The Blueprint, page 19
“Can I give you a ride someplace?” Graham’s eyes were wide, and I looked at him with more than a little regret.
He was a nice guy. Better for me. Perfect for me, if there was such a thing. He held baby pandas, for crying out loud. But there was nothing there—no spark between us. True love was such a fickle bitch.
I shook my head. “No, but thanks for the offer.”
It was only when I was outside that I realized I had no idea where they’d be taking Blue. I couldn’t call anyone I knew on the team because they were still on the field. His annoying agent, Ari, was out. I tried not to talk to him if I didn’t have to.
And then it hit me. I knew exactly who would know what was going on. I scrolled through my contacts and found his number with little trouble. It was a number I never used, and I hesitated with one finger poised over his name. When it came to Blue and his football career, there wasn’t much Randall Montgomery didn’t know.
I’d never been Randall’s favorite person. He was always leery of me when I was growing up and always made things so uncomfortable for me at his house that I tried to get Blue to meet me at my house whenever possible. We had one family dinner with both of our families, and he made the mistake of making a limp-wristed gesture behind our waiter’s back. My mother turned red as a tomato and blistered his ears. There’d been no more family gatherings after that, and my mother forever after referred to Blue’s father as “that man.”
My jaw firmed. Well, that man was going to tell this fairy where Blue was, or he’d be picking his hillbilly teeth off the ground.
I hit his number even as I hustled to my car. He answered after a few rings, his voice growly and annoyed as ever. “Surely my caller ID is malfunctioning, because I know you’re not calling me.”
“Believe it, Randall,” I said crisply. “And if you don’t want this to become a common reoccurrence, you’ll tell me where they’re taking him.”
He made an unpleasant noise. “I’m on the other line with the receiver’s coach.”
“I’ll wait.”
My mama would be proud.
Chapter 19
Kelly
I HATED hospitals.
I clipped my visitor’s badge to my shirt pocket and headed for the elevator bank. The first elevator was filled with medical personnel headed for the garage. The second was largely occupied by a gurney, and I waved them on too. Finally the third elevator that arrived was mostly empty, and I stepped on. Just before the doors sealed, someone slid a hand between the rapidly closing space, and the doors sprang apart. A guy I took to be an intern hustled on and braced his arm on the door to hold it as six other similarly dressed interns crowded on. Firmly squashed in the corner, I bit the inside of my cheek.
Yeah, I definitely hated hospitals.
It probably had something to do with the whole “facing your mortality” thing in a very in-your-face kind of way—examining the strangely delicate shell of your own body and acknowledging the inherent fragility of man.
I could feel the jumping, butterflylike flutter of my pulse under my skin. Such a thin barrier prevented my life force from spilling on the floor. It was all so delicate—life, that is. Fleeting. And nothing drove that point home more than being in a hospital and standing in the middle of a bunch of doctors.
The fourth-floor button glowed briefly, and the doors sprang open. I muttered the occasional “excuse me” and battled my way off. Then I made my way down the hallways, trying to look like I knew where I was going in that bustling environment. Finally I reached Room 426 and entered on quiet feet.
The lights were low in the private room, and it looked like Blue was sleeping. Though his oversized frame dwarfed the bed, his breathing was soft and even, and his sleep seemed untroubled. I quietly pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed. I wasn’t going to wake him, so I busied myself checking emails on my phone and playing games. I also received the creepy award for watching him breathe for the next hour or so.
It certainly wasn’t our first time in the hospital. By that point he should probably have signed up for some sort of loyalty-rewards plan. He couldn’t blame it all on football either. Some of it was due to boneheaded judgment in our youth. He was always ready to jump off something high, ride something fast, and be the first to try whatever new thing we came up with. We were a pair of stupid teenagers, and that list was lengthy.
I still couldn’t pinpoint our stupidest adventure, but jumping off the garage into his parents’ pool had to be somewhere near the top. So was building a bike ramp worthy of Evel Knievel out of scrap materials we found.
I smiled a little at the memory. Wherever Blue was doing something stupid, I was invariably a few steps behind. Usually saying, “Maybe we shouldn’t do this.” Then I went along with it anyway because we were a team. Even with the confusion of the past couple of months, I realized something important.
We still were. And no amount of sexual confusion could change that.
“I smell you.”
I glanced up at his face, which was half cast in shadow. His eyes were still closed. “Excuse me?”
“I smell you. Whatever cologne you use makes you smell like the beach—sun, ocean, and a hint of coconut.” He sniffed the air, presumably for more of that scent. “Smells good.” I stared at him, and he finally sighed gustily. “You might as well say it.”
“I wish you would quit.”
His mouth twisted. “Why would you say something like that?”
“Because that’s how I feel.” I scooched my chair a little closer to the bed. “And you just told me to say it.”
“I don’t want to argue.”
Then just do what I want. It was tempting, but I wasn’t going to say what I really felt. “Where is everyone?” I asked instead.
“I sent them home. I wasn’t in the mood to be with anyone right now.”
