Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon, page 4
"Notellingew old bean, would you mind awfully asking the dear queenie if she wouldn't mind installing some of my swanky new automated chamberpots in her vestibule, instead of the dull devices that she has there at present?"
"Well, old chum, I'll see if I can't put in an advantageous word, what?!"
Leep was despondent that his party, the Storie Party, who were fond of tall tales, were not in favour at the palace, where instead the Ghiws held sway. This was partly due to the chamberpot situation, as whoever held control over the monarch's chamberpots had the key to the nation's business, so to speak. Women, who were not allowed to vote, since how could you expect them to concentrate on such important and weighty undertakings, were hereby allowed to exert some small amount of power and influence by operating the bedpans and chamberpots of the country, and influencing the monarch's decisions as they waited for the famous Royal Wee. Of course, these women were of high class, and mostly advised by their fathers or husbands, who were honourable men, on what matters to suggest to Her Majesty during ablutions. Nonetheless, they did occasionally offer their own suggestions too, and it turns out were rather insightful.
The Duke of Notellingew knocked at the door of the queen's bedchamber and waited patiently. Orla answered with caution.
"What is it now? What do you want?" she snapped.
"I was told that I was to be allowed an audience with the queen!" boomed Notellingew.
"What does she need an entire audience for?! She only wants to speak with you on your own!"
"Well, yes, that will do, woman. It's merely a figure of speech, in any case."
"I don't give two hoots what sort of cases you've been poking about in, just come through quickly, have your say and be swift about it!"
The disgruntled duke bent forwards and entered the inner chamber.
"Your majesty! It is such a delight to see you, and I must say how regal you are looking today. Madam, please hear me out, for I must press you for a personal favour."
"Don't you dare go laying your hands anywhere near me or I'll scream! I've heard all about your fixations with irons and trousers, and I don't mind telling you I don't like the sound of it one bit!"
"It was merely a figure of speech, Your Highness."
"Well, don't you try anything, right? Or I'll have my Trebla on you! What is it, anyway?"
"I must humbly enquire whether you could see fit to replace some of your current chamberpots with a number of new, ahem, implements that would be seen as a more balanced approach to your ablutionary activities in the political, and indeed potty-based, sphere."
"Well I never! The very cheek of it!"
"Both cheeks, invariably, Your Imperious Majestical One."
"Don't go giving me orders about where I should park my regal posterior! I'm the one who gives the go ahead for what constitutes the royal flush round here, and nobody else!"
"It would be seen by the general populace as a sign of goodwill to them and the government that stands in their name."
"Oh, pooh to the people! They can go wash themselves down the drain for all I care!"
"I'll take that as a no then. Mr Leep will be rather displeased, but be that as it may, you are the regent, whatever you say must stand, or sit, depending on what you're up to, or down to."
"Exactly."
- § - § - § - § - § -
Trebor Leep was infuriated by the Queen's snooty response, but not entirely surprised.
"Well, Notellingew, I could well foresee this eventuality, which is why I had another little scheme tucked neatly up my sleeve."
"A dirty handkerchief? Do you want to stifle her with it?"
"No, you imbecilic buffoon and dunderhead! I mean I have an idea! A crafty scheme! These new chamberpots that I have had my men design are no ordinary chamberpots. Oh no, indeed! They're a great deal more complicated. They perform all the necessary requirements for you, including the wiping and the finishing off, and can be programmed to administer all manner of other functions, one of which is to install themselves in a household and cleanse the entire surroundings of 'unwanted' materials, which we can of course select as being the opposing chamberpots, or other unwanted items!"
"Ah ha! You shuddering old renegade, you! This way you can slyly infiltrate the royal influence without anybody ever finding out!"
"Exactly! Cheers, old bean!"
"Odg save the queen - because we certainly won't!"
