The Impossible Us, page 1
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Published by Berkley
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Copyright © 2022 by Lotz Writing Factory Ltd.
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Lotz, Sarah, author.
Title: The impossible us / Sarah Lotz.
Description: First edition. | New York: Ace, 2022.
Identifiers: LCCN 2021042010 (print) | LCCN 2021042011 (ebook) | ISBN 9780593436776 (trade paperback) | ISBN 9780593436783 (ebook)
Subjects: LCGFT: Novels.
Classification: LCC PR9369.4.L689 I48 2022 (print) | LCC PR9369.4.L689 (ebook) | DDC 823/.92—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021042010
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2021042011
First Edition: March 2022
Cover design and illustration by Adam Auerbach
Book design by Daniel Brount, adapted for ebook by Maggie Hunt
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
pid_prh_6.0_139458027_c0_r0
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Part One: You Got Mail
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Part Two: Notting Hell
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Part Three: Forces of Nurture
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Part Four: Say Anything (Or Rather, Don’t)
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Bee
Nick
Part Five: Love Actually Sucks
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Part Six: One Wedding and a Funeral
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Part Seven: Crossed Lines
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Bee
Nick
Epilogue: An Affair to Remember
Acknowledgments
About the Author
For my sister-elves Paige Nick and Helen Moffett, whose love and support makes the impossible seem possible
PART ONE:
YOU GOT MAIL
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Listen you tight-fisted pea-brained grouse-shooting tweedy twat, you may own half the fucking countryside but you don’t own me. You think I like hounding you? You think this is fun for me? But if you think I’m just going to lie back and let you screw me over like you no doubt screw over everyone who comes into your entitled orbit of damp lolling spaniels, vintage Land Rovers and Eton-induced PTSD then you’ve got another think coming.
DO THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE IN YOUR BADGER-BAITING FOX-SLAUGHTERING LIFE.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Hi.
You might want to double-check the recipient address. Far as I know, I’ve never owned a Land Rover & have definitely never been to Eton (don’t have the right equipment). Or is this a fiendishly creative scam & you’re using my response to embed malware? If so, you got me. Enjoy!
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Gawd. I’m so bloody sorry. Using a new account and mis-copied the address. Angry fingers. Thanks for replying and letting me know. Sorry you had to read that, whoever you are.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
TBH almost didn’t reply, but that was some impressive Malcolm Tucker-grade cursing you did there, & I was intrigued. Did the intended recipient kill your cat or something?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Worse. Didn’t pay me for work owed. That’s the toned-down version believe it or not. Took out all the “C” words at the last minute. There were a lot of those.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
What kind of work? You don’t have to answer obvs, I’m killing time. Don’t usually strike up conversations with complete strangers I swear!
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
You deserve an answer—I did unintentionally call you a twat. I’m a freelance editor and my tweedy arse of a client commissioned me to edit his novel. Ended up rewriting the thing, pretty much from scratch. Sent it to him 2 months ago. No feedback. No payment. Nada.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Very sorry to hear that. What was the novel about? The Girl in the Grouse Shoot?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
HA! Close! You really want to know?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Sure. You’ll be saving me from the perils of online shopping. I’ve already bought a duvet cover with David Bowie’s face on it that I don’t need.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
You can never have too much Bowie. I’d sleep under him and I’m as straight as they come. Crime novel. Not a bad plot. The remains of a body are unearthed on a country estate. Turns out to be a violent hunt saboteur who went missing in the 80s. Narrated by a landowner who may or may not have killed him . . .
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Well don’t keep me in suspense. DID he kill him?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Yeah. Accidentally on purpose. Like you do when you have guns to hand and the underclass try to mess with your blood sports. Supposed to be morally ambiguous but not sure I pulled that off. Hard to get a reader to root for a main character whose idea of a good time is killing baby animals.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Is it autobiographical? If so, you might want to tone down that message . . .
