The Red Brick Road, page 8
“You going to pitch him out, or am I?” Marren asked. “I really need me a new pipe wrench.”
“I’ll talk to him,” Honus said. “Hey, Rooster, why don’t you go see if anything is around the cabin while we clean it up some for you.”
Rooster hopped off the bed. “Good idea. This place is a dump.” He marched out the door.
“Just lock it.” Marren said. “If nothing’s eaten him by the morning, we’ll take him along.”
Honus laughed. “He’s not that bad once you get to know him.”
“Oh? You’ve known him long?”
“Just today.”
“And?”
“I can’t imagine anything would be willing to risk the belly ache.”
Marren smirked. “Let’s see if this woodsman has left any food behind. Check that closet.” He moved to the cupboard and opened it. “Hmmm. What do you have?”
“Some cloths. Metal polish. Cans of oil.” Honus closed the closet. “That’s weird; there’s no clothes in there. An axe handle. Did you find food?”
“There’s some steel wool. An axe handle you say?”
“Weird,” Honus said again. “Yeah, I guess he has a spare.”
“There’s some dried meat and a nice looking round of cheese.”
“That’s a relief.” Honus sat on the bed. It squeaked loudly.
Marren turned. He was holding a large piece of dried meat. “This has been here a while.” He gestured over his shoulder. “And once we’ve cut off the green part of that cheese we’ll only have half left.”
“That’s better than nothing.” Honus bounced on the bed making it squeak loudly. “No one’s lived here for a year, I’d say. When did you last hear about this woodsman?”
“I don’t know. It’s been a while though. I just heard there was one living out here where the Red and Yellow roads come close together.”
Someone pecked on the door.
“Don’t let him in.” Marren said. “It’s more food for us that way.”
The pecking got louder.
“He’ll do that all night and make tomorrow miserable.” Honus stood and walked to the door. He put his ear to it. “As long as he doesn’t start...”
“Chic Chiri Chí!” Rooster crowed from outside the door
“Oh boy.”
“Who is it?” Marren called.
“It’s me!” Rooster said testily.
“Prove it! There’s lot of roosters out there, I’m sure.” Marren said as he smiled. “You don’t sound familiar.”
“Cock-a-doodle-doo!” Rooster crowed. “Did you understand that one better?”
Honus opened the door. “The second crow was the same as the first.”
“No, it wasn’t,” Rooster said as he strutted into the room.
Marren quickly moved to the bed and sat on it.
Rooster squinted an eye at him. “They are completely different, of course. Listen.” Rooster cleared his throat and tilted his head back. “Chic Chiri Chí!” He crowed loudly.
“Okay.” Honus said.
“And now this time.” Rooster tilted his head back again. “Cock-a-doodle-doo!” He crowed.
“Sounds the same to me.” Marren said.
“They’re two completely different languages!” Rooster scratched at the ground with a claw. “You people. It’s a good thing I’m running this campaign.”
Honus closed the door. “Anyway, did you find anything useful out there?”
Rooster shook his head. “Some guy was mumbling about a soiled can or something. Some sort of knight since he was wearing armor. Of course, it was all rusted so he couldn’t have been a good knight, so I pecked at his foot then left.”
“Soiled can? What’s that?” Marren asked.
“I was afraid to get more details and wasn’t going to sit around to try and get them out of old silver britches.”
Honus opened his mouth to ask when Marren pointed at him. “Just let it go. We need to get to sleep so we can get going in the morning.” He pointed at Rooster. “And I’m sure that one’s going to have us up at daybreak.”
“I don’t see why.” Rooster said. He cocked his head to the side. “What’d you find to eat?”
“Some dried meat and some sharp cheese.”
“I’ll pass on the cheese but I’ll take a piece of meat or two.”
Marren tore a long sliver of meat and tossed it to Rooster. “There ya go.” He pulled a knife from his sock. “Cheese for you, young man?”
Honus nodded as he sat in a rocking chair. “Please.”
