In the Likely Event, page 29
Her lips parted, and she stopped short.
“Bet you’re regretting wanting in now, huh?” My arms fell to my sides.
“I don’t understand,” she said, confusion puckering her forehead. “Are you talking about Ju—”
“Yes!” I interrupted. “It’s my fault that he’s dead. He yanked me out of the way when a timber rattlesnake struck after we’d both finished our forty-mile ruck march during selection, and it bit him instead.” It was the first time I’d said the words out loud.
She blinked. “Nate, that’s not your fault.”
“Yeah? Well, when I told him we had to tell someone, he refused and said he hadn’t come this far to get med-boarded before the interview portion, which was the final part of selection. Getting through the first courses—” I set my hands on top of my head and closed my eyes. “It was the hardest thing I’d ever done. The hardest thing any of us had done.” It took two deep breaths to steady me before I could continue. “So, I told him fine. I wouldn’t tell as long as he agreed to get help as soon as the interview was over.” And he’d grinned at me, so certain we’d both make it. “I let him walk into his interview with a venomous snakebite, and when it was my turn for the interview, when they told me one of my best friends had just died due to anaphylactic shock in the next room, I rolled with it, thinking it was part of the fucking interrogation. That they’d want a calm, cool, collected soldier in the unit, so that’s what I gave them. Figured we’d both get a laugh out of it afterward, except he really was dead.” There. I’d said it.
Someone knocked on the door.
“Oh God. Nate, you didn’t kill him.” Sadness filled her eyes, and I didn’t deserve an ounce of her pity.
“Yes, I did. If I’d told, gotten him help sooner, he’d be alive. Instead, I’m the one in the unit and he’s the one in the ground. How is that for letting you in, Izzy?”
Another knock sounded.
“That’s why you were so distraught. It wasn’t just that he died.” She came toward me, her face crumpling in a way that made me want to take every word back and just hold her. “I knew something was wrong with you. I was so worried that I stood there for a half hour, soaking wet—”
“You were inside when I proposed.”
“I came after you!”
“You . . . what?” The wires in my brain must have crossed because it felt like I was short-circuiting.
The knock turned to a pound. “I hate to interrupt you guys, but I need to talk to you now,” Graham shouted through the door.
“I came after you,” she repeated in a whisper, desperation clogging her voice as she grabbed hold of my uniform.
“Come in,” I managed to call out.
The door opened, and Graham walked in, his face tight.
“What’s up?” My stomach tensed, bracing for bad news.
“I’m sorry to tell you, but Mazar-i-Sharif is falling.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
IZZY
New York
October 2018
“You what?” Serena shouted, wrapping the towel tightly around her body and staring at me like I’d lost my mind.
I’d all but hauled her out of the shower in my hysteria, ignoring Mom and Dad as they stood in the living room, waiting for answers I didn’t have. “You heard me!”
“And you just let him go?” Serena’s eyes flew wide.
“It wasn’t like I had the power to stop him!” God, he’d been so . . . lost. My heart ached, demanding I chase him down and give him whatever he needed. “What was I supposed to do? Hold him down?”
“I was thinking you’d say yes, seeing that you’re obviously miserable without him, and it seems he had a pretty good reason for not showing up on your vacation.”
“Say yes? That wasn’t him. He wasn’t really asking me to marry him, Serena! He was reacting out of trauma after burying Julian today.”
“Wait. He buried his friend today? You left that out.” Her brow knit. “Which one is Julian?”
The tall blond guy with the smirk came to mind. “I think his last name was Rowell. He was one of the guys he went into Special Forces with. One of his best friends.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “He was so hurt. I hurt him. But how could I accept his proposal when he clearly wasn’t in a clear state of mind? I kept trying to poke holes in his argument to get him to see that he was acting irrationally. The Nate I know would never have proposed like that, and when I said that . . .” My throat started to close, thinking of his face. “He needs a good night’s sleep, or help—not an engagement.”
If he’d asked me, really honestly asked me, I would have thrown myself into his arms and never let go.
“And you think he’s going to race from here to a therapist’s couch?” She gripped my shoulders. “Do you love him?”
“More than my own life.” It didn’t matter what I did; I couldn’t turn the emotion off.
“Then go find him and haul him back here so he can get whatever help he needs. Go, Izzy.”
I nodded and took off, skidding into the hallway in my slippered feet and then through the living room.
“I know you are not running after that man!” Mom shouted.
“I know you’re not acting like you actually know anything about him!” I snapped back. They’d be pissed. Oh well. Life wasn’t worth it without Nate, and if they couldn’t accept that, then they’d never really loved me anyway.
I didn’t bother closing my door as I ran out of my apartment and raced down the steps of my building. “Nate!” I shouted as I threw open the heavy glass door and ran out onto the sidewalk.
There were dozens of people out here.
None of them were Nate.
I shoved my hand into the center pocket of my hoodie and grabbed my phone, then hit Nate’s info on the contact page. “Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I said as it rang.
He sent me to voice mail. Or his phone was off. But my bets were on the first option.
I climbed the stairs to the entrance of my building for a better vantage point and searched the streets as I tried his phone again. He didn’t pick up.
