? This isn’t working, and it doesn’t feel right. This isn’t how a family is supposed to communicate.”
She sighed. “I know. I really do. I wish you understood what all happened, but since you don’t and you can’t, then I just need to watch from afar.” She paused, and I wondered if she was finished. “I’m glad you’re happy, Sarah. I think it’s great that you have Charlie and the kids and that life is all you want it to be. It’s just not my life anymore. I hope someday you’ll understand.”
I’d given it all I could today. These conversations were taxing for us both. I didn’t have a clue why she needed to stay away—no one did but Randi. And she had decided that wasn’t a secret she’d ever share.
“You can call me anytime you want, Sarah. I’ll always try to answer.”
I took a deep breath. “I just want us to be close again.”
There was a pregnant pause. We were not going to be close like I wanted us to be, and I think we both knew that. We hadn’t been close since we were both little, since before Mama left. And there was too much that Randi wasn’t willing to let go of yet. But I believed in miracles. I had a house full of them. And I was certain Miranda would be one at some point as well.
“Look,” Randi finally said, “I have a lunch appointment at one….”
“I’ll let you go, but we will talk more soon.”
“Okay, Sarah.” The tension in her voice was gone, replaced by exhaustion.
I softened my tone to the one I used to use when I whispered to her as we hid in my room at night when we were little to avoid Mama and Daddy hearing us. “Good to hear your voice again.” I smiled, even though she couldn’t see me as I thought about a time where the two of us were just sisters. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.” It wasn’t heartfelt; nevertheless, I claimed it as a victory.
* * *
“Sarah!” Panic laced my husband’s tone, and I dreaded hearing what he’d come in to tell me.
Mason Belle was in a state of emergency as wildfires tore through the fields, pastures, and ranches all around us. We’d hoped like crazy that they’d blow in another direction, but that wasn’t the path they took. For days the flames had inched toward our county and then one by one taken over.
Last night, they’d hit Cross Acres and Twin Creeks, and every available hand had been called up to do everything they could to help, which primarily meant driving the cattle to safety. That was difficult to do at Cross Acres because there were so many more head than on any other ranch around. That many cows required space to even stand much less feed. When Charlie had gotten the call from his dad last night, I’d been woken as well. What hadn’t happened was an update since.
Even if my condition didn’t prevent me from hopping on a horse to try to heard cattle, my three children did. And before the night was over, my three children had grown into twelve kids, who were all brought over dead on their feet so their parents could try to salvage and help. At the very least, it occupied my time and made me feel like I contributed something so their mothers could assist their husbands. Land and cows were everything around here, and if I could free up seven moms to save their farms, then I was glad to do it. Unfortunately, it left me waiting for someone to tell me anything.
For Charlie to have left Twin Creeks, either the fires had burned past the family’s acreage, or something had happened. The tone of his voice said it was the latter, but I prayed it was the former.
“Sarah?” He moved through the house in search of me.
I dried off my hands from doing the breakfast dishes and called back. “I’m in the kitchen. What’s wrong?” As soon as I tossed the towel onto the counter, I turned to meet him. My heart thundered in my chest, and I struggled to breathe, but it wasn’t the thick, dark smoke outside the windows that threatened to choke me out.
It was the look on Charlie’s face. His eyes were a deep brown, his forehead marred with worry, and his bloodshot eyes swam with unshed tears. He grabbed my bicep, tugging me to his chest. If he hadn’t dipped his mouth to my ear, I doubt I would have heard him over the pounding beneath my sternum. “Sunshine, there’s been an accident.”
I pushed away from his embrace, needing more information than I could garner from those words alone. “What kind of accident?” My voice was as hollow as my aching heart.
He wouldn’t have come to me unless he had to. There was too much to do and too many ranches that needed help.
Charlie swallowed, and it took effort. Whatever was on the tip of his tongue was a message he didn’t want to deliver. “Jack—”
