Inside Out, page 5
I supervised warmups and met with the head coach from East Carter while managing not to look in Rome’s direction. I needed to be at my best which meant I had to pretend he wasn’t there. I couldn’t ask my players to focus if I was distracted. I’d seen him when he first arrived and noticed he’d changed into a pair of gym shorts, sneakers, and a Blissville High T-shirt with our bulldog mascot on the front. I didn’t need to look in his direction when I knew he had those baby blues beneath his aviator sunglasses trained on me.
Every match against East Carter was a dogfight, but I knew the night would be ours when we went into the final set. Ellie and Sara were playing their best tennis of the season, and I saw the determination on their faces when I spoke with them before they took the court.
“I see how badly you want this, but do you know what I want from you as your coach?”
“A first-place trophy at the end of the season?” Sara asked.
“I want you to enjoy every serve, volley, and point. Play as a team and have fun, ladies.”
“Winning is fun, coach,” Ellie said with a sly grin before she looped her arm through Sara’s and pulled her toward the court.
Those ladies at East Carter didn’t stand a chance against their determination. Ellie and Sara coasted to an easy victory because they played together like a well-oiled machine. We lined up and exchanged high fives with our opponents over the net before I took my team off to the side to celebrate.
“Congratulations, everyone. You played your hearts out this afternoon, and I’m so proud of you. That doesn’t mean we can slack off. We might be leading the league, but East Carter is going to be hungry to reclaim the top spot. If we falter, they’ll do just that. I want you to celebrate tonight but be ready to practice tomorrow after school. Bulldogs on three. One…two…three…”
“Bulldogs!” we all shouted together.
The parents who were able to attend came over and congratulated me on the victory, and I assured them the win belonged solely to the kids. I was aware of Rome’s presence on the periphery and knew he was waiting for the right opportunity to approach me which didn’t happen until the last parent, student, and coach left.
He slid his glasses to the top of his head and offered me a warm smile. “Congratulations, Julius.”
“Thank you, Rome.” I thought I was prepared for the energy that would blast through my body when I accepted his handshake, but I was wrong. It was so much more intense than the first time. “My friends call me Jules,” I found myself saying.
“Are we friends?” he asked huskily.
“I…um…” I rubbed the back of my neck while trying to figure out how to answer that. We were friendly, but I couldn’t say we were friends. Could we even be friends with the attraction sparking between us?
Rome began to chuckle. “I didn’t mean to make things awkward between us. I guess I’m just rusty.”
“Rusty at being friends with someone?”
“With someone I find attractive and would like to get to know better. Romantically,” he added.
“As in date?”
“I would settle for you not avoiding me and would love to work my way up to a cup of coffee and a pastry. See where things go from there. Is that something you’re willing to entertain?”
I had no damn clue how to approach the situation and decided honesty would be best. “Rome, I’m very attracted to you, but I’m not sure pursuing a relationship with you is good for me.” I could tell he was trying to figure out the reasons I felt that way, but he didn’t press me.
“I respect your honesty, Jules. I hope you respect that I don’t give up easily.”
“Fair enough.”
I didn’t hear from Rome for the rest of the week. He didn’t email me or stop by my classroom. I thought maybe his parting words to me after the tennis match were just bluster, but it turned out he was just gathering his second wind and biding his time.
I reported for duty at the concession stand on Friday night because it was the tennis team’s turn to volunteer. The kids would rather watch the game, but many of their parents volunteered their time to serve nachos, hot dogs, hamburgers, popcorn, walking tacos, and an assortment of candy and drinks during the football game against our biggest rival. The boosters were on hand to show us the ropes and determine which of us would be best with money. One of the moms was a bank teller and one of the dads was an accountant, so they were elected. I would work with the food, assembling hot dogs, hamburgers, and walking tacos. Just before the service windows opened, our final volunteer for the night showed up.
“Back again for more punishment, Dr. Bradley?” one of the moms asked.