“Oh.” I looked down at my hands. “I guess I can—”
He made an irritated noise. “You’re not just anyone, doofus. Obviously.”
“Your words. They’re like… like a beautifully structured haiku.”
He smiled a little, but it was short-lived. “I’m sorry you had to end your date to come all this way.”
“It wasn’t a date.” I rolled my eyes. “And yeah, you’re a real asshole to damage your knee like that just to inconvenience me.”
“Smartass motherfucker.” His eyes fluttered again, and then he opened them fully. I found myself in the crosshairs of his steady gaze. “But I’m glad you’re here.”
“Where else would I be? What’d the doctor say?”
“What didn’t he say?” He sighed. “They did an MRI to make sure I didn’t tear something, but so far, it just looks bruised. I’ll have the official results tomorrow, but Coach thought I should just stay put.”
I’ll just bet he did.
His coach’s attitude seemed to be that if you didn’t have a cast on in at least three places, you should have your ass out on the field. That made me want to pound on his head a little. Unfortunately Coach Maxwell was a lot wider and taller than me. He could probably kill me with his whistle alone.
Blue took in my tightly clenched hands and my pinched face and sighed. “Stop worrying.”
“How am I supposed to stop worrying with you in the hospital?”
“You said I’m a frequent flier, didn’t you?”
“Yeah.”
“Then trust me. It’s not going to be that bad. But I’ll probably have to do some rehab again.”
“That’s unpleasant.”
“The truth usually is.” He leveled his eyes on me, and it was clear he was talking about more than his injured knee. “But I don’t avoid difficult things.”
We stared at one another without speaking for a few minutes, and unspoken words surfed the undercurrents between us like choppy waves. It was kind of frustrating, but that’s what happened when you mixed sex with friendship. It was messy all around.
I didn’t want it to end that way. I didn’t want him to be someone I just spoke to twice a year and then once and then only at a few family events until it petered out altogether. I had to have Blue in my life, and that was that. I’d do just about anything to fix things—even bring up what we’d apparently agreed not to speak about.
I sighed. “Should we talk about it? Or just keep being awkward and weird until it all blows over?”
“I’m well aware which option you’d prefer, but I think we should. Talk about it, that is.”
I groaned and covered my face with both hands. “I’d really rather not.”
“You and me both. But we need to,” he said firmly. “And I’ll go first.”
“Oh Jesus.”
“I didn’t respond properly when you told me… what you told me,” he began determinedly. “I was caught off guard, and I didn’t know what to say.”
I let my hands slide off my face and into my lap. “I’m not apologizing for telling you how I feel.”
“I don’t want you to. It was pretty much the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Granted, you said it in a way that was vintage Kelly—in my face and challenging—but still.”
“But you don’t love me back,” I said dully.
He spread his hands a little helplessly. “You’ve always meant more to me than anyone else.”
I snorted, and his expression went tight and irritated. “That’s not the same thing, Blue.”
“Some part of me has always wanted you, Kel. On some level you have to know that.” He sighed. “Maybe I just never let myself go there because I knew what it would mean.”
I looked at him skeptically. “Always? Forgive me, but now it sounds like you’re just protecting my feelings.”
Suddenly Blue couldn’t meet my eyes, and I frowned. Was he serious? He actually wanted me as more than a friend? He’d better be fucking kidding me. I’d been waiting for that particular bolt of lightning for years. Years. When I was in a really dramatic mood, sometimes it felt like I’d been waiting my whole fucking life for something I knew would never happen. And all along he’d been feeling something too?
I firmed my jaw. “Blue?”
He jerked his gaze to mine. “Yes?”
“Explain.”
“I don’t know,” he exploded. “You act like there’s a manual to all of this.”
“Well, when did you start looking at me differently?”
“In college? Maybe?”
“College,” I yelled.
He hushed me. “Will you be quiet? Visiting hours are over. They’re gonna kick you out.”
“Maybe they should. I’m fairly certain I’m about to kick you in the nuts.”
“Will you just let me explain? Without shouting like a maniac? And could you stop looming over me, please?”
I didn’t even realize I’d popped out of my chair. I sat down with a severe scowl on my face, and I crossed my arms defensively—then my legs, one foot on the other knee. There. I wasn’t exactly the poster child for approachability, but I wasn’t looming.
I inclined my head. “Now would be a great time to explain.”
“I’m not sure if I can. You know how people can change when they go away to college. You certainly did. You weren’t hiding your sexuality any longer, and you had all these dates. With all these different guys.”
“I was experimenting,” I said defensively.
“You were a manwhore,” he corrected firmly.
Well, maybe. But it wasn’t like he’d been a monk.
My freshman year rooming with Blue, I expected something different. I saw college as an extension of our childhood but without parents, curfew, and rules. We could hang out and talk all night, and as a bonus, we even shared a room.
Only then there was Christina, the law school hopeful who wore black-rimmed glasses and talked about feminism a lot. And Tiffany, the dance major who never met a pair of leggings she didn’t like. Maggie. Charlotte. Tina.
Tina. Just the memory made me flinch.