Marren wiped the knife on his pant leg then sliced the remaining piece of dried meat in half. He leaned forward and offered it to Honus. “Get the cheese next.”
Rooster pecked and clawed at the meat. “This is some dry meat.”
Honus bit into his piece of meat and tore off a chunk. “Well, any food is good food when you’re hungry.” He reached out and took a large piece of crumbly cheese from Marren. “And it’s always easier sleeping on a full belly.”
“Very true,” Marren said.
The trio ate the meat and cheese, chatting until the sun was down. Finally, they went to sleep- Honus and Marren on the bed and Rooster begrudgingly perched on the rocking chair.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Maaaa!”
Marren opened an eye. “What was that?”
“Chic Chiri Chí!”
“That sounds like Rooster. Must mean the sun’s up.” Honus said.
“No, not that second one.” Marren closed his eye
“Maaaa!”
“There, that one.” Marren said. “Honestly, how many languages does that chicken speak?”
“Maaaa!”
“Chic Chiri Chí!”
Honus sat up. “There’s no way we’re getting more sleep with all that racket; we might as well get going.”
“Starting this early, we should be able to reach the Witch’s castle just after dark.”
“Maaaa!”
“Cock-a-doodle-doo even!”
Honus swung his legs off the bed, lifting them up and over Maren who was sleeping with his head opposite him. “Is he changing his voice now?” He padded to the door and opened it.
A large wolf lunged at the open door.
Honus slammed the door shut.
“Don’t open the door!” Rooster yelled.
“Now you tell me!” Honus yelled back.
The wolf clawed at the door.
“That’s what I was saying earlier!” Rooster yelled.
“Maaaa!”
“No, I don’t think he understood you either.” Rooster said.
Marren sat up and looked at the roof. “Who’s on the roof with you?”
The wolf stopped clawing at the door.
No one said anything for a long moment.
Marren hopped off the bed. “That’s just annoying.” He looked up again. “Who is on the roof with you?”
“Oh me? I thought you were talking to the goat.”
“Let’s sneak out the back and let the wolves have him,” Marren said. He moved to the window. It was too high for him to see out. “Is the coast clear?”
Honus went to Marren and pushed open the window. Two wolves were looking at the roof of the cottage. “No; there are two more wolves out here.”
“Hey, Rooster, how many wolves are outside?”
“All of them!” Rooster called back. “Don’t tell me you let them inside!”
“No, you stupid bird!” Marren yelled. “We’re trying to figure out how many wolves are out there!”
“Oh, okay.” Rooster said.
No one said anything for a long moment- only the sound of snarling wolves broke the silence.
Until Marren screamed: “HOW MANY WOLVES ARE OUT THERE YOU STUPID CHICKEN!”
“Three. Keep your pants on; there are three of them.” Rooster said.
“Maaaa?”
“Oh, right. Sorry; four. Four’s the number.”
“That stupid bird.” Marren scooted across the room and pushed a chair to the window then hopped onto it. “Let me see.”
Two of the wolves were sitting looking up- ostensibly at Rooster and the goat.
“I suppose the other two are on the other side of the house. We could just wait them out.”
Honus shook his head at the little man. “No; we’re in a real fix here. All the meat’s gone, and we have no water.”
“Cheese is gone too.”
A thought occurred to Honus. A thought that would never have occurred to him back home. “Excuse me Mister Wolves,” he called out the window.
One of the wolves turned to look at him. “What?” it asked.
“Do you think we could talk this over?”
“Talk what over?” The wolf asked. It looked back at the roof. “Seems prrrretty settled to me.”
“You stupid wolf!” Rooster called down from the roof. “Go chase your tail or something!”
The wolf gestured at the roof with a paw. “Hear that? He’s been doing that all morning. We’re going to eat the little loudmouth.”
“Well maybe we could...”
“You wouldn’t know a good meal unless a cat pooped it!”
“Rooster!” Honus said loudly. “Please let me handle this.”
