The Half Sister, page 10
‘I shouldn’t be the one being punished,’ cries Lauren. ‘He should.’
‘And don’t you think that not seeing his sixtieth birthday is punishment enough?’
Lauren looks down at her feet as tears fall onto her cheeks.
‘And don’t you think he knew what he’d done?’ soothes Rose. ‘That he knew how wrong he was.’
‘So why didn’t you stop him?’ sobs Lauren, feeling an overwhelming desire to lash out at her mother, at anything, just so she can release the years of pent-up frustration that swirl relentlessly around her body.
Rose takes her daughter in her arms and holds her tight, making Lauren cry even louder.
‘There was nothing I could do,’ says Rose into her ear. ‘I tried everything – but no matter what I said or did, he wouldn’t listen.’
‘There must have been something . . .’ says Lauren.
‘You know what your dad was like,’ says Rose softly. ‘Once his mind was made up, that was it. But it didn’t mean he loved you any less.’
Lauren’s tears fall onto Rose’s shoulders as her mother strokes her hair, just like she used to when she was younger. Lauren feels as if she’s on the outside of herself, looking onto the same scene of some twenty-two years ago.
‘It’s not good for you to be around Jess,’ Rose says, holding Lauren at arm’s length. ‘I don’t think you should see or talk to her again.’
‘She deserves to know the truth,’ says Lauren.
Rose shakes her head. ‘No!’ she says abruptly. ‘Look at the state of you. Look at what it’s doing to you.’
Lauren contemplates telling her mother that Justin showing up after all this time is the straw that’s broken the camel’s back, but she thinks better of it.
‘I can handle it,’ she says.
‘If you honestly believe that, then you’re in denial. If you carry on with this, it will rip this family apart – look at what it’s done to you and Kate already. Why don’t you concentrate on sorting out that relationship, rather than go on a wild goose chase after someone you don’t even know?’
‘I’m going to deal with Kate,’ says Lauren. ‘Tomorrow night.’
The reminder of who Rose thinks Lauren is seeing seems to calm her, and Lauren immediately feels guilty.
‘I’ll only need to call on you if Simon’s not in,’ she goes on, knowing that that’s the only scenario that’ll allow her to go.
‘Fine,’ says Rose tightly. ‘But only on the understanding that you sort things out with Kate. Keeping this family together means everything to me, and I will not allow anyone to destroy it.’
16
Kate
‘I don’t think I can order until we know,’ says Matt, sitting opposite Kate in their favourite Italian restaurant in Soho. ‘What time did they say you can call?’
‘Six o’clock.’ Kate battles with her expression, trying hard not to convey that she already has the answer to the question that’s threatening his appetite. But she can’t stop the corners of her mouth from turning upwards and she’s sure that the glint in her eye is undisguisable.
‘What are you going to have?’ he asks, without looking up from his menu.
‘I was going to have the burrata to start,’ she says.
‘Do you think you should?’ he asks, clearly concerned that her favourite cheese might be unpasteurized.
‘Mmm, maybe not, just to be on the safe side.’ She’s quite enjoying playing this game, but she needs to put Matt out of his misery soon. She needs to put herself out of misery, as she can barely keep her bottom on the seat due to her pent-up excitement.
‘So, how’s work been today?’ she asks, forcing herself to sound normal.
‘Well, I’ve offered the Junior Reporter job.’
‘Oh great, which one did you choose?’
Matt screws his face up. ‘Mmm, you’re not going to be happy.’
Kate falls back in her chair in mock outrage. ‘Don’t tell me you went for the uni graduate.’
Matt nods and holds up his hands. ‘But in my defence, when we got them both back in for a second interview, she nailed it.’
Kate shakes her head. ‘Well, don’t come running to me when it all goes wrong.’
‘O ye of little faith,’ Matt laughs.
Unable to contain herself any longer, Kate reaches into her bag and pulls out a wrapped gift box, putting it in front of Matt on the table.
‘What’s this for?’ he asks.
