Saving Maddie, page 11
“I’m sorry,” I said, retreating from her. “I don’t know what came over me—”
“No, it isn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have led you on.” She swooped down and grabbed her purse from the porch. “You’d better go.”
“Madeline, I’m so sorry—”
“Joshua.” She placed her hand on my chest, her finger-nails almost invisible against my black shirt. “I had a really good time tonight. Let’s not ruin it, okay?”
I nodded, and she leaned in and gave me another kiss. “Thank you for the rose,” she whispered.
She disappeared into the house, and I drove back home. The silence that filled the car did nothing to soothe my guilt.
Madeline had said that I hadn’t done anything wrong, but that wasn’t true. I had wanted her. Lusted after her. I was supposed to be a good guy. A gentleman. A preacher’s kid. Instead, I had tried to—actually, I didn’t even know what I had been doing. I didn’t really want to sleep with her, did I? I just wanted…more. More than a few passionate kisses. But how much more, I wasn’t sure.
Maybe I just wanted her to look at me the same way Charlotte looked at Tony. And she had, for a second. Then I had to go and mess everything up.
By the time I got home, my lower half had relaxed enough to allow me to walk in a somewhat normal fashion, which was a good thing, being that Dad was still awake. He sat at the kitchen table, his Bible open, a white pad full of notes in front of him.
“You have a good time tonight?” he asked, scribbling on his notepad.
“Yeah, it was okay.” I tried to make my voice sound as flat as possible.
“Good. I think your mother was starting to get worried, but I reckon that’s just her nature.” He put his pencil down and looked up. “No mother wants to see…”
Dad paused, his eyes narrowing and focusing in on me. Did I look that guilty?
He cleared his throat. “As I was saying, no mother wants to see her baby grow up.”
I nodded, unsure how to respond, and inched toward the hallway. “Well, I’m going to bed.”
“Joshua.” He looked back down at his Bible. “I thought you were supposed to help her recommit to God. I thought you were strong enough…”
Dad’s voice was so low that it was barely audible, yet it still cut into me like a dull knife. How could he know? How could he possibly know?
I stepped toward him. “Dad—”
“Just go to bed, Joshua.” Dad sounded tired. Defeated. “We’ll deal with this tomorrow.” He flipped a page in his Bible. “And be sure to stop by the bathroom on the way to bed. You look like you were attacked by a box of crayons.”
I tried to walk calmly, smoothly, out of the kitchen, but as soon as I was a safe distance away, I flew to the bathroom.
My mouth dropped open as I stared at myself in the mirror. I did look like I had been attacked by crayons.
Purple, lip-shaped crayons.
chapter 12
It was barely six o’clock when Dad opened my bedroom door the next morning. “I’m going to the driving range,” he said, his gaze focused on the floor. “Be ready by the time I get back.”
Then he shut the door, and a few minutes later, I heard him pulling out of the garage.
If Dad had taken a second to look at me, he would have seen that I was awake and fully dressed. I had spent most of the night tossing and turning, thinking about how I had managed to disappoint both Madeline and my father. I couldn’t be the guy either one of them wanted me to be.
Dad returned about an hour later, and we headed to Bea’s Diner for breakfast. We remained silent for most of our meal, with nothing but the occasional clink of our forks against our plates to break the silence. He spent most of his time staring at his plate, but every so often he’d glance at me, the dark circles under his eyes heavy and sad.
“It’s not what you think,” I finally said.
Dad settled into the cushions on his side of the booth.
“So tell me, Joshua, what am I supposed to think? If your son snuck into the house at almost midnight with lipstick smeared across his face, what would you think?”
“I wasn’t sneaking into the house.”
“Oh, I see. So that makes it better.” He took a sip of his coffee, and I did the same. This stuff was crap compared to what Madeline usually served.
“Nothing happened. We just kissed a little.” I dumped more sugar into my coffee. “I should have told you and Mom that I was taking Madeline to the party. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sure that nothing did happen, but that’s not the point. The Bible says to abstain from the appearance of all sin. You can’t just do what you want to do, whenever you want to do it. You’re a role model—not only to the youth in the church, but to the kids at your school, the kids in the community. Even a lot of adults look up to you.”
“But I never asked for anyone to look up to me.”
“Neither did Moses. Or Abraham,” he said. “I know it’s not fair, but you have to set the example. The church needs you to be strong. I need you to be strong.”
Dad had been saying the same thing since I could walk—how I was called to lead, to be an example of God’s glory. But that was easy for Dad to say—he didn’t have to pretend to be friends with all these people who supposedly looked up to me. He didn’t have to struggle to find things to talk about with the youth group.
“You keep talking about what everyone else needs, but what about Madeline?” I asked. “What about what she needs?”
Dad poured cream into his coffee and slowly stirred. “Over the past few days, I’ve made a few calls—done some checking up on Madeline’s father like you asked. And there’s no hint of him abusing her in any way. I also called him this morning and asked him outright. Of course, he denied everything, and was understandably upset when I broached the subject.”
“But that doesn’t mean he didn’t do anything.”
Dad drank some coffee. “Did Madeline ever tell you why her father refused to pay her tuition to Brown?”
