Royal Pain in the Ass, page 5
“I feel like an idiot.” I grumbled.
“I’ll take you to the good shops next,” Christine offered with a wink.
I sighed. Somehow the prospect of more shopping didn’t enthuse me. I wandered over to Ian. “How do I get out?”
Ian laughed. “You don’t.”
“What do I do?”
“You deal with it?”
I turned to Carolynn. “Is it too late to go back to America?”
“Yes, darling. I’m afraid it is.” Carolynn smiled. “This really isn’t your cup of tea, is it dearie?”
“The last time I went shopping for clothes was before I interviewed for a scholarship,” I grumbled. “Now I learn I have a duke for a dad. . . this is weird still.” I sighed. At the next shop we met up with Amelia. Ian gave her a kiss on the cheek, and they held hands but something wasn’t right. “Ian, can I borrow you?”
“Um . . . sure,”
I pulled Ian over to a rack of clothes. “So, who’s the girl who broke your heart?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re in love with someone else,”
“I am not! I love Amelia,”
“I never said you didn’t. I just said you’re in love with someone else.”
“I think you’ve had too much shopping for a day,”
“I think I’ve had too much of whatever Christine is on,” I laughed. “Give me some of that to put in my pipe to smoke and everyone would be happy.”
“Lana, let’s get some lunch,” Ian practically shouted as he stormed back over to Amelia and gave her a long kiss. I noticed Lana was paying exceptional attention to the scarves. Somehow, I just didn’t think scarves were what had her attention. I had a funny feeling I shouldn’t say anything else, so taking Lana’s own advice, for a change, I kept my mouth shut. I meandered over to Christine who was gushing about the new fashions she loved and hated and handed me an armful.
“Want to help me make some outfits?” I offered.
“Sure!” Christine pulled me into a dressing room and I kind of felt like Barbie. She was just dressing me.
“I have a question,”
“What’s that?”
“What’s going on between Lana and Ian?”
“Um . . . ask them?”
I sighed. “You can’t tell me then?”
“It’s not really my place.”
“Can you tell me anything?”
“You look amazing in red.” Christine beamed.
“About them? Like what should I not say?”
Christine looked serious for a moment. “Don’t talk about it. They’re both in denial. It’s cute and sad. Now, let’s talk about something happy, like which shoes we’re going to get to match that top. It really looks stunning on you.”
An hour later we were sitting at a little bistro eating sandwiches the size of my pinky drinking tea. “Anything else, your highnesses?” the waiter asked.
“About fifty more of these?” I asked. The waiter gave me a disgusted look but walked off none the same.
Ian was paying exceptional attention to Amelia who was talking about her cat in great detail. I don’t know about him, but I really don’t care about her having to clip her Himalayan’s claws so he didn’t destroy the antique furniture. Call it a hunch, but I had a funny feeling he was about as interested as I was. I kicked Ian under the table. He scowled at me. “What?”
“Can we run away yet?”
Ian shook his head, but I caught that smile on his face. “No,”
“Christine is in the tinkle palace, Lana is paying everything else attention, Carolynn is arguing with the hostess, and Amelia is so absorbed in herself that if we gave her a mirror I doubt she’d notice if we left.”
“No,” Ian replied flatly after a moment.
I hung my head. “You were my last hope.”
Ian gave me a strange look. “What do you mean?”
“I don’t fit in here. I feel trapped.” Ian looked at me for a long moment.
“Amelia, darling, Juliet here isn’t feeling well, I think I should take her home. Lana, make sure Christine buys lots of nice things.” Ian grabbed my hand and dragged me out to the limo.
“What?” Lana cried torn between the leaving Ian and Christine still in the bathroom. I guess she figured Christine was the bigger problem because we managed to get away.
Ian sprawled out in the back of the limo. “How old are you?”
“Twenty-one,”
“How long have you been here?”
“About a week,”
Ian nodded. “I’ve had twenty-three years to adjust to this sort of thing. It takes time. It’s not going to happen overnight. Some of it will be scary. Just go with it.”
