Mr. and Mrs. Shift, page 1
MR. AND MRS. SHIFT
SEMI-COZY PARANORMAL FUN
WITCHIN’ IMPOSSIBLE MYSTERIES
BOOK 4
RENEE GEORGE
BARKSIDE OF THE MOON PRESS
Mr. and Mrs. Shift: Witchin’ Impossible Cozy Mysteries Book 4
Copyright © 2019 by Renee George
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the copyright holder.
Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement by the author of this work.
This is a work of fiction. All characters and storylines in this book are inspired only by the author’s imagination. The characters are based solely in fiction and are in no relation inspired by anyone bearing the same name or names. Any similarities to real persons, situations, or incidents is purely coincidental.
Print ISBN: 978-1-947177-32-1
Publisher: Barkside of the Moon Press
NO AI TRAINING: Without in any way limiting the author’s [and publisher’s] exclusive rights under copyright, any use of this publication to “train” generative artificial intelligence (AI) technologies to generate text is expressly prohibited. The author reserves all rights to license uses of this work for generative AI training and development of machine learning language models.
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
Blurb
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
FurOut - Sneak Peek
Pit and Miss Murder - Sneak Peek
Paranormal Mysteries & Romances
About the Author
For Steve
Thank you for loving me, even when I don’t make it easy.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
A special THANK YOU to the fabulous Robyn Peterman, an awesomely funny writer and my favorite cookie, for allowing me the privilege to write in her world and then turning around and allowing me to turn this series into my own world. I love your guts, woman!!
Also, I must thank my BFF and critique partner Michele Bardsley. You complete me! And to my sister Robbin, whom I would be completely lost without.
To my Rebels, you all RAWK! You keep me going every day with your support. I love you to the moon and back.
To my fans, I would not be anything without you. Seriously. If you keep reading, I’ll keep writing! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. If I were reviewing you all, you would get five-gazillion stars and a million-gazillion smooches.
Oh! And lest I forget, thank you strong, black coffee. Without you, I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, let alone write a single word.
A witchy bride. An itchy groom. A flower girl squirrel. And a dead wedding planner. Why is nothing ever easy in Paradise Falls?
I'm finally marrying the love of my life, werebear Ford Baylor, in a ceremony that will bind our souls forever. But of course, party crashers have other plans for this anxious bride—like killing me before the ceremony.
With the help of Tizzy the squirrel and Lily Mason, Ford and I are determined to track down the killer and make the midnight deadline. But if we can’t stop the person behind the bounty on my head, the wedding may be off. Permanently.
What’s this Witchzilla to do when everything on her special day goes wrong? I do everything I can to ensure I don’t lose my one shot at true happiness.
For me and the gang, it’s just another day in Paradise Falls.
CHAPTER 1
“WELL, that’s it. The wedding is off,” chirped Tizzy, my familiar, a red flying squirrel with a flair for the dramatic. Although, in this case, there was a reason for the drama.
“The wedding is not off,” I whispered harshly.
“Hazel, you no longer have a wedding planner!”
“I don’t need a wedding planner,” I countered. “Especially one who just tried to kill me, for Goddess’ sake. Now, help me hide the body.”
I manufactured a calm demeanor. Which was difficult. My wedding planner, Vivi Lashay, a perky and enthusiastic witch who had been my confidant and closest ally in my war on flowers and cake, had just tried to shoot me with a silenced Walther PK380. That was the weapon of an assassin, not a person who specialized in making brides feel special.
“Goddess, Haze,” said my BFF since kindergarten, Lily Mason. She leaned over, holding her long auburn hair back with one hand so the silky strands wouldn’t fall into the corpse. “Smells remarkably like barbeque mixed with ozone.”
“Ewww.” Tizzy skittered up to my shoulder. “You cooked her.”
I gagged but managed to get it under control before dry heaves started. I had a very active gag reflex, a fact that could make some things in the bedroom more difficult, but I’d learned how to control it somewhat during my fifteen years at the FBI working serial killings and murders—and let’s not forget Peter the Prick, the only flasher to ever make the FBI’s most-wanted list. Trust me. He deserved prison time for waggling that diseased-pocked penis at unsuspecting women. However, Lily was right. Vivi smelled decidedly charbroiled.
Well, that was that. I’d never eat barbecue again.
Gak! I put my fingers against my lips.
“Are you going to puke?” asked Tizzy.
“No. And don’t say puke.” I swallowed my gorge. “Okay. The sendoff party is in a couple of hours.” I tugged the hem of my slip over my knees, side-stepped Vivi’s body, and used my toe to nudge the gun out of her lifeless hand.
Lily shook her head. “I heard the last time someone did the bonding ceremony out here, the bride got hit by lightning. It might just be the place. Bad luck and all.”
Bindings were a rarity, and I hadn’t heard of any ceremonies taking place since I’d taken over as chief of police. “When did this happen?”
“A long time ago. Like when we were kids. It wasn’t anyone my parents knew, so I could be remembering wrong. Still. Maybe we should cancel the binding or at least postpone it.”