- § - § - § - § - § -
At the allotted hour, on the allotted day, in the allotted place, a lot was about to happen. Leep had prepared his self-propelling chamberpots to rise up and overthrow the existing bedpans that were in place in the palace, thereby controlling the seat of power. His compatriot Notellingew had issued him with instructions on how to reach the queen's central chamber, and given him some brief military advice should a standing, or indeed sitting, battle ensue.
"We'll wipe the floor with these wet water closets!" jeered Leep, readying his robotic army for release. "On my command, approach! Get ready... commence!"
The set of metallic steam-powered machines moved steadily along, rolling and sliding up the path towards the palace and onwards to the queen's chamber. At the entrance to the palace they slipped past the Gooseeater Guards, who were too busy concentrating on marching to notice the quietly rolling devices slip by.
The chamberpots wove around the palace corridors, navigating them according to the plans and dimensions laid down by Lord Notellingew. As they passed one area, a small, china female figurine twitched and came to life, following the passing devices with her swivelling eyes. When they had disappeared from sight, she rose to her feet mechanically and stomped down the hallway after them, summoning her companions as she went.
At the entrance to the queen's bedchamber, a mechanical marionette standoff took place.
A set of automated dolls that looked like many previous princesses of the realm lined the doorway. These mechanised machines marauded through the royal halls, smashing into one another, pieces and parts spilling and splintering everywhere. It was complete and utter carnage, with crankshafts and cogwheels flying in every direction; some dolls were walking around with no heads and springs popping out, while the mechanised bedpans got dented and destroyed. Hearing the appalling noise, the Gooseeater guards had finally been roused to action. They stormed the passageway, using their large, spiky pikes to stab at the encroaching devices. Leep's bedpan battlers advanced, clashing with the throng of china sentinels and guards.
In the fracas a few of the dolls chased Vitriolica's mother and hapless assistant Lord Saveloy to a high turret, where they were locked away, never to be seen again.
The battle became even fiercer, the savage dolls destroying bedpan after bedpan, while the chomping mechanical pans wrenched off arms, legs and heads from the wretched attackers, causing widespread destruction. Orla, the queen's maid in waiting, stuck her head out of the door to see how things were going. In the heat of the action, it looked as if things were fairly evenly balanced.
"My lady! I fear that we require some back up, quickly!"
The queen looked around, and remembered her prized possession, the sinister clockwork robot that she had created to destroy her father. She found the ornate key that powered it, wound it up as far as it would go, and then released it into the pandemonium.
"Make them pay, my beauty! Make them pay!" she roared at the top of her voice.
The large automaton spun and whirred into the thick of the battle, sending springs and sections of bedpans twirling apart every which way. The grinding crunch of the spinning saw gouged into the copper chamberpots, repelling the oncoming troops and staving off the attack. Finally, the last of Leep's pre-programmed malignant bedpans lay motionless, one solitary wheel spinning out of control.
The attackers were defeated and the rebellion had been quelled. Lord Snydey of the Ghiws was restored as prime minister, for the time being, at least and Leep withdrew to the shadows to make further plans. He took out his aggression on the many servants that he maintained, orphans taken in from the street to serve him and do his bidding, which he claimed was an act of charity. What a nice man, when all's said and done. The queen maintained her position too, quite rightly, and became even more unbending in her iron will.
- § - § - § - § - § -
In 1840 there was a royal wedding, and everybody across the country cheered, as well as a few impertinent folk who also leered, but you always get that at those sort of occasions. It was an eminently enjoyable event for most; the Leepers made certain of that. If you weren't cheering, you'd be beaten with one of their retractable truncheonsticks.
The archbishop of the time, Milliaw Yowley, had written many treatises on etiquette and manners, which he imbued on Queen Vitriolica, and she herself enforced them on her people, with a little help from her new husband, Prince Trebla. It was slightly strange, as if you looked closely, some might say that Trebla's eyes were made of nothing but cold glass, and his skin had a soft, metallic sheen to it, but it was probably nothing.
Everyone had gone chamber potty, and there was more mechanical madness yet to come...
~ ~ ~
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Tom Laimer-Read, Bad Moon E-Zine #1 - New Moon
