If We Kiss, page 18
Q: So your first kiss was pretty much the opposite of Charlie’s. She keeps hers a secret for most of the book—do you think secrets like that are bad or good?
A: Both.
Q: How did you and your husband first meet? Was he a “Kevin” (i.e. someone you shouldn’t date) or a “George” (someone who had always been right in front of your nose), or something else entirely?
A: We met in elementary school. We were friends for many years before we even thought about each other romantically, and then it was about ten more years before we started dating. Thank goodness. He is sort of a combination of George and Kevin—sweet and smart but also irresistible and charismatic.
Q: Did you ever regret kissing someone?
A: Oh, yes.
Q: Have you ever had to betray your best friend, possibly for a guy? Do you consider that kind of betrayal wrong, or just part of growing up, or what?
A: It is wrong to betray a friend, and it is even worse to betray yourself or your ideas of who you would like to be. You never have to do that. Part of growing up is recognizing that feeling attracted to somebody, or discovering that somebody is attracted to you, does not mean you MUST act on it. It can be a lovely feeling that you (powerfully) walk away from.
Q: Have you ever had a really good friend, like Tess, that you wanted to be more like? What were you envious of, and how did you deal with it?
A: Often. I try to surround myself with people I admire; I consider myself incredibly lucky to be surrounded by people I want to be more like. I try to listen to them, watch them, see what it is that they do well—and then either learn from them or just appreciate their gifts (marathoning, painting, and singing in operas—things I will never do, for instance). When I catch myself feeling envious, I try to remember to count my blessings, and then I feel like oh, great, I’m also petty and envious and shallow . . . so I have a little hate-myself party for a few minutes until I am bored and over it.
Q: What’s your favorite thing about kissing?
A: I could never choose just one thing.
Rachel on How If We Kiss Began
CHARLIE’S STORY STARTED with her voice. She sounded, in my mind, blunt and honest, devoid of apology or excuses. Originally her name was Mallory. She had a twin sister named Meredith and a best friend named Anne, a boyfriend named George and a huge disastrous crush on, you guessed it, Kevin. I wrote a short story called “One Hot Second” that appeared in the collection Thirteen. And that, I thought, was that. But Mallory stayed alive in my mind, and grew, and changed, and, in her calm but unrelenting way, demanded to be written about more. Names were changed, events reorganized, characters (Anne and Meredith, for example) merged and morphed and reimagined . . . until the story became If We Kiss. But here, so you can see how it changed and how it didn’t, is the beginning of “One Hot Second.”
one hot second
ABOUT A MONTH OR SO ago I dumped this kid named George. He cried in the cafeteria. It was horrible. I almost said I’d go back out with him right then and there, just to get him to stop. I can’t handle scenes. But I didn’t like George anymore. I liked a kid named Kevin. A week after I dumped George, Kevin asked me out and of course I said yes. There is one problem with Kevin. He’s a little fast. He French-kissed his last girlfriend twelve times in one dance, but I tried not to let it bother me. I really wanted to kiss him and I knew he wanted to kiss me, but I didn’t know he was horny enough to want to do it in the hall.
Well, a week after I started going out with Kevin, I found myself standing in the hall, between fifth and sixth block, with my arms around him and my tongue in his mouth. It was really disgusting but I liked it.
It was my first kiss.
I’d had this idea about waiting and George respected that. He may have thought it was weird but he never acted that way. He just said he respected that I was an independent thinker and pure person and he would wait until I was ready. George is a real gentleman. Mothers like George. Good old George.
Anyway I got sick of waiting. I couldn’t remember what exactly it was I was waiting for. I wanted to kiss somebody and fall in love. My twin sister Meredith has fallen in love with all three boys she’s kissed, and she said there was no way I could possibly understand how awesome and overpowering that kind of love is without experiencing it for myself. She said it was beyond describing. I realized that in my entire life every single experience had been describable. In fact, I’d described most of them to Meredith.
I had some romantic ideas about how my first kiss would happen. Maybe a willow tree, maybe some music. Kissing George would’ve been like kissing my cousin. Totally describable. Plus, I didn’t want to tell him. He’d think I was horny and not so interesting and different and pure as he’d imagined. I didn’t want to disappoint George.
Kevin scrunches his eyes when he looks at you. He leans close. The day before I dumped George, Kevin had stopped in front of me in the hall and asked me if I was ready for the bio quiz. While he was asking, he touched my hair. It was a strand on the front left side. He twirled it around his index finger and then let go. When he did that I couldn’t remember if I was even taking bio this year. I think I may actually have said, “duh.” Kevin smiled and strolled into class. I sat down on the floor and realized I had to dump George.
The only reason it took me until the next day to do the dumping was because for the rest of that afternoon I was too stupid to talk, and way weak in the legs.
Two weeks later I was pressed up against a locker kissing Kevin. The lock was digging into my backbone, but I didn’t want to wreck my first kiss by readjusting. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to concentrate.
For more of “One Hot Second,” look for it in the short story anthology called Thirteen, edited by James Howe.