My chest crumpled like a discarded ball of paper. I’d sent him away when he’d needed me to pull him closer. I’d failed him at the first real test.
Serena joined me, holding an umbrella over my head as we stood there for a half hour, looking at every single person who walked by, my heart refusing to accept what my mind already had.
He was gone.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
IZZY
Kabul, Afghanistan
August 2021
I sat on the couch, watching the coverage from Mazar-i-Sharif in a language I couldn’t understand as Nate’s team buzzed around us.
“You hungry, Izzy?” Sergeant Rose asked. They’d dropped the Ms. Astor title over an hour ago.
I shook my head without looking away from the television. Serena was in there somewhere.
“And these are all processed and need to go back down to the clerk,” Nate told Sergeant Black, handing him a stack of files he’d personally called on in the last hour.
“I don’t even know what they’re saying,” I whispered, holding a throw pillow to my chest.
“Oh.” Sergeant Rose leaned in. “They’re speaking Dari. I’m stronger in Pashto.” He looked over his shoulder. “Green!”
“Nate speaks Pashto,” I whispered, wincing when I realized I hadn’t used Green.
“Yeah, and Dari, and Farsi, and French, and whatever else he’s working on. Guy never slows down.” He glanced my way. “And don’t stress. We all know his real name.”
Nate sat on my left, and I held myself rigid so I wouldn’t lean into him. We hadn’t exactly come to a conclusion in our argument. We’d just . . . stopped.
“What are they saying?” I asked.
“The Taliban took control of the city less than an hour after breaching the front lines at the city limits,” Nate recited. “When that happened, the government forces and the militias fled without a fight.”
Sergeant Rose cursed.
“That leaves only Kabul and Jalalabad under Afghan government control.” Nate looked my way. “You shouldn’t be watching this.”
“Why not? She’s experiencing it. She told me once that ignoring a situation doesn’t make it better for the people living it.” I squeezed the pillow tighter. “She’s living it.”
The door opened, and Sergeant Black walked back in, heading toward the dining area where Sergeant Gray was set up doing whatever the comms guy did.
“I failed,” I whispered.
Sergeant Rose glanced over my head at Nate, then stood and joined the others.
“You didn’t,” Nate assured me. “Serena made her choice. We’re all allowed to make our own choices. You got that girls’ team out.”
I scoffed. “You got that girls’ team out. I did the paperwork.” Defeat settled into my stomach like an anchor. “All I’ve done since I got here was fail to convince Serena to leave and waste your team’s time when you’re clearly needed elsewhere.” I’d also lost a fiancé, but I was counting that in the plus column. I didn’t even care that I’d have to explain it to my parents. There was a reason I hadn’t spoken to them in weeks.
“Newcastle would have been in Kandahar too,” Nate said. “He would have missed Covington’s Hail Mary return flight home too. I would still be in this room.” A smile curved his perfect mouth. “I just wouldn’t have let him sleep with his head in my lap. I have boundaries, you know.”
“Just not with me?”
“Never with you,” he said softly. “I know it doesn’t count for much right now, but I’m sorry for losing my temper earlier.”
I sent a dose of side-eye his way. “You didn’t.”
“I did. You just didn’t know it.”
“Green,” Sergeant Gray called out. “I’ve got something.”
Nate stood, and I went back to staring at the television.
“Izzy,” Nate said a minute later.
I looked over my shoulder and saw him holding up a clunky-looking phone.
“It’s Serena.”
I scrambled off the couch and nearly tripped on the end table to get there. “Serena?” I said into the phone after taking it from Nate.
“I’m on my way, Izzy,” she said. “I don’t know who your man knows, but I’m in a car with this snazzy phone and Taj.”
“You’re okay?” I covered my face and ducked my head as my eyes watered.
“I’m okay. But it’s four hundred miles and a hell of a lot of checkpoints to Kabul. My credentials should get us there, but you can’t wait for me.”
My stomach twisted. “I can’t leave without you.”
“You can and you will. I’ll be on the first plane I can get on, but you have to get out of here. Promise me.”
“I don’t even know if I can get out before you get here, so it might be a moot argument,” I tried, lifting my head to see Nate shaking his head.
“I want to conserve the battery on this thing, so I need to go. But Iz, promise me you’ll go.”
“I promise,” I whispered. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I handed the phone back to Nate, who lifted it to his ear. “I found a flight for her for tomorrow night.” He locked eyes with me. “I will personally throw her over my shoulder and strap her into the seat myself.”
My eyes narrowed at him.
He flashed a dimple.
Ugh.
“Serena, don’t get yourself killed. Izzy would never recover from the guilt of you not putting your ass on the helicopter when you had the chance.” He ended the call and handed the handset back to Gray.
“Thank you,” I said to Nate. “Whatever you did. Thank you.” It didn’t even come close to what he deserved to hear, but it was all I could get out.
He nodded once. “I meant what I said. I will strap you onto that flight myself tomorrow night.”
Which meant I only had twenty-four hours left with him.
I rolled over and stared at the clock just like I had every hour since I’d come to bed a little after midnight. Once the State Department had gone home for the day, there was no point continuing to call and follow up on visas, but in a few hours I could be useful helping with the interviews until Nate decided it was time to leave for the airport.
