“Did you see the text?”

  I furrow my brow and bring my purse around to find my phone. It’s at the bottom of my bag, of course. When I look at the screen, I see some missed calls from my parents, a text from Benny, and one from our RA, Molly. I ignore my parents to read Benny’s first.

  Benson: Hey, send me info for Monday. I’m doing everything I can to be there.

  My heart squeezes in my chest, and I swear, in another life, I would date that guy. It’s just not the right time for us, and that’s okay. Maybe one day in the future. Maybe when the pain and guilt of the abortion aren’t lingering between us. He’s a good dude, but it’s just not the time.

  When I go to the text from Molly, I’m utterly confused.

  “Team meeting?” I ask, looking up at Callie. She shrugs. “Not everyone is here.”

  She nods. “Yeah, someone probably left some trash out or something stupid. I am ready to head to South Carolina, and I know you’re ready to go home at this point.”

  “Sure,” I say offhandedly since that’s the last place I want to go. “Maybe I’ll come home with you for a bit.”

  She nods. “Yeah, you’re more than welcome.”

  I don’t commit, though. More than likely, I’ll go home. Face the music and be bitched at because I chose my life over this fetus. Maybe I need to be bitched at. Maybe I am an awful person. Who the fuck knows? I just want to be done with all this. I throw my bag down, all up in my feelings, and follow Callie out of the room. I don’t say much as I send the address to Benny. He says everything is still up in the air, but he’s going to try his best to be there. I appreciate him immensely. I’m so distracted by our text thread that when I sit down and look up to find Coach in the living room, I’m completely caught off guard.

  What. The. Fuck.

  I can’t breathe, and I feel a full-blown panic attack coming. Coach doesn’t look happy or even his usual unwelcoming self. He just looks pissed. He has his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes dark as he stands beside Molly, eyeing the eight of us that are still here after the third day of finals. Since we have such high GPAs, most don’t need to take their exams, and some even do it virtually. A lot of the girls went to Alaska to take summer jobs, which are mainly the girls who left right after the season ended.

  “Sorry for the abrupt meeting, ladies,” Coach announces. “We have an issue that needs to be addressed, but I want to stress that nothing is allowed to leave this room. We are a family, and we’ll handle this as a family.”

  Oh, fuck me.

  I watch as his and Molly’s gazes fall on Callie and me, and I immediately look away. Surely I’m overthinking this. No one knows. How could they?

  “Five positive pregnancy tests were found in Callie and Cameron’s bathroom.”

  There is a sharp intake of breath around the room, and Callie goes still beside me. I feel her gaze move across my face, and I don’t dare look up.

  “The cleaning lady found them wrapped in pads and stuffed in a box.”

  Jesus, was she searching us?

  “She is trained to look through everything for drugs, in case you’re wondering.”

  Well, okay.

  I feel Callie’s hand move into mine as my eyes start to well up with tears. She laces our fingers together, and I squeeze her hand, so thankful for her support.

  “Callie, are you pregnant?”

  “No,” she answers.

  “Cameron?”

  I can’t answer, nor can I look up. When another teammate, Lana Demile, scoots beside me and takes my other hand, I come undone. She rubs my back, and more and more, I feel my teammates holding me or rubbing my skin. I can’t see; my tears are so heavy and roll down my face with a vengeance. Callie’s cheek presses against mine, and I hiccup a sob. “It’s okay. We’re okay,” she murmurs.

  I swallow hard as I lean into her, needing her support. When I finally look up, my coach and Molly are blurry as I whisper, “Yes.”

  Coach closes his eyes as he looks away, and Molly looks pained. “Oh, Cameron.”

  “My mom thinks my birth control was compromised when I was on those antibiotics last month.”

  Callie, being Callie, continues to rub my back and hold me close. She keeps saying over and over again that “It’s okay,” but we all know it’s not.

  “You know you can’t be on the team pregnant, or take time—” Molly starts, but Coach cuts her off.

