“I thought that’s what we did during the night.”

  “That was passing time while waiting for the outcome of the engagement. This is celebrating victory.”

  Goar wasn’t sure of the distinction, but hardly cared to argue. The two of them went to the junction where the five paths diverged, so as to keep an eye on it just in case the BEMs tried to return. They took off their wing packs so as to have more freedom of motion. They had not done so during the night, for fear that they might have to get into action at any moment.

  “That reminds me,” Goar said. “Why was the King so interested in your wings?”

  “He was just baiting me any way he could manage.” She paused. “But now I think of it, it is curious. He said those packs have very special properties.”

  “They enable us to fly,” Goar said. “What else?”

  “I wonder.” She put her pack back on, then took it off again. “There is something. I feel it.”

  Goar did the same, and felt it too. “It touches the mind. I never noticed before. Maybe to better respond to our directives.”

  “Maybe. But now I’m suspicious. If it touches our minds, can it be telepathically traced, the way Terza was, once Doris Dragon touched her mind?”

  “Now that makes me nervous,” he said. “Could we be traced while wearing the packs? Maybe by the BEMs?”

  “Maybe we’re just guessing, and there’s nothing. But let’s not risk it.”

  “Let’s not risk it,” he agreed.

  They set the packs aside. Then, completely naked, they made love again. It was delightful. Goar suspected that though Incident was now stunningly lovely, she had not forgotten what it felt like to be ugly, and reveled in the new power of her body.

  “As you revel in yours,” she murmured, knowing the parallel nature of his own thoughts.

  The roc appeared as they were finishing. They did not bother to cover up, as the bird and turtle were well familiar with their leisure activity, from both physical and mental observation.

  “Any activity?” Incident asked, her speech sending her thought. She expected a routine report of nothing new.

  The BEMS have returned, in part, Terza thought. Not to the five paths, which they know we’re watching, but to a chasm we thought was impassible. They seem to be constructing two bridges. We remained out of sight. She sent them the specific location, which was not far distant.

  “The sneaks!” Goar exclaimed.

  Should we bomb them?

  “Hold off on that,” Incident said. Now she started dressing, and Goar did too. “This could be decoy effort, to distract us while their real activity is elsewhere. We’ll investigate quietly ourselves, while you continue watching the paths.”

  Good enough. Bird and turtle departed.

  “It’s amazing how well those two get along now,” Goar said. “Terza’s fear of birds is truly gone.”

  Incident smiled. “Fortunately Turtle and Birdie know that it is purely a work relationship. Unless they’re into sharing partners.”

  “Oh, are we into that?”

  “Not even in your dirty male imagination.” She reached for the wing pack, then froze. “Uh-oh.”

  He had almost forgotten too. “We can’t use the wings. If the BEMs are tracking them, that will ruin our effort to spy on them.”

  “We’ll just have to scramble. You can move faster than I can, across level ground. Maybe you should carry me.”

  “Agreed.” He bared his treads, picked her up and set out for the chasm.

  They raced for the place, Incident orienting on the location. They came to the far end of it, and he guided along the left side because the tread support worked better there. Then between the trees ahead they saw the activity at the chasm.

  The BEMs had loosed arrows trailing lines, across the gulf, to catch in trees, and were now using those lines to guide heavier lines. When those were in place, they would be able send some BEMs across to firmly anchor stout ropes and fashion bridges for armies to march across.

  The BEMs were on one side of the gap, while Goar and Incident were on the other side. That meant he couldn’t simply wade in with saws buzzing. Bleep! He missed the wings already.

  He set her down and they paused, considering, while they remained hidden. “They never showed us their bows,” Incident whispered. “Only swords and clubs.”

  “They are canny monsters,” he agreed. “We didn’t know they could do construction, either.”

  “If they have bows and arrows, they can shoot at the roc and stop him from bombing their bridges. We don’t want to put him at such risk. He’s invulnerable, but getting stuck with hundreds of arrows wouldn’t be much fun. It would be a job to pull them all out later.”

  “Which means we’d better try to stop this ourselves,” Goar said. “And soon, before those bridges are completed. But we’re on the wrong side, and we don’t want to wait for them to complete the bridges and come across to meet us.”

  Then Incident noticed something else. “One passel of BEMs is male. The other is female. The cunning monsters must have figured I’d show up, and sent a contingent that would not freak out.”

  “You can flash the males so they drop into the chasm.”

  “And you can do the same with the females.”

  “Me?”

  “Strip dance for them. They’ll freak out when you get down to your underpants.”

  He was uncertain. “Does that work on females?”

  “They have to be pretty stupid, and the male has to be exceedingly handsome. Fortunately you are, now, when you have your socks on. It’s worth a try.”

  “So be it,” he agreed grimly.

  “Here are some pointers. Move your hips; those are called grinds. Move your groin back and forth; those are bumps. The fact is that females go for that sort of thing much as males do: they imagine that they are making out with the performer. Smile continuously, as if you have just discovered the woman of your dreams.”

  “I will imagine you.”

  She smiled and kissed him. Then they separated, and advanced to the two construction sites. But as Goar arrived, he discovered that somehow they had gotten mixed up, and he was approaching the male passel. It was too late to switch places; they had seen him. Bleep again.

