The Strange Museum, page 3
Out of courtesy, guests usually responded, “Yes.”
“Well, our three-year-old has the uncanny skill of Jean-Michel Basquiat.”
62
Friday Night Partying
We floated into the third club of the night, still riding the liquid courage from the cheap drinks three doors down.
Women appeared from nowhere, and we danced out the last of the alcohol.
In the end, I left with a fake number, and my boy Jeff left with mono.
63
Fireworks
My science class didn’t know what to make of the strange explosion on TV. Then someone told us the space shuttle had exploded.
It would be decades later when I learned the astronauts actually died when their capsule slammed into the ocean. Still, I imagine them in midair, like fireworks.
64
A Literary Conference
The novelist, who had been invited to the conference as a special guest, sat back, listening to the scholars dissect, analyze, and praise his work. When they finally addressed him to ask his intentions surrounding a bit of literary minutiae, he politely responded, “You would know far better than I.”
65
What Lies Ahead
Faith had been in line for what felt like years, waiting to meet the Ultimate. Eventually whispers from farther up in the line arrived with news that there was no Ultimate.
Discouraged, many people left the line to embrace the Nothingness. Faith, however, stayed put, too afraid of being wrong.
66
66
Baron had been counting the days until retirement, fantasizing about the adventures he’d go on when he didn’t have to operate the old machine anymore.
But when the day finally arrived, he was exhausted and found he’d rather sit on his La-Z-Boy recliner and watch everything from his fifty-inch flatscreen.
67
Real Magic
Lisa became a magician’s assistant because she thought she would learn how to disappear. She soon learned it was all trap doors, hidden compartments, and smoke and mirrors, though.
She would have to learn to create her own form of “Black Girl Magic” and become comfortable taking refuge within herself.
68
The Fairy King
Arthur intended every aspect of his book to be literal, but the critics who fell in love with it spoke of it as a parable, an allegory for the times. He was lauded for his ingenuity, but never in the book’s multiple printings did anyone consider that fairies were real.
69
Infinity
Attempting to be funny, Sherman asked our eccentric math professor what “infinity” was. The professor smiled and took a piece of chalk and drew a line around the room fifty times, before dragging it past the classroom door, down the long corridor, to his car.
We never saw him again.
70
Literal Interpretations
One morning Vanessa went to brush her teeth, and one by one they tumbled into the sink. Her nightmares had come true, she thought, wiping away the blood. She moved her lips over her gums, looking at her ninety-year-old face in the mirror. For the first time, she felt old.
71
Parchman
No matter how “dangerous” a guy he was or how much he benched on the yard or who he had to hem up during the day or how long he’d been without a letter from his old lady, Deebo laughed like a child whenever he watched Betty White on TV.
72
Defective
Dear Customer Service:
I’m returning the gremlin I ordered because it’s defective. I’ve taken it on cars, planes, and even boats, and there hasn’t been a single incident of mischief.
If you could send me a new one or refund my money, I would greatly appreciate it.
Sincerely,
R. Dahl
73
Cover Your Eyes
There were rumors the film was cursed, that there’d been a death on the set, that one of the actors had committed suicide, that an editor had gone crazy compiling the final mix.
I refused to watch it—which is why I’m the only one left to tell this story.
74
Tombstone Rubbing
At night they tip-toed into the cemetery with their tools, camping out at celebrity headstones, carefully copying the engraved text from weathered surfaces, hands restless with exploration.
Once they finished, they tucked away their work and eased out into the night, their brush with greatness still tingling on their fingertips.
75
November 4, 2008
We rushed out into the streets, where we were swept along in the growing crowd, celebration erupting from our lips to join the chorus, tears streaming down our faces.
We danced outside the Apollo.
I wanted to call my parents, but I was wrapped up in the glow of history.
76
Trayvon
“Why do so many black superheroes wear hoods?” Deshaun asked his mother.
The kid was precocious, she knew, but wasn’t six too young for that kind of truth? Still, she knew the world would one day force her hand.