  “This is not the time to talk about that. We are here to support our teammate,” he says sternly, and Molly snaps her mouth shut.

  No one says anything for a few moments until Miley Adams asks, “So, what can we do to help you?”

  My lip wobbles as I shrug. “Nothing. I have an appointment on Monday.”

  Callie kisses my cheek. “I’ll go with you.”

  “So will I,” Lana says.

  “Me too,” Molly says, and my heart tightens in my chest.

  “An appointment? I think we mean, do you need help cleaning out your locker?” Shantae Miller says from next to Coach. She sits with Miley, and the look on her face is one of pure disgust. Shantae is a very driven person, very “nothing will hold her back,” and while I am the same, I’m pretty sure she now thinks I’m a piece of trash.

  “For an abortion,” I answer as strongly as I can. “I am in no way ready to be a parent, and neither is the dad.”

  Nothing is said for another moment as everyone processes the seriousness of the situation.

  “So, what you’re saying is, you’re killing your kid because you’re not ready?” Shantae asks, her eyes throwing daggers at me.

  “Miller, that’s uncalled for,” Coach scolds, and she throws her hands out.

  “There are plenty of people who would want that baby,” Shantae throws at me. “You just don’t want to lose your spot on the team.”

  Beside me, Callie goes tight. “And? That’s her choice,” she says loudly. “People who want kids can apply to be a foster parent and get one. The foster care system is overloaded with children. Most with special needs. She is, what, a month?” she asks me, and I nod. “Yeah, the fetus is the size of a grain of rice and can’t even survive on its own. You don’t get to make her feel bad.”

  Shantae holds her hands up. “Whoa, Callie. I get that she is your friend and you have to defend her, but this isn’t someone drinking her almond milk. This is her killing a baby for her gymnastics career.”

  “And?” Lana asks. “It’s her body.”

  Coach throws up his hand, and everyone goes quiet. “This isn’t a debate we are having. It is Cameron’s choice what she does, and we are all going to support her because she is our teammate. You don’t have to agree with her choice, but it’s hers. No one else’s.”

  Molly nods. “Which clinic?”

  I clear my throat, emotionally fucked at this point. “The one in Woodbridge.” I look down at my hands that are held by my teammates, my sisters. “It’s the one that doesn’t have as many protesters, so I’m hoping I can get in without feeling even more like shit.”

  “You’ll get in,” Molly promises, and she sends me a small smile. “And whoever wants to support our teammate will help.”

  Everyone gives sideways glances to Shantae, but I don’t move. Coach clears his throat and says, “Remember, this does not leave this room. It gets out, you’ll have me to deal with.” I close my eyes, completely embarrassed but also thankful for my team. I made a mistake, and instead of being chewed out by my coach, I’m being supported. “All right, clear the room, but not you, Cameron.”

  The girls all hug and kiss me before they leave the room, except Shantae. Coach exhales and then clears his throat once more. “Follow me outside.”

  I do as he asks, and when we’re outside, he crosses his arms once more, not looking me in the eye. “Was the guy an asshole?”

  “Not at all,” I say quickly. “He offered to marry me.”

  He scoffed. “Boys are dumb.”

  “Eh, so are girls.”

  “True,” he says, shaking his head. “You sure? I know what the rules are, but I’d make an exception for you, and I’d make sure you have your scholarship and spot when you get back.”

  I hesitate and really consider his words, but I know the truth. “I don’t want to be a mom yet.”

  “Understandable. I support whatever you want, but I want you to know you have options.”

  I swallow thickly. “Thank you.”

  He gives me an awkward side hug. “Do you want me to go with you?”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t even want you to know.”

  Coach gives me a small smile.

  “I didn’t want it to come back on you at all.”

  He nods. “I’d walk through fire for my girls, so thank you. But I’ll be there if you want me to be.”

  “It’s okay. The girls will go, and the guy is trying to change his schedule to come.”