‘Do I need a reason?’
‘Normally, yes,’ he says, eyeing her suspiciously.
‘Just open it,’ she says impatiently.
Her eyes don’t leave him as he unwraps it, far too slowly.
‘Hurry up,’ she urges.
He smiles and rips the paper off impatiently, looking quizzically at the pen-shaped box he’s left with. As he lifts the lid, his face crumples.
‘Are you . . . are you really?’ he cries, holding up the pregnancy test with its two blue lines prominently displayed.
Kate can do no more than nod her head for fear that the pair of them will end up sobbing. They look at each other, alternating between crying and laughing, unable to say anything.
‘When did you find out?’ he asks incredulously.
‘About an hour ago,’ she says, smiling. ‘I couldn’t wait, and I didn’t want to tell you on the phone. I wanted to see your face.’
‘Well, you’re definitely not having the burrata!’
‘I know!’ She laughs. ‘I’m already missing it.’
‘I . . . I don’t even have the words,’ says Matt. ‘I truly don’t know what to say. How do you feel? Do you feel different?’
Kate had spent the past hour wondering that herself. She’d taken herself off to the toilets as soon as she got back into the office, leaning against the locked door, inhaling and exhaling deeply. She’d felt her breasts, checking for signs of tenderness, and questioning whether she could make it to the shop to get some ginger biscuits, because she was sure she felt sick. She’d read enough Mother & Baby magazines to last her a lifetime, so she knew what she was supposed to feel. It was all very well saying she was pregnant, but she doubted that she’d truly believe it until she actually felt it. Though standing there, waiting for all the symptoms to present themselves, was probably a pointless exercise.
‘I think my boobs are bigger,’ she says.
‘Already?’ says Matt, with his eyebrows raised in surprise.
Kate laughs and drops her head onto the table. ‘Oh my God, listen to me. I’m going to be one of those women, aren’t I?’
Matt looks at her expectantly.
‘I’m going to think I’m the only woman in the world to have a baby.’
He laughs. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine how high-maintenance you’re going to be.’
‘You will go and mine for coal if I develop a craving for it, won’t you?’ She can’t keep the mirth from her voice.
‘The best you’re going to get is ice cream at midnight.’
‘Häagen-Dazs?’ she questions playfully. ‘Any flavour?’
‘Within reason,’ he says, smiling. ‘I can’t believe we’ve done it. It just doesn’t feel real. Can we go around to your parents’ house tonight?’
It catches Kate off guard, her mind playing tricks on her for that split second, making her believe that her dad is still there. She’s ashamed to acknowledge how differently she feels about going once she realizes he’s not. Perhaps it’s time to start calling it her mum’s house.
‘It’s very early days,’ she says.
‘I honestly don’t think I can keep this a secret,’ says Matt, his expression struggling to hide his unadulterated joy.
For so long, Kate hadn’t even allowed herself to dream that the IVF was going to be successful, so to find herself in this position, having to decide when to share the news, is not something she’d given much thought to.
‘Can’t we just tell our mums?’ asks Matt, looking like a kid on Christmas morning.
‘It’s not really a great time at the moment,’ says Kate.
‘Because of that girl?’
Tears unexpectedly spring to Kate’s eyes and she quickly wipes them away.
‘Hey,’ says Matt, stretching across the table and taking her hand in his. ‘What’s up?’
‘I think it’s all just beginning to get a bit on top of me,’ she admits.
‘The family stuff or the pregnancy?’
‘All of it,’ cries Kate, half laughing. ‘I think the hormones are playing havoc with my emotions.’
‘You’re pregnant! We’re pregnant!’ A tear falls onto Matt’s cheek. ‘Let’s concentrate on that. I know the stuff going on with Lauren and this girl is difficult, but no matter what, it will never change your feelings for your dad.’
‘No,’ Kate sniffs. ‘It won’t.’
‘So, step away from it – don’t get involved.’
If only it were as easy as he makes it sound.
‘She came to see me,’ says Kate, looking at him.
