“And now?” Lucas came around the counter and stood in front of James.

  James swallowed hard and looked up at Lucas. “I don’t know what I think. I spent years not thinking of you in that way; you were my partner and I couldn’t allow myself to be attracted to you. But now I sit here and look at you - the eyes, the hair and, God help me, your body, and I wonder how I managed to stay sane as your partner.”

  Lucas pulled James’ face up and leaned down. Their eyes met and he searched James’. “Stop me.” Lucas inched closer to James’ lips. “Stop me, James.”

  James felt his body shaking and he still couldn’t form the word no. Maybe he didn’t want to. His eyes closed just as Lucas’ lips closed over his. A whimper escaped his lips as Lucas’ tongue brushed across his lips and then his mouth opened and Lucas swept inside; a hand threaded into his hair and he was being pulled into the kiss. It was sensual and damn near erotic the way Lucas kissed. James found himself holding onto Lucas’ biceps as the kiss became more heated. He was becoming boneless and sliding down the stool when Lucas finally broke from the kiss.

  Lucas smiled and ran his fingertip over James’ lips. “I always wondered what it would be like to kiss you.”

  “Uh huh.” James nodded.

  “You okay?” Lucas chuckled.

  James nodded again.

  “ Well, I guess that’s a good thing, means I still got it.”

  “When was the last time,” James blushed. “I mean have you ever…well…you know?”

  “Been with a man?” Lucas smiled and grabbed a plate for himself. “Yes, I have, but it’s been years since I’ve had sex.”

  “Years?” James choked on his food.

  Lucas laughed. “Yes, I’m no ho.” Lucas sat down and looked at James. “Look, as much as I’d love to go on this path of selfdiscovery with you, I know in the end I’ll be left heartbroken. I may turn you on, but you don’t love me, James. There is only one man you will ever love.”

  “I could help you out in the sex department.” James waggled his eyebrows.

  “As tempting as that offer is…” Lucas smiled and winked. “Look, let’s just spend some time together, okay? I’m not opposed to seeing if you could develop feelings for me. I’m just not going to jump into bed with you.”

  “Well, that sucks,” James laughed.

  “I do have some self-respect you know. I don’t want to be used.” Lucas took a bite of the paella. “See? Tastes good.”

  “Yes it does, I didn’t realize you knew how to cook.”

  “I didn’t, but then when I went undercover I learned quite a few new talents.” Lucas looked at James. “I swore I’d forget about you when I left and God knows I tried. I just couldn’t be your partner anymore, James. Things got complicated and I couldn’t focus. I didn’t have the heart to say goodbye, I just needed a clean break.”

  “Well you got that didn’t you? Two years you’ve been gone and I had no idea where you went. Believe me, I have access to everything and I still couldn’t find out where you went. I felt like I’d done something wrong. How could you do that to me, Lucas? How could you leave me and not even say shit?”

  “I’m sorry; you’ll never know how much. If I’d known it would hurt you that much I would have said something,” Lucas sighed and ran his hands over his face. “Don’t you think it was killing me to see you day in and day out? I couldn’t tell you how I felt and the more time we spent in close proximity the more I wanted to tell you. You and I both know that having feelings for your partner is like signing your death warrant if shit goes down.”

  James looked at his plate. “I would have talked.” He heard a small gasp and looked up. “To save your life. I would have talked, Lucas.”

  “Don’t say that.” Lucas stood up and grabbed his plate.

  “I can sit here and think I wouldn’t have, but when they started stabbing you,” James closed his eyes. “I wanted to tell them anything they wanted to know.”

  “But you didn’t, and that’s a good thing. I survived and I’m here. Do you need a drink?”

  “Lucas,” James stood up.

  “Don’t do this, James. I don’t have the strength to turn you away and I know you’re hurting right now.”

  “Could you just…hold me then?”

  “Come here.”

  James walked into open arms and rested his head on Lucas’ chest; his heart was pounding and James wrapped his arms around him. “You feel good.”

