“He’s tried calling a few times,” Luke said. “And messaging.”

  “I know.”

  Luke nodded slowly and he crossed his arms, which wasn’t good. “You know how you said it was actually good to see our families without any warning because then we just got it all over and done with without any time to overthink anything?”

  I was pretty sure I also knew where he was going with this.

  “Yeah.”

  “Good. Because all the guys are coming here for lunch, Maddox and Roscoe included.” Luke’s eyes met mine, determined and serious. “And you and Maddox are gonna sit down and talk.”

  NINETEEN

  I didn’t want to do this. I knew I had to, but damn. It wasn’t going to be easy. I didn’t blame Luke for throwing me into the deep end. He was in the middle of it all, and I didn’t want him to feel like he had to choose. Plus, he felt guilty, and I needed to remedy that.

  Things were so much easier when we were younger. We were so damn busy back then, with people managing our every minute. We didn’t have time for any differences. We didn’t even have time to think.

  We all had the same goals, same lives. And we were so busy living the pop-star dream, we didn’t even realize we had any differences.

  But that was all gone now. We were all living different lives and our safety nets were gone.

  The bottom line was that being a grown-up fucking sucked.

  I needed to have this conversation with Maddox and let the chips fall where they may.

  I didn’t want things to go from bad to worse, and the fact that I wasn’t ready to fight for our friendship made me realize I was still angry at him and that Luke was right.

  We really needed to do this.

  Wes, Amy, and little Benny were the first to arrive. Amy looked amazing, and Wes was carrying several bags and a tray of food, and it made me laugh.

  He was such a dad.

  Benny was the cutest kid ever, and she ran inside. Wes yelled after her to slow down and almost dropped one bag, which Luke was quick to grab.

  Amy took the tray. “I told you I could carry this,” she said.

  “Careful, it’s hot,” he said. Then he looked at me. “Your house is about to get hit by Cyclone Benny.”

  I took a bag from him and looked at it and grinned. “From Prada to Disney.”

  He snorted. “It’s a short fall, my friend.” Then he hurried into the living room, looking for what damage Benny was getting into.

  I followed him and clapped him on the shoulder. “Relax, man. She’ll be fine. The pool’s fenced, and there’s nothing she can really get into in here.”

  He looked at me like I had noooooo idea, before he laughed a slightly manic sound. Then he dropped his other bag onto the kitchen counter and saw Benny run up the hallway. He bolted after her, and the rest of us all laughed.

  “She’s fast,” Luke said, surprised.

  Amy laughed. “Oh yes.”

  I couldn’t help but smile after Wes. “He looks so happy,” I said quietly.

  Amy pulled out a tray of some kind of food, smiling fondly. “He’s such a great father.”

  Wes came back holding a grinning Benny. “Can’t take your eyes off ’em.”

  I laughed. “Living the dream, huh?”

  He grinned at me. “Wouldn’t change a thing.” Then he looked at Luke and back to me. “So, things here are good, I see.”

  I felt a rush, a thrill at the mention of us. Giddy, even. “Ah, yeah,” I said, unable to take my eyes off Luke.

  His smile was shy, his cheeks a little pink. “You could say that.”

  “Well, I’d like to say I’m surprised, but that’d be a lie,” Wes said. “To tell you the truth, I thought you were banging years ago. Like, Beacon-album era. That long ago.”

  Luke sighed. “Nope.”

  I put my hand up. “It’s me. I was the idiot. We’ve established that fact.”

  Wes snorted. “Now that I knew.”

  Then Benny decided she wanted to go outside, reaching for the glass doors.

  I held my hands out for her. “B-b-b-Benny and the Jets, come to Uncle Blake. Let your dad have a minute.” She looked at me, unsure. “You wanna go outside? I’ll take you. Let’s go see if we can find some squirrels.”

  That was the magic combo, apparently, because she launched herself at me and pointed to the doors, leaning to make me go faster. “Does she need a coat or something?” Well, the sun was out and she had a long-sleeve shirt, but I wasn’t sure. I didn’t know how kids operated.

  “No, she’ll be fine,” Amy said, amused.

  I ignored how Luke’s eyes were all hearts and how Wes’s were mostly fear, and took her outside.

