Her Bush (Objects of Attraction), page 6
Lonzo tapped his chin and watched Harry with evident annoyance. He finally let out a long sigh. “I’ll send you an offer within twenty-four hours. You’re also an asshole, Harry.”
Harry reached out and shook Lonzo’s hand. “And your love of assholes is always appreciated.”
What was it with these two men and assholes? Wasn’t I allowed to go two minutes without that mental image?
Lonzo rolled his eyes before setting his drink down and leaving.
“Wow,” I said. “So, you just tricked him into making an offer?”
Harry scrunched up his face and tilted his head. “When you say it like that, it sounds really scummy. No, I just used persuasion tactics to make sure my clients have a publisher for their wonderful book.”
“Right. You tricked him. Is it really as good as you said it was?”
Harry grinned. “Okay, I might’ve fibbed about reading it. But I’m sure it’s great.”
I laughed. “You’re terrible. And you’re a frighteningly good liar. Should I believe anything that comes out of your mouth?”
“Why would I lie to you?”
I tapped my lip as I thought his question over. “So, it’s just a matter of you needing a good enough reason to lie?”
Harry laughed. “You really are a dangerous one. You’re too sharp to be trimming bushes all day.”
“Dangerous? Hardly. I’m about as dangerous as a wet paper bag.”
“Exactly. Nobody thinks a wet paper bag is dangerous until it’s too late.”
I smirked. “I’m pretty sure nobody has ever suffered the consequences of underestimating a wet paper bag. Actually, I guess you could assume a wet paper bag was capable of holding your lunch. Then it’d fall out and get dirty, but I mean, that’s hardly too dramatic as far as consequences go...”
“I like that about you,” Harry said.
“What? My ability to imagine hypothetical wet paper bag scenarios? Because if you like that, I can tell you what would happen if we added some mud. Or maybe even mayonnaise?” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.
Harry chuckled. “No. I mean that you don’t take things for how they are. You want to peel everything back and look at what’s beneath.” His eyebrows knitted together, then he nodded. “Other people just let the world take them for a ride, but that’s not enough for you, is it?”
I wasn’t quite sure what to say. When I thought about what he said, I realized he was right. I’d never been satisfied as easily as my friends growing up. Everybody else seemed to just jump into things head first and ask questions later. Meanwhile, I’d be standing on the sidelines trying to run through all the ways it could go wrong. I guess a lifetime of that meant I had a habit of turning ideas over from every possible angle instead of just letting them slide past me.
“I’m sorry,” Harry said, misinterpreting my silence. “Listen to me getting weird. Forget I said anything, okay?”
“What point am I supposed to start forgetting from? Like do I need to ask your name again, or do you just mean the last minute or so?”
He grinned. "How about you go back to the time where you liked me the most?"
“Okay,” I said. “You mean, right now?” How’s that for rolling with the punches? I mentally high fived myself for the smooth line. Because it was a mental high five, I didn’t miss and hit myself in the elbow, or the eye like I probably would’ve in real life.
Harry fixed those dazzling eyes of his on me. He put his hand on my side, and I couldn’t tell if he was pulling me closer or if I was just being drawn in by some kind of mysterious, hot guy magnetic force.
Was I supposed to put my hand on his side, too? Was it weird that I was just standing there with my arms hanging limp? Should I start dancing?
For a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me, but somebody loudly cried out nearby and shattered the bubble we seemed to be in.
Harry followed my eyes toward the big green penis bush. A group of men and women were surrounding it in a circle and talking excitedly. A woman at the center of the group seemed to be the leader. She was dressed extravagantly in flowing clothes with a scarf and bright blue-rimmed glasses. She looked sophisticated and more than a little eccentric.
“I think you should introduce yourself,” Harry said. “I’m sure they would love to meet the woman behind the piece.”
I started to object, but Harry was already walking toward the crowd. I trailed behind him, keeping enough distance that I could still run or dive for cover if he tried to draw attention to me.
I finally let out the breath I’d been holding since he put his hand on my side. It had felt like we were both getting pulled in a direction that I wasn’t sure I was ready to be pulled so soon. Closer. Deeper. Whatever you wanted to call it. One thing was for sure: I’d never met a man who made me feel so electrified. It was as close to magic as anything I’d ever seen. Just being near him made my skin tingle, and my mind feel like it was running at five times the average speed.
