Life Ceremony, page 17
Once a character has been defined, it never disappears, as long as its community remains in existence. Whenever I met up with childhood friends, I was still Prez, and with high school friends I was Peabrain, and I was still Princess to college club friends, while emails from my coworkers at the part-time job I did while in college were addressed to Haruo. Now I’d become Mysterious Takahashi. My life continued with these five characters progressing alongside one another.
My boyfriend, Masashi, didn’t know about this. He knew me as Peabrain, since we’d been introduced by high school classmates who said, “It’s about time you found someone good, Peabrain.”
We’d gotten along well. Masashi was a cheerful, pleasant young man who didn’t seem to be two-faced at all. But was that really the case? Maybe, like me, he too was juggling multiple characters in his life. Maybe he was known as a gloomy, moralistic old fogy at work, or a little prince in the neighborhood where he grew up. I had never talked to Masashi about the other four me’s. He’d always believed I was a slightly dumb Peabrain who was easy to get along with.
Aki’s reply came in the next morning. “Okay, I’ll do the speech. I guess I’ll have to.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “So can I come over to yours next weekend to thank you properly and discuss everything?” I wrote.
“Prez, stop being so formal with me, will you? I’ll provide cake, so don’t bring anything with you, okay? Come as Peabrain, please.”
“Yay!!! Thank you!!!” I replied, adding some emojis Peabrain-style.
Aki and I had been friends since elementary school. And she was the only one who knew about my five “characters.”
Back when I was still in college, not long after Reina had stopped coming to the film club, my old friend Aki had also come by chance into the very same restaurant where I worked. I thought it would be the end of our friendship. She, too, would curse me for having a dual personality and being two-faced. But when she saw me talking like a guy, all she said was, “Wow, Prez, you’ve changed!”
Our colleges were nearby, and we came from the same neighborhood, so I started going home with her after work more and more often. Then I summoned my courage and broached the subject.
“Hey, Aki. About my work persona . . .”
“Oh, that. Yeah, I was quite taken aback. But it’s hardly surprising that either of us would have changed since elementary school, is it?” she said, laughing.
“Um, but there’s more,” I said seriously.
“More?”
“That’s not the only one. There are other me’s too.” When I was with Aki, I naturally slipped into the Prez way of speaking.
Aki seemed a bit bewildered, but then she burst out laughing. “Oh, come on, Prez, you’re not exactly Jekyll and Hyde. Aren’t you learning anything at college? It’s just normal for people to develop various personas as they adapt to their surroundings, you know.”
“But I’m probably a bit abnormal. Say what you like, but does everyone have such completely different masks as I do? Is it normal for there to be nothing behind the mask? Doesn’t everyone behave as though there’s a ‘real me’ behind their mask?”
Aki tensed at my seriousness, and for a while she seemed to be thinking.
“Listen, Prez, don’t you think you’re overthinking things? I get the feeling that that seriousness is part of your true nature. But I’m not an expert in psychology, so I don’t really know.”
“So how about checking it out? I’d like you to meet the other me’s.”
“Well, okay . . .”
I took her to a drinking party at the film club. The moment we walked into the izakaya, I called out, “Sorry I’m late! This is my bestest friend, Aki♡” in a voice that was completely different from my usual one, and Aki looked shocked.
“Princess, you’re late! We couldn’t start drinking until you got here, you know!”
“Wow, is that your friend, Princess? She’s gorgeous. Hey, come sit over here!”
I squeezed Aki’s arm and said, “Sure! Come on Aki, let’s go over there.”
I sat next to Aki and clung flirtatiously to her. She was totally bewildered.
Even I didn’t know why I was doing that, but Princess’s speech and behavior had become automatic within me, and I spontaneously responded according to other people’s words and actions.
Afterward I rejected an offer from one of the guys to see us both home, and Aki and I got the last train back together.
“What did you think?” I asked.
“Wow, I was really amazed.”
“As I thought. There’s something weird about me, isn’t there.”
Aki leaned against the handrail in the train, deep in thought for a while. “No . . . I was taken aback, but I also kind of felt that ultimately you’re just doing what humans do.”
“What?” I leaned forward and grabbed her. “Do you really think so?”
“Yeah . . . I was thinking about it all the time as I watched you in the izakaya. It’s pretty extreme, for sure, but if you place the highest priority on making a space feel harmonious, then humans can probably become anything. That’s what I thought seeing you today, Prez.”
“Oh . . .”
“Prez, you’ve always been the sort of kid who’s careful to make the class or whatever go smoothly, haven’t you? Even if you’re called Princess, it doesn’t feel like you’re just trying to be popular and have a good time. It’s like you’re responding to what’s right in front of you. You’re a bit like Palpo.”
“Palpo?”
“Don’t you know what that is? There’s one outside the station—one of those conversation robots you see everywhere these days. It just knows some basic greetings and responds to words, so it doesn’t really feel like having a conversation, and it gets a bit boring after a while. It was popular some time ago.”
“Oh, I see.” I think I got the idea. “Yeah, I guess I’m like Palpo. Maybe I’m a more advanced robot from the future,” I mumbled absently, light-headed from too much sangria.