  Lucas ran his nose through James’ hair and inhaled deep. God he loved the smell of the man, the feel of him in his arms. Goose bumps spread down his arms and Lucas stepped away. “I can’t do this with you.”

  “You can’t even hold me?” James stepped forward closing the distance between them.

  “James…” Lucas put his hand out. “Don’t, this is not fair.”

  “Maybe I need to know…” James grabbed Lucas’ shorts and pulled him into his space. “I’m standing here, and I’m asking.”

  “Asking for what?”

  “What do you want?”

  Lucas growled and grabbed James by his hair, their lips crashed into each other and James’ moans vibrated through his mouth. He pulled James’ shirt off and attacked his chest, his hands sliding to James’ ass. He felt hands in his hair gripping tightly as his tongue played with an erect nipple. He gripped James’ ass in both hands and hauled him up; their lips met again and Lucas moaned. He stumbled down the hall trying to get to his bedroom. James was all over him and God help him he wanted the man naked. They fell on the bed, lips still attached. Lucas gripped the comforter as James licked and bit his stomach, soft kisses trailed down his side over his wounds.

  ~~ The feel of Lucas’ soft skin under his hands was more than a bit arousing. It had been over a year since he’d been with anyone; it was when Derek’s face came into view that James pulled back. He’d always love Derek, and that would never change, no matter who he used to try and forget that.

  “Oh Jesus, I can’t….oh, fuck, I can’t do this.” Lucas sat up and moved away.

  “I know,” James was trying to get his breath back. “I’m sorry.”

  Lucas sat forward and palmed James’ face. “You have no idea how much I want you, how much I’d love to make love to you. I’ll

  always wonder if you’re thinking about Derek, though. I can’t, James. I can’t be with you unless I know you are thinking about me, and I know that won’t happen.”

  James sat back on the bed. “Why can’t I just forget about him?”

  “Because you love him, dumb ass,” Lucas chuckled and pulled James into his chest. They lie back on the bed and Lucas wrapped his arms around James. “I’ve always known that, James. Derek Jacobs will always have your heart.”

  “I don’t want to hurt you, I’ll never want that.” James snuggled into the heat of Lucas.

  “I know,” Lucas smiled and kissed James forehead. “He’ll come around, James. Derek should know what he has.”

  James looked up and smiled. “Could you tell him that?”

  “I just might.”

  ~~ Derek sat back at his desk and looked at his cell phone. One week, one damn week had gone by and he hadn’t heard a peep from James. The worst part was he knew exactly where James was. Riley had told him and he’d almost gone AWOL right then. James was spending time in Tampa with Lucas Cain, a man who was in love with him. Derek felt his skin crawling. What if they were making love? What if Lucas was kissing his James? Derek got up and paced the floor. He was going to go insane waiting for his flight.

  As soon as he’d heard the news he’d tried to get out of Afghanistan, the time to claim James was upon him and goddammit he was going to get him. The paperwork had been filled out and everything was in place. Then they’d been hit with the sandstorm from hell. Another two days of waiting; he’d been an asshole to everyone. Well not everyone. Jessup had come back to the base alone. Connelly was on his way back to the States for a long road of rehab and Derek had signed off on leave paperwork for Jessup to go be with him. He’d also had a long talk with General Blackthorn; the man was not so set in his ways he couldn’t listen. They’d actually formed a friendship and Derek knew his men would be in good hands.

  “Oh Jesus, you’re still here?”

  Derek looked up to see General Blackthorn looking at him. “Yes, flight leaves soon.”

  “Oh, I thought you’d changed your mind. I’m already moved into your room,” Blackthorn winked.

  “Asshole.” Derek smiled and flipped him off. “Jessup get out all right?”

  “Yes, that was good of you to let him take your seat.”

  Derek smiled. “He needed to get home.”

  “Don’t worry, Derek. I’ll take good care of them. You have my word.”

  “I know you will. My time in the Army has come to an end. I’m now free to run my team fulltime.” Derek looked at the time.

  “Jesus, is the clock moving backwards?”