“This is like the fourth home game in a row,” another chimed in. “We’ve never had a superintendent work the concession stand one time let alone four times in one season.”
“I enjoy it,” he said. I was disappointed to find out he didn’t volunteer solely to have an excuse to be with me until he turned his twinkling blue eyes on me. “I see you already have someone doing my usual job.”
“I’m sure Mr. Shepherd could use your help. It’s a lot for one guy to keep up with during a normal game, but things will really be hopping tonight.”
“Want some help?” he asked, coming to stand beside me. God, he smelled delicious. I wasn’t the only one who noticed how damn good he looked in his tight, dark wash jeans and the navy blue, long-sleeved T-shirt that clung to his biceps and pecs. That damn bulldog had never looked so fine.
“Sure,” I said, playing it off like it was no big deal. “Do you prefer the hot dogs, burgers, or walking tacos?”
“Doesn’t matter to me. Put me wherever you want me,” Rome said softly enough that only I heard him. I had my back turned to the rest of volunteers, so they didn’t see the heated flush creeping up my neck. Rome’s eyes widened like he couldn’t believe what he’d just said.
I handed him the tongs for the hot dogs as a chuckle rumbled out of my chest. His laughter joined mine, and I knew the rest of the volunteers wondered what was so funny. Our laughter died soon enough when the service windows opened because the boosters hadn’t been wrong about the projected crowds. We didn’t have a slow moment from the first customer until the final seconds of the fourth quarter when we all gathered in the window to watch our kicker send the game-winning field goal through the uprights as time ran out on the clock.
We erupted into cheers and high-fived each other as the marching band blared the fight song and the home crowd went wild. We had about an hour of cleanup once we shut the doors, but it passed by fast when we were in such high spirits. Afterward, we all walked to our cars in the parking lot which was pretty deserted by then.
“Hey, Jules,” Rome said when I stopped at my car. “I’ll be at Books and Brew for coffee tomorrow morning if you’re free.” He knew damn well I didn’t have a tennis commitment in the morning. “I’ll even let you buy.”
I wanted to say yes, but I kept thinking that getting involved with him would be a big mistake. It was more than the fact he was the superintendent of schools where I taught; there was the age gap and race thing to consider. I would be a liar if I pretended like it didn’t matter to me, but a man didn’t forget the prejudices he faced growing up because his black mother happened to love a white man. On the other hand, I was never one to back away from something just because it was hard. All I owed the man was honesty, and right then, I only had one answer. “Maybe,” I said, opening my door.
Rome chuckled warmly. “Fair enough. I’ll be there at nine if you decide to join me. Sleep well, Jules.” I knew damn well sleep would elude me.
“Thoughts are but dreams till their effects be tried.”
~William Shakespeare
“Wishing and hoping will only take you so far. Sometimes you gotta take life by the balls.”
~Romeo Bradley
“One salted caramel coffee and a cranberry orange muffin,” said Maegan Miracle, co-owner of Books and Brew, as she removed my items from her tray and set them on the table I’d chosen in front of the bookstore and coffee shop. She and her twin brother had added the outdoor seating in the spring which made it nice on the mornings I brought Dolly with me. “And a biscuit for milady.” Maegan did a cute curtsy before holding out the dog biscuit shaped like a fire hydrant for Dolly to assess.
“She prefers the biscuits shaped like stilettos or handbags,” I teased. “High-dollar diva.”
“A dog after my own heart,” Maegan replied then scratched Dolly’s ears once she gingerly accepted the biscuit. “You know, I probably should’ve waited for you to order rather than assume you’d want—”
“The same thing I get every time?” I waved away the thought then took a sip of my favorite coffee. “Although, I am hoping to meet someone here.”
“Oh, is Howie coming too?”
It was a natural assumption since I’d formed an unlikely but meaningful relationship with the older man after our first chat at the ice cream parlor. He’d adopted a beagle named Bess and we started walking our dogs together every night. Sometimes we even met for coffee, so it made sense she drew that conclusion.