I walked in on Tina and Blue having sex when I came back early from a canceled lab. Guess they counted on me being gone two or three hours. My scowl darkened. I really didn’t like Tina in the first place, but seeing her riding Blue, breasts bouncing, dark hair streaming down her milky-skinned back? My general dislike intensified to something like hate.
I started to dread going back to our dorm, but not because Blue would bogart the room with his dates—he’d never be that selfish—but because I had to watch him leave. Sometimes when I was sure I had him to myself for the night, his current girl would unexpectedly drop by. It was like a girl parade, each float prettier than the last.
One night in particular, before he left to pick up the lovely Tina, he teased me about staying in and studying on a Saturday night. He said something about us going on a double date and that he knew a good place where I could buy flowers for my left hand.
I snapped.
“Fuck you, Blue,” I said furiously as I slammed my textbook closed. He was just lucky the damn thing weighed a thousand pounds because, in that moment, I really wanted to wing it at his stupid head.
He looked startled. “What’s your damage? You know I’m just messing with you.”
“Well, it’s not funny. Not all of us can just be out there like that.”
He blinked at me. “Why can’t you?”
“My parents—”
“Aren’t here.”
“Well, Kennedy—”
“Isn’t here either.” He kicked my leg so it slid off the bed. “So why can’t you be exactly who you are?”
I sat on my bed and gaped at him. It was like someone put “It’s Raining Men” on the stereo, and I realized he was absolutely right. For the first time in my life, I didn’t have to hide a damn thing. I could reinvent myself. And all of a sudden, I had a social life. There were student unions and LGBTQ clubs and events, and a cool gay bar that was near campus and wasn’t sleazy.
But even reviewing all of that, I couldn’t see a gray area where Blue started to see me differently. Looking at him as he plucked at his hospital sheet, I felt well within my rights to demand an explanation. “So all it took for you to look at me differently was for me to go on some dates? That’s not attraction, that’s jealousy.”
He shook his head. “That’s not what it was.”
“Then what was it?”
“You’re looking for an exact definition? An exact moment when things changed? That’s not how these things work.”
“You gotta give me something.” It was fortunate we were already in the hospital, because I was about to beat him like a piñata. “Think.”
“I don’t know. Maybe when you started dating Paul? You usually dated these artsy theater types. But Paul was like me. He played soccer. He worked out a lot, and I saw him at the athletic center quite a bit. It was like I thought I knew what your type was, and all of a sudden, everything changed. It made me wonder why you hadn’t ever tried to put the moves on me.” He shrugged. “I remember thinking it was too bad I wasn’t gay because we were already so good together. But that was crazy talk, and I put it out of my mind because that could never happen.”
“And recently?”
“That thing with Connor. In the bathroom. In college, my wondering was academic. After seeing you guys…. You know, it was a little more primitive. And then the stuff that we did together.” He swallowed. “It was like nothing I’d ever felt. It was just as amazing as I theorized it would be.”
“Yeah.” My voice was a little husky. “It was.”
We took a moment of silence to appreciate… well, sex in general. Lord, I’d like to thank you for giving me the opportunity to find that kind of crazy chemistry with someone. And a special shout-out for blow jobs. In the name of Jesus, we pray. Let the church say Amen.
“I wasn’t used to looking at you that way,” Blue said. “All of a sudden, I started noticing… things.”
“Things like what?”
“I don’t—”
“And don’t say you don’t know,” I said firmly.
“Like… like… I don’t know.”
“Give me something, or you’re gonna be using that call button,” I threatened.
“Your skin,” he blurted. “It’s not tanned like mine. It’s creamy and peachy, and you blush at the slightest provocation.” I think we both blushed then, but Blue soldiered on. “I like that. A lot. Your smile, I guess. And your hair is sexy.” He waved his hand in that general direction. “The way you get it cut. Like it’s purposefully messy.”
I didn’t know what to say then, but my hand stole up to my hair. I dropped it back in my lap. “What else?” I asked softly.
“I don’t know,” he snapped. “All I know is suddenly I’m watching your ass when you walk away. I already liked your insides, and now your outsides make me want to tear off your clothes.” He looked frustrated enough to pull out his own hair. “It’s so strange because it’s not just Kelly, my best friend. It’s Kelly, this guy I’d really like to fuck. And he’s smart and funny and a little crazy and so fucking beautiful that it hurts to look at him sometimes. What am I supposed to do with that?”
I swallowed. “I have an idea.”
“No. I just… I just can’t—”
“Blue—”
“I’m not willing to change my life that way,” he cut in. “I have a plan, Kel, and this is nowhere in that plan. Eventually I want to get married. Have kids. You know how important family is to me.”
“Being with me wouldn’t make that an impossibility.” I smiled a little. “I don’t know if you heard, but the heteros stopped hogging all the misery of marriage to themselves.”
He didn’t laugh like I hoped. He just stared at me and gnawed at his lower lip. His eyes were dark and intense. When he finally spoke, his voice was so quiet I could barely hear him. “I’m in the NFL. You know how people are. That would be making a statement that I’ll never be willing to make.”
