“Troy,” she whispered. “As much as I like this, I just have to tell you one thing. I don’t want to have sex with you tonight. Is that going to be a problem?”

  With the persistent throbbing of his erection, pressed against her stomach through the fabric of her t-shirt and his basketball shorts, he felt the sting of disappointment. “It’s cool,” he allowed himself to say, before adding, “but why?”

  “Try to see it from my perspective. I just met you, and I like you. But I don’t want to move too fast with this. And you’ll be gone in a few weeks anyway. I’m not into one night stands or selling myself short just because I’m attracted to a guy.”

  “I’m only going to L.A. That’s like a second home to you, right? Hollywood and all.”

  “It doesn’t work like that. I shoot in various locations, and when I’m working, I’m working. When I’m not, I live here in Brooklyn. My work and private lives are separate. I told you that when we first met.”

  Troy could feel the conversation pushing both of them out of the moment. There would be plenty of time to talk about their future together and how they would be able to continue building something, despite the distance. Right now, however, he could only focus on the feel of her body’s warmth against him. He quickly kissed her again and sighed with relief when she placed her hand on his chest and caressed it.

  “Hold on,” Troy said, reaching over and dimming the lights in the room for atmospheric effect.

  They found their way onto the bed and lay side by side, kissing each other. She eased off his shirt and he took off hers, and within moments the only things separating their bodies were their underwear. Troy reached for her panties and begin to pull them down, when she stopped him.

  “I told you that I can’t do that.”

  “We don’t have to do that,” he responded.

  “Nothing good would come of us being completely naked in this bed. Trust me.”

  “I want you so badly right now. Are you telling me that you don’t want me right here, right now?”

  “It’s not about what my body wants at this moment. It’s about what my heart and mind will be able to live with in the morning,” Eris said.

  “I understand,” Troy said, although being so close to her like this was killing him. “Wait. I have an idea.”

  “What?”

  “Take off your panties.”

  “Troy, come on.”

  “Seriously. I won’t touch you. Trust me. I’ll do the same.”

  “Well, now I know I won’t be doing that then,” she responded.

  “Please. Just trust me.”

  “First, tell me what you you have planned.”

  Troy sat up in the bed, resting on his elbows and looked into Eris’s face. He could barely make it out from the thin veil of light that slid through the wooden blinds over the window and the dull glow coming from the nearby lamp.

  “We’ll lie down back-to-back, completely naked. But we won’t touch. You will know that I’m not wearing anything, and I will know that you’re not wearing anything either. We’ll be close enough to feel the body heat of the other, but not close enough to actually be touching.”

  “And?”

  “And then you will touch yourself, and I will touch myself, and then we can hear each other breathing and fantasize about being with the other person, and you can hear my voice, and I can hear your voice.”

  Eris started to chuckle softly. “How in the world did you come up with that idea?”

  “It was the only thing I could think of that would allow us to be together without being together, if you know what I mean.”

  “That’s just going to make me want you more,” she said.

  “Maybe, but at least you can have a release without the guilt of actually having sex.”

  He could see her shaking her head in disbelief. “That sounds so crazy.”

  “Hey it’s just a thought, and I can’t even say it’s the best thought. But at least it’s something,” he said.

  Eris was silent as she considered this. Her body body was so still she resembled a statue. Inside, Troy ached with anticipation.

  “Okay. Turn your back,” she finally said.

  He quickly and nervously complied.

  “I’m taking off my panties now.”

  Troy could feel her body shifting in the bed behind him and feel the covers move as she lifted her hand and placed her underwear on the dresser.

  “Your turn,” she said.

  Troy quickly slid out of his underwear and lay anxiously facing the wall, the faintest bit of her body heat inches from his skin. “How do I know you’re really naked,” he said.

  Eris grabbed his hand and placed it on her bare hip. Once he felt the warmth and smoothness of her skin, he took her hand and placed it on his hip.

  “Okay. No more touching from this point forward,” Eris said.

  “Sure,” Troy said, feeling the overwhelming nervousness of the moment.

  They began slowly and in silence, their hands moving in cautious, deliberate rhythms, the thin sheet of the bed rising and falling with each movement, their voices punctuating the space with occasional moans of self-gratification.

  Then Eris spoke.

  “Troy, tell me what you’re doing to me right now,” she said, her voice a raspy whisper. It was the voice of a person who had been on the phone for hours with a lover and was approaching the climax of conversational intimacy.

  Troy was suddenly pulled from his thoughts and was now being welcomed into Eris’s fantasy. While the idea of what she was doing excited him even more, he worried that he might say the wrong thing and kill her flow. He offered, “I’m planting kisses along your stomach and onto your hips. Can you feel my tongue, moist against your inner thighs?” He knew he was struggling. He would have rather spoken with his actions than his words, but she was leaving him little choice in the matter.

  “How do I taste?” she said between moans.

  “Incredible,” he responded. “You are all that I want.”