  “Where are you in such a hurry to be? Could it have something to do with a man named James?” Blackthorn raised a brow and

  smiled when Derek’s face went ashen. “Yes, I heard you. I think half the base did. You were screaming at some guy named Riley.” “Oh, Jesus,” Derek collapsed in his chair. “I thought I was being quiet.”

  “I think all of Afghanistan heard you shouting.”

  “Look—”

  “None of my business, Derek, but the way it sounded you need to get your ass out of here and pronto. I hope you fix whatever the

  problem is between you and James.” Blackthorn stopped at the door and looked at Derek. “If you love this man, tell him, because if you

  don’t someone else will. Believe me when I say I know what it’s like to wait only to have it slip through my fingers, and once it’s gone you

  can’t get it back. It’s been an honor working with you sir.” Blackthorn stood tall and saluted.

  Derek stood up and saluted. “You as well, General.”

  Derek smiled as Blackthorn left his office. He looked at the time again and grabbed his bag. He grabbed his keys and left his office,

  locking it. He looked at the keys in his hand and hung them up on the hook by the door. His time was done, it was time to move on to

  another chapter of his life and James was going to be in that chapter. He stopped in to say goodbye to his remaining men. They’d had a

  ceremony the day before and Derek got another Medal of Valor. In all his time in the military, he’d received three of them and two Purple

  Hearts.

  “Later, assholes.” Derek winked at the guys in the chow hall.

  “Bye, General. You’ll be missed.”

  “Yeah? Don’t give Blackthorn too much shit.” Derek smiled at the men around the table. He knew he may not be seeing them all

  when their tour was done. “Watch your asses.” Derek shook their hands and left the chow hall bound for the airstrip. Thankfully the flight

  was still a go, and Derek sat in lockdown for the remaining wait time. He tried calling James again to let him know he was coming. Still no

  answer. Derek sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “God, I hope it’s not too late.”

  Chapter Five Lucas grabbed his towel and got out of the hot tub. He’d dropped James off at the airport hours earlier and now just wanted to sit in front of the TV and vegetate. His leg felt better today, his side was still aching though. The stitches were out but the pain when he leaned over was another matter. Lucas went to his room and grabbed some sweat pants and a T-shirt. Even though he and James had agreed to keep in touch and stay friends, it would be a while before Lucas could be in the same room with the man. Lucas sighed and sat on the couch. His track record with men was shitty; the only other man he’d ever loved had chosen his career. Lucas heard the doorbell ringing and struggled to get up.

  “Hang on!” Lucas made his way down the hall mumbling. “Jesus, what the hell?” Lucas opened the door and was almost pushed over by Derek. “Well, hello to you, too.” Lucas watched Derek walking through his house. “He’s not here.”

  “What?” Derek stopped and turned around.

  “He went home, ya stupid asshole.” Lucas went to the kitchen.

  “Asshole?” Derek walked into the kitchen and stood looking at Lucas.

  “Yes, you’re an asshole, Derek. James is in love with you, he has been since the first night he laid eyes on you. God knows why he stuck around; you have put him second over and over again for your fucking career. What is it with you military men? The job means that much to you that you sacrifice everything?”

  Derek tilted his head. “Are we still talking about me and James?”

  “Oh, fuck off.” Lucas sighed and sat down on the stool. “So you decided to come here and what? Drag James off like a caveman?”

  “If that’s what it took.” Derek sat down next to Lucas. “I love him. I know I’ve been an asshole and God knows I know I don’t deserve him, but God help me I can’t stop loving him. I’ve outed myself to half of Afghanistan since he was abducted.”

  “Imagine that,” Lucas drawled.

  “Look, I know you love him, too. I’m just asking you to let him choose and play fair. I can’t lose him, but if he decides you are the better man I will back off.”

  Lucas sighed. “I don’t have a chance with James, Derek. The man is so head over heels in love with you and that will never change. I know how he feels though; you hurt him when you decided to put off your vacation for your job. I dealt with that, a man I was seeing a while back. He chose his job one too many times and I walked away. James won’t walk away; he’s angry, but not enough to give up on you.”

  “Well between General Prescott and General Blackthorn, I’ve been lectured enough.”