  “Good to know I don’t have to kill anyone today.” I know he says it to make me smile, but I couldn’t if I tried. Coach flashes a strained smile. “Text me if you need me.”

  “I will.”

  He squeezes my shoulder, and as I watch him head down the pathway toward his car, I am so thankful for him and my team. I am terrified—I probably will be until it’s all over—but I feel a lot better about the choice I’ve made. I found support where I didn’t think I’d have it, and that alone is a powerful feeling.

  Chapter Five

  Cameron

  Monday comes entirely too quickly.

  I feel like I’m all over the place. I’m scared, I’m embarrassed, and I’m sad. I didn’t hear from Benny all weekend, and I hate how much that hurts my feelings. I refuse to text him first because I don’t want to beg him to be there for me. He doesn’t have to be. I let him off since this was what I chose. Maybe he was just being nice but really doesn’t agree with what I am doing. I don’t know, but it’s hard not to think of every single worst-case scenario when it comes to him. It doesn’t even matter; it isn’t like we’re together or ever will be.

  I doubt he’ll ever speak to me again. Not that I blame him.

  I look out the window at where anti-choice protesters hold signs and yell things at the pro-choice supporters across the street from them. My appointment is in thirty minutes and I’m supposed to head inside, but I’m struggling with moving. My heart is coming out of my chest, and I feel so sick to my stomach. Callie, Molly, and Lana are trying their best to make me feel comfortable, but even they know I am freaking out. Hell, I think they’re all freaking out. There isn’t a situation we wanted to be in. I sure as hell wish I weren’t.

  But here I am.

  My mom told me to call her after, even though she spent the morning begging me not to do this. I didn’t tell her what Coach said because then I knew she’d try to talk me out of it. I have to do this. I can’t wait. I already feel the guilt, but I’ve opted in for the counseling through the clinic for women who have abortions. It’s a new program, and I want to make sure I heal right. I don’t want to be fucked up…well, any more than I already am.

  I was told not all the girls could come in with me, only walk with me to the front door since they don’t want a lot of people in the waiting room. Molly, Lana, and Callie are gonna wait to take me home, while the other girls from the team will head back once they walk to the door with me. I feel kind of silly, but after watching the anti-choice protesters go after people coming to the clinic, I’m thankful for the girls. I need them. I know if I’m making this choice, I should be proud and stand tall, but I’m scared. I wish my mom were here. I wish Benny were here.

  I glance at my phone to see if he has texted, but he hasn’t. Not that I’m surprised.

  Hurt? Yeah, for sure.

  “Ready?” Molly asks me, and somehow, I nod.

  She and Lana get out first, but before I can do the same, Callie takes hold of my hand. “You sure?”

  “I’m sure.”

  Callie’s face is so kind and sweet, and she nods before she says, “Then, let’s go.”

  We get out together, and I bring my ball cap lower on my forehead as I glance back at the car with the other girls. When I see Shantae get out, my eyes widen. She locks eyes with me and gives me a curt smile, and a knot forms in my chest.

  She opens her umbrella, just as everyone else does, and comes up to me. “I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be here for you. You are my sister.”

  I feel a twitch in my lip, almost like a sob is fighting to come out, but I can’t allow it to escape. I start crying now, I’ll never stop.

  I look to where I’ve been spotted by the anti-choice crows, and my heart kicks up in speed. I have fought past every fear I’ve ever had. Gymnastics is not easy, and it’s sure as hell scary, but I have never given up. I made this choice. My choice. And I have to own it. I force my shoulders back and my chest up, and then I’m surrounded by my teammates with bright rainbow golf umbrellas. A calmness falls over me as Callie and Molly come shoulder to shoulder with me, and then the rest of the team fills in around me.