  It was a nice winter’s day, blue skies and sunshine, at least. Not as warm as Mexico but still. I took Benny over to the trees and watched for any movement. “Look!” I said, pointing. “There’s one.”

  So we looked some more, and she wanted to walk along the garden wall while I held her hand, and before long, Wes came out. I could hear other voices inside and I knew I’d put it off long enough.

  Wes scooped Benny up, and she showed him where the squirrels had been. He listened intently but eventually his attention turned to me. “You got some visitors inside.”

  I nodded slowly. “Yeah.” I inhaled deeply. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Sure.”

  “Did you ever feel like we abandoned you?”

  He did a double take. “Uh . . . What?”

  “Like the four of us, the band. You’re busy, I know, and we have vastly different lives now. But I feel like I never called enough to ask how you were. Or stopped by to see you and this little one.” I tweaked Benny’s tummy.

  “Um,” Wes stalled. “Life’s busy, yes. And our lives are vastly different now. Mine especially. Have there been times when I missed the band, the fun times? Sure. Until I remember how grueling it was and the toll it took on all of us. I don’t miss that. Do I miss you guys?” He made a face. “Yeah.”

  “I’m sorry I never called as often as I should have,” I said seriously. “If you ever felt alone when you shouldn’t have been. I want us to hang out more.”

  “My life is about play groups and jelly sandwiches.”

  I laughed. “I like jelly sandwiches. And I’m totally down for play groups or trips to the park. Imagine all the squirrels we could see at the park!”

  Benny put her little hands to her chubby face and her wide eyes went to Wes’s. He narrowed his eyes at me. “Thanks for that.”

  I laughed as Roscoe came out. I’d been expecting Maddox, but nope, it was the big fella. Wes gave me a nod. “See you inside. And yes to what you said. Definitely.”

  I smiled as he walked away, and Roscoe came over. I wasn’t entirely sure what to expect from him, but I knew it wasn’t gonna be good. “Roscoe,” I said quietly.

  He gave me a tight smile, and he shoved his hands in his jeans pockets. “Blake,” he said, and yeah, he was not overly happy with me. “Maddox has just gone to the bathroom, so I wanted to grab you real quick.”

  “Okay.”

  “Look,” he said softly. “The argument between you and Maddox is between you two. You have a long history and I’m not getting in the middle of that. I just wanted to let you know that he’s been a wreck this week, and his anxiety has been through the roof. And this kind of stress has set his progress back two years.”

  Oh, god.

  “I just wanted you to be aware of that before you guys talk,” he added quickly, face lined with worry.

  “Fuck, Roscoe, I . . . yeah, thanks.”

  I was going to say I didn’t know. But of course I didn’t know because I’d been ignoring Maddox’s calls.

  Maddox came out through the door then, and yeah, it was pretty clear he’d had a rough week. He looked tired and wary and really fucking sad—he looked much like he had on the tour before his epic breakdown—and damn, every ounce of anger I had for him dissipated.

  Goddammit.

  I left Roscoe, walked over to meet Maddox, and collected him in a hug. He was surprised, if his tenseness was any indicator.

  “Hey, dickbag,” I said.

  He scoffed. “Hey.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, not letting him go.

  “Me too,” he replied. “I really am.”

  I pulled back and kept my hand on his neck. “You okay?”

  He kinda nodded but then shook his head, his eyes cast down. “Not really. I can’t . . . I can’t be fighting with you. To think you hated me⁠—”

  “I don’t hate you,” I said, giving the back of his neck a squeeze. “I could never hate you.”

  “You were so mad at me,” he murmured.

  “I was mad at everything,” I replied. “But mostly at me.”

  His eyes met mine then. “Luke asked me not to tell you, and I thought I was doing the right thing by him. I didn’t realize it was so wrong by you. I never meant to hurt you like that. I had no idea . . .”

  A sad smile tugged at my lips. “To be fair, neither did I.”

  He took a deep breath in, then huffed out a laugh and puffed out his cheeks as he sighed. “I was almost sick this morning. I thought you were gonna yell at me again.” He shrugged. “I would have deserved it. I am sorry for how it all played out.”

