Temporary Husband, page 15
'I offered to waive his debts to me and to support your mother financially for the rest of her life, if he gave his consent to our marriage. The rest you know. In France I found it more and more difficult to keep away from you. When you offered me… what I wanted so badly, all my experience deserted me. I feared I might actually lose control and hurt you in my desperate desire for you. And then I found you passionate and responsive beyond my wildest dreams,' he said huskily. 'With you I found a joy and closeness I had never known.'
He cleared his throat. 'In the morning I left you sleeping and rushed out to re-arrange my work schedule, determined to take you on a real honeymoon, to make time to be alone with you.'
There was a long pause and Kate held her breath, willing him to go on.
'When I came back to find you gone… I went a little mad, and the months that followed were the worst I'd… ever lived through. By the time we met again, I was desperate, frantic to keep you with me. So I bullied and threatened.' He turned and looked down at her.
'And that, too, went wrong, didn't it?' he asked wryly.
As he finished Kate sat bemused, caught in a web of words and feelings that seemed to pound in her bloodstream, making it difficult to think. What did it all mean? Still she didn't really know any more of his feelings for her. There had been no mention of love. So did he expect her to return to the polite sterile marriage she had left?
Carefully avoiding his eyes, she got up and walked to the window, looking out rather blindly at the frosted lawns of the gardens below. Eventually she spoke.
'If I came back now, Blake, how long do you think it would take you to get me out of your system, to rid yourself of your sexual obsession?'
When he didn't reply, she turned round to face him. His face was strangely grey and drawn, his eyes dark with pain.
'You haven't understood have you?' he asked tautly.
'I think I have,' she said carefully, her voice controlled, her face empty of expression. 'For several years you've suffered from some kind of… obsession about me, and you want me back till that has run its course.'
She watched him swallow hard, his jaw clenched as he strove for control, and she waited, wondering what had made him angry. Suddenly he moved, swivelling away from her, digging his hands deep into his pockets, fists clenched.
'Are you throwing my feelings back into my face… to punish me?' he asked jerkily.
'What feelings, Blake?'
He turned back to her, his eyes blazing with love… pleading for understanding. And she smiled slowly, mistily, her vision blurred with the tears that threatened.
'Say it, Blake.'
'But you know, Kate.'
'Do I?'
'Dammit, I love you. I adore you madly… to distraction.'
'Oh, Blake, you fool,' she said throatily and ran into his outstretched arms. For long minutes they stood close, passions and emotions held in check, only a deep quiet thankfulness in their hold of each other.
At last Blake released her and they settled side by side, their hands linked, their faces radiant.
'Blake why didn't you tell me any of this… long ago?' she asked.
'How could I let you know my feelings when you told me constantly how much you were in love with another man?'
'But later… when I came back, that first night, why didn't you tell me the truth about… you and mother?'
'I knew it would be wrong,' he said painfully. 'You might have believed me, but I think there would have been doubts, always. You had to hear it from her. That's why I went to New York that first morning, to find her.'
Quietly she disentangled herself from his hold and got up, walking away from him, avoiding his eyes as he watched her.
'Why were you so cruel to me… about the baby, Blake? You seemed to hate me. Surely if you loved me we could have mourned the baby together.'
He didn't reply at once.
'It's difficult to explain,' he said heavily. 'I'm not sure I understand it myself. It was such a shock that you could think of having our baby without telling me. It seemed to prove somehow that you didn't love me. And I was hurt. I felt I was bleeding inside, so I lashed out at you in pain and confusion. Can you understand that and forgive me?'
She stood still, looking at him across the room, her face oddly troubled, and he got up to move to her side, taking her hands and placing them palm down against his chest.
'I'm no angel, Kate. And loving you, needing you, won't change that. I am hot-tempered. I do let my passions run away with me sometimes… especially with you, it seems,' he mused, his eyes intent on her face. 'Perhaps in time you can change me, tame me… make me more amenable. Mm…' He kissed her softly. 'You see, you get under my skin. I've been scared at how close you can get to me. That makes me… vulnerable. Do you understand, my lovely one?'
Rather wearily she leaned her head against his chest.
'But loving each other… needing, that's still only part of it for me. What I said earlier about wanting more, that's still true. Marriage for me also means children… a home, a future. And I know that's not in your scheme of things,' she ended miserably.
He stiffened against her. 'And who told you I didn't want a home and children?' he demanded.
She pulled back her head and looked up at him.
'I thought so,' he said after a moment. 'This is more of your mother's mischief, isn't it?'
She nodded, and he pulled her back to the sofa, sitting with his arms round her, tightly, as if he wouldn't let her go ever again.
'For a lot of men,' he explained gently, 'a home and children are of no interest until they meet the one woman with whom it suddenly becomes important. It's true I'd never thought of children till I loved you. But now it's different. I want your children, yours and mine.' He grinned down at her. 'I'd like lots of little girls that look like their mother and will adore me uncritically.' He lifted his hand to her hair, his fingers threading through the heavy silk, gently, adoringly.
