Venus Envy, page 31
“I’ll say.” Frazier couldn’t take her eyes off the sky. “I’m off fireworks anyway.”
“Oh, yes, you did make a mess—but you had help in doing so,” he corrected himself. “Might I interest you in an afternoon delight? Even the king of the gods is a slave before you.”
A mocking voice called from the house, “Daddy, that line’s got gray hairs.” Venus, dressed in jeans and a white cotton shirt open to her navel, barefooted, trotted out to her father.
Dejected, he said, “Oh, you’ve spoiled it. She’ll never go to bed with me now.”
“She can do as she pleases but don’t you think Juno will see the sky? She can’t be that far away—and when she observes your handiwork—she’s going to be on you like a hawk on a mouse. Actually, she’ll take it out on Frazier. She always does.”
“Damn.” Jupiter turned to Frazier. “I should have exercised some self-control.” His voice lowered to a creamy baritone. “But that’s the problem—around you I have no control.”
“I wouldn’t have missed that show for the world.” Frazier grinned.
“Daddy, I think I’ve got to take her back home. You wouldn’t want her changed into a bull like Europa, or think what she did to Aegina. Do you want a dragon to demolish Richmond? The Yankee armies were bad enough.”
“Oh”—he rubbed his head—“that woman!”
“At least the women she destroyed or harmed had the benefit of sleeping with you. All Frazier did was watch your—”
“Truly impressive cock.” Frazier smiled her biggest smile.
Jupiter emotionally turned to a puddle at this compliment. “If only we could have had even one night together. I promise you would not have been disappointed.”
“Perhaps I will return.”
He patted her hand. “You must go back home, much as we would love to keep you here.”
A cloud on the horizon gave evidence of Juno’s approach.
Venus grabbed Frazier’s hand. “Come on, honey. Tits to the wind.”
59
AHH.” MERCURY MOANED IN HIS SLEEP, A PLEASURABLE moan. Venus shook him again. He opened his eyes. “Huh?”
“Put your pants on. We need to get Frazier out of here.”
Frazier, big-eyed, peered out the window as the cloud grew darker and larger. “She’s picking up steam.”
“That’s not all she’s picking up.” Venus sighed.
“What’s the matter?” Mercury wiped his eyes and swung his feet over the edge of the bed.
“Juno’s about to pitch a hissy.”
“Oh, no.” He quickly tied on his winged sneakers. “Jupiter again?” Mercury remarked to Frazier: “Did you bang that old boy?”
“No, I did not,” Frazier replied with dignity. “But he felt compelled to show me how big his cock was and he jerked off into the sky. The rainbow was really beautiful.”
“He’ll never learn.” Mercury took Frazier’s right hand while Venus took the left. “Hang on to us.”
As they took off, Frazier heard Juno call, “Husband?”
Jupiter replied, “Yes, my sweetling. I’m here in the garden.”
“And not alone, you lying son of a bitch!” Juno bellowed. She stormed, literally, into the garden.
As Jupiter contended with his bellicose partner, Venus and Mercury sped through the estate, escaping through the front door. Once out in the open they shot through the air and Frazier noticed that Mercury wore his ancient helmet.
Behind him the sky darkened, thunder and lightning engulfing Sans Souci.
Venus looked over her shoulder. “She’s not buying it. And he’s losing his temper too.”
“As long as he occupies her for a bit. Once she puts her nose to the ground she’ll be like a bloodhound.”
“But I didn’t do anything,” Frazier protested.
“Oh, honey, since when does the truth have a thing to do with it? She wants to be a victim. She relishes the pain and she glories in inflicting it upon the object of his affections. If she had any guts she’d cut his balls off.” Venus ducked a low branch on a cherry tree. “Actually, if she had a grain of sense she’d realize he is what he is and she’d better love him as he is. No one ever changes anyone else unless they want to be changed.”
“We could go to your husband’s forge.” Mercury was thinking out loud.
“That Momma’s boy?” Venus curled her lip. “He’d sell us out in a heartbeat.”
