Backpacking Through Bedlam, page 42
Someone knocking lightly but insistently on my bedroom door dragged me out of the dream, and I opened my eyes on a room now filled with afternoon light. I had, apparently, slept all the way through the morning. Well, that was just great. So much for being productive today. I sat up, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand.
The knocking continued. “Ugh,” I said. “Annie, come in.”
“How’d you know it was me?” She opened the door and stuck her head around the edge, eyeing me critically. “You look like hell.”
“Anyone else would have realized I wasn’t answering for a reason and gone away to let me sleep.”
“You wouldn’t know what to do with yourself if I suddenly developed manners.” She came into the room, sitting down on the foot of my bed. “Brrr, it’s like an icebox in here. Bad dreams?”
“Confusing ones.”
“Why are you so upset? I thought you’d be relieved to know that Sally isn’t dead.”
“I am! I am . . . I just . . . What if she doesn’t like me anymore? For a long time, she was the only person who liked me at all, and then she went away, and what if she’s back and she doesn’t want me?” I knew how pathetic I sounded, but I couldn’t seem to stop. “What if she blames me for whatever happened to her? What if she hates me now?”
“Then she’s a lot less intelligent than you’ve always painted her to be, and to hell with her,” said Annie bluntly. “She wants to be awful to my brother, she can eat a sack of live leeches and choke.”
“Annie!”
“What? You care about her, so I’m willing to give her a shot, but I love you. You’re my brother. I’m not going to sit back and let her hurt you, and I’m not going to let you worry yourself sick about whether she’s going to want to, either. Whatever’s coming is coming, whether you worry about it or not. You’ve always said Sally was smart and tough and loyal. So try to believe that she still is. The mice said Grandma and the others would be coming back. You just try to be in the best shape you can be for when they get here.”
I looked at her. She shrugged. I leaned over and hugged her, fiercely.
“Hey,” she said. “What’s that for?”
“You helped me solve the mystery of where my waffles went and why the mice were making so much noise,” I said, letting her go. “And you’re my sister. For that, you get a hug.”
I didn’t have waffles, and I didn’t have Sally, yet, but I had a home and a family and a place to call my own.
That was maybe even better.
Price Family Field Guide to the Cryptids of North America Updated and Expanded Edition
Aeslin mice (Apodemus sapiens). Sapient, rodent-like cryptids which present as near-identical to non-cryptid field mice. Aeslin mice crave religion, and will attach themselves to “divine figures” selected virtually at random when a new colony is created. They possess perfect recall; each colony maintains a detailed oral history going back to its inception. Origins unknown.
Basilisk (Procompsognathus basilisk). Venomous, feathered saurians approximately the size of a large chicken. This would be bad enough, but thanks to a quirk of evolution, the gaze of a basilisk causes petrification, turning living flesh to stone. Basilisks are not native to North America, but were imported as game animals. By idiots.
Bogeyman (Vestiarium sapiens). The thing in your closet is probably a very pleasant individual who simply has issues with direct sunlight. Probably. Bogeymen are close relatives of the human race; they just happen to be almost purely nocturnal, with excellent night vision, and a fondness for enclosed spaces. They rarely grab the ankles of small children, unless it’s funny.
Chupacabra (Chupacabra sapiens). True to folklore, chupacabra are blood-suckers, with stomachs that do not handle solids well. They are also therianthrope shapeshifters, capable of transforming themselves into human form, which explains why they have never been captured. When cornered, most chupacabra will assume their bipedal shape in self-defense. A surprising number of chupacabra are involved in ballroom dance.
Dragon (Draconem sapiens). Dragons are essentially winged, fire-breathing dinosaurs the size of Greyhound buses. At least, the males are. The females are attractive humanoids who can blend seamlessly into a crowd of supermodels, and outnumber the males twenty to one. Females are capable of parthenogenic reproduction and can sustain their population for centuries without outside help. All dragons, male and female, require gold to live, and collect it constantly.
Ghoul (Herophilus sapiens). The ghoul is an obligate carnivore, incapable of digesting any but the simplest vegetable solids, and prefers humans because of their wide selection of dietary nutrients. Most ghouls are carrion eaters. Ghouls can be easily identified by their teeth, which will be shed and replaced repeatedly over the course of a lifetime.
Hidebehind (Aphanes apokryphos). We don’t really know much about the hidebehinds: no one’s ever seen them. They’re excellent illusionists, and we think they’re bipeds, which means they’re probably mammals. Probably.
Huldra (Hulder sapiens). While the Huldrafolk are technically divided into three distinct subspecies, the most is known about Hulder sapiens skogsfrun, the Huldra of the trees. These hollow-backed hematophages can pass for human when they have to, but prefer to avoid humanity, living in secluded villages throughout Scandinavia. Individual Huldra can live for hundreds of years when left to their own devices. They aren’t innately friendly, but aren’t hostile unless threatened.