Take a Kissing Quiz
Ever wonder, what would happen if we kiss?
Take this quiz to find out what your kissing style is,
and then . . . get out there and try it!
1. Charlie describes French kissing as “disgusting and wonderful.” How would you describe it?
(a) Intimate and profound.
(b) Sexy and strange.
(c) Uncomfortable and a waste of time.
(d) Cool and sophisticated.
(e) Yummy and fun.
2. Practicing smooching on your pillow is
(a) Ridiculous.
(b) Great—my pillow really loves me, at least.
(c) Messy. Is that a clean pillowcase? Does drool stain synthetic fabrics?
(d) Sadly, the closest you’ll ever get to the real thing.
(e) Useful!
3. After your first kiss with someone, your instinct is to
(a) Hold hands, of course.
(b) Run away, blushing, and hope no one saw!
(c) Assuming you liked it, move on to your second kiss!
(d) Call your best friend ASAP, and give her all the details.
(e) Savor the moment privately. Was it “indescribable,” as Tess would say?
4. Your biggest kissing fear is
(a) That you suck at it.
(b) Germs, germs, germs.
(c) That you’re a slut now.
(d) That he doesn’t really love you.
(e) That it’ll be boring, and the guy will get all clingy.
5. Kevin does this humming/sighing thing while kissing. If a boy ever did that while kissing you,
(a) You’d be slightly grossed out. Why all the sound effects?
(b) You’d hope it means he thinks you’re the one.
(c) You’d probably groan a little too, to keep up.
(d) You’d be totally into it.
(e) You’d worry he regretted kissing you. Were you really that bad?
6. You prefer being kissed
(a) In a dark closet.
(b) When it’s a total surprise.
(c) When you know it’s coming: there’s flattering lighting, you’ve brushed your teeth a few times, and you’re wearing the right outfit.
(d) At a party where there are usually other people doing it.
(e) In the caf, the school parking lot, or anywhere else public—if you’ve got it, flaunt it!
7. If you were in the same situation as Charlie and liked your best friend’s boyfriend, would you kiss him over winter break, too?
(a) Yes, romance always comes before friendship.
(b) Yes, you have to be true to your own feelings first.
(c) No way, you’d never kiss your friend’s boyfriend. That’s no way to get a boyfriend, it’s just the way to lose a friend.
(d) No, you’d be too nervous about getting caught or people thinking you’re a slut.
(e) Maybe. But if you did, you’d feel really bad about it, too.
8. You’d rather kiss
(a) An off-limits boy, like Kevin.
(b) A boy you’ve known and trusted forever, like George.
(c) An almost-complete stranger, like a guy on the newspaper staff, or one of those kids who hangs out by the bridge.
(d) Whatever celebrity you’re obsessed with at the time.
(e) No one, really—you just don’t see what’s so great about the whole kissing thing.
9. My very first kiss was . . .
(a) Surprising, slobbery, and icky.
(b) You were so excited to be kissing you barely noticed what happened.
(c) Pretty romantic.
(d) Awkward, but not so bad.
(e) Hasn’t happened yet—still waiting!!!
10. It seems like people usually kiss because
(a) They’re attracted to each other.
(b) They just love to kiss.
(c) To show off that they have someone to kiss.
(d) Their friends are doing it so they think they should, too.
(e) They want to feel closer to one another.
11. What produces the F.K.G. (Freshly Kissed Glow)?
(a) Happiness.
(b) Hormones.
(c) True love.
(d) Embarrassment.
(e) Fever, possibly mono.
12. The best kisser is probably someone
(a) H-o-t-t!
(b) Trustworthy.
(c) Intense.
(d) Experienced.
(e) Sensitive.
SCORING:
1. (a)3 (b)4 (c)1 (d)2 (e)5 2. (a)2 (b)5 (c)1 (d)3 (e)4 3. (a)2 (b)1 (c)5 (d)4 (e)3 4. (a)4 (b)2 (c)1 (d)3 (e)5 5. (a)2 (b)3 (c)4 (d)5 (e)1 6. (a)1 (b)4 (c)3 (d)2 (e)5 7. (a)5 (b)4 (c)2 (d)1 (e)3 8. (a)4 (b)3 (c)5 (d)2 (e)1 9. (a)2 (b)5 (c)3 (d)4 (e)1 10. (a)5 (b)1 (c)2 (d)4 (e)3 11. (a)5 (b)4 (c)3 (d)2 (e)1 12. (a)5 (b)3 (c)4 (d)2 (e)1
(12–24) Cryptic Kisser
Let’s be blunt: Kissing is, well, a little WEIRD! I mean, someone’s getting in your personal space and basically wagging their tongue at you, only it’s supposed to be all meaningful. Don’t worry, you WILL find someone who you really want to kiss.
(25–36) Charming Kisser
To you, kissing has the potential to make dreams come true. But don’t be scared to take a risk on someone you never thought of that way before (like George!). The best thing about kissing is it allows you to surprise yourself.
