You Are (Not) Deadpool, page 1
part #1 of Marvel Multiverse Missions Series
Marvel Multiverse Missions
You Are (Not) Deadpool
“I need your help.” Deadpool looks at you attentively.
Uh-oh. “My help?”
“OK, let me start from the beginning.” He pauses for a moment. “I’m Deadpool. You may have heard of me. I’m kind of a big deal. Fifth spot on the Ranker list of greatest super heroes last time I checked. Would you believe Spider-Man is on the top spot? It’s really depressing. What’s he got that I haven’t – apart from being sticky? Anyhow. It’s me. Surprise! I’m on a really important secret mission, given to me by Daredevil. Or was that part secret too? I’ve got a bad feeling that there is a lot more to it than I know, though. Isn’t there always? So I’m worried about everything going wrong. Did I mention that I used to be an Avenger?”
The day is turning really strange, and it’s only going to get worse…
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First published by Aconyte Books in 2022
ISBN 978 1 83908 152 1
Ebook ISBN 978 1 83908 153 8
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Cover art by David Nakayama • Interior art by Xteve Abanto
Technical assistance by Jonathan Green • Book design by Nick Tyler
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OH, HI THERE!
This is an adventure gamebook. If you don’t know what that is, maybe flick on through the next few pages for a moment, then head back here…
Yep, that’s right, lots of numbered entries. You start at entry 1, but must then decide which numbered entry to turn to next, according to what the text tells you. You do not just plough straight on to read the next page in order. Not because it’s secret, but because it’ll be hella confusing, and we don’t want that. There’s more than enough mayhem incoming as it is.
In this adventure, you take on the role of Deadpool’s semi-willing assistant as he blunders through an action-packed mystery. In addition to helping him make decisions, you are going to need to keep track of some stuff as well as rolling some six-sided dice. So grab paper and pencil, or open up a text file, and track down a six-sider or two.
You have three core statistics in this book: Merc, Mouth, and Focus, represented by numbers. Merc is physical stuff, Mouth is social stuff, and Focus is mental stuff. Easy. They will change a lot over the course of your travels and you’ll use them often, so keep a close eye on them. If a stat goes negative, then it makes your rolls and chances of success worse, and in certain circumstances it might even be game over, so try to stay healthy. As a reward for reading this introduction before diving in, ignore what it tells you at entry 35 – instead, start with each of these statistics at 3. It’s good to be you.
There is also a whole range of secondary qualities you might pick up… {Chaos}, for example. Qualities are always in {capitals in curly brackets}. Secondary qualities start afresh each new time you play, so if the book tells you to take a Quality you haven’t encountered yet, that Quality starts with a score of 1. Keep track of them, because they can seriously change how events unfold. If there’s ever a reference to a bonus awarded by a Quality you don’t currently have, you don’t get that bonus – maybe try to find and acquire that Quality on your adventures.
You’ll also find physical objects you can take with you, and they’re always marked in [Square Brackets] to show they’re special. They might provide bonuses or help with specific situations. Or not. You can have up to five objects at once. After that, to take something new, you must drop (cross off) something you already have. Some objects are used up when you employ them, so must be deleted at that point.
During your adventures, you’re going to run into tests, fights, minigames, and puzzles. They’re all clearly labeled. Just follow the instructions at the time. Oh, and there are also some entries with no obvious link leading to them. The clues on how to find them are in the text, mostly. They’re worth your while to sniff out.
You can get killed, at least fictionally. Terminal mistakes finish with The end. If that happens, your adventure is over. Chalk it up to experience and try again from the start. There are several quite different routes through the book, so you definitely won’t see everything in one play-through anyway.
Lastly, as you progress you’ll be given achievements after certain groovy choices or results. There’s a full list at the end of the book. When you’re given an achievement, tick it off the list – these are good for multiple play-throughs. If you’re reading this in ebook format, you’ll have to keep notes somewhere else.
There are also some super-achievements listed at the end of the book for finishing the adventure with certain objects or qualities in your possession.
And that’s all there is to it. So what are you waiting for? Turn the page!
