All of You, page 22
Before I can exit the metal car with my suitcase, he eases effortlessly into my personal space. This brawny, sweet-hearted man is everywhere, and I feel treasured.
How on earth did I think I’d be able to go on without him in my life? Purely delusional, that’s what I was. There’s no way I would have lasted without him.
My heart swells, and a smile radiates from my insides out as his strong hands grab my waist and he lifts me off the ground.
“I don’t know why you’re here and I don’t care.” His husky words tickle my ear as he cradles my head and draws me into him.
“I’m real.” I laugh, my lips grazing the shell of his ear.
Clinging to him, I’ve never been more at peace than in his arms, and he embraces me for a few more beats. A natural fresh scent of earth and pine surround me, warming my insides and soothing my ravaged soul.
I’m at peace.
At home.
Then he places me on my feet, taking my hand in one of his and grabbing my suitcase with the other. Near the end of the hallway, a door is slightly ajar and he pulls me inside. The apartment is big by Manhattan standards.
“This is my place.” He grins, placing my suitcase by the door.
“Wow. It’s lovely.”
The building is old, stately even, and I’d wanted to surprise Matt by knocking on his apartment door, but I had to gain entry through the doorman downstairs.
My arrival was announced before I could go up in the elevator, and that’s why he was waiting for me when the doors slid open on the fifteenth floor.
After talking with Finn at the hospital last night, I went home, booked a flight to New York, packed a bag, and wrote a letter to Dr. Song. There is more for me to do when I return, but for now this will have to be enough.
This morning, on my way to the airport, I stopped at the hospital to see Dr. Song. Like before, she didn’t have the time to talk to me. And while meeting with her in person would have been best, my written withdrawal from the residency program is now on record.
It’s midmorning and I’m in New York city, standing in Matt’s home. His apartment is marble and wood, and while there isn’t a lot of furniture, what he has is nice with a long leather sofa, matching armchairs, and a giant flat-screen TV on one wall.
“How are you?” He stares intently, a small tic to the muscle in his jaw, and I wonder what it is he sees that has him concerned.
I hardly slept last night, but it wasn’t insomnia, with the usual dread and anxiety tying me up in knots. No, I was excited, eager to start the day. And for the first time since the cottage—that one blissful week with Matt—I was hopeful. My mind raced with limitless possibilities.
“I’m better now that I’m here”—I take his hand in mine—“and can see and touch you.”
“Yes.” A groan sails past his lips, thick with longing and relief. “It’s great to see you. What happened?”
Leading the way to his sofa, I sit and pat the cushion next to me, indicating for him to do the same.
“Before I sit, can I get you something? Coffee? Water? Breakfast?”
Shaking my head, I tug at his wrist, and he easily comes to my side. “No. I’ve got what I need.” My lips graze the underside of his jaw. “I withdrew from the residency program.”
“Really? What does that mean?”
“It means I hit pause. Becoming a doctor is now on hold. I can go back to it or not. I haven’t decided and don’t plan to right now. But I will. Eventually.” I shrug, testing how tense my shoulder muscles are.
I’m pleasantly surprised to find they aren’t. I’ve no doubts about my decision, and my body’s slow unwinding only confirms it. I can’t and won’t avoid going back to the hospital, if only to take care of and control my fears. But as for a career in medicine, I can’t say if that’s in my future right now.
“Are you sure?” His fingers sweep across my cheek. “I mean, this is good, but I’m a little behind. Catch me up. What did I miss since we last saw each other?”
I’d spoken with my mother last night, and we had a lengthy conversation during which she’d mentioned how much Matt loved and cared for me. She couldn’t hold back how much they’d texted in the past forty-eight hours. Too funny.
“I was in denial, and everything you said was true. While being a doctor was a childhood dream, it became an obsession after…well, not the incident but how my family and mostly my brother Finn dealt with it. Or how he didn’t deal with it.”
He nods, gripping my hand as the pads of his fingers draw lazy circles on my palm.