Aki laughed, hugged my head, and rested it on her shoulder. “Come on, Prez, you’re drunk, aren’t you? Get some sleep,” she said.
“Okay . . .”
“Who’s talking now? Prez? Or Princess? Or Haruo?”
“I don’t know . . .”
“Really? Even you don’t know?”
“I just respond, that’s all. Whoever the person I’m with thinks I am, everything else follows accordingly. I’m not the one who decides who I am . . .”
I heard Aki suck in her breath.
The train was headed for the neighborhood where Prez had grown up. It was pitch-black outside the windows. The train rocked me pleasantly as I sat with my eyes closed, traveling from the place where Princess spent her time to the place where Prez lived.
That weekend I bought some cherries and went to visit Aki in her condominium. She laughed in exasperation and said, “That’s just like you, Prez. I told you not to bother!”
She put the cherries on the table next to the cake she’d prepared, then brought out some tea. “So, Haruka, what are you going to do when you get married to Masashi? You’ll be bringing together all the people who know Prez and Peabrain and Princess and Haruo and Mysterious Takahashi for your wedding, right? Which of them are you going to be at the ceremony?”
“That’s the thing . . .”
When I was alone with Aki, I spoke like Prez. I sighed, and she looked exasperated.
“If all you had to do was make a speech, you could probably get away with it . . . but what about when the two of you have to go around to all the tables at the reception, lighting candles? Will you be changing character at each table? It’s like a horror movie!”
“That’s why I wanted to make it family only. But Masashi has loads of friends, and he won’t hear of having anything less than a big wedding reception and after-party.”
“Well, it’s already decided, so there’s not much you can do about that.”
“What do normal people do? You’re not as bad as I am, but even you said you change character a bit, didn’t you? What period of your life would you take your ‘me’ to your wedding?”
When Aki was little, she was considered a “mature girl,” but at college everyone thought of her as “a fierce, strong-willed, scary woman,” and in the company where she now worked, she was apparently a “soothing elder-sister type.” Maybe everyone changed character, even if not to the extent I did. So how on earth did they act at their wedding or when posting on social media?
“Either you match the self you are with your partner or the self you are with the biggest of your communities . . . I think most people make that out to be their truest self.”
I sighed. How could people unify themselves so easily?
It was the same when friends in my college club pressured me into using social media. My childhood friends, high school classmates, college club buddies, part-time job friends, and my current workplace colleagues were all looking at the same site, having tracked me down somehow, and I had no idea what to write.
I didn’t even know what to choose for my profile icon. A cute and colorful macaroon icon that Princess would choose would look weird to Haruo’s friends, wouldn’t it? And my friends who knew me as Peabrain would be really puzzled by the deep-sea fish icon that was ideal for Mysterious Takahashi.
When I looked at everyone’s pages, they were full of innocent descriptions of the type of food they cooked or the places they’d been. What character had they chosen to do this? I got cold feet and quickly deleted my account.
“From my point of view, they’re the ones who are crazy,” I muttered suddenly.
Aki forced a smile. “I guess everyone becomes the character they want to be on the internet. If you have some kind of ideal of the sort of person you want to be seen as, I think you can easily be drawn into it—on social media too.”
“Anyway, I’ve decided to ask Masashi. I’m fine with fitting in with him as Peabrain for our wedding, but then someone is bound to say something. It’s better to come clean with him up front rather than be called two-faced, right?”
Aki nodded, looking a bit uneasy. “Yeah, I suppose that would be ideal, but . . .”
“Masashi is simple and a good person, so I think he’ll understand.”
Aki smiled. “Oh, I forgot . . . I got you a wedding present. You both like wine, don’t you? I settled on those sparkling wineglasses you said you wanted.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to put you to all that trouble! But thank you, I’m really happy.”
The one who liked sparkling wine was Peabrain. Haruo preferred beer, and Princess often drank sangria. Prez was usually organizing the parties, so she drank only oolong tea or, at most, one glass of lemon sour. Mysterious Takahashi drank shochu or whiskey on the rocks.
Even though the physical body was the same, the type of alcohol had a different effect depending on the character. I knew Aki had made her choice because I was Peabrain when I was with Masashi.
“Thank you,” I said, accepting her gift.
“Actually,” she said somewhat hesitantly, “I have another gift I want to give you.”
“What, another one? You don’t need to go that far!” I said, showing the hesitation typical of Prez.
“It’s been on my mind for ages, although I couldn’t bring myself to give it to you before now. It didn’t cost me anything, so don’t worry about that,” she said with a smile.
That weekend, I was lazing around in the living room when Masashi came in.
“Oh, come on, loafing around again! If you haven’t got anything to do, how about getting started on our wedding plans? Honestly, you’re hopeless, you really are!” he said. “I know we don’t need to get on with the actual preparations for a while yet, but we were supposed to at least try on dresses and sort out the invitations early on, weren’t we?”
I made up my mind. I went to the bedroom, took a file from the bookshelf, went back to the living room, and sat down at the table.
“First, there is something I would like you to choose, Masashi.”