“Not if you worked on him.” Mercury, too, looked over his shoulder. The sky behind them, inky black, was shot through with golden and blue lightning. “Shit, those two are really having a Mr. and Mrs. I’m glad I never got married.”
“So am I,” Venus replied, tongue in cheek. She noticed that Frazier had tears in her eyes, they were moving so fast. “Can you breathe?”
“Barely,” Frazier gasped.
“You incline that way. Your bronchitis. Hang on a little longer until we’re clear of immediate danger,” Mercury advised.
“How about the chapel of Nicholas Fifth in the Vatican?” Frazier choked out. “Fra Angelico’s. It’s so pure and simple.”
“What in the world made you think of that?” Mercury, worried, wished he had brought his tiny wristwatch TV so he could check locations before they wasted time getting there.
“I figured she wouldn’t go near anything that was Christian,” Frazier logically replied.
“Good idea,” Venus praised her, “but you don’t know the queen of the gods. She takes credit for anything beautiful, for any painting or statue in which a woman is the dominant figure. She even claims pantyhose. She swears it impedes rape. We’d look like three tourists and it wouldn’t take her long to find us.”
“Can’t Jupiter help us out?”
“Do you want to be turned into a constellation?” Mercury said. “He can’t control her.”
“How come you two don’t like her—I mean, apart from these rampages of hers?”
“She’s not my mother,” Venus answered.
“Nor mine, and she can be a vicious bitch to her stepchildren but, oh, how she dotes on Mars and Vulcan. She’s cold to you until she needs you, and as you can imagine, she often needs me.”
“She rarely needs me,” Venus matter-of-factly added. “Juno only likes women who are obedient. And men. Kiss her ass and she’s happy.”
An explosion in the distance worried them. “Damn.” Mercury grimaced.
“If even one mirror in my house is cracked I will tear out every hair of her moustache.”
This made Frazier laugh and she nearly let go of Venus’s hand. “Whoa.”
“Hold tight.” Venus grabbed her under the elbow. “Try that.” The goddess pointed to a grotto below them. “We can hide until we come up with a better plan.”
They dropped down and quickly entered the cool, moist cave filled with Cro-Magnon drawings. Odd bits of pillars bore testament to worship over the millennia.
“Maybe they’ll blow themselves out,” Mercury hoped.
“This is very old.” Goose bumps appeared on Frazier’s arms. “And very holy.”
“The faith of centuries.” Mercury traced a bison with his finger. “In the old days everyone got along, you know. The Norse gods were fine and we were fine and whatever gods the Incas and Aztecs believed in, everybody managed. Then the craze for one god took over and suddenly tolerance went out the window. Believe as I believe. Worship as I worship. Dress as I dress. Think as I think. It’s deadly—and it makes it quite easy to kill.”
“What do you mean?” Frazier couldn’t take her eyes off the drawings.
“Well, if someone doesn’t believe as you believe, then they are stupid or in league with the Devil. Off with their heads.”
“Ah, yes, plenty of that in my century.” Frazier was beginning to feel a prisoner of time—her time.
“See these stepping-stones to the altar?” Venus pointed to the ground.
“Smooth as the moon and worn down like half moons.” Frazier knelt to run her hands over the deep depressions in the stones.
“How many thousands of years did it take for them to shine like this, to be caressed by those myriad human feet? These stones are the residue of higher yearnings. Does it matter if the original supplicants in this grotto wore bearskins and worshipped the Ursa Major or, later, togas and worshipped Diana? Yes, this looks like one of her shrines. And still later they came, hiding and trembling to draw sustenance from one another and share the word of Jesus—the emotions were the same. The reaching for something finer, for something that offered tranquillity in the midst of chaos. It’s all true. Pagan, Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian—the emotions are true. The doctrine is false.”
“I pray I can remember all this when I get home.”
“You will,” Mercury assured her. He moved to the mouth of the cave. “Dammit to Hades. She’s heading this way.”
“Want to make a run for it?” Venus joined him to check the horizon.