  And then they fell silent again, and their voices were replaced with Eris’s legs working furiously against the bed, struggling to gain traction on the damp sheets. Troy could only imagine what she looked like enveloped in the ecstasy of orgasm. He found himself so fascinated with his thoughts of her movements that he stopped touching himself and focused all of his attention on the violent shudder of her body and the crescendoing moan that rose in her throat, a primal melody, and filled the room like a tropical rain cloud bursting and releasing its storm down on the myriad of trees below.

  When she climaxed, she backed up into him, her naked body moist with perspiration sliding wickedly against his. The touch of her warm, wet skin was electric, and Troy could not resist the urge to touch himself again and lose himself in the moment, climaxing shortly afterwards.

  They lay side by side, the silence of the room attacked by the percussion of their breathing.

  “Damn, I’m gonna need another shower again,” he said jokingly.

  Eris chuckled, running her hand across her flat stomach, the definition of her abs appearing with the exhalation of each breath. “I know I definitely need one at this point.”

  “So will you join me now?” Troy asked. He figured it was worth another try, although he kept his expectations modest.

  “As long as you remember our arrangement,” she responded, sitting up in the bed and brushing her hair from her damp cheeks.

  Smiling, and quietly brimming with confidence, Troy walked down the hall and started up the shower again. This time Eris would be joining him.

  They took their time bathing each other, and Troy absorbed each of her body parts with his eyes and hands, memorizing every centimeter of her skin, the ease of her smile, the curve of her body, the way her hair hugged her face in the moisture of the bathroom, that dimpled smile, those phenomenal legs, even the delicateness of her hands and feet, all for posterity. But her eyes were what really took away his ability to think clearly. Her eyes were wide, beautiful, playful, and mysterious, all in one. They were so animated she could simply communicate all of her thoughts without once moving her lips. Those were the eyes that had made her a movie star, and those were the eyes that had peeked into his soul and taken a piece of who he was with them. Yes, it was that look she gave him that scared him the most; it was a look that made him want to love her even when he knew the improbability of her loving him back.

  After carefully drying each other, they returned to his bedroom and, still naked, lay down and snuggled in the bed, cloaked only in a blanket of darkness.

  “Are you still awake?” Eris asked twenty minutes later.

  “I couldn’t sleep if I tried.”

  “Me neither,” she said. Still facing the wall, she asked, “What was it like where you grew up?”

  Troy thought it a strange question to ask someone you were lying in bed naked with, but he didn’t mind. He would have answered any question that she asked, simply because he enjoyed the beauty of her soft, raspiness voice. It was a bedroom voice, one that he had the unique pleasure of experiencing directly.

  “I grew up in Gloucester, not too far from Williamsburg and Yorktown. It’s in the eastern part of the state, just off the water. I’d have to say that it was nice. A lot of history in the area. Also, there’s a lot of natural beauty with the beaches and trees and trails. My mother is a librarian, so I spent a lot of time there, reading books and stuff. My dad is an optometrist with an office in Newport News. Neither one of them is from the area, but they had moved there a year before I was born and had decided to stay, so that’s where I ended up growing up. What about you? What was it like in Louisiana?”

  “I enjoyed Monroe. Relatively speaking, we have a pretty good parish, and we don’t have some of the problems of larger cities like Shreveport and New Orleans. On the other hand, we don’t have the same kind of entertainment, either. Shreveport and New Orleans have the casinos, the tourists, the sporting events, and the money. Monroe is just a plucky place where people handle their business and try to do the best they can. I think it’s a great place to grow up, but for what I wanted to do with my life, Monroe couldn’t do it for me,” Eris said.

  “Maybe one day you could show me around there,” Troy said.

  Eris let the comment fall flat and waited a beat before speaking again. “I have a question for you. What is it that you see happening between us?”

  “I don’t know. I would definitely like to date you with an eye towards something serious and exclusive. I’m really into you, and I’m open to all of the possibilities.”

  Eris laid her head upon Troy’s chest. “I need to ask you something.”

  “Shoot.”

  “My age is not going to be a problem for you, is it? I mean, I know you said you were cool, but once the novelty of the newness of things wears off, will you still feel the same way?”

  “I guarantee that it won’t be an issue. You don’t get it. You’re my dream girl. I have fantasized about you for quite a while, and being here with you like this is beyond anything I could have ever imagined,” he said.

  Eris didn’t respond, only nuzzling her head against his chest.

  They lay in silence while the sound of the occasional car passing through the night streets or the soft breeze tip-toeing off the East River found its way against the window sill. Pretty soon Troy could hear the deep breaths of Eris’s sleep, and he closed his eyes, capping off one of the most amazing nights of his life.

  9

  Dreams

  Troy awoke the following morning from the sound of Eris moving around the bedroom.

  “Good morning,” he said, barely opening his eyes. “You wanna get some breakfast? There’s a great diner about a block away. Pancakes like you wouldn’t believe!”

  “No, that’s all right,” Eris responded, sitting in a chair across the room, facing the bed. She was putting on her stiletto heels and had already dressed in her clothes from the previous night.

  “Are you leaving?”

  “I need to get home.”

  “Are you coming back? I was kinda hoping maybe we could spend the day together or something like that.”

  Eris finished putting on her shoes and looked up. Her eyes met Troy’s and she held that gaze for a moment before shaking her head. “I’m not coming back.”