“I thought if I was good, made sure my family didn’t have to worry about me, everything would be fine. It was silly.”
“No, it wasn’t. You were coping the best way you knew how.”
“Finn came by the hospital last night and we had a good talk.”
We don’t need to cover what I went through and what I tried to hide from him while he stayed with me. He knows. That’s the thing about this man. He sees me even when I’m fooling myself.
“That’s great. And how are you feeling now?” Concern causes tiny lines around his mouth. “You still look exhausted. Beautiful,” he’s quick to add, “but tired.”
“I am, tired that is, and I suspect it’ll take some time before I have a good night’s sleep.” I glance over his shoulder, taking in more of his place. Am I looking for Britney?
No. I want…no, want isn’t the right word. I must talk about Britney but not right now.
Somehow, focusing on where I am and who I’m with lessens any difficulty I have saying the words and admitting I need help. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I see the light.
“But I’ve got plenty of time now, and I’ll get there. I talked to my mom last night. She loves you,” I tease and he chuckles, blushing. “You get huge brownie points for bonding with her.”
“Hey, she’s cool, and we have one important thing in common.” My chest clenches at his pause, only heightening what he’s about to say. “We love you a lot.” His lips find mine, and the kiss is quick and soft. “I’m surprised she didn’t tell me you were coming.”
“I told her not to. I wanted to surprise you. I’m sorry for everything.” I lean into him. “For all I was going through. For the crap I said about Britney. Nothing about it was simple, except you.”
“That’s who I want to be for you. Your refuge—and no sorry needed. I’m just glad you’re here.” He kisses my forehead. “So…no medicine. For now or maybe forever?” he asks, and I nod. “In the meantime?”
“In the meantime, I’m without rounds at the hospital or brushing up on procedures or much of anything else really. It’s kind of surreal to say this, and I’m not sure what it means, but I’ve got time on my hands and I want to spend all of it with you.”
He scoops me into his arms. “Well, I can think of a few ways to fill your time.”
My yelp mixes with laughter as he carries me down a hallway to what I’m guessing is his bedroom. I barely have a chance to look around the room, only noticing the king bed, before he pins me to a wall.
Matt drags his hot mouth along the curve of my neck, and I moan in turn, pressing my head into the wall. My ankles hook behind his back to secure my position.
“Claire, I want you.” His words mingle with each lick and suck of my flesh. “I love you.”
“Yes. Yes.” I savor the rough slide of his callused hands, venturing beneath the waist of my pants.
“I want to take my time…with you…but this has to be quick. There’s a meeting I have to get to.”
His words are a jumble, not making any sense, and I don’t care. With the first sweep of his fingers between my slick folds, I gasp, nodding.
“I don’t care. Matt…I need you.”
My hips sway, rocking the juncture between my thighs into his thick erection. He groans into my chest, mouth now latching onto one hard peak, and my fingers dive into his hair.
The idea of sex has never consumed me. Through the years, there were times when I’d imagined what it might be like, even wanted to get it over with. But never, not ever, did I dream it would be like this.
A need so consuming I’d give anything to have him.
With his mouth and hands, he works me into a frenzy so easily. The first swells of my orgasm gather low in my core as his fingers pump into me, thumb pressing down on my clit. Is sex this good with just anyone or is this all Matt?
As if I have to ask. There’s only one answer.
It’s Matt. I love him. Everything about him.
His large, muscled body, his strength, and the way his mouth possesses mine when he kisses me. How he loves my oddball comments that usually surface at the weirdest times and how he never doubts my abilities at anything, like playing football, even when I doubt myself.
“Matt, please…now.”
Nodding, he moves us to the bed and yanks off my pants and underwear before lunging for the side table to pull out a condom. His pants drop to the floor as do his boxers, and he rips open the foil packet and rolls it on his erection.
Then he’s over me, and I hold my breath, eager for him. Perfection tunnels through me as he thrusts his thick, hard cock inside me.