“What’s that? Did the wedding hall people say something?”
“Look, at this point in time, there are five me’s in existence. I can’t choose which one to be by myself. So I want you to choose which one you want.”
Masashi looked as though he had no idea what I was talking about.
“After giving it some thought, I decided it was maybe easiest to explain using the wedding dress. I chose wedding dresses for each me to help you understand. This floaty dress is for Peabrain. This wedding pantsuit is definitely best suited to Haruo. For Princess, I think it has to be this girly dress with lots of lace, and for Prez this traditional dress. And I think this antique dress would be a good fit for Mysterious Takahashi. So which me do you prefer?”
Masashi had been lying on the sofa, but now he sat up, frowning. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Which Masashi will you be at the wedding, Masashi? There isn’t just one of you either, surely? I thought another approach would be for me to match myself to whichever you you are for the wedding. Anyway, once we’ve decided which me will be there, that will settle everything else. The design of the wedding invitation, the color of the bouquet, the type of ring, the color of the tablecloth, the shape of the cake, the gift for guests—everything. Once I know which character to be, I’ll be able to visualize everything else. So I want you to decide which me I should be, Masashi. Then I can get on with everything.”
“What’s up with you, Haruka? Seriously, has something happened?”
Masashi didn’t seem to be following, so I did what I had done with Aki and carefully explained each of my five characters from beginning to end.
“But I guess just explaining it isn’t easy to understand. Maybe I should show you. They actually only exist in their various communities, but I’ll make an exception for you, Masashi. ‘Oi, Masashi. What happened to that beer in the fridge? You drank it, didn’t you? It cost an arm and a leg, that one. You gotta be kidding me!’ That was Haruo. Did that shock you? The tone of voice and way of speaking is totally different, right? ‘Masashi, darling, have you got some scissors? I can’t find mine, and I want to cut the tag off this super cute dress I bought . . .’ That’s Princess. Aki often mimics Princess, doesn’t she? She seems to be the easiest one to copy. ‘Masashi, did you leave the nail clippers somewhere again? They’re supposed to be kept here. I told you, didn’t I? We’re living together, so do keep it together, okay?’ That’s Prez. You’re a bit lazy about things sometimes, Masashi, so maybe this type would be good for you. ‘I’m reading just now, so can you please refrain from talking to me?’ That’s Mysterious Takahashi. So which character would be the easiest to live with? Any of them is fine by me, so if you can choose one, Masashi, I’ll use our wedding to unify myself into her.”
Masashi had gone pale and was staring at me, so Prez explained further. “Think about it. From now on, we’ll be inviting friends over to our new place more often and getting people together for barbecues, won’t we? It’s not just a matter of simply getting through the wedding. That means I have to unify myself. However natural it is for me to adopt the persona for each particular community, everyone else will feel uncomfortable if there is too much inconsistency in my personality. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“No! Who are you? Haruka doesn’t talk like that!”
Masashi was so worked up that Princess gently soothed him. “Come, Masashi, are you okay? Calm down, there’s no need to be scared. You can relax now. Haruka is a bit extreme, but really everyone is a bit like that, aren’t they? Oh, how about a nice cup of hot tea? That’ll help you relax, won’t it, Masashi dear?”
I rubbed his back, but he jumped and pushed my hand away.
“Just who are you? You’ve been deceiving me . . . all this time I’ve been deluded. You were never the real you all along!”
“Don’t you think you’re overreacting a bit?” said Mysterious Takahashi. “After all, you have that side to you too, don’t you? There must be different you’s when you’re with your family, or at work, or with me. You yourself can’t say which is the true Masashi, can you?”
Masashi stood up and fled to the corner of the room.
“Stop running away, dammit!” Haruo told him. “I’m showing you all of me now. Don’t try to escape these revelations. Look, nobody else is ever gonna show you so much of themselves, right? Stop covering your ears, you chicken!”
“Shutupshutupshutup!” Masashi yelled, losing his temper. “Don’t say anything else! I feel like I’m going crazy. Stay away from me. And stop talking!”
He shoved me away and shut himself up in the bedroom. All the characters tried talking to him through the door, but he showed no sign of coming out. I gave up and lay down on the sofa in the living room. I reached out a hand for the bag Peabrain had left lying around.
I hadn’t wanted to use Aki’s wedding gift if I could avoid it, but it turned out that I’d have to after all. I sighed and took a piece of paper out of the bag.
“Here, take this,” Aki had said that day, handing me a résumé on a single sheet of paper.
“What is it?”
“It’s the sixth Haruka. The one I made for you.”
On it was a photo of someone else, not me, and the details of that person’s life and hobbies to date were written up in detail.
“Who is this?”
“A reserve Haruka. Use her if you’re in a fix.”
“A reserve me?”
“Haruka, if you try to unify yourself at your wedding ceremony,” Aki murmured, her expression serious, “everyone is going to want to see the real you. So far we’ve seen only fake Harukas, so show yourself, they’ll say. But you don’t have a ‘self,’ do you? This new Haruka is for just that sort of time. If you show them this sixth version of you, I think they’ll all be satisfied.”