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Wouldn’t put it past him. Nah. That’s not fair. Said he didn’t do that kind of thing anymore.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
What kind of thing? Hunting or murder?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Both (I hope). Thing is, despite the tweedy twatness, I quite liked him when we met. Old bugger, gen erous with the booze, lives in one of those crumbling stately homes straight out of a period drama about emotionally stunted aristocrats. Said he wanted to write a novel before he died but “didn’t have the time.” They always say that. Worked my arse off on his manuscript, sent it to him and apart from a “thanks, will read asap” haven’t heard a word.
But you don’t want to hear all this.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
I share your pain. Nonpaying Clients From Hell are the freelancers’ curse.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Spoken like a fellow sufferer. What field are you in?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
You’d be doing me a favor the way things are going. If you’re an assassin I might commission you. Only . . . can I pay you in installments?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Ha ha. Nothing that exciting. I’m in fashion. Kind of.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Kind of? Tell me more. Just so you know, my idea of fashion is trousers that aren’t covered in dog hair.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
I’m more of a glorified seamstress. Have a small business repurposing wedding dresses.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
What do you repurpose them into? Shrouds? Doilies?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Sorry. That was rude. I’m a dick. It sounds cool. And e-friendly.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Feel free to take the piss! I do it all the time. Hmm. Shrouds. Hadn’t thought of that. Could start a new line: “Till death us do part.”
I repurpose them into whatever the client wants. “Give the most expensive dress you ever bought a new lease of life” kind of thing. Get a lot of divorcees actually.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Aha. A “fuck you ex-husband/wife” dress?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Exactly. Waiting for a client to pitch for a fitting right now. She’s a bit of a pain in the arse TBH, which is why I was self-medicating with Bowie merchandise.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Tell me more. Misery loves company.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
She can’t make up her mind. Been back 3 times. “I’ve been thinking, can it be asymmetrical? With a peplum? With a jacket maybe? Can we do it in black? No, scratch that, peach?”
Listen to me, whingeing to a stranger. I sound like a total cow. She’s got every right to be fussy. She’s the one paying.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
It’s easier to whinge to a stranger and you’ve already listened to me going on about my own shitty client. Hold on. BRB.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Sorry had to let the dog out. When she needs to go she needs to go.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
What type?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
A shit I think.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
V funny. What type of dog!!!
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Mongrel. Like her owner. Let me know if you need me to write Ms. Peach a strongly worded e-mail. I’ll even throw in a few “C” words for free.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
And I can help you out by badly altering your client’s tweedy suits.
We could be a low-rent version of Strangers on a Train!
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Strangers on a Train?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
The novel? You MUST know it! Movie as well. 2 strangers meet & then decide to kill each other’s enemies or whatever. Patricia Highsmith.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
AH—I know it as Crossed Lines. Must have read the US version. Sometimes they change the titles.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
You’re in the US?
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Nah. Way more glamorous. Leeds.
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
OK the client’s just texted & is on her way. Let me know how it goes with Tweedy Twat, stranger. I have to know how it ends. Also, not for me to say but might be best if you did tone down that message. Never show them that they’ve got to you.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
You’re right. You did me a favor by intercepting it. And let me know how it goes with Ms. Peach.
Shouldn’t we introduce ourselves?
From: Bee1984@gmail.com
To: NB26@zone.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
I’m Bee. You’re N.B.
Strangers on the Interwebs. That way if we ever need each other, we’ll have plausible deniability
She’s here! Wish me luck.
From: NB26@zone.com
To: Bee1984@gmail.com
Subject: What the HELL is wrong with you?
Ok Bee. And thank you. You pulled me out of a dark place today. You really did.
BEE
IT’S ASTOUNDING HOW many red flags there were, right from the start. Strangers on a Train was just the first of many. Would things have been different if we’d been less complacent and picked up on them? Maybe. Maybe that would simply have fast-tracked us into the craziness to come. Maybe one of us would have assumed the other was delusional and walked away. Then there’s this: I still don’t know what made me check that old Gmail account that day. I hadn’t used it for weeks. And who answers random e-mails from strangers? (Idiots, that’s who.)
N.B. was the one who got back in touch first (