Soon, mouths meshed, we’re reduced to pants of hot breath, chests slick and colliding with every one of his plunges into me. It isn’t long before I lose all control.
My release blasts through me, and my inner walls clench around him, fingers digging into his sides. He groans in pleasure, still pumping into me.
As I come down from my high, Matt cries out my name, moves now jerky and short as he shudders, body shaking. Soon after, he collapses on top of me.
“Claire, I don’t only want to be your first, I want to be your always.” His voice is low, drenched in love, and settles deep inside my chest.
We lie that way for only a few minutes, both of us savoring this quiet moment of just us. Then Matt’s up and getting dressed, promising to be back as soon as he can. Once the door clicks shut, I have a warm shower and slide into his big, comfy bed.
The sheets and pillows smell of him and I sigh, contented and willingly loosening the grip on my consciousness. I’m beyond tired and finally feel like I can rest.
Later that afternoon, Matt wakes me from my nap. It’s the first easy sleep I’ve had in days, and he discards his clothes, getting into bed with me.
We talk for easily an hour about his meeting with the Fury, the press conference, his father, and Savannah. That leads into a discussion about Britney. She did lie about the ring and he’s done with her.
When my stomach growls, now hungry, we grudgingly get out of bed and cook a meal together. And throughout the task and well into the night, my goofy, beyond happy grin never fades.
Matt and I spend most of our time holed up in his apartment, doing nothing. Well, doing each other, cooking and eating, and not much else. While I’m free of responsibility and obligations, he isn’t so lucky, and there are times when I’m alone.
During those moments, I wander the streets of Manhattan and some of the other boroughs, going in and out of stores, including a few bookstores. I bought a couple of books, even an audiobook, on managing anxiety, fear, and panic attacks.
And sometimes, I simply sit with my thoughts, working through the past and how I tried, and at times failed, to cope. What my future holds isn’t even on the horizon. I won’t make the same mistake again and kid myself into thinking I’m ready for that. I’m not. For now, I need to be in the moment and take each second as it comes.
Matt saunters from his kitchen as my phone rings on the coffee table. I reach for it, hitting the video button. Tom’s face fills the screen.
“Claire-bear, you answered!” He acts as if I’ve been ignoring his calls or something.
This is the first time he’s contacted me since I’ve been in New York.
“Hey, Tom. How are you?”
“I’m good. And you?”
“Good.”
“And Matt?” What’s with all the questions? Tom usually gets to the point.
“I’m good, Tom.” Matt slides in behind me, resting his chin on my shoulder.
His beaming face lights up the small square at the bottom of my phone screen, as he cracks a heart-thumping smile.
“Matt! Good to see you, buddy.”
“Tom, this catch up is great and all, but why did you call?” I’m not hiding my curiosity.
“I missed you.” He bats his blond lashes, feigning hurt. “Why else would I call?”
“Tom.” I narrow my gaze and Matt chuckles behind me. “What do you want?”
“Fine. So you’ve been gone, what is it? Five days now?” He pauses, looking to me for confirmation, and I nod. “And I figured since you left in such a hurry…” He leans in, staring directly at Matt, I think. “Man, she missed you. Not even gone forty-eight hours and she had to jump on a plane.”
My brother’s being a goof and hamming it up. And of course, Tom gets what he seeks when Matt tilts back his head in a belly laugh, loving this.
“Tell me more. I want to hear about how much she missed me.”
I elbow Matt, and he releases a small oof. “No, get to the point, Tom.”
“Something fierce.” Tom throws that in for the benefit of Matt before getting down to the purpose of this call. “Anyway, I was thinking, to help you out, I might go by your place and check out things. You know, see what’s in the fridge. Throw out anything that’s gone bad and I could even eat what needs to be eaten so you don’t waste food.”
I snicker and roll my eyes. Tom and his stomach. “Ah, now that makes sense.”