  What could he do but go into his act and hope for the best?

  “Observe!” he called as he came to the brink opposite the BEMs. They paused in their work and gazed at him, maybe relieved that he couldn’t get at them with his weapons.

  He went into his act, bumping and grinding. The BEMs watched, their eyes bugging. Then they burst into laughter. It was so violent that they lost their footing on the edge of the chasm and fell into the depth. In barely two moments all six of them were gone.

  Well, now. This wasn’t exactly the way he had planned it, but who could argue with success? He walked to the lines that led to the trees, yanked their arrows out of the trunks, and tossed them into the chasm. His job was done.

  Then he headed for the other crew, ready to help Incident if she needed it. Rather than mess up her act, in case it was working, he stopped behind a tree and watched and listened. And was amazed.

  The BEMmies were not freaking out at Incident’s panties, but they were paying close attention. In fact it had become a kind of class. Incident was demonstrating bumps and grinds, and the BEMmies were imitating them. Then she demonstrated the most effective flashing technique, and they were copying that too. But there was a problem: they lacked panties.

  Incident walked to a nearby pantree on her side of the chasm, and harvested a nice fresh ripe blue panty. She put it on over her original one. The females did the same on their side. Then they sported panties of six different colors, and Goar had to admit it made them a lot more interesting. The panties made their bulbous bodies look significantly more slender and shapely. It was evident that just as flesh shaped panties, panties shaped flesh.

  They followed with bras, which further enhanced their torsos. Then light robes, which concealed most of their torsos while exposing strategic parts. It was effective; Goar was almost getting interested himself.

  The six BEMmies danced in unison, following Incident’s lead, becoming a chorus line. Suddenly, they all whirled and hoisted their robes, just so, flashing their panties. Goar clapped his hands over his eyes just barely in time; he had almost freaked out.

  Then Goar came up. “Congratula—” he started, to Incident. Then she whirled and flashed him.

  He woke to the applause of the BEMmies. Incident had demonstrated how to do it. She had used an extra flirt of her skirt to make it that much more surprising and effective. Had the BEMmies done it that way, they would have caught him, because he would not have seen it coming in time.

  Then a passel of male BEMs charged forward, from the forest, ready to cross the bridge in case it had been completed. It hadn’t; work had stopped when the class started. They stopped, glaring at the females for their failure.

  And the BEMmies whirled and flashed, exactly as Incident had, getting that last little skirt flirt in. The males freaked out.

  Goar realized that this bridge, too, had been stopped, because the females had learned something more important: how to freak out their males at home, so their males wouldn’t go raiding for human girls with more effective panties. In fact as the news spread there would probably be no more panty raids. The day had been saved in a completely unexpected way.

  The six BEMmies bowed together to Incident, who returned the bow. Class was over, and they had graduated.

  It was time to go home for both sides. The BEMmies did not snap their fingers yet; they simply picked up the males’ feet and dragged them along the path, away from the chasm and the possible sight of Incident. Goar and Incident walked away.

  “We’ll have to fetch some stink bombs and other discouragements,” Goar said. They would keep their eyes on the five paths and two bridge sites, just in case, but this was probably academic at this point. The fact was, the BEM invasion had been halted. Maybe they would continue to raid Mundane conventions and the like, but Xanth was off the list. It was too well defended.

  Chapter 16

  Dance

  They boarded their flight to return in good order to Shee Castle, ready to relax and unwind. All of them were a trifle better looking than they had been, though they really didn’t need it. They had, after all, just saved Xanth from the BEMvasion, a good deed. Goar loved Incident and she loved him. Happiness awaited them. They could retire at any time and enjoy it.

  But Goar was wary. He existed under a cloud. He had not yet earned Squid’s forgiveness, and until he did, his life was not his own. This was not merely Squid’s judgment; it was his own. He could not forgive himself for that dreadful crime.

  “Cent for your cognition,” Incident said as they rode the roc, referring to an obscure and largely worthless Mundane unit of currency.

  He was reluctant to remind her of his private horror, as it affected her too. “It’s nothing.”

  “Nothing for your noesis? Two imaginary cents.”

  She was bargaining? “It’s not worth discussing.”

  “Three cents. That’s my limit.”

  “Incident, I really don’t want to bore you with it.” Or horrify her. His life since he met her was a completely different thing.

  She sighed. “I see I will have to invoke the next level.” She leaned in and kissed him.

  His resistance turned to mush, as it usually did when she addressed him seriously. “That’s not fair!” he protested.

  “All’s fair in love.” She made as if to kiss him again. It was a potent threat. “Now will you talk?”

  He saw there was no help for it. She would have it out of him one way or another. She was amused, but that could change. “What if she never forgives me?”

  Incident instantly sobered. There was no need to clarify whom or what or how. “Oh my.”

  Now that the ice was broken and they were in the freezing gulf of his guilt, he couldn’t stop talking. “Why would she ever forgive me? I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I don’t deserve happiness with you.”

  She shook her head. “Ordinarily, I’d argue the case. But you killed her. How can you ever earn her forgiveness for that?”

