Can't Text This, page 8
With one last glance at Robbie, the employee nods. “If you’ll come with me, please.”
I fall in step behind him, only sparing Robbie one last look before I’m carted off to buy the most uncomfortable shoes in the world because he just had to drag me outside in them.
“Fine. We’ll call it a draw…for now,” Robbie says with a wink.
Stupid charm.
Eight
Monty
Python: I’m not sorry about kissing you again.
Me: I don’t want you to be sorry.
Me: But, I mean, you DID ditch me at the store after YOU made me STEAL. You can be sorry for that.
Python: I’m not sorry for that either. It was funny.
Me: You’re oozing charm right now.
Python: It’s a gift.
Python: I also feel like I should say that I wasn’t stalking you…that much.
Me: I know…I think.
Python: So we agree then? I wasn’t stalking you?
Me: What kind of question is that?
Python: I don’t know. Ignore me. I’m tired. I’ve had a long day.
Me: I saw you three hours ago!
Python: Hey, a lot can happen in three hours!
Me: And what happened that has made you so tired?
Python: I was attacked.
Me: WHAT? When?!
Python: Earlier today. I was minding my own business, just trying to get some work done, and BOOM, attacked.
Me: Attacked how? One of the kids at EP?
Python: No, it wasn’t one of them.
Me: Then who? A parent? TELL ME, ROBBIE. I’m worried!
Python: It was at this store. I was there to pick up a few supplies for EP and I ran into someone who’s…let’s say dangerous to me. Makes me lose my mind and do things I’m not usually prone to doing.
Me: ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
Me: UGH.
Python: Yeah. Dead serious. I was attacked by some redhead who was dressed like she was from the prairie.
Me: I DO NOT DRESS LIKE THAT!
Me: Okay, maybe a little bit.
Python: Stop interrupting! I’m telling a story here.
Python: ANYWAY. There I was, just strolling through the shoe store, doing my thang. Then BAM! She’s talking about how incredibly sexy I am, how much my muscles and tattoos turn her on. I was so stricken by this. I’d never even properly met her before and here she is, lamenting on and on to some poor old woman about my gorgeous body. Talk about awkward.
Me: ROBERT!
Python: SHH! And then, she FORCED me around the store while she tried on shoes. But wait, there’s more! She then DRAGGED me out of the store, using me as a DECOY while she STOLE! GASP!
Me: I hate you.
Python: Oh, it gets better, because she then just threw her legs around my waist and KISSED ME. It got extra awkward when she was caught stealing. I hightailed it outta there as fast as I could.
Me: I’m never texting you again.
Me: Like, ever.
Me: NEVER EVER.
Python: You adore me.
Me: Not even a little bit.
Python: You still mad at me for yesterday?
Me: Yes.
Python: Liar.
Python: Also, I want to see you again.
Me: You JUST saw me yesterday.
Python: I know, but I wasn’t properly prepared for that. I wasn’t on my A game.
Me: THAT wasn’t your A game?
Python: Fuck no. That was like B minus game at best.
Me: Is it sad to admit I’m now a little afraid to see what your A game is?
Python: There’s no reason to be afraid of the python, Monty. 😉
Me: I swear, you have the biggest ego of anyone ever.
Python: Not true. Zach is 100 times worse than I am.
Me: I don’t even know how that’s possible.
Python: Trust me, it is.
Me: I’ll take your word for it.
Me: Though now I REALLY feel like I need to meet this Zach character. He has goats, a giant ego, and says weird things—seems like an interesting guy.
Python: He’s not. Horrible. Worst best friend ever. And ugly to boot.
Me: So you’re madly in love with him then?
Python: Obviously.
Python: He’s kind of amazing. He’s the reason I didn’t completely fall on my ass when I got Holly pregnant. We’d only been friends for a short amount of time, but he was right there with me for everything. Now I can’t get rid of the guy.
Me: I can feel the love through your words.
Me: I promise to never tell him how much you love him.
Python: Good, good. We don’t want rumors flying around that I have feelings and stuff. That’s gross.
Me: Oh stop it. I have a feeling you’re one of those guys who just looks huge and scary but you’re really the biggest teddy bear there is.
Me: I feel like I should change your name in my phone now.
Python: To what? Teddy bear?