Four a.m. meant he was probably just waking up.
I flopped to my back and stared up at the ceiling, letting my thoughts run haywire.
Nate thought I’d turned his proposal down because I didn’t love him, and then he’d taped my engagement ring to a dog tag and carried it with him everywhere. What was I supposed to do with that?
Staying here, wasting the only hours I might have with him, wasn’t going to get me—or us—anywhere.
My heart pounded as I swung my feet over the side of the bed and then walked into the living room of my suite, turning on the lamp with the switch as moonlight poured in through the windows.
I turned near the kitchen area and folded my arms across my tank top as I stared at the ring. It was perfect. Simple. Exactly what I would have picked out if I’d been at the jewelry store with him. And he’d bought it after Fiji. After I’d resigned myself to living for the moments I had with him. He’d seen a future for us.
It took me three attempts before I actually managed to pick it up. It was slightly sticky from the tape’s residue, and all the more perfect for it. My heart hurt at the life it represented, the life we could have had.
I grabbed my key and walked out of my room before I could think twice and then stop myself.
Sergeant Rose blinked at me from where he stood next to Nate’s door. “Everything okay, Ms. Astor?”
Well. Shit. It wasn’t like I could storm across the hall and knock on Nate’s door now.
“You’re on babysitting duty.” I wrapped my arms across my chest, more than a little self-conscious that I didn’t exactly sleep in a bra.
“I’m on guard, yes.” He smothered a smile behind his beard.
“Right. So I’m just going to . . .” Go back into my room and pretend this never happened.
“You know what?” he said, whipping out a room key from his front pocket. “I’m in the mood to stir a little shit this morning. Why not.” He shrugged and tapped the key against Nate’s lock.
The light above the handle turned green, and I didn’t hesitate. “Thank you.” Flashing him a smile, I grabbed the door handle, turning it quickly so it didn’t lock again.
“Just don’t tell him it was me.”
I nodded and opened Nate’s door, stepping inside and closing it behind me before I lost the nerve. Light poured out of the bathroom, and I heard the shower running, but the rest of the room was dark.
“Nate?” I called out softly, not wanting to startle him, seeing how well that had gone last time I’d made that mistake, but he obviously couldn’t hear me over the sound of the water running.
My lips parted. He was in there. Naked. Heat rushed through me, and I used my key card to fan myself before putting it on his dresser when the shower finally stopped. But I held on to the ring like it was the key to breaking through to him.
I was still wholeheartedly in love with him, and this was worth the fight.
“Nate?” I said gently, standing between his bed and the desk.
“Izzy?” I heard the sound of fabric rustling, and he walked out of the bathroom in a towel.
A towel.
A singular, lonely towel wrapped around his lean waist. He hadn’t even dried off. Nope, there were still water droplets sliding down the same lines of his body that I had traced with my tongue. Like that one, right there . . . the one that slipped down his pec, gathering other drops, and then falling into the canyons of his abs before finding its way to the fuck-me lines that carved the deep V—
“Izzy.”
My gaze snapped upward to Nate’s face, and damn if my entire body didn’t flush. “Hi.”
His brows rose. “Hi? It’s—” He glanced at his clock. “Four in the morning and you just popped by to say hi? The girl who sleeps until ten if she can?”
“You’re in a towel.” Was that really the best I could come up with?
“I was in the shower. That’s a natural progression of events. Shower. Towel. Clothes. And how the hell did you even get—” He sighed. “Never mind, I already know who let you in.”
“Don’t be mad.” The ring bit into my palm, but I kept my fist closed.
“I’m not mad. Confused, but not mad.”
“I couldn’t sleep. Not when I know I only have a few hours left with you.” The last bit tumbled out.
His expression went blank. He was retreating behind those mile-high walls where I wouldn’t be able to reach him, and I couldn’t let that happen. Not tonight.
“I thought you were proposing out of shock,” I blurted with as much grace as I’d had the day we met. Good to see we’re growing over here.
“We don’t have to do this.”
“We do.” I closed the distance between us but didn’t reach for him. “I was still reeling from you no-showing Palau, and my parents were there, being all . . . parental for once, and then you showed up, clearly distraught over losing your friend, asking me to choose if you were going to stay in the military or not, and you weren’t . . . you. Your words ran together, your eyes were wild, and you just kept telling me that you needed me to choose what you were supposed to do, despite every argument I threw at you to show that you weren’t acting like yourself. And looking back, I didn’t have my head on straight, either, but Nate, I didn’t think it was real.”
“I got down on one knee,” he whispered.
“Trust me, I remember.” I took that last step and cupped his bearded cheek with my free hand. “All I could think was that this was everything I’d ever wanted, and yet, if I’d said yes, I would have been taking advantage of you at your worst moment. You would have woken up and regretted asking.”
“You chose your parents.”
“I didn’t.” I shook my head. “Sure, I used Dad’s connections to get into Lauren’s office, but it was only to help that legislation that never passed anyway. Serena told you the truth. I didn’t go to DC for my parents. I went for you.”
