life

  away from you

  like

  you could survive

  without them.

  - mature

  maybe

  if you look long enough

  you can see the beauty

  in the damage

  not the brokenness

  i hate that

  you only seem excited

  when it’s beneficial

  when it’s time

  to claim things like

  good parenting

  home training

  me

  i hate that

  you seem to love me more

  now that the world can hear me speak

  you’re trying to

  love me into silence

  stuff my voice with memories

  of a person you try on

  when i know what’s underneath.

  phase be like

  question me

  confuse me

  abandon me

  choose me

  impersonate me

  abuse me

  take me

  control me

  fuck me

  mold me phase

  be like not.

  leave

  build a new life

  right in front of my eyes

  father unrelated children

  neglecting your own

  teaching my first lesson

  showing me

  i can come from

  someone

  and still

  be left alone

  setting the tone to seek

  love

  even through

  abandonment.

  - teacher’s pet

  i am tired of trying to be

  happy enough

  for everybody else.

  the roots have been

  sanctioned

  to break through the soil

  watch them sprout

  everywhere

  allow it to take up

  as much space as it needs

  repot if necessary

  never let it wilt

  just to stay somewhere that

  no longer feels like home.

  sometimes

  i feel like my friends and family

  are tired of my sadness . . .

  those days i just try a little harder to

  choose to survive.

  blood be like

  taunt me

  neglect me

  play me

  abandon me

  lie for me

  fuck me

  haunt me

  ignore me

  protect me

  control me

  forgive me

  - a slow drip

  they tell me that i am difficult

  too emotional

  they say i need to find a better passion

  one that just brings in the money

  and doesn’t tell their secrets

  they tell me that i am sad

  as if i am not myself

  as if conversations were only had

  after they got here

  - tag, you’re it.

  he called

  came in apology spoken

  vulnerability reeking

  without the need

  or desire

  for feedback

  acknowledging wounds

  i was made to believe were

  self-inflicted

  trauma only a distant father

  could recognize

  and begin to heal in one breath.

  - apologies from my father

  i send wishes like

  tight palms

  with shut eyes

  drowning sound out

  to let grams fall

  like boulders

  releasing every bit of me

  with desire.

  - well

  two americas

  blood splattered

  painted on every branch

  of our family tree

  thunderstorms

  thicker than

  saws to set me free

  they welcome me

  my magic

  my light

  they say

  i am

  a gift

  a token

  they welcomed me

  my laughter

  my entertainment

  my pain

  my movement

  but ask me

  to leave my roots

  at the door.

  - conditional seats

  we be

  parent

  athlete

  teacher

  lawyer

  doctor

  rapper

  singer

  dancer

  poet

  creator

  actor

  actress

  God

  and still

  Nigga.

  must be nice

  to try on our skin

  and fill your gaps with our reality

  cold enough to be sick

  Black enough for the risk

  remove the hood

  the hat

  the gloves

  we don’t have

  the luxury of warmth

  Black enough

  to be mistaken

  for thief

  for killer

  for perp

  Black enough to be everything

  but happy

  but child

  but scared

  Black enough to be everything but

  human.

  - winter days

  we are out here

  fighting for our lives

  just to be killed anyway.

  i don’t

  have to hold your hand

  i don’t

  have to feed you

  accessible

  news or information

  i don’t

  have to give grace

  where i feel there is none

  for me

  an ally

  by my definition

  shows up

  with

  or without me.

  if you’re

  more upset

  about the fact that i keep

  writing about my reality

  than helping me change it you

  become part of the problem.

  they call us everything but soft

  but delicate

  as if our skin ain’t butter

  as if our Black ain’t sweet

  like grace come easy

  like freedom is free

  sun-danced

  into the day

  praying that monday

  would be better

  tuesday i arrived

  broken

  wednesday’s gonna allow us

  to feel human again

  thursday feeling like

  my body’s given up

  free . . . i mean friday ain’t so sweet here

  saturdays but Black be

  resilient.

  - the weak isn’t Black

  nobody ever

  stencils a rainbow

  and thinks

  how beautiful it would be

  without color.

  and still

  if

  love is love

  why ain’t it?