Maybe she would start with the Skittles and the Arizona tea.
77
Shuffle Ball Change
It was the scuffed up Capezios that did it for Linda. They’d been built up with taps—like Savion Glover’s. If the shoes’d been even close to new, she wouldn’t have given her another look.
It was something about dancers that did it for her, and this was no exception.
78
A Bowl of Yep-Yep
Teddy’s cupboard only contained a handful of seasonings—seasoned salt, lemon pepper, Worcestershire sauce, and hot sauce—but with those ingredients his cooking became legendary in Barkley Hall at Ellison-Wright College, where a framed picture of him still hangs fondly in the corridor of the third floor, next to Tupac.
79
I Really Want to Write on Her Purple Wall
She’d waited quite a bit of time before she showed it to me, but when she finally did, I found myself completely mesmerized, unable to think about anything else. Then she eagerly invited me in—and I knew there was no way I could possibly deny myself this one thing.
80
Amazing Stories
I remember, as a child, watching Amazing Stories and seeing Christopher Lloyd in a bathrobe, running down a dark street carrying his own severed head. It was all I could talk about at school the next day. I knew then that I wanted to write those kinds of stories, too.
81
Fuga Hacia Adelante
(After César Aira)
The Argentinian writer sat down and wrote a page every day, the words gradually transforming into something completely different from their beginnings, until finally an odd, yet universal, novel emerged from its disparate pieces, just poems and landscapes and zombies and ice cream and ghosts and clones of Carlos Fuentes.
82
Shifting Perspectives
“Elizabeth would learn many years later that she’d given birth to a baby only a mother could love.”
Now close your eyes. Seriously. Close your eyes.
Did you assume the mother in this story was white?
Tell the truth. I won’t judge you.
Oh, you didn’t?
Good. Now you’re learning.
83
Groceries
They accidentally run into each other at the neighborhood grocery store, their toddlers in tow. Their kids begin to play with each other instinctively.
They know their kids could have been siblings, but instead their kids are strangers.
They take this notion home with them, buried deep beneath their groceries.
84
The Doppelgänger
Three months after his daughter had died, Braxton discovered a spitting image of Laura working at a Forever 21. For months he walked past the store, until one day it went out of business and he never saw the girl again.
He took this loss even harder than the first.
85
Nostalgia
In the hours between the bachelorette party and the wedding ceremony, Jill did her best to hold on to all the memories of her life as a single woman, those amazing times in San Juan, Kingston, Cozumel, and New Orleans.
Approaching the church, she instructed the chauffeur to keep driving.
86
The Haircut
Justin had never cut anyone else’s hair, so when he got stuck trying to blend a fade, he politely excused himself to go watch instructional videos on YouTube, while his customer waited patiently in the barber chair, attempting to convince himself that he had not just made a huge mistake.
87
The Bejesus Doctor
Cori figured the bejesus was located in the center of the chest, since her mother always grabbed there and said, “You scared the bejesus out of me!” whenever Cori’d jump out of the hamper to surprise her.
When Cori grew up to become a cardiologist, she would save many bejesuses.
88
White Station, Mississippi
Hardly anyone in the church knew that Deacon Johnny Lee Williams had been a bluesman back in his day, grinding his hips while blowing harp, downing rotgut by the gallon. But occasionally Sister Lulabelle Stewart, who had been around the block a few times herself, would wink at him knowingly.
89
A Museum of Asses
The museum was full of portraits of asses. Asses of world leaders, entertainers, inventors, scholars, doctors, clergy, and athletes filled the walls. Some hairy, some bald, some freckled, some dimpled. The photographer was making a statement about something, we all knew, but none of us could quite figure out what.
90
Setting the Record Straight
Not a lot of people really know or understand just how long Rapunzel’s dreadlocks really were. And they were strong, too! Prince Charming weighed a good 300 pounds, I tell you. I’m just saying that if we’re going to tell her story, we should put some respect on her name.