  “That’s my thought, all three cents of it.”

  “Yet there must be a way, or she wouldn’t have given you the chance. Her friend Fornax wouldn’t have helped you.”

  “Unless I owe her my life in return. They may be waiting for the perfect moment. But if I pay that—”

  “I’d be a widow.” They weren’t married, but the sentiment fit.

  He faced the pain. “Maybe we should break up, so you won’t have to suffer on my account when the time comes.”

  “I am already suffering.”

  “But—”

  She kissed him again. “That was my way of saying no.”

  “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” Terza interrupted. “But your minds are overwhelming. Yet I also sense that there’s a way.”

  Both turned to her with forlorn hope. “How?” Incident asked.

  “I don’t know. But there’s something in Squid’s mind. She’s coming within my range. She’s not trying to tease you with the impossible. She doesn’t hate you. There really is a way. That’s all I know.”

  “She must be coming to Shee Castle,” Incident said. “That’s curious.”

  “She means to talk with us. With all of us. It feels deadly serious.”

  “Not just Goar?” Incident asked. “The rest of us too? What do we have to do with her forgiveness of Goar?”

  “It’s complicated,” Terza said. “I can’t tell how the rest of us relate, only that we do. She’ll be waiting for us at Shee Castle.” She paused, surprised. “Or maybe it’s Laurelai, whoever that is, speaking for Squid.”

  “Her friend,” Goar said. “I met her in passing. Lovely girl.”

  Now the others joined in. “What could this Laurelai have to say to any of us?” Beetle Bunny asked. “We didn’t even know Goar when he transgressed.”

  “We are nevertheless involved,” Terza said. “Incident, her three Companions, and their girlfriends. Seven people in all. Without Goar, we would not be together. He is an integral part of our present lives. We have to do something special.”

  “If it’s to help Goar,” Ruby said, “We’ll do it. He may have been evil in the past, but he is good now.”

  On that they all agreed. He was touched by their loyalty, uncertain whether he deserved that either.

  They circled Shee Castle, and came in for a landing. A servitor came out to meet Birdie. “Your Highness, there’s a visitor. A woman.”

  “Laurelai,” Birdie said. “We’ll meet with her in the main audience hall in fifteen minutes. Set up refreshments and then give us privacy. Oh, and yes, we did save Xanth from the BEMs. Spread the word. Our innocent maidens will be safe from their depredations.” She made three and a half fifths of a smile. “No four-handed groping.”

  Wordlessly, he retreated.

  As they walked, Goar saw a young woman turn her back on another, and flash her panties—and the other froze in place, freaking out. “What?” he asked, confused.

  Birdie laughed. “I am an equal opportunity employer. Some of my serving girls are lesbian. Sometimes they tease each other.”

  “Panties can freak out a woman?”

  “And pants can freak out a man, if he is of that persuasion.”

  Goar shook his head, amazed.

  They made for the restrooms for natural functions like quick mirror primping, then went to the main audience hall. It had been set up with a table of delicacies and chairs to accommodate all of them, facing a small stage at one end.

  Laurelai was there. Goar went up to meet her. “You look improved, since I last saw you, golem,” she said.

  “I managed to do some good deeds, and was rewarded with better looks. We understand you have something to say to us.”

  “I do indeed. Take your snacks and form a seated audience. I will address you from the stage. You can eat while you listen.”

  There was something about her. “Are you—?”

  Her expression changed briefly to something awesome. “Fornax, borrowing my usual host,” she agreed. “But I will let Laurelai handle it unless there is reason for me to manifest. Honor my privacy.”

  So the infinitely powerful Demoness was present. This was important. Like the servitor, he departed wordlessly. He saw Queen Birdie approach Laurelai, and the two conferred briefly. Then Birdie nodded and separated. She had evidently been given the word also.

  Soon they were all seated, facing the stage, munching their mini meals.

  The young woman took that stage. Her blue-black hair and eyes were striking, and she had a remarkable presence. “Hello, all. What I say here will not be shared with others who are not here; a magical geis, or obligation of honor, has been applied that you will feel if you attempt to break it. Just so you know.” She took a breath. “I am Laurelai, speaking for my close friend Squid, an alien cuttlefish phrased as a human girl.

  “To reprise briefly, Goar Golem murdered Squid and her human fiancé Larry. Two Dwarf Demons,” she pronounced the words so that their capitalizations were evident, “were responsible for putting Goar together, assembling him from several diverse parts including a human soul, and charging him with this foul mission; it was not strictly speaking his fault. Therefore Squid elected to give him a chance to earn her forgiveness for that brutal act. Larry will follow her lead.”

  She paused, smiling. “Larry is my male counterpart. Just as Ruby can change her form from rabbit to human, being a crossbreed, and Terza Turtle can appear as a human woman, and Incident Oma’s three animal companions can change their forms, so also I can shift from female to male. Larry looks like this.” She changed to a handsome young man, complete with appropriate clothing, something no ordinary shape shifter could manage. He glanced around and smiled, and there was something about him that made girlish hearts pulse. That was apparent in the reaction of the younger ladies present. Goar suspected that it was the ambiance of the Demon Chaos.

 

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