“No!” I said emphatically. “I am not canceling. I am not canceling anything.” In Paradise Falls, the town is half witches, half shifters. Shifters mated for life, while witches were more like humans, in that marriages didn’t always last. The founders, in their wisdom, put a halt to fly-by-night nuptials by creating a bonding spell that prevented witches from breaking their vows. The ceremony would take place at midnight tonight under the Goddess’ Light Temple, aka an open gazebo on the lake. The sendoff would end at ten o’clock, and I would return to the room to change into my wedding gown and receive blessings from all the female guests before they followed me out to the gazebo to meet Ford and take his soul to mine.
Then we would be genuinely mated and wed by both witch and shifter standards. Breaking the bonds required some dark and deadly magic. I knew that for a fact. After all, my father had obliterated my mom when he’d separated his life force from hers.
Don’t worry. She had it coming.
Even so, Dad had spent seventeen years in witch jail for the crime. Since Dad and Mom’s break-up via explosive magic, the bonding ceremony had become optional. But since Ford didn’t have a choice in loving me for the rest of his life, I wasn’t going to be any less committed. I would happily join my soul to his over and over again, but that meant we needed witnesses. The binding fed off physical energy, so the more witnesses, the stronger the binding, and I’d opened the invitation to my witchy wedded bliss to everyone I could think of. I wasn’t sure if I could get this many people to show up twice.
“No,” I said again. “No postponement. We have twenty-eight RSVPs arriving for dinner and close to two hundred more for the binding ceremony, including some family from out of town, and I’m not going to turn them all away because of one itty-bitty, well-deserved death.” I’m pretty sure I sounded hysterical, but I didn’t care. I’d been planning for this week since November, and I could see my whole wedding going the way of Vivi Lashay.
Tiz, from my shoulder, looked down at the cooked wedding planner and whistled. “Goddess in a tutu, Haze. You burned a hole clean through her.”
A tunnel the width of a softball had replaced the area where Vivi’s heart used to be located. It had created a passage, cauterizing her flesh, arteries, and veins as it traveled through her body. I frowned. “I didn’t mean to.” My witch powers had been getting stronger over the past year and a half, ever since I’d come back home, but my ability to control them hadn’t progressed as fast. The results were sometimes disastrous. “I only meant to shock her.”
“That’s not shocked.” Tizzy pressed her tiny fingers to her chest. “I’m shocked.” She pointed at the corpse. “That’s a full-scale electrocution. The only thing missing is the electric chair.”
“If she hadn’t tried to shoot me, I wouldn’t have had to defend myself.” I walked to the window and stared out at the wedding guests milling around the yard. I was feeling shaky from the near-death experience. “Barbecued assassin is the last thing I need right now.”
Lily joined me and put her arm around my shoulders. “Nobody needs this kind of thing, honey. Especially when you’re trying to marry your soul mate. Even so, I’m wondering if maybe I shouldn’t have your father translocate Parker bac
I watched Lily’s human boyfriend, Parker Knowles, having a conversation with my soon-to-be father-in-law. Parker laughed at something Brent Baylor said, and Brent smiled, which, in turn, made me smile. Parker had known that Lily was a cougar shifter for almost a year now, and it hadn’t mattered. Lily waved to Parker from the window. He smiled up at her and waved back. He loved her. Even a blind witch could see just how much.
I patted my best friend’s hand. “We are back on the Happiness Train as of now, so Parker stays. You two are adorable together, and he seems to be handling the whole supernatural town thing pretty well.”
“On account of he hasn’t seen the dead girl,” she said. She sighed wistfully. “What if I can’t protect him? You know, if the florist tries to stab you or something, and you go nuclear.”
“It’ll be fine.” I hoped. I wish I knew why Vivian had tried to shoot me. The short time I’d been back home, I had made a few enemies. The witches who had supported Adele Adams, and the families of Jenny Weaver and Romy Quinn. Plus, I was pretty sure the High Clowder would love to see me taken down a peg or two. Even so, I didn’t think any of them would hire an assassin to take me out. I know it was selfish, but I couldn’t help but wish Vivi had at least waited until the reception to take me out. Now, I had to do all the wedding coordination without any professional help.
A sharp knock at the door made me yelp.
“Everything okay in there?” My father, Kent Kinsey, was doing the traditional dad thing and giving me away. This antiquated ritual based on the idea that I was somehow property to be given away made my dad happy. I liked seeing him happy. Even if it sometimes grossed me out.
For example, he and his plus one—yuck—were staying in the Celestial Suite, across from the Groom’s Room and next to the Bride’s. Which meant, we shared a wall. I had warned him that I better not hear any monkey-rooster noises coming from that direction or else. Or else what? I had no idea, but I’d make sure it wasn’t pretty. What I didn’t take into consideration was that he could hear noises coming from my room as well. I had apologized more than once at breakfast for scarring him for life.
“It’s fine,” I lied. “Everything is A-okay.”
Lily said in a hushed voice, “Maybe we should just tell him. He might be able to help.”
I shook my head.
“I heard shouting,” Dad said.