91
Most Likely to Succeed
There was hardly any debate among the recent graduates that Gregory had acted in porn movies. Where they remained divided, however, was whether or not the word “star” should be attached to him, since the most voracious connoisseurs of porn among them had never spotted him in anything of note.
92
A Small Alteration?
Vernon was surprised to see the portrait his ex-girlfriend had painted of him featured in her new Hi-Fructose magazine spread. The nude painting was just as he remembered it, except his penis was smaller.
At first assuming revenge, he gradually realized that maybe she hadn’t changed the painting after all.
93
A Pleasant Routine
Years after her own children had grown up and moved out, Betsy continued to rise at six, then make a hearty breakfast. And at seven-thirty, she watched the kids across the street board the number 45, headed across town to the memory of a school her children had once attended.
94
Come Home
“No one even begs anymore,” she sang.
It was just a catchy lyric in a song she enjoyed listening to. Yet, she had allowed her man to come back, sans begging, because Anderson .Paak knew that most men didn’t have to. Not when they could play off of her loneliness.
95
Purple
After Grandad’s funeral, the family went through his things looking for keepsakes and things to donate. My little sister was the one who discovered the Prince t-shirts. No one even knew he was a fan.
Now when I hear “Purple Rain,” I try to imagine my grandfather smiling, singing along.
96
A Village On Fire
The dragon had burned the village to the ground. All that remained was the old stone well. Still, the villagers gathered at the well and rebuilt the village, brick by brick.
No longer afraid, the villagers went off to slay the dragon.
They would feast off its fear for weeks.
97
Memories of Orvieto
They walked hand-in-hand beneath a purple parasol, down a cobblestone path that ran between two stone buildings, their blue shutters blossoming like spring gentians.
Decades later, that memory would come to mind when she laid him to rest on a small hill in Durham, his grave blanketed by soft snow.
98
The Things Librarians Notice
For years Veronica watched the man amble into the library and pull out a copy of The Catcher in the Rye. Although she’d never read it, she was aware of the lore surrounding it.
Then one day the man stopped coming.
His absence bothered her more than she’d ever admit.
99
What Is “We Love You, Alex”
When she first confronted things in the story collection that she didn’t already know, she skipped over them. Then one day she decided to google those things and discovered she enjoyed the collection that much more.
Once she finished the book, she decided to apply for a spot on Jeopardy.
100
The Strange Museum
The museum was a cabinet of curiosities bearing tchotchkes from the literary greats: a shotgun casing from Hemingway, an oven dial from Plath, a stone from Woolf.
Hundreds of thousands of writers lined up for miles to see these objects, secretly wondering if they would one day contribute one themselves.
THANK YOU FOR VISITING THE STRANGE MUSEUM
Please Exit Through the Gift Shop
Acknowledgments
A version of the following stories have been previously published:
“Ode to an Olivetti” (50-Word Stories), “The Motive” (50-Word Stories), “Dancing in the Light” (50-Word Stories), “The Story They Would One Day Tell Their Children” (50-Word Stories), “An Epilogue” (50-Word Stories), “How to Train a Beast” (50-Word Stories), “He’s Coming” (50-Word Stories), “Until the End of Time” (50-Word Stories), “Purple” (50-Word Stories), “Hitchhikers” (Speculative 66), “Behind His Back” (50-Word Stories), “More Robot, Please” (Blink-Ink), “Hickory” (50-Word Stories), “Hunting Nightmares” (50-Word Stories), “The Smile” (50-Word Stories), “The Monster Inside” (Paragraph Planet), and “The Monster” (50-Word Stories).
I would like to thank the editors of the aforementioned journals, especially Tim Sevenhuysen of 50-Word Stories, who has given me a platform for exploring this literary form.
I have drawn a great deal of inspiration from these writers, all of whom saw fit to explore writing at very short lengths: Lydia Davis, Diane Williams, Bob Thurber, Grant Faulkner, John Edgar Wideman, Desiree Cooper, Ernest Hemingway, and all of the writers who have seen the benefit in writing stories that can be read in under a minute.