‘Who, Lauren?’
‘No, the girl,’ says Kate. ‘She came to the office.’
‘Jesus!’ exclaims Matt. ‘How did she know where you worked?’
Kate shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly, though she feels anything but. ‘I guess Lauren told her. They clearly know each other better than I thought.’
‘What the hell are they playing at?’ says Matt, agitated.
‘I honestly don’t know,’ says Kate. ‘I’ve always thought we were a close family, but since losing Dad, it just seems that we’re all hiding secrets from each other. That’s not what normal families do.’
‘You’d be surprised,’ says Matt. ‘I think there are very few families who are what they claim to be. We all say one thing and think another.’
Do we? wonders Kate.
‘If you need to say how close you are,’ Matt goes on, ‘you’ll normally find it’s the exact opposite.’
‘Mmm, maybe,’ muses Kate.
‘And what’s your mum’s stance on all this?’
‘She’s just in denial about the whole thing.’
‘So what are you going to do?’
‘I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,’ says Kate. ‘But I’m going to have to prove Lauren wrong.’
‘And how are you going to do that?’
She looks at him, her jawline twitching involuntarily.
‘By getting the DNA that’s going to prove the girl isn’t who everyone thinks she is.’
17
Lauren
The nerves circling Lauren’s stomach have already seen her rush to the toilet three times and her hand shakes as she puts her mascara on, knowing that she’ll have to go at least once more before she leaves.
Her hair’s gone well, falling in silky curls on her shoulders, and she’s refraining from overdoing the make-up. Less is more, she remembers Kate saying when they were discussing the virtues of Lady Gaga’s transformation in A Star is Born.
She eyes the blue jumpsuit she’s laid on the bed and applies the same theory. Leggings would be better; give off the impression that she hasn’t tried too hard. She refuses to acknowledge that their stretch waistband might also be easier to fit her post-pregnancy belly into.
‘Mum!’ calls out Noah from downstairs. ‘Jude’s been sick.’
‘I’m coming,’ she says, quickly pulling her leggings from their hanger and stepping into them. She grabs a white top that she’s always felt comfortable in, before throwing it to the bottom of the wardrobe and selecting a royal-blue shirt instead. Justin always used to comment on her eyes and this colour will make them stand out even more. She doesn’t put it on yet though, as she’s already over-heating and cleaning up Jude will only exacerbate the problem.
He’s gurgling happily through his milky vomit as he watches Noah and Emmy dancing to Sesame Street, and as Lauren picks him up, she wonders what the hell she’s doing. What is a married mother of three children under five doing going to meet a man she was in love with over twenty years ago? She looks at the children she adores, knowing that what she’s about to do can only end badly. But she feels powerless to stop it.
‘Hello, my gorgeous boy,’ exclaims Rose, as she opens her front door to see Noah bounding up the garden path towards her.
‘Hi Nana,’ he says, as he wraps his chubby arms around her neck.
‘Goodness,’ says Rose, as Lauren follows him with the car seat in one hand and Emmy clinging onto the other. ‘You look gorgeous too. Are you sure it’s not some fancy man you’re going to see instead of your sister?’
Lauren instantly feels her cheeks redden, knowing she’s going to have to get better at this if she’s going to get away with it.
‘I’ll get going, if you don’t mind,’ says Lauren on the front doorstep. ‘I won’t be too long.’
‘Listen, if it means you having a good chat with Kate and sorting everything out, you can take as long as you like.’
Lauren smiles tightly, gives each of the children a kiss and waves as she pulls away.
By the time she gets to the Fox and Hounds pub, her stomach is in knots and she can’t even remember the route she took to get there. She flips down the sun visor and inspects herself in the mirror one last time, smoothing her eyebrows with a finger adorned with gold jewellery.
‘Oh my God,’ she says, unable to believe that she was about to walk in with the proof that she’s married to someone else sparkling on her ring finger. She eases off her wedding band and wonders if Justin had seen it when they’d met at the petrol station. Surely it would have been the first thing he’d looked for, just as she had. It clangs unceremoniously as she drops it in the ashtray on the centre console – the irony not lost on her.
