How He Really Feels (He Feels Trilogy), page 21
“I am giving up my career for you, and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me that you fucked him when we were broken up.” My eyes met his gaze. I saw anger and pain and, most of all, hurt.
“Nick, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say.” I didn’t know what to do.
“I just need some time to think about this,” he finally said.
I wanted to fight for him, to fight for us. But the look in his eyes told me that he needed space. I just didn’t know if that meant temporarily or permanently. My stomach clenched even tighter. The thought of going home and not having him meet me there brought tears to my eyes; the thought of not sleeping next to him shattered me. “I understand,” I said, turning blindly to exit his office as the tears began brimming over my eyelids and onto my cheeks.
I walked out of the office and to my car. I sat for a moment and let the tears flow. I composed myself, and then I started my car and drove home. Once again, I felt so alone. I was about to call my sister when I realized that she didn’t need my sorrow right now. She was days away from delivering her second child. She had enough going on. I didn’t know where to turn, and I suddenly felt like I had no one.
When I got home, I crawled into bed. I couldn’t face food; I couldn’t focus on television or Facebook or whatever. I just laid in bed, crying, trying to sleep to get away from the pain engulfing me, the grief that I thought I had permanently eliminated from my life. I feared that the short window of horrendous pain I had felt when Nick and I had broken up was back. The thick, black fog was creeping in on me again, and I was scared that I had fucked up the very best thing that had ever happened in my life. I spent the night tossing and turning restlessly.
I finally got out of bed about an hour before my alarm clock was set to go off, and I began the long process of a shower, breakfast, and getting ready. I arrived at work early, my heart beating wildly in my chest as I pulled into my space. I was so nervous about seeing Nick, wondering what he would say. I didn’t see his car in the parking lot yet, to my dismay.
I took the elevator up and walked into the office. I saw Nick’s door slightly ajar, and the light was on. As I passed by, I saw Jen.
“Good morning,” she said sweetly. It made me sick to know that Nick would be spending the day training her. She was so adorable and charming.
“Hi,” I said, plastering on a fake smile and walking past Nick’s office to my desk.
The day moved slowly, and by lunchtime, I still hadn’t seen Nick. I decided to run out a grab a sandwich, hoping that I would run into him in the hallway or somewhere. I didn’t see him as I left, and when I walked by his office, the door was shut. Damn, I thought. I couldn’t stand being apart from him, and I had to see him. I had to know his level of anger at me. I had to know if we could make it past this.
I walked to the deli just down the street from the office building, thinking a walk would do me some good. I marched into the shop and walked to the line, ready to order my sandwich and get back to the office. I looked around the little eating area while I was waiting in line, and to my surprise, I saw Nick and Jen. They were deep in conversation, and he didn’t even see me. Tears began to form in the corner of my eyes as I realized what I was missing out on from my stupid mistake. I hoped that it was a blip in the road of our relationship. I couldn’t handle the thought that things could permanently be over between the two of us, especially after I really had lost him for those few days, after I really had thought it was over. In my heart, I knew that Nick just needed time to heal from the hurt of what I had done, what I had left out of our conversations. He knew how much I loved him, and that had to be enough. I couldn’t let myself think about it any other way. If it turned out that it truly was the end; well, I couldn’t think that way. I’d cross that bridge when I got to it.
I ordered my sandwich and paid, and I couldn’t avoid walking by their table to exit the restaurant, as hard as I tried. I didn’t look at them as I walked by, but I could feel Nick’s eyes burning into me as I passed them. I was practically running to get outside.
I returned to the office in record time, and I ate about three bites of my sandwich at my desk before I realized that I couldn’t eat. The day dragged on as I wished that Nick would come by my desk to talk to me, even if it was just about work stuff. He never did.
I spent the night at home, crying and feeling lonelier than I ever had before. This was even worse than before, when I thought that it was over. This was a crazy limbo, a weird place where we weren’t broken up but we weren’t together. When I thought it was truly over, that was painful, but at least I knew it was over. This strange place we were in left me feeling desperate for him. Why wasn’t he calling? What was he thinking? I had a million thoughts running through my head but no answers and nowhere to turn.
Chapter 17
My phone rang shortly after I had finally fallen asleep. My first thought was that it was Nick. In my groggy state, I glanced at the clock. It was 3:42 AM. My heart raced as I glanced at my caller ID. It wasn’t Nick. It was my mom.
“Mom?” I croaked.
“Julianne! Jamie is going into labor.”
“She is?” I asked, confused at being woken from my deep slumber.
“We’re on our way to the hospital. Jamie and Brandon are already there.”
“Who is watching Brady?”
“Brandon took him with. He’s here now, but Dad’s going to stay with him and Charlie at their house after she has the baby.”
“I’ll be there in less than an hour,” I said, pulling myself out of bed as I hung up the phone. I yawned and stretched. I was so happy for my sister, even though my own personal life was in shambles. I was barely hanging on by a thread, wondering if Nick and I were over or if he just needed some time.