“Good morning,” Howie boomed from behind me as if Maegan conjured him out of thin air. “Look, Bess, there’s your best girl Dolly.” It was true the dogs were best friends. I’d never seen two dogs take to each other as quickly as they did. “Maegan, can I have a black coffee and a piña colada muffin?”
“Of course,” she said cheerfully then retreated inside.
“I’m glad to see you this morning since we didn’t get our walk last night. How was the game?”
“I didn’t see much of it because I worked in the concession stand.” To be honest, the only thing I remembered about the previous evening was Julius—the sound of his voice, the crisp scent of his cologne or body wash, and the way my skin tingled anytime we bumped into each other while assembling food. He consumed my thoughts and made it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything or anyone else. That’s why I made my subtle move. Julius was obviously hesitant to get involved with me even though he returned my attraction. All the wishing and hoping was making me crazy as I tried to patiently give him time to warm up to the idea of us. I needed to know if there was hope or if I should move on.
“You look wound tight this morning, Rome,” Howie said, breaking into my thoughts. “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed distracted on our walks. I’m not boring you, am I?”
My heart broke right then. “Howie, I’m sorry if I’ve given you that impression because it’s the furthest thing from the truth. Our friendship means the world to me, and our walks keep me sane.”
“Man trouble then?” He’d leaned forward and lowered his voice. He didn’t do it because he found the subject awkward nor was he ashamed. We’d spent hours talking about the different experiences we’d had as gay and straight men. What he knew about gay people were stereotypes perpetuated in television and movies, and he was eager to hear what I had to say. I listened to him talk about the way he was raised and understood how prejudices and ignorance were spread from generation to generation. Howie was proud he and his wife raised their kids to be more open-minded. His lowered voice was his way of protecting my privacy.
I chuckled and tilted my head as I rolled his question around. “Something like that. I invited him to meet me here for coffee, but I doubt he shows up.”
“Is it someone I know?”
“He lives locally, but we haven’t talked about him,” I replied.
“Is it the new pediatrician? You should hear the single ladies crying because Dr. Love is gay. You’d make a handsome couple.”
“No, it’s not him, but thank you.”
Howie narrowed his eyes, and I could tell he was rolling it around in his mind to determine which eligible bachelor caught my eye. “That hunky fireman?”
“We have a hunky gay fireman living here?”
Howie laughed and nodded. “He’s a big bruiser though.” My friend’s face turned bright red when he realized how I could interpret his comment. “I meant height and breadth of shoulders. I, uh, didn’t mean…”
“I knew what you meant,” I assured him. I saw a charcoal gray Honda Accord park by the curb down the block. Could it be? That was a common car and a popular color… My heart accelerated when the driver’s door opened and Julius stepped out. I had a moment to study him before he saw me, and the turmoil etched on his handsome face tugged at my heartstrings.
Sensing my distraction, Howie turned to look down the sidewalk. “That him?”
Yes, my heart shouted. I was too dumbstruck to speak and could only nod my head.
Howie turned back to me just in time to see my confirmation. He scooted back his chair and started to rise until I stopped him by placing my hand on his arm. “Let me introduce you.” I waved to get Jules’s attention and was happy to see a warm smile replace his troubled expression.
“Hello,” Jules warmly said when he reached our table.
Howie and I both stood up to greet him. “Julius, this is my good friend, Howie, and, Howie, this is Julius. He teaches advanced chemistry at the high school.”
“It’s good to meet you, Julius,” Howie said, shaking his hand. “Bess and I were just keeping Rome and Dolly company while they waited for you.”
“It’s good to meet you too,” Jules said. Then he leaned down to greet the dogs who wagged their tails excitedly. “Hello, ladies.”
Maegan came outside with Howie’s coffee and muffin on a tray. “Hi, Julius. What can I get for you this morning?”
“Good morning, Maegan.” Julius offered her a warm smile even if a trace of uncertainty lingered in his eyes. “I’ll have a gingerbread chai latte and a lemon poppy seed muffin.”