(37–48) Curious Kisser
Kissing can be romantic, kissing can be weird, kissing can be just plain fun. After a few kisses and a few intense conversations with friends about it, you’ve pretty much figured that out for yourself. But you want more. Think about it, what are the things YOU love about kissing?
(49–60) Cuckoo for Kissing
Okay, so you’re one of the girls in the hallway smooching their boyfriends against the lockers, aren’t you? Or at least, you have been that girl, once or twice. When it comes to kissing, you’ve got the market cornered. But you may be missing out on something wilder than the hallway makeout—suspense.
Rachel took the quiz, too,
so go to www.rachelvail.com for her results!
Take a sneak peek at the sequel
kiss me again
We stared into each other’s eyes for a few more long seconds. He sucked in on his lips, like he wanted to taste them. I tried not to look at his lips and simultaneously tried to hold back the growing dread inside me that maybe kissing his forehead was a weird thing to do. Subtly but deeply weird. Like wearing a polo shirt buttoned all the way up.
A hint of a smile tipped up a corner of his mouth.
It occurred to me that maybe I had accidentally said the thing about the polo shirt out loud, or that maybe he could read my mind. Or, maybe, that he just wanted to smile because he was looking at me.
That thought made my fingers all go numb. They hung like sausages from my hands. I sent up a silent prayer that he would not notice them and back away, horrified, shrieking, “Ack! Sausage fingers!”
I decided to say a quick, firm good night so he would get the hint and leave my room before I humiliated myself further or started cracking myself up at the weirdness of this whole mess, but my mouth clearly did not get the memo because instead it just mirrored the semi-smile on Kevin’s mouth.
“So . . .” he breathed.
“Mmm,” I answered, meaning mmm-hmm, as in yes, like, wow this is awkward. But the hmm of the mmm-hmm got cut off, which made it more like a hum, more like mmm, yes this is good.
He reached toward my head and touched a piece of hair that had sprung out of a twist. He twirled it around his finger. Which was a problem because I am apparently allergic to Kevin Lazarus twirling a piece of my hair. It makes breathing very difficult for me. Also, retaining my coordination enough to remain standing. Also, thinking.
“I kissed George today,” I blurted, surprising us both.
“Okay,” Kevin said. He still kept ahold of that piece of my hair. I made sure my head stayed still so it wouldn’t get yanked out of his fingers.
“At the wedding,” I for some reason felt the need to add.
“I figured.”
“But we’re not going out or anything,” I said. “Officially. Not that . . .”
“Charlie,” he whispered, and just at that exact moment my knees dissolved. He caught my chin with his upturned right palm and moved it toward his face.
I felt the heat even more than the texture of his lips on mine.
My eyes closed.
I didn’t think no, no, no, I cannot be kissing this boy.
I didn’t think wow I really like kissing Kevin Lazarus.
I didn’t, for once, think anything.
I just felt the light heat of my lips and Kevin’s lips, barely but definitely, meltingly, touching.
My eyes, opening slowly, met his.
“Good night,” he whispered.
“Yeah,” I whispered back.
His thumb swiped lightly down my cheek before he turned around and walked down the hall. I stayed right where I was, not moving or, well, possibly swaying slightly in the swirly air currents he had caused by walking away.
When he got to his door, he turned his face partway back to me. The smile on his mouth bloomed slowly. I watched it spread across the lips I’d just been kissing and, with supreme willpower, didn’t either fall down or follow him into his room to mash my face against his.
“See you in the morning,” he whispered.
“Yeah.”
And then, because the other choice was a Very Bad one, and my one remaining working brain cell fired, I turned around and dashed to my bed.
But I didn’t close my door.
I spent the next few hours, with my heart pounding, staring at that open space, shackling my wrists with my top sheet to keep me pinned right there and warning myself that terrible fates would crash down on me if I made one move toward that open door.
Acknowledgments
Many thanks to Amy Berkower, Abby McAden, Elise Howard, Sarah Heller, and Magda Lendzion—without you there would truly be no book and, let’s be honest, an acknowledgment page with no book after it is a silly thing. When I venture out from my desk into the world, I find myself surrounded by both brilliance and kindness thanks to the good people of the Author’s Guild, my cool nieces and nephews, my extraordinary friends, and especially my wonderful parents. I am indebted to readers who have shared insights with me, and to Judy Blume, for her inspiration, generosity, and friendship. A special thanks to my teachers and to my kids’ teachers: I am learning from you still. And more than I can ever say, I thank the three guys I live with, for their poetry and support, their grace and their love.
In loving memory of Paula Danziger: The world is less glittery without you.
Praise for
If We Kiss
“Amazing what one kiss can do.”
—Kirkus Reviews
“Vail proves that first love is anything but simple and sweet. Her razor-sharp wit will keep readers turning pages.”
—Publishers Weekly
“Very appealing. Charlie is much funnier and more knowing than any ninth-grader on the planet.”
—ALA Booklist
“Absolutely believable. Vail demonstrates her usual knack for getting to the heart of an emotional quandary.”
—BCCB
“Vail has created a story that will resonate with teen girls everywhere.”