Python: WAIT! What do you have my name as now?
Me: Umm…no comment.
Python: No, no, no. You HAVE to tell me now. Them’s the rules.
Me: Are you going to laugh at me?
Python: Yes.
Me: It’s Python.
Python: ARE YOU SHITTING ME?
Python: Proof. I need proof.
Me: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Python: HOLY SHIT. It really is!
Me: Why would I lie about that?
Python: I don’t know. I just didn’t expect that outta you.
Me: What? It was a very clever joke. I mean, it did get me to make out with you and all.
Python: I’m so smooth.
Me: You have something that’s smooth.
Python: God, I wanna kiss you so hard right now for that.
Me: Stop it.
Python: Stop what?
Me: Making me WANT you to kiss me again.
Python: Dammit, Monty.
Me: What?
Python: That didn’t help. At all.
Me: Sorry.
Python: But not sorry, right?
Me: *grins*
Me: Hey, Robbie?
Python: Yeah?
Me: Happy two weeks.
Python: Happy two weeks, Monty.
Python: P.S. I told you it was a real thing.
Me: I take it back.
Python: Too late. No take-backs.
Me: What are these, kindergarten rules?
Python: I’ll trade you my pudding for your cookie.
Python: Oh man. If you’re sick and twisted that could be a really gross joke.
Python: I’m sick and twisted enough as it is.
Me: EW! ROBBIE!
Python: Did you get it? Pudding = love juice and cookie = love canal.
Me: Did you just call my vagina a love canal?
Python: Um, possibly.
Me: Remind me why I still talk to you?
Python: It’s because I’m a good kisser.
Me: Ah, it’s all coming back to me now.
Python: And because you’re secretly turned on by all my perverted comments and my dirty mouth.
Me: I didn’t say that.
Python: You didn’t have to, Monts. I know you.
Me: You can’t possibly know me. We’ve only been texting for like two weeks.
Me: No, wait—LESS than two weeks.
Python: It IS possible to get to know someone via text, you know. Zach and Delia are proof.
Me: How so?
Python: It’s a long story that involves a wrong number, a baby goat, and the nerd who got the girl.
Me: That sounds…odd, but also kind of romantic.
Python: Sure. We’ll go with that.
Me: I bet you’re a closet romantic. You loooooove love and want to fall madly and deeply in love one day.
Python: I’m already madly and deeply in love.
Me: With whom?
Python: It’s…complicated.
Me: How so?
Python: Because this relationship turns me into someone I don’t want to be, makes me become someone I’m ashamed of, and that’s not how relationships should be. It’s forbidden. WE’RE forbidden.
Python: But I guess that adds to the romance, huh?
Me: Okay, so, this started out all cute and fun but now I’m kind of worried.
Python: No, no, don’t be. There’s still plenty of room in my life for you, Monty. Don’t get scared on me now.
Me: *waits impatiently for the punchline*
Python: No punchline. I’m being serious. This forbidden relationship of mine is something I take very seriously. If I don’t, I’ll give in to the temptation, and it never ends in my favor.
Python: You know what, here—I’ll send you a picture of us together.
Python: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: ROBERT CROSS. I HATE YOU.
Python: Keep telling me that and I might actually never start believing you.
Me: You are the literal worst.
Python: Nah, I’m too cute for that.
Me: DONUTS? Donuts are your “forbidden love”?
Python: It’s a very toxic relationship, Monty. TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!
Me: Seriously going to delete your number.
Python: Doubt it. You’re in too deep with me now.
Me: Am not.
Python: Are too.
Python: Hey, Monty?
Me: Ugh. What?
Python: You at least chuckled, right?
Python: Monty? MONTY?
Python: Pft. You totally did.
Nine
Monty
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Python: Royal blue. Why?
Python: Oooh! Are you buying me a present? I love presents! Do you need my clothing size? Shoe size? Dick length? Any other favorites?
Me: Why on earth would I need your wiener length?
Python: Holy shit. Say wiener again, Monty. PLEASE.
Me: No.
Python: I’m going to make you say it next time I see you.
Me: You act like there’s going to be a next time.
Python: Oh, there is. You can only resist me for so long.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Python: Why’d you wanna know my favorite color?