“I still say we leave them,” Marren said. “Seems their beef is with that rooster.”
“Can we talk this over?” Honus tried again. “We’re on an important job right now and we need that rooster to help out.”
“Honestly, I can’t imagine that rrrrooster helping with anything.” The Wolf said matter-of-factly.
“I’m the leader of this group, you stupid dog!”
The wolf looked at Honus. He let one ear flop down as his head tilted to the side. “Rrreally?”
Honus shook his head.
So did Marren, who then pointed at his ear with a finger and twirled it around. With the other hand, he gestured at the roof.
The wolf nodded.
“They are both nodding, aren’t they? They confirmed I am the one in charge!” Rooster said proudly. “Cock a doodle doo!” He crowed triumphantly.
“Grrrrreat.” The wolf rolled his eyes. “Just great. What’s this all-important job?”
“We’re...” Honus looked down at Marren.
Marren shrugged. “I’d just tell him; if you can’t trust a wolf, we’ve got bigger troubles.”
“We’re going to the Witch of the South to use her magical star to help us get back home.” He said diplomatically- he wasn’t sure whose side the wolves were on.
“If you get the chance to kill that witch while you’re there, we’d appreciate it.” The wolf said.
The other wolf growled. “Kill her really most sincerely dead.”
“That’s what I said!” Rooster called down.
“What’s with the goat?” The wolf asked. It looked back up at the roof. “It with you as well?”
“We don’t know anything about a goat.” Honus said. “It’s just me, this man, and the rooster.”
“Maaaa!” The goat said loudly.
“The goat’s with me,” Rooster said. “I need a second in command.”
“We’re not taking some goat with us!” Marren said. “One stupid rooster is all the wildlife we can tolerate.”
“She cooks,” Rooster said. “Famous cook, this goat is.”
The wolf ran its tongue along one side of its mouth, over its nose and across the other side. When it got there, it just hung down. “Tasty things, goats.”
“Maaa!”
“We can’t just leave it here to get eaten,” Honus said quietly to Marren.
The wolf perked an ear toward the window.
“We don’t owe that goat anything,” Marren said.
The wolf nodded.
“Well, I’d feel bad just leaving it here to get eaten.”
“Honus, listen to reason; the more in our group, the slower we’ll go.”
The wolf nodded.
“And,” Marren continued, “what’ve you got against wolves anyway? They’ve got to eat, you know. This pack seems pretty reasonable to me.”
The wolf drooled.
“This will be the last one.” Honus said.
The wolf shook its head.
Marren sighed loudly. “A cooking goat?” His eyebrows went up. “Say, are you Gertrude?”
“Thaaat’s me!” The goat said. “Heard of me, have ya?”
“Come on.” Honus said. “You know this goat?”
The wolf lowered his head. “Crrrrud.” He had heard of her as well.
“She a famous cook.” Marren said. “Cooked for the Wizard, and high courts even.”
“She ever cook for the Witch of the South?” Honus asked.
“I don’t know. Probably though.”
“You ever cook for the Witch of the South?” Honus asked loudly.
“Me? No.” Rooster said. “Of course not.”
Marren covered his face with his hands. “Not you, you stupid bird; the goat!” He clenched his fists. “Have you ever cooked for the Witch of the South!” He shouted.
“Sure I have.” Gertrude answered.
The wolf scowled.
“Mister Wolf, if you could see yourself letting the goat come with us, we would appreciate it. Since she’s been in the witch’s castle, she can help us get in.”
“What about the rooster?” The wolf cocked its head to the side. “Yerrr not gonna need him, rrright?”
“What rooster?” Marren asked. “We don’t know anything about a rooster, right Honus?”
A smile came to the Wolf’s face- long white teeth prominently displayed. “Now you’re talking! Meat’s back on the menu, boys!”
“We can’t just leave him behind.”
The Wolf’s smile faded. His left ear drooped again. “Come on now.”