  Lucas looked up. “Excuse me?”

  “What?” Derek asked.

  “Blackthorn? As in Brody Blackthorn?”

  Derek nodded. “Yes, he’s the general who took over.”

  Lucas sat back. “Well I’ll be damned, he put on general.”

  Derek looked at Lucas and the talk with Blackthorn came to mind. “The man you said always chose his career - he wanted to

  work things out and you still walked away, didn’t you?”

  Lucas mouth fell open. “How did you know that?”

  “Because he told me,” Derek smiled at the look on Lucas’ face. “Well now, this is interesting. I got the distinct impression that

  General Brody Blackthorn is still in love with you,” Derek chuckled. “Is everyone gay?”

  Lucas sat back in shock. “He said that?” he whispered.

  “His exact words were:’ If you love this man, tell him, because if you don’t someone else will. Believe me when I say I know what

  it’s like to wait only to have it slip through my fingers, and once it’s gone you can’t get it back.’” Derek sat back smiling. “So it was you.” “How is he?” Lucas whispered.

  “He’s sad, I could tell that right away. He was very cold when I met him.” Derek pulled out his wallet and looked around for a pen.

  “You have something to write with?”

  “Um, yeah.” Lucas motioned to the drawer by the stove. “Junk drawer has pens.”

  Derek grabbed a pen from the drawer and took out one of his business cards. He wrote his old office number down for Lucas as

  well as Blackthorn’s cell phone number. “The first number is my old office number, Blackthorn occupies that now. The second number is his cell phone number and he has it on all the time.” Derek looked at Lucas inspecting the card. “Do you still have feelings for him?” Lucas looked up. “I…I have tried to put him out of my head. I thought the only man I’d ever love would be James. I met Brody on assignment and we hit it off right away. He was still rising in the ranks and taking mission after mission. We hardly saw each other, I finally told him I couldn’t live like that. I only saw him sparingly and it was killing me when I didn’t hear from him for weeks at a time. The unit he was in was incommunicado for over a month and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I broke it off. Six months later he came to me and asked me to work things out. He said things would change. I just couldn’t do it anymore,” Lucas sighed sadly. “But I never forgot about him.”

  “He hasn’t forgotten you, either. In fact I don’t think he ever will.”

  Lucas ran his hands over his face. “Small world, huh?”

  “Getting smaller by the second,” Derek smiled. “How about we do some shots until we pass out? I’m not getting out of here tonight, no more flights.”

  “You expect me to put your dumb ass up for the night?” Lucas winked.

  “Yes I do, asshole. You’re just as stupid as I am.”

  Lucas waved his hand in the air. “Yeah, yeah. Let’s get drunk and talk about how dumb we are.”

  “Should you be drinking? Are you still on drugs?”

  “Nah, I never take pain killers.” Lucas stood up wincing at the pain in his side. “Can’t afford to be off my guard.” “Can I ask you something?” Derek stood up and helped Lucas to stand.

  “Sure.”

  “Did you…I mean did you and James…?”

  “No we did not have sex, but he’s an awesome kisser,” Lucas smiled at the look of jealousy on Derek’s face. “Hey, when you

  leave here tomorrow to go see him you’ll find out for yourself. Just do me a favor and don’t lose your nerve. Take the man and make him yours.”

  “Okay, you promise to call Blackthorn tomorrow then.” Derek put his hand out.

  “Deal.” Lucas shook Derek’s hand.

  ~~ James got out of the shower and wrapped the towel around his waist; it wasn’t his first time being shot but fuck, he’d been shot in the same leg. He looked in the mirror and mussed his hair a bit. He wasn’t small, the suits covered his body pretty well, and though he had definition he just wasn’t a Mateo or Josh in the muscles department. Even Derek was huge. James sighed. Derek Jacobs. Just thinking his name had his prick excited. He’d spent a few days with Lucas just catching up. After the first night’s fiasco he’d backed off; it wasn’t fair to Lucas. As much as he’d love to get over Derek it just wasn’t going to happen. He’d be stuck loving General Derek Jacobs for the rest of his life.

 

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