“He hates her, that’s why.”
He shook his head. “Madeline got kicked out of her prep school. She was caught with a boy and with drugs in her dorm room.”
I shifted in my seat. “Everyone makes mistakes—”
“The drugs were in plain sight on her dresser, she and the boy were drunk, and they were…in a very compromising position.”
Dad might as well have doused me with lighter fluid and set me ablaze. He watched me, looking for a chink in my armor. I did my best to look stoic, but I knew he could see that my insides were crumbling. I just wasn’t sure if I was shocked or jealous.
“Why are you telling me this? If anything, this just proves she needs help. And it doesn’t mean her father isn’t lying!”
“I agree. But you’re not in any position to help her.”
“But—”
“You need to be realistic.” Dad set his mug back down on the table, hard enough for some of the coffee to splash out. “Can you honestly sit there and say that you’re not attracted to her? That you don’t want to be more than just friends? That you don’t want what she’s probably very willing to offer?”
I immediately thought back to the warmth of Madeline’s lips on mine, the taste of tequila on her tongue.
“I’m not sure what happened to Madeline to cause her to change, but your mother is right,” he continued. “She isn’t someone you should be associating with. She’s dangerous.”
“So what? I’m supposed to just stop talking to her? Just like that?”
Dad nodded. “I wish I could tell you something different, but this is bigger than her. Sometimes the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”
He pulled his wallet out of his pocket and dropped a few bills onto the table. My plate was still full, but I had long ago lost my appetite.
He patted me on the shoulder as we headed to the car. “I don’t think Madeline’s beyond salvation,” he said. “But you have to trust me and your mother on this. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.”
And that was when I knew Dad was wrong. Because when Mom and Dad and everyone else saw Madeline, all they saw was the girl with the bad attitude and sexy body who didn’t care about her faith or her family or even herself. The girl who threatened to sway me from the path of the righteous.
But when I saw Madeline, I saw a girl who prayed before every meal. A girl whose eyes shone with sadness every time her father was mentioned. A girl who desperately needed someone to tell her she was good.
I saw a girl who was asking—no, begging—for someone to help her.
“So no more trips to the coffee shop,” Dad said as we got into the car. “You’ll leave her alone, right?”
I slammed the door shut and looked out the window so he wouldn’t have to see me lie. “Right.”
* * *
Dad dropped me off at home before leaving for a meeting at church. As soon as he disappeared down the street, I jumped into my car and headed in the opposite direction.
I had to talk to Madeline, face to face.
I wanted to tell her how much I liked her and how much I enjoyed hanging out with her last night.
I needed her to see that I wasn’t an idiotic jerk who went around groping girls, trying to get them into bed.
She had to understand—it didn’t matter what anyone else said or what had happened in her past. She was beautiful and funny and brilliant, and I’d gladly drink all the coffee in Conway if it meant I could see her every day.
But when she opened the door, the words I intended to say got stuck in my throat.
“I hoped it would be you,” she said. She shielded her eyes as she looked at me. The sun outside was a floodlight compared to the darkness of the house.
“I know I should have called first….”
“No, it’s okay. I was supposed to go into work first thing this morning, but I called in and switched to an afternoon shift. I had too much on my mind; I didn’t want to be surrounded by a lot of people.”
“If you want, I can come back later.”
She shook her head. “I’ve got to head to work in about an hour. Plus, we have a lot to talk about. That’s why you’re here, right?”
I nodded as I stepped out of the sunlight and into the house. Madeline led me down a dim hallway and pushed a door open.
“I hope you don’t mind talking in my room,” she said. “We only keep the air-conditioning on in the rooms back here.”
I looked around. “I’ve never been in a girl’s bedroom before.”
“I hate this room—especially these bland white walls. It reminds me of a hospital.” Madeline gave off a dry, nervous laugh. “I want to paint the room purple, but Aunt Gwen won’t let me. Actually, since my dad owns the house, I guess he’s the one who won’t let me paint.” Madeline brought her hand to her mouth and chewed on her thumbnail. Her other fingernails already looked like they had been duly gnawed on.
“I really enjoyed last night,” I said.
Madeline stopped chewing on her thumbnail long enough to smile. “Me too,” she said. “But I think one date’s all we’re going to get.”
I watched her go back to work on her thumbnail. “Madeline, if this is about the way I acted last night, I’m sorry.”
“My mom called me this morning. She told me your dad called my dad to get the skinny on me.” She moved her hand away from her mouth. “I heard that you thought I might have been abused.”
“It’s just…you hate your father so much….”
“Don’t worry, he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s not his fault I’m so screwed up.” She smirked. “What else did your dad find out about me?”
“Nothing of importance.”
“Exodus, chapter sixteen, verse twenty: ‘Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.’” She swept her bangs to the side of her face. “Your dad told you about how I got kicked out of school, right?”
I nodded.
“Maybe now you’ll wise up and stop hanging out with me.”
“But Madeline, I don’t want to stop seeing you.” I walked over to her, the scent of vanilla intensifying with each step. “I mean, I know I’m not like the other guys you’ve dated.”