“Honus is right!” Rooster said. “Without me you’re leaderless! Foundering in a sea of despair even. Lost in a vast desert of unknowingness.”
“It would serve your bellies well to not eat that gristly rooster,” Marren said. “Sour stomachs for a week, I’d imagine.”
“What?” Rooster said. He strutted back and forth on the peak of the roof. “Why I’ll have you know I’d be the most tender and delicious meal they’ve had all.... errr.” He scowled. “What I mean is...”
“Gads, just take that loudmouth and get out of our territory,” the Wolf said as it stood. “Let’s go find some nice quiet food someplace else.”
With that the four wolves padded off.
But not without Rooster tossing at them: “Best decision you’ve made this week! That’s like two months in dog years!”
“Rooster! Be quiet and get down here.” Honus turned from the window and went to the door. “Let’s get going, Marren. You said we could get to the castle by nightfall?”
Marren hopped off the chair. “If all goes smoothly and we keep to a good pace, we should be there right after nightfall.”
“Don’t even look back!” Rooster shouted at the wolves.
“Smoothly might be asking for too much,” Honus said. He opened the door. “Let’s go meet this famous goat.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Honus and Marren walked around the side of the cottage.
“And that’s when I learned I was lactose intolerant,” Rooster said to the goat.
“Maaaybe you could use almond milk instead.”
“Didn’t know you could even milk an almond.” Rooster said. “Almonds have teats? How’s that done?”
“Get down here Rooster,” Honus said. “We have a chance of getting to the castle today if we can stay on task.”
Gertrude shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know; maybe fairies do it with their small hands?”
“Seems reasonable.” Rooster agreed.
“Let’s leave them both up there.” Marren suggested.
“Let’s go!” Honus called up at the pair.
Rooster spread his wings. “Like the mighty eagle, I soar!” He leapt away from the peak of the roof, gliding to the ground in a wide figure-eight. When he got there, he strutted back and forth. “Oh, that was soaring all right. Right there out on the wide-open sky. Soaring. You all looked like peasants from up there.”
“I think the term is ‘ants’”, Marren said.
“Whatever. Something small and insignificant.” Rooster flapped his winds. “In any case, completely unlike the majestic rooster.”
The goat sat back on her butt as she judged the distance to the ground. “Here goes nothing.” She bounced up and down until she started to slide down the roof. When she reached the end of it, she stuck out all four legs, hoping to land softly.
She landed on Rooster who was still strutting back and forth.
Not very softly.
“Hey how, I’ve got hollow bones you know!” Rooster pushed himself from under the goat. “All majestic birds have them.”
“Sorry about that,” Gertrude said. She looked up at Honus. “Hello there, young maaaan. I’m Gertie.” She gave a curt nod.
“Nice to meet you.” Honus nodded back. “I’m Honus. That’s Marren.”
Marren put his hands on his hips. “And now that the crisis is resolved, it was nice meeting you, goat.” He tilted his head toward the path. “Let’s get moving, daylight’s wasting.”
“I figured she’d come with us.” Honus said. “I mean...”
“Why? It’s bad enough we got this chicken...”
“Rooster. Majestic Rooster,” Rooster corrected.
“... along for the ride,” Marren ignored Rooster as he continued, “and honestly, I’m not sure why.” He looked down at Rooster. “Well?”
“I’m trying to get home, of course.” Rooster replied. “Then I’ll definitely, positively, really most assuredly go my own way.”
“Well, I appreciate the string of adverbs, Rooster.” Marren said. “And since you’re from here, there’s no reason for you to come along.” He said to the goat.
“She’s familiar with the witch’s castle,” Honus offered.
Marren rolled his eyes. “You seen one castle, you’ve seen them all; big moat, towers, winged monkeys hopping around.”
The goat nodded. “Well, that does describe her castle pretty well. But I’ve got a score to settle with that witch.”
“Vengeance, huh?” Marren said.
“Exactly; there’s no altruistic ‘get more thoughtful or wise’ for me.” Gertie spat.