  “You were trying to protect Luke; I know that now,” I said. “How can I be mad at you for that?”

  “Yeah, well, I should have told you something when I saw how much you were hurting. To be honest, seeing you that day on the floor with all the photos and stuff, I was so shocked, I didn’t know what to say.”

  I sighed then. “Yeah, that wasn’t my shining moment.”

  “Jeremy told me you weren’t doing well, but I didn’t know how bad it was. And I should have. I’m sorry.”

  “I needed to hit rock bottom before I could see what was in front of me all along.” I leaned against the garden wall and Maddox joined me, sitting side by side. “I guess I was too busy convincing myself that the status quo was my safety net.”

  He nodded, his hands pulled into the sleeves of his hoodie. “I think we’re all guilty of doing that.”

  “I need to make a lot of changes,” I said. “That safety net I thought I needed feels like it’s suffocating me. I’m selling my place in Malibu. Luke’s gonna sell this house. We’re gonna buy something smaller and more us. And maybe a place in Mexico.”

  He grinned. “You really loved it, huh? We saw all the photos. Still can’t believe you let Luke double you on a moped. Then you singing at the airport; that was freaking cool. You looked so happy.”

  “Oh my god, that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. And Mexico just hits different. We can be us there. No one cares, no one bothers us. It really made me realize that I need to cut away all the bullshit. I need to get back to what matters.”

  Maddox’s eyes met mine then, and he smiled, happy for me.

  “I feel like I’m ready to make plans,” I added. “These last few years, I’ve just been floating along. No real plans, just . . . aimless. I guess. I dunno. But now I have ideas. I want to do things, set goals, work on them. I’m ready to work again. Maybe I was burned-out more than I realized. Maybe that’s what it was. I don’t know.” I shrugged. “But I’m excited for music again. I’ve missed it. God, I’ve missed it so much. I didn’t even know how much until Luke started to play his guitar again and write songs, and it was like, yes, this is what was missing. And it’s who I am, who he is.”

  Maddox was still smiling, and he looked up at the sky. “I don’t think I’ll ever get that back. Music, yes. I’ll always love it. But I don’t miss what it did to me.”

  I nodded because I understood that. “I think that’s what I’m stuck on. I don’t want to deal with the whole corporation, industry bullshit. I just wanna play. Like walk into a bar or a public square and sing the songs Luke and I have written. Hell, free concerts in a park. We could release albums online and not give one single fuck about sales, markets, expectations. Just acoustic stuff like it used to be. Doing what we want to do when we want to do it.” I sighed. “I have a different story to tell now. Who I was in Atrous isn’t who I am anymore.” I made a face. “That’s not true. I’m still me. I dunno. I just feel different.”

  “We’re older,” Maddox offered.

  I nodded. “I think I kinda resented Atrous coming to an end,” I admitted, and his gaze shot to mine. “Don’t get me wrong, I know it needed to end. We were done, all of us. I know that. I just feel . . . like it was something we couldn’t control. Even though we did. God, I dunno.” I groaned in frustration at not getting the words right. “We made that promise to each other, all of us or none of us, and . . .”

  “You don’t know what?”

  “Like I need to ask you guys permission to sing again.”

  Maddox’s eyes went wide. “What? Fuck no, you don’t need permission.”

  I laughed. “Okay, so maybe permission wasn’t the right word. Blessing, maybe. I need you guys to say it’s okay to move on?”

  “Move on?” he whispered. “Blake. We’ve all moved on. Have you not? Did you not⁠—”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Not really. I think that’s why I was so stuck. Same with Luke. We were just . . . stuck in neutral. Couldn’t move forward, can’t go back.”

  He sighed. “Oh, man.”

  “I’m ready to move forward. I need to. I want to start a whole new part of my life with Luke, and I need to put all that shit behind me. I want a normal life, if that’s possible. I know you and Jer talked about that years ago, but I never really understood it. Until now. You know, I’d never even booked plane tickets for myself? Or gone to a grocery store.” I sighed. “I realized a lot of things about myself these last two weeks. Not all of it great. Did you know being a grown-up really sucks?”