'Are you really sure about all this?' she persisted. 'The past weeks you've been so… remote, almost polite…'
'Entirely unlike myself?' he prompted. Seeing the troubled look in her eyes he stopped teasing.
'When you came back to me, darling, you were changed beyond belief. Last year I made love to a wild, passionate girl. I wasn't prepared for a woman, oddly mature, even more desirable. I wanted to show you I could be a husband… considerate, undemanding.' He paused awkwardly and sat up. 'But there was something else. Your mother's words still haunted me. I wasn't sure if you…'
'No,' she interrupted passionately. 'You must have known I couldn't…' Her voice tailed to silence.
'Not even my disgusting animal passions?' He coloured faintly, and their eyes met as both remembered the night of the storm. Reaching up she traced one finger lovingly along the thick brows, down his cheek, to his lips.
'You see,' she said shyly, 'I adore your animal passions. They're such a beautiful match for my own.'
'Mm…' he murmured against her finger. 'I did wonder about that when I got to New York and saw the… lacerations on my back.'
He smiled into her eyes, but she didn't smile back.
'And did anyone else remark on them?' she asked quietly.
'I wonder if you mean what I think,' he said slowly. 'Look at me,' he commanded, putting one hand to her chin, hard fingers turning her face to his scrutiny.
'Even now you haven't really understood how much I love you, have you?' he asked gently. 'Since our marriage there has been no one. Before that there were women, certainly. But in the last years it had become meaningless, leaving me unsatisfied and lonely.' He looked away from her. 'After we made love last year, I couldn't go to another woman.' He looked deeply into her eyes. 'So the answer is no. There was no one to see the marks on my body, and there will not be anyone… ever in the future.'
She reached her hands to his head, pulling him down to her, kissing him, a long lingering kiss of commitment and love, drawing her mouth away from his slowly, reluctantly.
'You see my darling one, there is one advantage in my being older than you. I can control my… needs if necessary. I've never been able to talk to you about this before, but your father had another worry about our marriage. I know your mother has been… pretty devilish in what she did to us. But in a strange way I've always pitied her.' He took her back into his arms. 'You know I loved your father dearly, but your mother didn't have an easy time with him.' She stiffened suddenly. 'Hush, let me finish. He adored her of course. But your mother was a lady with a very high sex drive, and I think your father did not share this. That's why he allowed her to have the… odd affair before she finally left him. But you see, it made him all the more frightened for you. Because I'm so much older, he was afraid you might suffer in the same way.' The colour flushed his face, but he didn't turn away. 'That's another reason I've been… determined you should find satisfaction with me.'
Kate said nothing, her eyes veiled as she tilted her head up at him. Then a mischievous smile lit her face.
'Do I have a strong sex drive?' she asked lightly.
'You are a minx,' her husband said severely.
'Whatever my sex drive, oh lord and master,' she teased, 'I'll have a job keeping up with you.'
'I can promise you at least that you won't be bored. You'll be far too busy. Much of the time you'll be travelling with me. You'll be running our home and having all those daughters…'
'I insist on one son… to adore me,' she interposed.
'Don't interrupt. I'll certainly make sure you have no time for all the men swarming round, trying to take you away from me. I knew last year Earl was only the first.'
'Rubbish,' she said scornfully, 'Earl didn't try anything of the sort.'
'Oh yes? And what was all that canoodling in the dark?'
'Blake… last year… why did you offer me my freedom? If you loved me why were you prepared to let me go?'
He sighed. 'You do go on, don't you? A real glutton for information. I'm not sure I like all this baring of the soul for your inspection.'
'You're not answering my question,' she pointed out.
'Mmm… If you must know, I had no intention of letting you go. I planned to give you a breathing space, to find your feet and— hopefully—to miss me.'
'But you said we wouldn't be meeting again.'
'So I did,' he admitted cheerfully. 'And I meant it. I would probably have waited a good week before I came after you.'
'You're totally unscrupulous, aren't you?' she demanded.
'Yes, I am. And I'm glad you realise it.' He looked down into her face, suddenly serious. 'Where you're concerned, my girl, I'm not even faintly reasonable. My need of you is so strong, my love for you runs so deep, that I could never again go into the… desert of loneliness without you. You're mine and I won't ever let you go,' he finished grimly, his arms tight round her, his face buried in her hair.
Kate sat still in his embrace, a feeling of closeness and a depth of emotion in her heart that was almost frightening in its intensity. She knew suddenly with an overwhelming sense of certainty that she belonged with him… for always.
And then he relaxed and stood up, his face creased into a wide smile of happiness.
'Right, young lady,' he announced, 'I've had quite enough of all your questions. You talk altogether too much, and I'm not all that addicted to words. I prefer action. Come here.'
He stretched out his hands and she took them, reaching up her arms round his neck as he picked her up and carried her through into the bedroom.
Susan Alexander, Temporary Husband