I looked at Lily for help with a good lie. She shrugged. Absolutely no help at all. I rolled my eyes at her. She stuck out her tongue.
“Real mature,” I whispered.
She grinned.
With no input from the peanut gallery, I turned to the door and said to my dad, “It’s a new stress-release technique called Scream Your Pain.”
“Are you sure it’s not called Getting Cold Feet?” he asked.
“No!” As if. There was nothing cold about my feet or my feelings for Ford Baylor.
“Can I come in?”
“No!” shouted Tizzy, Lily, and I at the same time.
My father had a penchant for translocating into a room on a dime, so I added, “I’m naked.”
“All right. I’ll check on you in a bit.”
“Thanks, Dad.” I gave Tizzy side-eye. “Find me a place to put Vivi until I can think of something better. People are going to be traipsing in and out of this room for an hour before the ceremony, and I can’t have them tripping over her corpse.”
“Why don’t you just use your magic and store her somewhere private, I don’t know, like say, Wyoming, until after the festivities,” Lily said.
“My magic is unpredictable when I’m feeling calm. When I’m not calm,” I gestured to the body, “I blow holes in people. Knowing my luck, I’d shoot for Wyoming and end up with an inside-out Vivi on my cake table.”
“Fair point,” Lily said. “Nothing ruins a good wedding ceremony like corpse cake-topper.”
Tizzy sighed. “You know, hiding a body is very un-cop-like behavior.” She affected disappointment. “You’re the chief of police. This could seriously affect your reelection.”
I shooed her off my shoulder. “It won’t matter if someone murders me.”
Tizzy tugged my hair. “Now who’s being dramatic.”
“You weren’t here when she pointed that gun at me. Trust me, no extra drama here.” I glanced at Lily. “I think you better find Ford.”
Tizzy sighed theatrically. “Do we really have to involve old furry, saggy butt?”
“He has a middle-aged, sexy, firm-as-hell butt, and no fur on it, at least not when he’s in his human form.”
“Is this really the best topic of conversation considering the…” Tizzy gestured to the body.
“You think she cares?” I looked at Lily. “Will you get Ford for me?”
“Of course,” she said.
The high-pitched voice of doom said, “Isn’t it bad luck to see the bride before the wedding?”
“Don’t be daft. Besides, I don’t think my luck can get any worse.”
Lily flinched. “Did you really have to say that? It’s like inviting the Bad Luck demons to up the ante.”
“Death by electric zap is gonna be hard to top.” Tizzy jumped off my shoulder, spread her arms and legs, and glided to the vanity. Her soft, proficient landing would have given Superman a run for his money. She gave me a final look of disdain. “All I have to do is find a hiding spot for a dead wedding planner in a farmhouse full of people. Nooo problem.”
Lily squeezed my hand. She walked to the door and opened it a crack. “I’ll be right back with Ford.”
“Don’t you mean Fuzzy Wuzzy,” Tiz corrected and slid through the opening.
“Please don’t call—”
Tizzy was gone before I could finish.
Lily looked sympathetic. “I can talk to her if you want. I think she’s just scared.”
“Of what? I think I’ve proven I’ll go to great lengths to not lose her.” I’d even given up being a witch, which royally blew, for a short period of time when the High Clowder—which is just a formal way of saying a familiar council made up of a bunch of stuck-up cats—had tried to take her away from me and assign me some hairless nimrod named Lonnie in her stead. When I refused, they stripped me of my magic.
Let me just say here and now, being human, even for a couple of days, sucked ginormous, non-magical, hairy balls.
“I was willing to give up everything that makes me who I am to save Tiz.”
“She knows that on an intellectual level, but emotionally… She’s always been the most important being in your life until you moved back to Paradise Falls. Even though you and Ford are already mates, making it official with this binding will make it official with Tizzy that she has to share you for the rest of your long, long life.”
I hoped it was a long life. I almost died fifteen minutes ago, and the day wasn’t over yet. “She’s got a girlfriend, Lils.”
“Who you dislike for the same reasons she doesn’t always like Ford.”
“In my defense, the cat hated me long before I hated her.” But I had to admit that occasionally it hurt when Tiz would blow me off to spend time with Loopydoopy.
Lily laughed. Surprising, considering our current circumstance. “True story.”
I huffed. “I’ll talk to her.”
“I’ll be right back with your beau.”
After Lily left, I got up and shuffled to the window. I sniffled. As tears streamed my cheeks, the mineral mask on my face loosened and made the clay all gloopy. Damn it. This couldn’t be happening. Not on my wedding eve.
CHAPTER 2
L’AMORE CELESTIAL Gardens was a palatial three-story farmhouse on fifteen acres near Paradise Park, and the premiere venue for weddings and proms in Paradise Falls. Okay, it was the only venue. The Bride’s Boudoir was a circular room with large windows located on the third floor. It had a four-poster bed near the north windows, a large vanity, a tri-fold mirror, a plush sitting area with a love seat and two overstuffed loungers, and a circular ottoman. The entire color scheme was cream and ivory, even down to the fresh flowers in large vases strategically, yet tastefully placed. It was a bride’s fantasy come true.