“We have two things to our advantage,” he said. “She’s getting so nearsighted and she’s too vain to wear glasses and she’s not as fast as she used to be. She might pass us by.”
“Yes, but on the chance that she doesn’t, let me see if there’s a way out of here through the back.”
“Let me go with you,” Frazier offered.
“Stay with Mercury. If this is one of the ways down to Pluto, then you can’t go there. If you cross the river Styx, that’s it, Frazier. It really is the river of No Return.”
“Charon, the ferryman, will take your money too,” Mercury growled. “Actually, he’s not so bad. He doesn’t charge any more than the Staten Island ferry, but you have no idea how greedy Pluto is. Not only will you be stuck in Hades, you’ll be flat broke. Hurry up, Venus. Her eyesight may be failing but she’s not stupid.”
Venus disappeared into the back. Bats flew up, she emitted a low, soft whistle, and they flew with her into the deep recesses of the cave.
Mercury left the mouth of the cave. He embraced Frazier. “Fasten your seat belt. We’ll get through it.” He kissed her on the neck.
Outside, the wind picked up and the rumble, rumble heralded the approach of the goddess, who was hitting the ground hard as she strode.
Venus, cobwebs in her beautiful hair turning to silver, motioned for them to follow. They hurried to her side. She led them to a tiny room off the main cave. “This will have to do. If she finds us, I’ll have to hold her down while you two get out.”
“She’s big and strong and even though it was forever ago she was no coward during the war with the Titans. I’d better occupy her.” Mercury’s voice was hoarse.
“You’re faster than I am. You need to get Frazier home.” Venus stated the obvious.
The footfall was deafening and stopped at the grotto. The three froze, the plan unfinished.
Juno entered the cave. “I know you’re in here. Give yourself up and I’ll be lenient with you.” She waited. “I know I have a reputation for vengeance but those stories are told by my detractors. After all, I’m a woman, too, and I know how seductive men can be, especially that man. He can talk a dog off a meat wagon. Now I will count to ten. If you don’t voluntarily give yourself up I’ll find you and it will be the worse for you, human. One, two, three …”
As she counted Venus crouched down, ready to spring if Juno tracked them down.
On seven a great huffing and puffing could be heard.
“Juno, you’ll catch a cold in here.” Jupiter had followed her to the cave.
“You don’t care what happens to me.”
“Of course I do, darling. You mustn’t jump to conclusions.”
“Ha! With your track record? I’d be a blistering idiot to believe one word from you. In fact I can always tell when you’re lying—your mouth is moving!” She returned to her counting. “Eight.”
“Honey, let’s talk this over.”
“I am going to find that human tart, that quivering piece of flesh and blood, and turn her into a python.”
Cleverly Jupiter replied, “That’s redundant.”
“I have never changed anyone into a python.”
“I know that, sugarplum”—his deep voice, sweet as honey, rolled over the words—“but Athena turned Medusa into a half-snake half-woman with that awful hair. You don’t want to be accused of being a copycat.”
This hit home and Juno paused a moment. “Athena would tell everyone that, too, and in her most judicious voice. I wish you didn’t favor her so much. And that bullshit about her not having a mother—Metis was her mother and the whole world knows it.”
“She feels motherless.” He realized he’d get nowhere defending his daughter. “And I myself, much as I love her, have always thought she made quite a mistake in not allowing you to be a mother to her and teach her the womanly virtues.”
“You never told me that.”
“You never asked.”
“You’re trying to keep me from my task. Come out and show yourself, you little blond vixen! I won’t turn you into a python. I promise. I’ll cover you with cellulite. That’s worse!”
“Lamby-pie, you’re getting flushed in the face. Now remember your blood pressure. Let’s get out of the damp.”
“Did you go to bed with that girl?”
“I did not.”
“Then why was the sky full of your sperm?”
“Iris was playing jokes on us. She’s in charge of rainbows and I think she hasn’t enough to do these days—with all the pollution in the cities, who can seek the rainbows? I’m sure she was playing a joke on us.”
“Somebody shot the dots off Iris’s dice. She’s not smart enough to think of a joke like that.”