“Where are we going?”
“To my other little sister’s house.”
“I thought Christine was your only sister?”
“Let’s just say we adopted her, sort of.”
We pulled up to a large manor. I thought the Eastgate estate was huge. It was a pebble in comparison.
“IAN!” came a sing-song voice as Ian was tackled as soon as he got out of the limo. “I got your text. We have a new member of the family? You didn’t knock someone up did you, you naughty boy?” this girl laughed who seemed right at home atop Ian.
Ian shook his head laughing. “No way Fiore, you’re next to bear an heir.” His laugh sounded warm, and somehow it didn’t seem like something he did often enough.
“Don’t jinx me!” Fiore snapped, holding her index fingers up to make a cross. “Hello! I’m Fiore, and you are?” asked this girl. She had dark blonde hair and fair skin.
“I’m Juliet, it’s a pleasure.” I smiled back.
“Oh, you do look like James.” Fiore beamed. She got up off of Ian and circled me as I got out of the limo. I felt like shark bait. “I like you.”
“Thanks?”
“It’s a compliment. Fiore doesn’t like many people off the bat.” Ian teased.
“So, you’re new to the whole royalty spiel?” Fiore asked, focusing all of her attention to me. “I have just the thing!”
Chapter VIII
I felt more comfortable letting Fiore dress me than Christine. Ian had changed into a pair of baggy jeans and a t-shirt and was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses and conductor’s hat. I had on a Ramones t-shirt, a pair of shredded jeans, a pair of bright orange aviator shades and a fedora. Fiore was wearing a purple shirt-dress with black leggings and checkered converse and a top hat.
“The media aren’t allowed on my property for fear I will stab them with one of the antique swords or something equally offensive. But once you leave, you two are on your own. I’ve sent for a car, it’s less conspicuous, I’m leaving in the limo. They’ll probably follow me, if they don’t do the car switcheroo. Good luck, welcome to the chaos. And Ian, come see me soon.” Fiore pulled Ian into a hug and kissed him on the cheek. “Just don’t be stupid.” Fiore warned him before pulling me into a hug. “Good luck.”
We waited about fifteen minutes then got into the car Fiore called.
“It’s not so bad once you get used to it” Ian assured me.
I nodded. “I’m sorry if what I said earlier upset you.”
“You didn’t upset me.”
“Okay. I have this tendency to open mouth insert foot.”
“That must taste lovely,” Ian teased.
“I don’t know what I’m doing here.” I admitted.
“Does anyone?”
“It doesn’t make sense.”
Ian sighed and leaned back into the seat. Ian looked at me. “Would it make you feel better if I said my life didn’t make sense either?”
I shrugged. “Maybe a little.”
Ian looked at the roof of the car then back at me. “I’m torn. I’m the heir to the throne, and as such I have responsibilities. I have to maintain an image, I have to prove to my country and the world that I am worthy of what has been placed upon my shoulders. I have to base every decision on things like that. Do you have any idea how frustrating it is to have someone telling you when and where to be twenty-four seven? Someone telling you what you can wear, what you can eat, who you can talk to, or worse who you can love?”
I shook my head. “I have no idea. I’ve always just kind of done whatever I felt like.” I hung my head. “You’re like something trapped at the zoo. You’re like a tiger, you’re pretty to look at, but you aren’t happy. You want to be out free living as you choose. Not having someone schedule your life for you . . . we’re incognito right now,”
“Yes,”
“Any chance you might want to go exploring?”
“Exploring?”
“Yes, exploring.”
“What would you like to explore?”
“I’ve never been to England, so anything. I haven’t really seen anything other than Eastgate estate. Can’t you show me the sites?”
Ian sighed. “I’m probably going to regret this, but sure.” Ian looked deep in thought for a long moment. “Let’s go to London.”
“Okay.”
“But no one can know who we are.”
I nodded. “Want to use codenames?” I smirked.
Ian rolled his eyes. “What did I just get myself into?”