“I’ll follow you inside to pay for my breakfast and get a paper bag so Bess and I can get going,” Howie told her. “Do you mind if Bess hangs out with you for a minute?” he asked me.
“You don’t have to rush off,” I said. “Stay and join us.”
“Oh no,” Howie persisted. “We have a big day ahead of us. We’re keeping an eye on the grandkids while their parents do some shopping for the youngest one’s birthday party.” He shook his head. “I look forward to seeing what they come up with every year. At first, I thought making a big deal about birthdays was silly, but the kids have such a good time. Who does it hurt, anyway? It’s not like they hire a circus to perform and bring in a petting zoo. They decorate the house in a theme that matches the latest craze the kids are wrapped up in and serve food, cake, and ice cream.”
“No bouncy castles?” I teased.
“Well, they did that once. It was a lot of fun.”
“You got in the bouncy castle?” I asked.
“I’m not always a stick in the mud, you know?”
“I do.” I’d gotten to see the warm, loving man Howie truly was once he started opening up to me during our nightly walks. Grief did evil things to a person’s mind, affecting every aspect of their lives.
“I’ll be right back after I pay the nice lady,” Howie said, following Maegan inside. She looped her arm through his and said something I couldn’t hear, but it made Howie hoot with laughter.
“I didn’t mean to run your friend off,” Julius said, sitting in the chair Howie had vacated.
“You didn’t run anyone off. I invited you, remember? Howie was walking Bess and stopped by.” My eyes roamed greedily over his face, and my pulse leaped when his shy smile became a devious one.
“You didn’t think I’d show up, did you?”
“It depended on the minute. Part of the time, I thought you would, and part of the time, I thought you wouldn’t.”
Julius chuckled. “How long have you been thinking about it?”
“I haven’t been able to think about anything else since I asked you to meet me.”
“Me either,” he confessed, looking away briefly. “So, why did you think I might show up?”
We were two grown men and had no room for playing coy games. Julius asked me a direct question, and my response would be equally as straightforward. “I can see you return my attraction. You’re starting to look less hesitant and more curious about your reaction to me. What were your reasons for wanting to come here this morning?” I wanted to reach out and cover his hand with mine but knew it was too soon.
“I don’t want to live a life where I’m second-guessing decisions I made or regret letting people slip out of my life just because the situation could be difficult. What were the reasons you thought I’d choose not to come?” he asked.
“I thought my position as superintendent would be the biggest detraction, but I also worried you might think I was too old.” Julius snorted. “What? How many twenty-somethings like you want to date forty-somethings like me?”
“More than you know. You’re intelligent, funny, kind, mature, and you must know how good looking you are.”
“I…um—”
“You have a mirror, right?”
“Yeah, but—”
“Start looking in it more often. You are one sexy man. You’re the entire package.” My stunned expression made him chuckle. He was so different from the man I talked to during school events. Gone was his shyness and in its place was a direct gaze I couldn’t look away from. “You wanted honesty, so I’m giving it to you.”
“Is it my job then?”
“Mostly,” he agreed. “I’m new to this school, and I want the conversation about me to reflect on my skills as an educator, not my sexual orientation or who I’m dating.”
“Fair enough.”
“There’s also the issue of race,” Julius said. “It shouldn’t matter in this day and age, but then again, it shouldn’t have mattered when I was growing up and getting bullied left and right either. The crap my parents went through just for loving each other was ridiculous,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not afraid to battle hard for the things I want, but I need to make sure the person is worth the fight.” I wanted to be worthy.
“I’m sorry to hear you were bullied as a kid, Julius.” I decided to throw caution to the wind and cover his hand where it rested on the table. I didn’t trace his soft skin with my thumb; I just let him feel the weight of my hand and learn my touch. “I’m not afraid of what people will think or say,” I said earnestly. “Something inside you clicks as you get older and living for what others think no longer is important. As much as I love to please others, I care most about pleasing myself. God, that must sound selfish.”