I took a quick shower and threw my hair into a bun, and then I grabbed an energy drink that I had in my fridge to try to caffeinate myself before I headed to the hospital. It was about a thirty minute drive from my place, and it gave me plenty of time to plan my next move. I had to let Nick know I wasn’t coming in later that same day since I was going to be with my family, but I didn’t know if I should do that via email or text. I planned it all out in my head, weighing the pros and cons of each. He always had his phone on him, so if I texted him, he would almost have to reply. And if I emailed him, he would reply because he was a professional (even though an email was easier to file away without replying). In the end, I decided to do both.
I arrived at the hospital and prepared myself to shoot off a quick text to Nick. As I sat there staring at my phone, I realized how much I wanted to say to him. But I didn’t have time. I needed to get inside, to be there with my family for the joyous occasion. I had to put aside my sorrow and grief and anxiety and put my family first. So instead of telling him how much I missed him and needed him, I took the direct route.Won’t be in today. Jamie is in labor.
I pulled open my work email on my phone and emailed him the same message:
Nick,
My sister is in labor, so I will be taking the day off to be with my family. I will email HR to let them know, too.
Thanks,
Julianne Becker
Account Consultant
McMillan Marketing
I sent it and realized how incredibly impersonal both messages had been, but I couldn’t deal with that right then. I powered down my phone and headed in to find the maternity wing.
My parents were in the waiting room with my nephew, who was asleep on my dad’s lap.
“Julianne!” my mom practically yelled when she saw me. She ran to me and hugged me, and my dad winked and smiled.
We didn’t live far from each other, but I had been so busy of late between my nights and weekends with Nick (and/or Travis) and my busy days at work that I hadn’t seen my family since Christmas, and here it was the first week of February already.
“How’s she doing?” I asked, hugging my mom hard. I had missed her.
“Great! She’s seven centimeters and they’re administering the epidural now,” my mom said.
“Won’t be long then,” I said.
She shook her head, eyes glistening with excitement. She didn’t look bad for just before 5:00 in the morning.
“So what can I do?” I asked, knowing it was a waiting game but excited to be there nonetheless.
“You can distract me for awhile by telling me what’s been going on with you lately,” she smiled, taking my hand and leading me to a chair not far from my dad. I squeezed his hand as I walked by him, trying to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake Brady.
“Well, not much.”
“I haven’t seen you since Christmas. Something’s been keeping you busy. What about this boy you’ve been taking to the cabin?”
I frowned.
“Oh, no, Julianne. What’s wrong?”
“Don’t make me cry, mom. Nothing’s wrong. We’re sort of… in limbo at the moment.”
“What does that mean?”
“It’s a long story.”
“Looks like we’ve got time.”
I filled her in on the basics, leaving out the physical parts. It was tough reliving some of our history as I told my mom about Nick breaking up with me and Travis picking up the pieces, Nick telling me what happened at work and me taking him back, Nick finding out about Travis. “And that’s about it. I haven’t spoken to him since Wednesday when I found Travis in his office. He said he needed space, and he’s been busy training Jen, my new boss, and I’ve only seen him in passing. Mom, I’m so scared that I messed things up with him. I’m so scared that we won’t be able to fix things. And what about Travis? He hates me right now.” Tears filled my eyes as I talked through the entire story and realized the depth of my loss.
“Honey, I’m sure things will be fine. What’s meant to be—”
I cut her off, finishing the old phrase she had said to me through all of my childhood and adolescent dramas: “—will be. I know. And I know it’s meant to be. So I’m trying to wait it out and be patient.”
“So he’s your boss?”
I nodded.
“I guess I didn’t realize that. I knew you worked together. What does he look like?”
“Oh, mom. He’s gorgeous.” I was gushing, but I didn’t care. “He’s tall, maybe 6’3”, and has dark hair that’s always kind of messy but not messy like he didn’t bother; messy like he spent an hour making it look perfect. He’s got these amazing hazel eyes that sometimes look brown and sometimes look green but always look bright and warm. And he looks after himself. He’s in great shape. Actually, I have a photo on my phone,” I said, pulling my phone out and realizing that it was powered down since I was in a hospital. I told her I’d show her later.
“And you’re in love with him?”
I glanced at my mom. “Isn’t it obvious?”
She nodded. “I could see it on your face the second you walked in here,” she said.
“And I’m miserable in this in between place we’re at right now. I can’t take it.”
“He’ll call, baby girl. Just give him the time he needs. If I’ve learned anything about love after being married to your father for thirty-one years, it’s that time heals everything.”
I squeezed my mom’s hand. “Thanks, mom. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And I can’t wait to meet him.”
I smiled sadly. “I hope you get to.”
Just then, Brandon came running down the hall. My mom and I stood, and he hugged me. “Hey, Jules. We’re getting close. Pam, Jules, if you want to, you can come back.”
My sister didn’t want anybody – even Brandon – in the room when she delivered Brady, and it had been a source of jokes since he had been born. She promised us we could be there on the second baby, and we teased her about it constantly. But my mom and I had a secret pact that the birth would be just her and Brandon’s moment. We headed back with him, and I saw my sister. She looked bloated and exhausted, and her normally shiny, silky blond hair was stringy and greasy, but she was absolutely glowing.