“Yes. I figured you’d see things my way. So it’s cool if I head on over and raid, I mean, clean out your fridge for you?”
Now I’m laughing; we all are. “Yes, Tom. Take my food. Help yourself because we both know you’re going to anyway.”
“What? I’d never—”
“All right, stop while you’re ahead. I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for you to do your own grocery shopping.” It isn’t the money. Tom is generous to a fault and does all right financially. But he hates domesticity.
“I don’t have a problem with the supermarket,” he sputters, smiling.
“When are you going to settle down?” Matt’s question is out of the blue, and I’m guessing he figures my brother needs a partner to do that kind of thing. He might not be all that far off the mark.
Right now, his roommate, Gus, does all that stuff, including the cooking. Without Gus, my brother might starve. Nah, who am I kidding? Tom would be at my parents’ place nightly or Finn’s or mine. He’d survive.
“If I settle down, I need an easy woman.” Tom waggles his brows as if he’s way ahead of us.
Aghast, my eyes nearly pop out of my head. “You didn’t just say you want your woman to be loose?”
“Claire! I most certainly did not. Why’d you jump to that? No. What I mean was I want someone who is easygoing, agreeable.”
“Someone who’ll agree with every one of your crazy ideas?” I arch a brow, already sorry for the woman who falls in love with my brother. He’s a handful.
“Yeah, something like that.”
I shake my head, and we chat for a few more minutes before we end the call.
The sweet aromas of thyme and roasted vegetables waft through his apartment, and Matt pulls me to the dining room table. He’s cooked roast beef, vegetables, and mashed potatoes with gravy.
“Wow, this looks fantastic.” I sit and he scoots the chair closer to the table for me. “You better watch out, Tom might want to snag you.”
“I can see why. I’m a great catch.” He takes the seat next to mine, hand over his heart. “But that’s too bad for him because my heart’s already taken.”
Hands cupping his face, I lean upward to kiss his forehead. “Good. And my heart’s yours.” I kiss the tip of his nose and then softly place my mouth over his. “Thank you for this and for everything else. I have to do this alone, I get that, but having you by my side has made a world of difference.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
“Sometimes you have to lose yourself to find yourself. And along the way, I was lucky enough to also find you.”
“Love you.” He grins, and my gaze eats him up—his dark waves curling at the edges of his forehead and amber eyes dancing with delight.
My fingers slide along his warm, firm bottom lip. “Love you.”
Matt hoists me into his lap, and I squeal, grabbing onto his arms so as not to fall on my butt. His mouth crushes mine, and all is forgotten.
The past doesn’t exist, and I’m no longer consumed with confining myself to a rigid world of straitlaced, safe, and self-imposed expectations. With Matt at my side, I’m standing at the edge, open to possibility, and my choices are limitless.
I can’t wait to jump.
31
Matt
Five months later
Bright sunbeams dance along the grass, and the field sparkles with what looks like emeralds. I squirt cool water from the plastic bottle into my mouth and wipe the sweat from my brow.
The game’s almost over and though fun, I’m looking forward to cooling down and relaxing. Today’s warm, and we’ve had a good turnout with full teams made up of Claire’s family, friends, and a few strangers.
My arm slides around my girl’s neck and I bend to whisper, “Are you good with the play?”
Claire smiles up at me, squinting to keep the sun out of her eyes. “Yes. Let’s do it.”
Most weekends, since the warm weather, we’ve taken to playing football with friends and anyone who wants in on the game at a park near our place.
Today, we’re just a few blocks from her parents’ home, and in addition to them, Claire’s brothers are here as well as Paige, Pippa’s best friend and also Drew’s sister, their younger brother, Bas, and their parents, Sam and Olivia.
Before playing, Sam, Olivia, and Sin grilled up a feast, and despite our eager offers to help, Claire and I were relegated to taking a seat like most everyone else. While I’m hopeful to talk to Sam sometime in the future about his business and all that, I really wanted the chance to cook alongside a celebrity chef today.