  Black be pure. Black be joy. Black be scared. Black be

  laughter. Black be struggle. Black be happiness. Black be

  journey. Black be lonely. Black be gold. Black be painful.

  Black be beautiful. Black be healing. Black be restless. Black

  be guarded. Black be radical. Black be love. Black be honest.

  Black be talented. Black be hope. Black be stolen. Black

  be sacred. Black be magic. Black be worthy. Black be

  powerful. Black be passionate. Black be peace. Black be

  fruitful. Black be home. Black be tryna’ be broken.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  Black be resilient.

  snatch

  i was still trying to figure out

  what it was

  and all that it could do

  but you took it

  before i even knew what to do with it

  - snatched

  wrapped up in the smoke

  too much rage to be high

  watch me

  look me in the eyes

  i watch you

  i watch as you trace the outline of my body

  up to my face

  lock in my eyes

  and still feel nothing

  - ego

  the glow in your eyes is

  frightening

  you asked me

  to forget

  like

  past ain’t present

  like

  trust ain’t pending

  like

  hearts ain’t mending.

  i trace my body

  trying to find the places

  that feel good

  the places that are safe

  to touch

  to caress

  trying to find the places

  that can exist without memory

  the spots i can share

  without triggering

  she be

  ready

  or so she thinks

  tight enough

  for pleasure

  strong enough

  to sink.

  i wonder

  what it’s like

  to trust someone enough to climax.

  i thought i had escaped

  thought my day-mares were over

  thought it’d be good

  to have a friend

  to play with

  until the playing

  never stopped

  until the playing

  was no longer fun

  pretend daddy more present

  than my father ever was

  but at least

  i had a home

  i could depend on.

  my first kiss on flesh

  was nothing i’d imagine

  i played pretend so long i wish i could go back

  - running away from home into a graveyard

  i never liked dresses

  never liked the way they made me feel

  more accessible than delicate

  how some ignored the fact that

  i was supposed

  to keep my legs closed

  i mean crossed

  when wearing it

  how it made me feel like

  i was free

  how painful it was to discover

  i actually couldn’t fly

  how pretty they said i looked

  how it granted consent

  before i did

  how the attention was tunneled

  how it received more check ups

  than i ever have

  how it dressed up my sorrow

  how it made me disappear.

  - curtsy

  my story feels like adrenaline

  like challenge

  like what if i could fix it

  i felt like i needed permission

  to touch myself

  to make me feel good

  to feel more satisfaction than pain

  to take control back

  to know that it’s mine

  i felt like i needed to ask

  if it was okay to please me.

  take me

  closed eyes

  take me

  dark room

  take me

  half-clothed

  take me

  soundless

  love me

  love me

  comfort

  love me

  gentle

  love me

  passionate

  love me back

  into myself

  love

  me

  love

  me

  asé

  i am constantly working on the person my inner child

  needs me to become.

  i

  have to take

  responsibility

  over my heart

  over my spirit

  over myself.

  rest

  buy yourself some flowers

  light a candle

  dance

  sing

  release

  release

  release

  you

  have the ability

  to create your reality.

  the part of you

  that feels like

  or keeps telling you that

  you cannot do it

  is lying.

  i love myself more

  when i’m being honest

  honest about what i like

  honest about things i don’t

  complain

  all you want

  so long as it

  renders some

  solutions.

  i have the ability to rebirth as many times as i see fit.

  i am

  beautiful

  empathetic

  caring

  loving

  trustworthy

  i am

  a force to be reckoned with.

  - notes to self

  self-care

  is also

  screaming

  sleeping

  crying

  watching tv

  and

  maybe even

  throwing things.

  it’s okay if you want to start

  tomorrow.

  - gentle reminders

  i am grateful for life

  i am grateful for mercy

  i am grateful for my lessons

  i am grateful for my health

  i am grateful for creativity

  i am grateful for peace

  i am grateful for joy

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am grateful

  i am a combination

  of beautiful sunsets

  and never-ending rivers.

  take a deep breath

  place your hand over your heart

  create space

  give yourself grace

  love is always going to feel however you say it will because there’s power in your tongue.

  i dance in the mirror

  prancing around holding my belly

  i’m saying goodbye to my stomach

  for it will no longer look this way again.

  i sing into the morning

 

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