  “Plans for the day already? Well, what about tomorrow?”

  “Troy, I’m not coming back to see you at all while you’re here.”

  Troy jumped up from the bed and walked over to her, taking her hands in his. “Why? Did I do something wrong? I thought we had a good time last night.”

  “It was nice, but I can’t do this.”

  “Do what?”

  “This,” she said, waiving a hand around the room. “The truth is that I shouldn’t have stayed over last night. And I probably shouldn’t have done any of the things I did with you before. That was careless of me. I had my guard down.”

  Troy took a seat on the ottoman near the chair. “I’m so confused right now. Where is all of this coming from? Do you have someone special in your life already?”

  “It’s not even about that. I’d rather we just cut our losses here.”

  Troy reached for his clothes and started dressing while Eris grabbed her tote bag. He followed her out of the bedroom and into the den.

  “Just tell me what I did wrong, so I can fix it,” he said, following her across the room.

  She stopped and turned to face him. “You said something last night that made me realize that this wouldn’t work no matter what we did.”

  Troy reached for her hand and guided her to the sofa. “Let’s sit down and talk. Even if you decide to leave, we can at least know that we understand what the other is thinking. Can we at least do that?”

  She nodded and took a seat next to him.

  “Okay. What did I say that rubbed you the wrong way?”

  Eris looked away, either embarrassed or distraught by what she was going to say. Troy could not tell how to interpret any of her actions at this point. “You called me your dream girl.”

  Troy was incredulous. How in the world was that a bad thing? Most women would have been flattered to high heaven and back if a man said those words to them. In that moment, he realized that he just didn’t understand Eris, who was proving to be atypical of everything he had ever experienced with a woman during his lifetime. He took a deep breath and said as calmly as he could muster, “Eris, could you please tell me how what I said was a bad thing?”

  “It’s not just that time, but you’ve said things throughout the entire time we’ve been hanging out that make me feel like you’re not really interested in me, but in who you think I am. You have me on this pedestal in your mind, like I’m some kind of queen. If I weren’t famous, I doubt you’d even be interested. I definitely wouldn’t be your dream girl.”

  Was she serious? Troy felt blindsided by what he figured was a mountain of insecurity on her part. “I didn’t mean that you were my dream girl because I knew who you were before we met. I’m so past the fact that you’re famous.”

  “Are you really?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then why don’t I believe you?”

  Troy sighed. “I can’t tell you what to believe or not believe. All I can tell you is that I have been 100 percent genuine with you from the first moment we met. And wasn’t it you who told me to not assume I knew what you were thinking earlier? At least give me some credit that you don’t really know what I’m thinking either. You don’t know if I’d be interested in you or not. I get that. But if I tell you that I’m interested in you and that my reasons for being interested in you are because of the way you make me feel, I don’t think you should ignore that just because you’re worried about experiencing something new.”

  Eris grabbed her bag and stood. “I have to be able to trust your intentions, and right now, whether they are true or not, I can’t tell. And since I can’t tell, I have no choice but to protect myself.”

  “Protect yourself from me? Eris, I would never, I mean never, do anything to hurt you. But I’m starting to think that it doesn’t matter what I tell you anymore. Just look at my actions. I have not taken advantage of your trust. I have not even told anyone about our spending time together. But you already know all of this. So what’s really the deal?”

  “It’s just hard for me,” she finally admitted through an exasperated sigh. It was as if she blamed herself just as much as she did her partner. “The last time I dated someone who wasn’t in the industry, he tried to take pictures of me and sell them to a tabloid. The entire situation was embarrassing and hurtful. I felt like such a fool for thinking he and I had something special.”

  Troy placed a hand on Eris’s shoulder. “I’m not him. That’s all I can say. I would never do that to you. That’s not who I am.”

  “I’m not trying to take this all out on you, but I need some space right now. I’ve already called for a car, and it should be here in a minute.”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “At least let me sit with you while you wait.”

  “Okay,” she said softly.

  They both sat back on the sofa, and Eris turned her attention to the rest of the room, looking at the art and photography on the walls, avoiding eye contact with Troy.

  He sat back on the sofa with his head lifted to the ceiling, trying to not let the situation frustrate him while she sat so closely.

  “The first time I heard ‘Big Poppa’ was at a step show the year before I pledged. I was like ‘Who is this dude?’ His voice was heavy and lispy. I remember a journalist saying that it sounded like a ‘wet explosion.’ But in spite of that, his flow was original and smart, you know? It was refreshing how smoothly he told stories.”

  Eris turned her attention back towards him, so he continued, “Back when Tupac died, I didn’t believe it for two seconds. He had been shot before and survived. I figured he couldn’t be killed—at least not with bullets. He died on Friday the 13th, too. It was one of those evenings that felt strange. I couldn’t stop thinking about him for weeks. Then in March, Biggie. It all felt so strange. How did two of the best emcees in the game wind up dead? Hip-hop used to be fun. I remember doing the prep to L.L. Cool J’s ‘Around the Way Girl’ and now I was seeing my favorite emcees get buried.

 

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