1
New York City is unusually pleasant this morning. There’s some sun, the humidity is low, and no random local has been rude to you for at least five minutes. You’re walking across Foley Square, heading for that great little bookstore in Tribeca. A whole week of leisure stretches out ahead of you, and there’s a spring in your step for what feels like the first time in months. Even the sight of a red-costumed lunatic lounging along the curving fountain wall like it was some sort of fancy French sofa can’t dent your spirits. New York, right?
Then the lunatic points directly at you. “Hey, you!” His voice is peculiar, like someone with guns forced some Hollywood actress to gargle gravel. “Yeah, you! The one with the teeth!”
Despite yourself, that startles you into… well, it’s not eye contact exactly, because he’s wearing a mask, but you do look into the white fabric in front of his eyes. He instantly rolls off the wall, springs to his feet, and bounds over to you like a puppy. A really big, horrifyingly well-armed puppy. He’s got two swords sticking up from behind his shoulders, a pistol holstered on each hip, a knife strapped to one boot, and something you really hope isn’t an exotic grenade poking out from one of his belt pouches.
Before you even have a chance to start flinching, he’s there, right up in your face. “I do like teeth,” he says, as if sharing a secret with his best friend. “They’re wonderful, really useful. It’s seriously tough without them, and I should know. Agonizing when ripped out.”
“Um,” you manage. Is he threatening you? “Are you threatening me?”
He takes a half-step back. “What? No! I mean, I don’t think so. Would you like me to? I’m not judging.”
“No!” you reply.
He nods. “Thought so. But are you sure? I can be threatening if that’s what you need from
“I don’t think–”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself. I’m absolutely convinced you do! That’s why I need your help.” He looks at you expectantly.
Uh-oh. “My help?”
“OK, let me start from the beginning.” He pauses for a moment. “I’m Deadpool. You may have heard of me. I’m kind of a big deal. Fifth spot on the Ranker list of greatest super heroes last time I checked. Would you believe Spider-Man is on the top spot? It’s really depressing. What’s he got that I haven’t – apart from being sticky? Anyhow. It’s me. Surprise! I’m on a really important secret mission, given to me by Daredevil. Or was that part secret too? I’ve got a bad feeling that there is a lot more to it than I know, though. Isn’t there always? So I’m worried about everything going wrong. Did I mention that I used to be an Avenger?”
Deadpool. Right. He’s not making much sense, but you’ve heard the name. Some sort of mutant mercenary, but on the good side. Usually.
He pauses for a moment, expectantly. You nod, because that seems safest. “I knew you were smart. So I have to find these alien guns that are flooding the city, but I can’t risk being too predictably... me. Not when I don’t know what is going on behind the scenes. What if they expect me? So I’m going to do something completely unpredictable instead. That’s where you come in.”
The day is turning really strange. “Look, um, Deadpool? I’m flattered, I think, but I’m–”
“You’re Number Six. Charmed to meet you. We’re going to do great things together.” He looks over at you. “I’ll keep you safe, I promise.” For the first time, he actually sounds serious. “I really need your help. If I don’t stop these guns getting onto the streets, a lot of people could die. A lot. Are you in?”
You think about it for a moment…
“Sure.” Turn to entry 35.
“Sorry, I can’t.” Turn to entry 213.
2
You came here from entry 112 because you failed miserably at throwing severed heads, right? Right? Right, Ani? Because if you’re just reading straight on from entry 1, you’re doing it completely wrong. Please don’t do it wrong. It’ll get boring really quickly, and then you’ll decide we suck, and that would hurt. You’re a good person, yeah? Of course you are. So if you did just read on from 1, please go back, make a decision, and do it right.
Okay. Phew. They’re gone.
It sucks you couldn’t land the head-toss, but hey, congratulations for being honest enough to admit it!
Deadpool grumbles, but he can’t find any options, so he grabs his swords and hacks his own head clean off. You stare as his body picks his head up, pulls the mask back – oh Lord, the poor, poor man, he is so grotesque – and carefully throws it into the scanner. A swooshy metal walkway joins the two platforms, and you walk across. On the other side, Deadpool’s body pulls the mask back down then jams the head back on its neck. There’s a nasty creak.
“I hope you’re grateful,” he grumbles. “That’s not fun.”
Take -1 Merc and +1 {Discord}. Achievement: Virtue is its Own Reward.