I smiled. “I’m a great idea.”
Ian’s phone started buzzing and he turned it off. “No more interruptions. I haven’t been out in the city unhassled in ages.”
Ian had the driver stop and we got out on a street corner and he led me by the hand. “Welcome to London.” Ian smiled.
“Can we ride a double decker bus?”
Ian laughed. It was a warm rich sound. It was one of those laughs that just make you want to smile. Again I had a feeling this wasn't a common thing for him. “If you want,”
He let me choose codenames. Today, his name was Silver Duck and I was 0017. I think he was regretting letting me choose now.
“Juliet,”
“Who?” I interrupted.
Ian sighed. “0017?”
“Yes, Silver Duck?”
“Why can’t you call me Ian like a normal person?”
“I’m not normal.”
“That’s for sure.”
“If you want we can go back. I know I’m kind of a lot to handle, especially when you first meet me. I mean, I’m loud, obnoxious, immature, have a tendency to do and say stupid things. I mean, come on, I just told a prince what he will and will not call me and what he will and will not respond to. Who does that?”
Ian laughed. “It’s alright. I haven’t had this much fun in ages.” Ian looked at his watch. “I’m supposed to have a meeting in an hour.”
“I’m sure we can make it back in time.”
Ian shook his head. “I’m already in trouble. I may as well make it worth my while, right?”
I shrugged. “Well then, oh captain, my captain, where to next?”
“How do you like parks?”
“I love the nature stuff.”
“I know just where to take you then.”
Ian led me to a tour bus and we boarded. We played tourist ogling this and that, oohing and ahing at the appropriate moments. Personally, I loved it all. I felt like a kid on Christmas. I was marveling in Queen Mary’s Gardens when I felt something hit my shoulder. I looked up just in time for it to start down pouring. I looked at Ian who kind of looked like a cat thrown in a pool. His shoulders were tense and he looked annoyed.
“You okay?”
“Let’s go get some tea,”
“It’s raining,”
“That’s why we should go get some tea,”
I had a brilliant idea. I felt the smile spreading across my face and shook my head. “Tag! You’re it!” I screamed as I tapped his shoulder and took off.
“HEY!” Ian shoulted chasing after me. “You’re going to get lost!”
“Come and catch me then!”
“Get back here, JULIET!”
“Who? Silver Duck, I think you’re confused.”
“You’ve got rocks for brains!” I was darting through the gardens when I slipped. I fell into the pond. “Juliet, are you alright?”
“I’m not Juliet, Silver Duck. My name is 0017.”
Ian burst out laughing. “Yes, I think you’re just fine.”
“Can I get a hand?”
Ian sighed and offered me his hand. I gave him a swift tug and he landed next to me.
“That was uncalled for.”
“We’re already wet.” I smiled. Ian rolled his eyes, but I saw the smile.
“You two!” we heard an official shout and I started and saw it. My doom.
I froze. “You are not allowed in there.” Shouted a man in a uniform. I wasn’t certain, but I had this funny feeling he was a police officer and I was going to jail.
“Sorry, I slipped,” I mumbled. “My friend here saw me fall and tried to help me up and I’m just such klutz that accidentally knocked him in too.”
“No, you didn’t. We’ve been watching you. Get out of there this instant.”
I hung my head and pulled myself out, and Ian helped me up as he got out too. “We’re terribly sorry about this, gentlemen.” Ian smoothed over.
I kept quiet and tried to look as innocent as possible and let Ian do all the talking. Twenty minutes later we were laughing in the Garden Café waiting for the rain to pass.
“You’re going to get in trouble if you aren’t careful.” Ian warned. “You could have been arrested. I hope you know that.”
I nodded. “I’m not known for the best judgment calls. I have fun ideas, no doubt of that, they’re just not always smart.”
“That I believe.”
“You had fun,”
“I’m soaked to my skin seven miles from home and no one knows where I am. I’m in so much trouble when I get back I don’t even want to think about it.”
“So don’t.”