  I hear someone say, “We’ll walk on the outside of you guys,” just as we start the long walk up the clinic. I think the parking lot needs to be attached to this place, but I will never be back here. I’ll be surprised if I ever have sex again, to be honest. It’s not worth this pain, the tears, or even the mindfuck all this has caused. I hear people screaming and yelling, but then Callie starts to sing “I Am Woman” by Emmy Meli. Soon, everyone is singing with her, and that’s when the tears start to fall in rivers down my face. I have never felt so loved in my life by a group of girls. This sport is not always kind; it can be very toxic when it comes to the female relationships since everyone is fighting to be on top, but that’s not how it is in college. In college, you’re part of a team. A family. A sisterhood.

  I am so thankful for them.

  I sing along as best as I can, and when people move from in front of me, I find the door is open and a woman is standing there with a clipboard.

  “Name?”

  “Cameron White,” I say as loud as I can since everyone is still singing at the top of their lungs.

  “Okay, Ms. White. Your ride is already inside, waiting.”

  “Huh?” I ask, hooking a thumb to Callie. “She’s here.”

  The nurse gives me a look and then says, “So, Benson Jeannot isn’t your ride?”

  I look past her to see Benny leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. He glances up just as I see him, and he pushes off the wall, looking all big and sexy and protective.

  “Why didn’t you text me you were here?” he asks as he comes to take my hand.

  “I thought you weren’t coming,” I say as he guides me in. I look behind me to find Callie grinning as she waves. She puts her hand to her ear and mouth as if to call her, and I nod as the doors shut.

  “I said I would be here.”

  “But you didn’t text me all weekend.”

  “I wanted to give you space,” he says softly, and then the nurse is asking questions. She hands me an iPad for information, and together, Benny and I sit. His knee is bouncing out of control, almost matching the cadence of my heart. The room is empty and quiet. It’s not as ugly as movies sometimes portray abortion clinics to be. It’s actually really nice and welcoming. Flowers and even a fish tank fill the space where the couches and seats aren’t. I finish the questionnaire on the iPad, and Benny takes it from me to turn in. I watch as they say something to him, and I wipe my eyes when he comes back.

  “What did they say?”

  “They asked if I was the father.”

  “That’s none of their business,” I mutter, and he nods.

  “Yeah.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said I was.”

  We share a look, and something moves in my chest. Before I start crying or fall in love with him, I look away, nodding. We sit for only a second before he asks, “Are you sure?”

  “I am.”

  “Okay. I would be there for you.”

  I only nod, and he wraps an arm around me. I lean my head on his and ask, “Will you still talk to me after this?”

  He doesn’t even hesitate. “Of course, Cam.”

  “So, you don’t hate me?”

  “Never,” he admits. “I’m only worried for you.”

  I close my eyes and cuddle into him. “Thank you for being here.”

  “You don’t need to thank me. I want to be here.”

  We don’t say anything else, and the anxiety of all this is overwhelming. It feels like time is passing slower than ever. I just want this to be over. I want to move on, and I want to forgive myself. I want to never step foot in this place ever again. I want this all to be a distant memory.

  “Cameron White?”

  I’ve never hated my name so much in my life.

  Benny stands before me, and he takes my hand to guide me up. He moves my hair behind my ear and then kisses my lips, surprising the shit out of me. I lean into the kiss, needing it more than I could ever imagine. When he pulls back, our eyes lock, and my heart stops dead in my chest.

  “I’ll be here when you come out.”

  I swallow past my sob and nod. “Okay.”

  I start for the nurse, and his voice follows me. “It’s all going to be okay, Cam. Don’t worry. I’m here.”

  My bottom lip wobbles, and I nod as I head through the door. When it slams behind me, I jump at the noise just as my eyes fall on a sign.

  You can change your mind.

  You have options.

  Ask.

  No matter, it’s your choice.

  I read the words again, and I think the nurse knows what I’m doing, so she gives me a second as I continue to read them, again and again. As the words drown in my tears, I remind myself that I made this choice because what I do with my body is up to me. I have to trust that. I’m still scared, of course. Not of my choice—I know it’s the right one—but of the pain and the fact that I am aborting something I helped make. I never thought I’d have this kind of obstacle to overcome, but I know I will be able to.

 

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