Through the door on the other side, you find a high-tech control room. Most of the equipment is too intimidating to touch, but there is a normal-looking laptop. Deadpool sits at it.
“Wow, this must be brand new: there are eight thousand free apps that are no possible use to anybody. Ah, there’s the browser. It was hiding. Hold on, let me email Weasel.” Fifteen minutes later, Deadpool sits back and shakes his head. “This was a total waste of time. I didn’t even get a kiss. This conspiracy is national, and the alien wasn’t in charge of anything except tech research here. We need to get out of this disappointing pit, go to Boston, and find an Ivy League professor called Hope who runs the Folklore department at Coreham College.”
To scout out Coreham College, turn to 287.
To just go straight there, turn to 148.
3
You managed to pull off both One With Everything and My Best Me in the same run? Wow, dear reader. Wow. Where, we wonder, did you find the time? Oh, it’s certainly possible to do. We admit that. Not very likely, but possible.
So if you’re here honestly, we sincerely congratulate you on some excellent playing. On the other hand, if you’re here, ah, less honestly, we still sincerely congratulate you, this time on some top-notch cheating.
Seriously – for once – we’re not convinced you can meaningfully cheat at a single-player experience. If you’re having fun, you’re doing it right, and don’t let different entries tell you otherwise.
Achievement: Suspiciously Perfect. You may also take a glittering [Pearl], if you wish.
Now press on to 243.
4
You enter the mansion. To your surprise, no one appears to hinder you. Huh. The interior is a bit more modern, but still lovely. “They’re big on flowers,” Deadpool says. “That’s a little rococo for my preferences, but I can see the appeal.”
You touch a chrysanthemum in a slender vase. It’s silk. “Artificial,” you say.
He frowns. “You’re so judgmental, Six-pack. I just prefer cleaner lines.”
As you’re exploring, a haughty-looking white guy in an expensive suit comes out of a meditation room and almost blunders into the pair of you. He looks appalled.
Deadpool leaps into action. “Can you keep a secret?” he demands urgently. The man blinks. “Icelandic separatists have taken over. The Rising Shark. Don’t Google them, you’ll tip them off. They’re going to gas everyone at 10 am, ransom us off, but if we try to evacuate, they’ll kill us. I’ve got to find Broadchurch. Have you seen her?”
“No!”
“Don’t tell anyone,” Deadpool insists, and gently pushes him back into the room.
The man nods, terrified, already reaching for a cell phone. Note the achievement: Come With Me If You Want To Live!
You’ve yet to explore the other wings properly. One is themed with oriental dragons, and the other as a koi carp pond.
To try the dragon wing, turn to 89.
To try the pond wing, turn to 92.
5
You keep your mouth shut as Deadpool nods happily. “Absolutely!”
As dozens of students crowd round to film everything, the fan – his name is Todd – pulls a wickedly sharp, curved dagger from his bag. Why does he even have that? Deadpool leans forward, and Todd smashes the dagger into Deadpool’s left eye socket. Deadpool stifles his groan, bows for the collected screams, then pulls the dagger back out and returns it. “Thanks, Todd! That was refreshing. You really are my best fan.” The crowd goes wild, chanting Deadpool’s name. Take +1 Mouth.
“This is such an amazing day,” Todd babbles. “You have to try the café. It’s incredible.”
“Do you know where we can find Professor Hope?” you put in.
Todd looks crestfallen. “I’m sorry, it’s a big faculty. Try admin or the library? I can take you.”
If you want to keep on to the café, turn to 60.
If you want to try admin, turn to 161.
If you want to try the library, turn to 299.
6
The office looks blandly impersonal, more like a high-end Ikea display room than a space anyone actually works in. There’s a computer terminal on the desk, a neat pile of paperwork, a jacket on the back of the door, and nothing else. Not a coffee mug in sight.
Make a luck test. Roll one die. On a 5 or more: You see a [Security Pass] clipped to the jacket. You may take it if you like.
To go back to the corridor, turn to 149.
To head through a side door to the canteen, turn to 290.
7
Deadpool continues bantering with Weasel, who eventually gives up on trying to concentrate, and says: “Look, there might be a way through from the subway tunnels. I remember a door marked on old maps. Best I can do. Or you can just head to Central Park and improvise.”