Jackalope (Parcervus antelope). Essentially large jackrabbits with antelope antlers, the jackalope is a staple of the American West, and stuffed examples can be found in junk shops and kitschy restaurants all across the country. Most of the taxidermy is fake. Some, however, is not. The jackalope was once extremely common, and has been shot, stuffed, and harried to near-extinction. They’re relatively harmless, and they taste great.
Johrlac (Johrlac psychidolos). Colloquially known as “cuckoos,” the Johrlac are telepathic ambush predators. They appear human, but are internally very different, being cold-blooded and possessing a decentralized circulatory system. This quirk of biology means they can be shot repeatedly in the chest without being killed. Extremely dangerous. All Johrlac are interested in mathematics, sometimes to the point of obsession. Origins unknown; possibly insectile in nature.
Laidly worm (Draconem laidly). Very little is known about these close relatives of the dragons. They present similar but presumably not identical sexual dimorphism; no currently living males have been located.
Lamia (Python lamia). Semi-hominid cryptids with the upper bodies of humans and the lower bodies of snakes. Lamia are members of order Synapsedia, the mammal-like reptiles, and are considered responsible for many of the “great snake” sightings of legend. The sightings not attributed to actual great snakes, that is.
Lesser gorgon (Gorgos euryale). One of three known subspecies of gorgon, the lesser gorgon’s gaze causes short-term paralysis followed by death in anything under five pounds. The bite of the snakes atop their heads will cause paralysis followed by death in anything smaller than an elephant if not treated with the appropriate antivenin. Lesser gorgons tend to be very polite, especially to people who like snakes.
Lilu (Lilu sapiens). Due to the striking dissimilarity of their abilities, male and female Lilu are often treated as two individual species: incubi and succubi. Incubi are empathic; succubi are persuasive telepaths. Both exude strong pheromones inspiring feelings of attraction and lust in the opposite sex. This can be a problem for incubi like our cousin Artie, who mostly wants to be left alone, or succubi like our cousin Elsie, who gets very tired of men hitting on her while she’s trying to flirt with their girlfriends.
Madhura (Homo madhurata). Humanoid cryptids with an affinity for sugar in all forms. Vegetarian. Their presence slows the decay of organic matter, and is usually viewed as lucky by everyone except the local dentist. Madhura are very family-oriented, and are rarely found living on their own. Originally from the Indian subcontinent.
Manananggal (Tanggal geminus). If the manananggal is proof of anything, it is that Nature abhors a logical classification system. We’re reasonably sure the manananggal are mammals; everything else is anyone’s guess. They’re hermaphroditic and capable of splitting their upper and lower bodies, although they are a single entity, and killing the lower half kills the upper half as well. They prefer fetal tissue, or the flesh of newborn infants. They are also venomous, as we have recently discovered. Do not engage if you can help it.
Oread (Nymphae silica). Humanoid cryptids with the approximate skin density of granite. Their actual biological composition is unknown, as no one has ever been able to successfully dissect one. Oreads are extremely strong, and can be dangerous when angered. They seem to have evolved independently across the globe; their common name is from the Greek.
Sasquatch (Gigantopithecus sesquac). These massive native denizens of North America have learned to embrace depilatories and mail-order shoe catalogs. A surprising number make their living as Bigfoot hunters (Bigfeet and Sasquatches are close relatives, and enjoy tormenting each other). They are predominantly vegetarian, and enjoy Canadian television.
Tanuki (Nyctereutes sapiens). Therianthrope shapeshifters from Japan, the tanuki are critically endangered due to the efforts of the Covenant. Despite this, they remain friendly, helpful people, with a naturally gregarious nature which makes it virtually impossible for them to avoid human settlements. Tanuki possess three primary forms—human, raccoon dog, and big-ass scary monster. Pray you never see the third form of the tanuki.
Ukupani (Ukupani sapiens). Aquatic therianthropes native to the warm waters of the Pacific Islands, the Ukupani were believed for centuries to be an all-male species, until Thomas Price sat down with several local fishermen and determined that the abnormally large great white sharks that were often found near Ukupani males were, in actuality, Ukupani females. Female Ukupani can’t shapeshift, but can eat people. Happily. They are as intelligent as their shapeshifting mates, because smart sharks is exactly what the ocean needed.
Wadjet (Naja wadjet). Once worshipped as gods, the male wadjet resembles an enormous cobra, capable of reaching seventeen feet in length when fully mature, while the female wadjet resembles an attractive human female. Wadjet pair-bond young, and must spend extended amounts of time together before puberty in order to become immune to one another’s venom and be able to successfully mate as adults.
Waheela (Waheela sapiens). Therianthrope shapeshifters from the upper portion of North America, the waheela are a solitary race, usually claiming large swaths of territory and defending it to the death from others of their species. Waheela mating season is best described with the term “bloodbath.” Waheela transform into something that looks like a dire bear on steroids. They’re usually not hostile, but it’s best not to push it.