“And maybe that’s what I like about you.” She turned away from me and stared at the top of her desk, which was covered in books. The yellow rose I had given her sat in a small plastic cup.
“What are we doing?” She spun back around. “Are you looking for a girlfriend or is this just about sex?”
I held up my hand like I was taking a pledge. “Sex is the farthest thing from my mind.” She rolled her eyes.
“Okay, maybe not the farthest thing.” I sat down on the corner of her bed. “I mean, I like kissing you. But I don’t want to have sex. I just got carried away last night.”
“Joshua, I promise, I didn’t let you do anything I didn’t want you to do.” She smiled, and I knew she was telling the truth. “But you have to realize, if we keep on doing the things we’re doing, we’re bound to end up having sex.”
“I dated Jenn for over a year, and I didn’t have sex with her.”
Madeline planted her hands on her hips. “And do I look like Jenn?”
Okay, she had me on that one.
She leaned against her desk and stared at her bare feet. “I’m afraid the more you hang around me, the more I’ll corrupt you.”
“Corrupt me?” I forced myself to laugh. “Please. I’m still the same old Joshua.”
“But I’m not the same old Maddie.” She took in a big gulp of air, and took even longer breathing it out. “I was fifteen when it happened.”
I was almost stupid enough to ask what “it” was, until it dawned on me.
“Dad and I had just gotten into another fight. It all started because he wouldn’t let me go to some stupid party that night.” She kept her gaze on her feet. “He said that with the way I was built, every boy at the party would be trying to get into my pants.”
I thought again about how I had groped her, and I wanted to die. “Your dad was probably right.”
“I can’t live my life worrying about what other people think about me. If that was the case, I’d never leave my room.” Madeline balled her hand into a fist and pounded her palm. “I mean, come on. It was a school dance. He acted like I was joining a harem.”
“So you decided to go anyway?”
“Damn right. I went to that party, found my boyfriend, and took off with him. Dad had been accusing me of sleeping with Carlos for months. That night I decided to prove him right.”
Now I had to turn away from her. “Madeline…”
“Don’t worry, it was nice and romantic. His car seats were real leather, not that cheap vinyl that leaves rubber marks on your back.” She shrugged. “Anyway, after it all went down, he did what all guys do—he told his friends. And they told their friends. And I got a reputation.” She ran her fingers through her hair. “Maybe I started believing all the rumors, because the next thing I knew, I was jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend.”
“You don’t have to tell me your entire past. I don’t care.” I wasn’t lying; I really didn’t care. I could take Madeline with all her baggage. I just didn’t want to know about it.
“I’m only giving you the highlights. This is in no way my entire history,” she said. “When Dad finally got fed up with me, he shipped me off to Trinity Christian Academy. That’s where I met Jeremy. He was a genius, but he had a little problem with marijuana. And in the process of dating him, I developed a little problem with marijuana as well.”
“You became a drug addict?”
“You’ve been watching too many after-school specials. All I did was smoke a little weed. I never did any of the harsher stuff. I may be reckless, but I’m not an idiot.” She sighed. “But then again, you have to be pretty stupid to get caught with drugs, alcohol, and a half-naked boy in your dorm room.”
I rose from the bed. “I think I’ve heard enough.”
“But I haven’t even gotten to the part about all the lewd sex acts.”
“That’s not funny.” I walked to the opposite side of the room.
“See, this is why we can’t be together,” she said. “I have a history. A bad history.”
“But I can help you—”
“There you go, using your ‘thou shalt save the unholy’ voice.” She hugged herself. “I like me just the way I am.”
“That’s not how you sounded last night.”
“I was drunk. I say a lot of stupid things when I’ve been drinking.”
We stood silent for a few moments, neither of us moving. Madeline chewed on the inside of her cheek while I gritted my teeth. I heard the ticking of her wristwatch all the way across the room.
“You’d better go,” she finally said.
“You know, you say that a lot. You’re always kicking me out.”
“Maybe this time you’ll get the point and stay away.”
More silence. More ticking. No movement.
“My life is pretty complicated,” Madeline said. “I don’t need someone swooping in and screwing everything up. I don’t need a savior.”
“I promise, I’m not trying to force you into going back to church or anything like that,” I said. “I just want to be your friend. That’s all.”
Madeline laughed. “Don’t you get it? Girls like me can’t be ‘just friends’ with guys.”
“But Madeline—”
“I’ve got to get ready for work.” She opened her bedroom door. “Do you mind letting yourself out?”
I shook my head and headed toward the door. As I passed by her, I paused. “You’re a good person, Madeline.
“That depends on your definition of good.” She pecked my cheek, then patted it. “Thanks for understanding.”
I don’t understand, I wanted to scream. But I didn’t. I didn’t even mumble. I just walked out of her house. I was even sure to lock the door before I closed it.
chapter 13
Madeline haunted my dreams that night. Every time I closed my eyes, I could hear her voice whispering in my ear, telling me all the things a seventeen-year-old wanted to hear. Obviously, they were not the type of dreams Godfearing Christians should be having. But given what Madeline had told me, I didn’t have to worry about my dreams becoming reality.