“All right then. I’ll tell the truth but you forced me to it.” He held out the bait. She drew closer to him. “Venus’s gardens appeal to me. I find solace and comfort there when business becomes too pressing. The rose fragrance curled into my nostrils and reminded me of you and suddenly I was overcome with desire—but, darling, you were nowhere in sight. So I jerked off and I called your name when I came.”
Juno’s eyes narrowed to slits. “Really.”
“I can’t stand humans anymore. They all go to therapists now. I can’t sleep with them. Could you stand stories about their fear of the dark or their lack of self-esteem? Apart from that, I’m older now. I’ve learned something from the centuries.”
How fine those words sounded to Juno. “What’s happened to them? They used to worship me properly, and you, of course. Now they blame everything on their mothers. I’m bearing the brunt of this, metaphorically, and I swear I’ll get even. Men are afraid to write about their mothers. They’re afraid to admit they love their mothers. Sigmund Freud made cowards and liars out of them. These … these candy-asses caved in to a Viennese doctor without a fight. It’s outrageous. Men caved in to an idea and it wasn’t even an idea backed up by guns. Astonishing.”
“I quite agree and I think we’ve got to do something about it.” He put his mighty arm around her waist. “The Electra complex offends me as much as the Oedipus complex offends you, sweetheart. Drivel. Why, humans have no more backbone than a chocolate éclair.” He bussed her cheek. “Say, how about a chocolate éclair and some coffee at your place? Then we could … play.”
“I make the best chocolate éclairs,” Juno bragged.
“And the best love.” Jupiter, with a sigh of profound relief, guided his wife out of the cave.
Frazier, Venus, and Mercury waited a long time before venturing out.
“If we’d stayed in there long enough I would have had to use my Girl Scout skills.” Frazier wiped the clammy sweat off her brow.
“Hey, bumping you off the local board of the Girl Scouts was a cheap shot.” Mercury peeked out of the mouth of the cave. “They’re gone.”
“Just to be safe, let’s wait a bit longer before going outside. It’s entirely possible they could have another fight on the way to her kitchen.” Venus sat on the altar. “Frazier, would you have made us eat bugs and start fires by rubbing sticks together?”
“I thought we could rub together,” came the swift reply.
“My, my, we are feeling good.” Mercury laughed.
“What I feel is gratitude. I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life looking like cottage cheese.”
“You could invent a Girl Scout badge for surviving cellulite,” Venus told her.
“Girl Scouts should have badges for adulthood and middle age.” Frazier walked to the mouth of the cave. “Let’s see. We could have a badge for surviving divorce. A badge for loss of job and loss of hair, badges for bankrupting yourself sending the kids through college, and certainly a badge for braving your first face-lift. However, knot-tying has to be done in bed.”
“Ooo, I like that.” Mercury experienced a twinge of lust. He would have liked to carry on but prudence dictated he get Frazier back to earth.
“Let’s walk for a while and then we can pick up the pace.” Venus, now outside, called them to join her.
As they walked along the ancient path laid with cobblestones, the sun popped out from behind the clouds and the raindrops on the leaves sparkled with tiny rainbows, reminding Frazier of Jupiter’s multicolored emission.
“Do you two know about AIDS?” she asked. Why the thought occurred to her she didn’t know. Perhaps it was because she couldn’t imagine a god and goddess feeling pain.
“Oh, yes,” Mercury said. “We can’t contract it but we’re aware of it.”
“Do you feel pain?” Frazier wanted to know.
“Of course. Remember your Iliad? Mars and Athena mixed it up on the plains of Troy. I think she cut him on the thigh and he howled bloody murder. Healed right up, though.”
“Mercury, was that Athena?” Venus asked.
“I’ll ask her next time I see her. Maybe she put a human up to it. Anyway, yes we can feel pain but we heal very quickly.”
“On earth, I think the Reagan and Bush administrations will be remembered one hundred years hence as the people who could have stopped the plague but chose not to because the right people were dying.” Frazier’s jaw set hard.