Yong (Draconem alta aqua). The so-called “Korean dragon” shares many qualities with their European relatives. The species demonstrates extreme sexual dimorphism; the males are great serpents, some easily exceeding eighty feet in length, with no wings, but possessing powerful forelimbs with which to catch and keep their prey. The females, meanwhile, appear to be attractive human women of Korean descent, capable of blending easily into a human population. Unlike European dragons, their health is dependent on quartz rather than gold, making it somewhat easier for them to form and maintain their Nests (called “Clutches”).
PLAYLIST:
“Underwater” — Tegan and Sara
“No Body, No Crime” — Taylor Swift
“My Own Private Riot” — Thea Gilmore
“Boom Swagger Boom” — The Murder City Devils
“Glitter & Gold” — Barns Courtney
“Home” — Ookla the Mok
“Mad as Rabbits” — Panic! At the Disco
“Home” — ZZ Ward
“Learn to Do It” — Anastasia: the Musical
“You’re the Radio” — Thea Gilmore
“Stranded” — Plumb
“Lost!” — The Lightning Thief
“New York Torch Song” — The Amazing Devil
“Pity Party” — Melanie Martinez
“Come Back Alive” — Delta Rae
“Two-Player Game” — Be More Chill
“All Will Be Well” — The Gabe Dixon Band
“Leave Luanne” — 35mm
“Hell is for Children” — Halestorm
“War Is the Answer” — Five Finger Death Punch
“Goodbye Cruel World” — Shakespears Sister
“How to Save a Life” — The Fray
“Your Star” — Evanescence
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS:
We have made it past Spelunking Through Hell and into the semi-charted waters on the other side of the book that started it all. Alice and Thomas are back together again, at long last, and now, for the first time, they have to learn what that actually looks like—and whether they can live with each other without someone winding up buried in the woods. It’s going to be an adventure, no matter how it shakes out, and I’m so glad to be moving into this phase of the Price-Healy family’s journey—and to have you all along with me. Your readership means the world, it truly does.
I remain a resident of Seattle, and remain steadfast in my determination to stay put for as long as humanly possible. I like where I live, I like my house and my social circle and my cats and my stuff. So I think I’m good. As I write this, we’re still in the middle of a global pandemic, and that makes me even less likely to roam. I hope you’re all okay with the decision not to include COVID-19 in the InCryptid setting. There was just no logical way to make it work, and unlike the real world, fictional realities do need to hang together narratively. Even ones as ridiculous as this.
2022 saw a bit more travel on my part, as I attended both the World Science Fiction Convention in Chicago (I won two Hugos! I had a five-hour panic attack! On the balance of things, I’ll still call it a good convention, albeit an exhausting one) and the San Diego Comic Convention in, well, San Diego. I was fortunate enough to avoid infection in both locations, and am very glad to have gone.
It’s gratitude time! First and foremost, thanks must be offered to my agent, Diana Fox, without whose tireless efforts in the face of personal adversity this book might never have been finished, much less beaten into a publishable shape. Diana went above and beyond what can be expected of an agent, and I am grateful every day that she was willing to put in the effort to make this book as good as it could possibly be.
Thanks to Chris Mangum, who maintains the code for my website, while Tara O’Shea manages the graphics. The words are all on me, which is why the site is so often out of date. Something’s gotta give, and it’s usually going to be me! Thanks to Terri Ash, who has joined the team as my new personal assistant—if you email through the website I just mentioned, she’s the one who’ll send your mail on to me. She’s essential, and I am very glad she’s here.
Thanks to the team at DAW, and to our new team at Astra, where I hope we will have many long and happy years.
Cat update (I know you all live for these): Thomas is a fine senior gentleman now, and while he has a touch of arthritis, his sweaters help to keep him warm, and I’ve set up cat stairs all over the house so he can still come and go as he pleases. Megara remains roughly as intelligent as bread mold, and is very happy as she is—this is not a cat burdened by the weight of a prodigious intellect! Elsie is healthy, fine, and very opinionated, and would like me to stop writing this and pet her. Tinkerbell is a snotty little diva who knows exactly how pretty she is, and Verity would like to speak to the manager. Of life. (If that all seems familiar, it’s because it is. The cats are stable, which is wonderful.)
And now, gratitude in earnest. Thank you to everyone who reads, reviews, and helps to keep this series going; to Kate, for sharing an Airbnb and keeping me sane, as she always does; to Phil, who knows what he did; to Shawn, for being the best brother a girl could possibly want; to Chris Mangum, for being here even when it’s inconvenient; to Whitney Johnson, for doing a friendship on a regular basis; to Manda Cherry, for a heated car seat and a wonderful friendship; to Michelle Dockrey, for my fabulous new pin board; and to my dearest Amy McNally, for everything. Thanks to the members of all four of my current ongoing D&D games. And to you: thank you, so much, for reading.
Any errors in this book are my own. The errors that aren’t here are the ones that all these people helped me fix. I appreciate it so much.
Let’s go home.
Seanan McGuire, Backpacking Through Bedlam