“They said the doctor’s coming in a few minutes for delivery,” she panted, chewing on an ice chip. “Want to stay?”
My mom grinned. “Honey, this is yours and Brandon’s time. We’ll be right in the waiting room, waiting for you.”
I smiled and kissed my sister’s forehead. “We love you. Take care of that bun in there and we’ll see you soon.”
A nurse came in and a doctor was right behind her, so my mom and I headed back to the waiting room.
“So girl or boy?” I asked my mom.
“I’m thinking girl.”
“Me, too. Did they ever decide on names?”
“Yes, but they wouldn’t tell me.”
“I tried to get it out of her, too, when they had it narrowed down to their top three.”
My mom giggled. “You and your sister are so different.”
“Yeah. For one, she can hold onto a man.” I sighed.
“Stop it, Julianne. I just mean that you wouldn’t be able to keep it a secret from me.”
“You’re right.”
We chatted excitedly about the new arrival, and even though I was lost in the moment, I couldn’t get Nick off my mind.
It wasn’t long before Brandon came running back out, a huge smile on his face. He was glowing, too. “Come meet your newest family member.” My dad handed the still-sleeping Brady off to Brandon.
We walked into Jamie’s room to find her cradling a baby wrapped in a pink blanket. She smiled up at us, totally spent. “Meet your new granddaughter, Hadley Rose,” she said, radiance exuding from her as she handed the baby to my mom.
My mom started crying, of course, as she kissed Jamie’s forehead and held the baby.
“I love the name,” I raved.
“It was between Hadley and Mila. When she came out, she looked like a Hadley,” Brandon said excitedly.
“She’s gorgeous,” my mom said. “She has your nose, Jamie.” My dad looked at the baby, quiet as usual but happy for the new addition. The only thing missing from this beautiful family scene was the man in my own life.
My mom handed my new niece over to me, and I held her and stared at her quietly sleeping. She was so tiny. I held Brady when he was just a few minutes old, too, but I didn’t remember him being quite as small.
“She’s adorable,” I said. “How much does she weigh?”
“Seven pounds, two ounces,” Brandon proudly announced.
“She’s perfect.” I couldn’t stop staring at her, a tangible being that was the result of the love between my sister and brother-in-law. I wanted one. I wanted a relationship where I was with a person who would love me for the rest of my life. I wanted to feel that love that would never end. I wanted to create a life out of that love. And I knew that Nick was the person I was meant to do that with; I just needed him to realize it. My mother’s words from earlier came back to me: “Give him the time he needs.” I had to do that, but I needed to see him. It had been two days since we had last spoken, and I could no longer stand being away from him. I couldn’t take the confusion and the unknown for one second longer. I had to see him, or at least hear his voice.
I handed my brand new niece back to my sister with tears in my eyes. “I’m so happy for you two,” I said, my voice breaking as the tears started. And this started my sister, and then my mom again, and the three of us cried together.
The nurse came in insisting that Jamie needed her rest, as did Hadley, so my mom and I left for the cafeteria while my dad took Brady back to Jamie and Brandon’s house. It was a little after 11:00 by then, and I was famished. I also realized that Nick must have received my text and email by that point, so once we were down in the cafeteria and had gotten our food, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and powered it back on. I had one new text, and my heart raced as I opened it and saw that it was from Nick. The time stamp read 5:12 AM, so he must have responded just after he had received my text. My mind raced as I immediately hoped it was some declaration of love, or at least some indication that we would talk soon, but when the text finally loaded, I was disappointed to find that it was as impersonal as my own text had been:Congrats.
That was it? Two days of silence and that’s all I got? And now I had a weekend ahead of me so I wouldn’t even get to attempt to see him at work the next day.
I checked my email next, and there was a reply from Nick. My heart raced once again, even though I knew that he wouldn’t send anything personal over work email.
Julianne,
Thanks for the email. I hope all goes well with your sister.
Don’t worry about HR; I will forward your email. Congratulations on being an aunt (again).
Nicholas Matthews
Marketing Executive
McMillan Marketing
The email was time stamped at 9:42, and I knew he always got to work before 9:00. It made me wonder how long he stared at my email before replying, how long he had taken to compose his impersonal message. Or maybe he hadn’t given it a second thought because he was too busy with perky Jen. Ugh.
I thought about texting Travis to let him know that Jamie had delivered the baby, but I was just so mad at him. I blamed him for the situation I was in, even though it was irrational and silly. It was my own fault, but it felt good to blame someone else.
Ultimately Travis was family and he deserved to know. So finally I texted him:Jamie had the baby. It’s a girl – Hadley Rose.
I thought about adding how much I missed him, because I did. Even though I was so angry with him for what he had done, ultimately he was my best friend, and I missed that friendship. But whatever bond we shared was broken at the moment, and as mad as I was at him, he had to be just as hurt with how I had handled everything.
I just wanted things to be back the way they had been, before Nick and I had broken up and before Travis’s untimely declaration of love. Everything had been perfect back then, and now… now I was here, in this miserable state, pretending like everything was fine in front of my family when I felt so completely broken inside.