“I’m pretty sure Lana is either having a brain aneurism or plotting my death. She’s going to be very angry.”
“When was the last time you had fun though,”
“In my line of work, fun isn’t exactly top priority.”
“You don’t have fun in life?”
Ian shook his head. “I didn’t say that, but business has to come first.” He leaned in close and whispered. “Comes with the family and all.”
Ian ran a hand through his hair and shook it off onto me. He’d lost his hat somewhere in the pond. Our sunglasses were sitting on the table and we were just enjoying it until the rain stopped. “I guess we should get going.”
“Probably.” Ian agree, “I’ll call us a car . . . actually, my phone got thrown in a pond. I wonder how that happened?” Ian gave me a scowl.
“Why don’t we call a taxi? We’re still incognito, right Silver Duck? We’ll just play tourist.” Ian’s eyes widened and he paled slightly.
“Give me your hat.” Ian looked around. “We’re in trouble.”
“What?” I looked behind me at the window and there were about a dozen photographers. “Ian . . .”
“Yeah,”
“Uh oh,”
“Uh oh is right.”
Chapter IX
“We are going to have to move quickly and carefully. Have you ever encountered the paparazzi?” Ian asked, his face solemn. I shook my head. “I’m going to lead us to a taxi. Don’t say anything, they will turn it into something malicious. Be silent, don’t make eye contact and I’ll get us out of here.” I nodded. Ian led me by the arm and shoved us through.
“Prince Ian, who is this? Are things over with Amelia?”
“Hey you, is he a good lay?”
“What?” I asked. Eww he was my cousin.
“Shut up, Juliet,” Ian whispered.
“Juliet? Her name’s Juliet?
I felt my other arm grabbed and I was pulled away from Ian. “Who are you and what do you have to say?”
“Where’d he go?”
“JULIET!” Ian was trying to force his way through.
“So tell us, how does it feel to be the other woman?”
“How long have you been seeing each other?”
“We’re not! Eww!”
“Eww? You think he’s gross then?”
“He’s family.”
“Ian you’re into incest?”
Ian covered his face with his hand. “This is my dear cousin, I am still very much with Amelia.”
Ian tried to help me up but I got thrown to the ground. “What the fuck? Watch what you’re doing your stupid cow!” I shouted as I fell on my butt.
“What was that?”
“Mouth like a sailor?”
“American at that?”
Ian grabbed my arm and roughly pulled me to my feet and practically threw me in the cab and jumped in behind me. “Buckingham Palace, now please.”
“Anything you say Your Highness.” The cab driver seemed nice enough.
Ian sighed. “What were you thinking? I told you not to say anything!”
I shrugged. “I’m sorry. My mouth works faster than my brain.” I hung my head. “I kind of have a temper. It makes me stupid, well stupider.”
Ian shook his head. We pulled up to the palace and there were people waiting at the gate. Among them were Lana, and Christine. There was a man with the same blond hair as Christine and Ian’s strong jaw waiting. I had a feeling I was about to have an audience with the king. The paparazzi followed us of course. Ian carefully got out, his face solemn he looked up and froze.
“Where have you been?” Lana hissed.
“Lana, make sure Juliet gets home safely.” Ian ordered. Lana looked taken aback then nodded.
“Okay, but we have to talk later.”
“Much later, I’m pretty sure Father is going to talk to me first.” Ian sighed. He walked up to his father.
“You’re a disgrace.” Was all he hissed before he turned and stormed off. I heard, and I knew we did, but it wasn’t loud enough for the paparazzi to heard. I saw Ian’s face for just a moment before he procured a pleasant mask. He gave everyone a pleasant smile and waved before following his father inside. Christine gave me a sympathetic smile before heading inside herself.
“This way.” Lana led me to a car that was waiting and ushered me inside.
I could feel the tension coming off her in waves. She seemed pale and flustered. Her eyes had a hint of redness and looked a little puffy. I’d guess she’d been crying. After a short while of uncomfortable silence I couldn’t take it anymore.