Me: I don’t know. Sometimes it feels like I know too much and nothing about you all at once.
Python: Hey, I told you I sent that picture of me on the toilet by ACCIDENT. It was supposed to go to Zach.
Me: Right, and why do you two send each other bathroom shots again?
Python: It’s a dude thing. You wouldn’t understand.
Me: Sure. Whatever you say.
Python: Do you wanna know some of my other favorites?
Me: Yes! Tell me everything!
Python: Well, you already know my favorite color, food, and comic book hero (or antihero).
Me: Royal blue, donuts, and some dude named Spanky or something. Continue.
Python: I’m going to pretend you didn’t just call him Spanky.
Python: My favorite movie is Waiting. Song is Bohemian Rhapsody. Book is Green Eggs and Ham. TV show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Favorite sport to watch is hockey. Favorite animal is French bulldog.
Python: Go ahead. Judge me.
Me: I have so many comments I’m not sure where to start.
Me: One, I don’t know what Waiting is, but it sounds like a romantic comedy.
Python: No. It’s disgusting and hilarious. There is a little love shit but not enough to make it a gross girl movie.
Me: My bad. How is a Queen song your favorite? I thought you liked that loud, obnoxious music?
Python: Excuse me, Queen is CLASSIC, and the music I like, which I know you enjoyed too, is based on TALENT. Freddie Mercury is the epitome of talent. Queen is lucky to have had him.
Me: I’ll give you that.
Me: I’m not even touching the Dr. Seuss thing.
Python: IT’S A CLASSIC, DAMMIT!
Me: Fine. Explain the Buffy love.
Python: How can you NOT love it? It has everything: a badass crusader who’s a woman, a kickass cast, VAMPIRES, romancy shit, and all kinds of cheesy lines.
Me: I’ve never watched it.
Python: Sometimes, not often, but sometimes, I question why I’m still texting you.
Python: Then I think of how hot you are and it all comes back to me.
Me: You like me for more than my “hotness”.
Python: First, knock that quotes shit off and just own it. Second, yes, obviously.
Me: Favorite hockey team?
Python: Do you watch hockey?
Me: Yes. My family was big on sports.
Python: Red Wings.
Me: Seriously? No! Bruins are where it’s at!
Python: Did we just get divorced before we even got married?
Me: Did you just propose before we’ve even dated?
Python: Hmm…depends on if you’re saying yes or not.
Me: I’m not.
Python: Yikes. Awkward.
Python: Then no.
Python: Aren’t you gonna hate on my favorite animal now? That’s what you’ve been doing, hating on all my favorites.
Me: No. French bulldogs are adorable.
Python: So you’re telling me the way to your heart is through a dog?
Me: No. But also maybe yes. We’ll see.
Me: Also, why don’t you just get one as a pet for your son if you love them so much?
Python: Because I’m a baller on a budget, baby, and those little shits are expensive as fuck.
Me: Well, baller, you better find a bigger budget if you wanna get to my heart.
Me: Oh my gosh! I’m kidding. That felt so dirty to write.
Me: Forgive me.
Python: You’re adorable, Monty. Slightly awkward, but abso-fucking-lutely adorable.
Python: P.S. I’m not buying you a puppy.
Me: It was worth a shot.
Python: So, I did something and now I can’t get rid of it.
Me: What kind of something?
Me: Wait…it? IT?
Me: YOU BOUGHT ME A PUPPY, DIDN’T YOU?
Python: DOWNLOAD ATTACHMENT
Me: Seriously? ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS, ROBBIE? I need to know!!!
Me: He is so cute!
Python: Oh, sorry. Wrong picture. That’s just a photo of the pet I WANTED to get.
Me: …
Me: So you didn’t buy me a puppy?
Python: What? No. I hardly know you. That’d be dumb.
Me: *cries*
Python: Brush it off, Monts. I have something BIG to tell you.
Me: And now I’m scared.
Python: I can’t say I blame you.
Me: Ugh. Stop leaving me in suspense and just get to it already!
Python: I…
Python: Gosh. I just…I don’t even know how to tell you this.
Python: It’s going to change the course of everything.
Me: You’re stalling.
Python: Fine. I…I have crabs.
Me: …
Python: I’m being serious, Monty. I HAVE CRABS.