  Maddox smiled at that. “Yeah. Remember when we wanted to be adults so bad?”

  I chuckled. “Yeah. We were fools.” I nodded slowly and gave him a sad smile. “I am sorry for everything. I wasn’t in a good place and I lashed out, and Luke chose you over me, and in hindsight, I can see why that sent me into a nosedive. Because I was in love with him and completely clueless. And I was really alone. I had no one because I didn’t have him.”

  “Blake,” he began.

  I waved him off. “It’s true, and it’s not anyone’s fault. Adult relationships are hard. When we were in the band, we didn’t have to work at that shit. We saw each other every minute of every day, and then when it was over, we didn’t have that. You and Jer had Roscoe and Steve. Wes is a family man now.” I met his eyes. “We need to put effort in now. I mean it. Make time, call every so often, and have cookouts or whatever, and be involved with whatever’s going on. Because if we don’t, weeks’ll turn into months, then years, and before we know it, Rolling Stone will be hosting a twenty-year Atrous reunion and none of us will be there because one of us moved to some forest in Sweden and no longer speaks English.”

  Maddox laughed. “Pretty sure that was ABBA.”

  “It was?”

  He nodded. “Agnetha.”

  I sighed. “The similarities of Luke and me wanting to live as recluses in Mexico are not lost on me.”

  Maddox grinned at me, then clapped me on the shoulder. “I’m so happy for you. And Luke, of course. We’ll support you guys, whatever you decide to do with your music. We all will.”

  Relief settled over me; a weight I didn’t even know I’d been carrying was gone.

  “So,” Maddox said with a nudge. “You and Luke . . .”

  I laughed. “Yeah. A bit of a surprise, huh?”

  He made a face. “Not at all.”

  That made me groan. “I was the last person to know, wasn’t I,” I said, not a question. Not anymore. I sighed again. “Full disclosure, I’m still not sure what I am, what label suits me,” I admitted quietly. “To be honest, I don’t like labels. Not for me. Luke’s bisexual and he’s happy to claim that, and I’m happy for him. But me? I dunno. Technically, I guess I’m bi because there’s been women and Luke. But he’s the only guy ever, and like I said to my mom, it’s not about the fact that he’s a guy. I love him, the person. I think Luke said maybe I’m a demigod.”

  “Demisexual,” Luke said as he walked over.

  I made a face at Maddox. “Like I said. Demigod. So anyway, demigod, bi, whatever; I just know that I’m not gay.” I looked at Luke. “Though what we did last night was pretty fucking gay, so who knows.”

  Luke closed his eyes slowly. “Christ.”

  I laughed and, taking Luke’s face in my hands, kissed him soundly. “Babe, the word is demigod.”

  Luke gave me a shove and Maddox laughed just as Benny ran out to us. “Unca Bake,” she called, running straight to me with her arms up. “Squills.” I picked her up and she looked at Maddox, at his earrings, and tried to reach for them. “Pwetty.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, he’s pwetty. He’s always pwetty.” I tried to tap his face, but he ducked my hand.

  Amy stood at the door. “She was supposed to tell you lunch is ready.”

  “I was supposed to tell you lunch was ready,” Luke said, smiling at me fondly. “You guys good?”

  “Yeah,” I replied, and Maddox nodded.

  “I’m happy for you guys,” he said.

  “Sorry for putting you in the middle,” Luke said to him. “I didn’t mean to.”

  “No apology necessary,” Maddox said. “I’m just glad it all worked out.”

  “Squills,” Benny said, pointing to the trees and kicking her legs to get me to move.

  “Okay, okay,” I said. “I’m on uncle duty.”

  A second later, Amy came out and took her. “Let Uncle Blake go have his lunch.”

  I kinda got the feeling she was giving all us guys some time to talk. At the table, the seat next to Luke was empty, reserved for me. As it usually was over the last ten years, it’d always been me and him.

  But it was different now.

  As I looked around the table, I had flashbacks of us at sixteen, as scrawny kids with nothing but ambitions and dreams. We were so naïve back then, ready to conquer the world.

  Then I remembered sitting around the table at Maddox’s, wondering if we should quit. Then at Jeremy’s when we’d decided it was time.

 

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