Lauren steps furtively into the unfamiliar pub, unable to remember the last time she walked into somewhere like this on her own. She crosses her fingers that Justin is going to present himself immediately, as the little confidence she’s enforced upon herself is fading fast.
Her eyes scan the low-ceilinged room, frantically peering into the darkest nooks in the corners, hoping to see him. Fear clasps itself around her diaphragm, as the possibility of recognizing someone else infiltrates her brain, or worse, someone recognizing her. What if a former colleague of Simon’s, one of the hundreds that she’s been introduced to over the years, is here and sees her? Would she pretend that she’s waiting for a girlfriend and ignore Justin when he arrives? Or should she introduce him as her brother? What would he think of her if she did? How would she explain it away?
Stop! she silently screams as the never-ending questions circle in her head.
‘Hi, what can I get you?’ asks the smiling girl behind the bar.
Lauren hadn’t even realized she was standing at it. ‘Oh, erm, can I get a gin and tonic please?’ she says, still looking nervously around.
‘Is that a large?’
She wants to say yes because she feels she needs it, but she’s driving, and she’d never go over the limit.
‘No thanks,’ she says. ‘Just a small one.’
‘You’re early,’ says a voice beside her. ‘I was hoping to get here before you.’
She spins around and locks eyes with the man she loved and lost over two decades ago.
‘Am I?’ is all she can say. She was quite sure she timed it so that she would arrive ten minutes after the agreed time. The nerves must have got to her more than she thought.
Justin leans in to kiss her cheek, his skin soft and stubble-free. ‘You look amazing,’ he says, drinking her in with his eyes.
‘What, in this old thing?’ she says, out of habit whenever anyone pays her a compliment. She pulls at the bottom of her blouse and remembers Kate’s words. ‘Why do you always do yourself down whenever anyone says something nice?’ She remembers being at one of Kate’s swanky do’s and a handsome man telling her that she had beautiful hair. She’d immediately put a hand to it and said, ‘I imagine it looks like I’ve been dragged through a hedge backwards.’
‘Just say thank you,’ Kate had said, as they watched the man make a hasty retreat. It saddens Lauren that she was so insecure about how she looked, even before having children, when she felt like a different woman entirely. She wishes she knew then what she knows now.
‘It brings out the colour in your eyes,’ says Justin.
Thank you,’ says Lauren, looking at the floor.
He orders a lager top, and a surge of melancholy engulfs her as she’s transported back to when she’d managed to blag her way into Zen’s nightclub wearing a crop top and pleated mini skirt, thinking her attempt at looking like Britney Spears as a schoolgirl was a good idea to try and pass as someone older. It had worked though, and with Justin being over eighteen, they’d happily drunk lager tops and vodka until the early hours before crashing at someone’s house whose parents were away.
As they move away from the bar with their drinks, Lauren feels Justin’s hand in the small of her back, guiding her, reassuring her. If she were with Simon, he’d either be stomping off in front of her or holding her arm territorially, as he pushed her to where he wanted to go.
‘Where would you like to sit?’ asks Justin.
‘Just over there,’ says Lauren, seeking out the quietest, darkest corner.
They sit down and look at each other for what feels like an interminable amount of time, as if disbelieving that they’re really here.
‘You haven’t changed one bit,’ says Justin eventually.
Lauren pictures the stretch marks streaking her stomach, the sagging breasts that he will remember being pert; both a testament to the three wonderful children she has denied exist. But it’s not just the physical changes Justin will be shocked by; it’ll be the parts of her he can’t see.
‘A lot has happened since,’ is all she says, before taking a long slug of her drink, desperate for the alcohol to numb her nerve endings.
‘Not a day has gone by when I haven’t thought about you,’ says Justin. ‘I’d tell myself, convince myself, that we were too young for it to ever work, but deep down I knew we were meant to be.’