Unfortunately, I was using that extra speed to come up with dumb, embarrassing things to say at five times the standard rate. Shouldn’t I have been able to win two chess games at once or something?
The group didn’t pay us any attention until Harry cleared his throat and hopped up on a small stone bench. “Ladies and gentlemen,” He said. “I’m thrilled to introduce someone very special to you all. The cockitecht.”
The cockitecht. I could’ve slapped him or laughed. I wasn’t sure which would’ve been more appropriate, but I knew I’d already missed my window of opportunity to escape. A dozen pairs of eyes were watching me with obvious interest.
The woman with the blue glasses and silver hair approached me with an outstretched hand.
“I’m Maya North.”
I took her hand and shook it. She had cold hands, which made me understand why she was wearing so many layers despite the relatively warm night. “Hi. I’m Nell.”
“The cockitecht,” Maya added in a reverent whisper.
I smirked. “That’s just Harry being—”
She leaned in, still speaking in hushed tones. “Don’t apologize for being unique, dear. Be bold. Take the world by the balls and twist. Fuck ‘em.”
I laughed, even though I felt more confused than anything. I was pretty sure ball twisting wasn’t great foreplay, but then I guessed I also wasn’t the most experienced when it came to the whole sexual experience department.
Maya straightened as the rest of her little entourage caught up with us. Harry was watching from behind them with an amused look on his face. I wouldn’t have minded grabbing him by the balls and twisting right about now. Then again, I had a feeling putting my hand anywhere near Harry’s balls would lead me in an unintended direction. Maybe it was good foreplay…
Maya spoke as if she was addressing a class of interested students. “Nell,” she said loudly now. “We were speculating on the meaning of your piece. We’d be honored to hear the artist’s own interpretation. Using a medium as unconventional as a living organism to make a statement like this. It’s just brilliant, and we want to know more.”
I cleared my throat. I wanted it to say, hey, I’m a penguin building a snowman! Aren’t I cute? I wasn’t about to admit that in front of all these apparent art critics. Roll with the punches. Don’t overthink it. “Well,” I said, taking the time to give Harry one very dirty look. “I actually don’t like to divulge the secrets of my art.”
I watched Maya and her friends as I spoke, and from the way her eyebrow twitched up, I thought I was going in the right direction.
“You see,” I continued. “The most powerful art, to me, is art that creates discussion. Something that makes people think and challenges their beliefs.” I guessed I wasn’t entirely bullshitting. I never quite managed to figure out what I wanted to do with myself, but I knew I wanted to do something creative—something that challenged expectations and excited people.
“Brilliant,” Maya said.
As if her approval flipped a kind of switch, the rest of her entourage all nodded and started whispering excitedly. I noticed one man at the back of the group who wasn’t whispering or looking anywhere but directly at me.
Maya pulled a glossy card out and handed it to me. “This is my number. I’d be honored to show one of your pieces at my gallery. I don’t normally take new art this close to a show, but I can squeeze you into our biggest gala of the year. It’s in one week.”
I stepped fully into my fictional role as a serious bush sculptor and nodded as if I’d expected something like this to happen. On the inside, I was in full-blown panic. “Of course. The honor would be mine.”
Maya nodded. She started to leave, then paused. “Oh. I almost forgot. I’m having a smaller showing for a few close friends tomorrow night. You should come.” And just like that, Maya walked off with her little crew, leaving me standing there with my mouth still hanging open.
“Wow,” I said once Harry came back to my side. “That’s a good thing, right?”
“Are you kidding? It’s great. Maya is the kind of art purveyor who shows pieces that sell for millions.”
“Millions of what, dollars? You’re being serious right now?”
Harry pointed to his face. “Does this look like the face of somebody who’s kidding?”
I made an undignified squealing noise and leaped at his chest, kind of like a forward-oriented trust fall. Harry caught me in his arms—his very strong arms, I noted—and held me there. “It looked like the face of somebody I wanted to hug.”
Harry said nothing, and I felt the awkwardness seep into me until I wanted to turn into a puddle and slide off into the darkness.
I peeled myself away from him but noticed that he kept his arms around my waist. “I’m happy for you. And I’m glad you wanted to hug,” he added with a half-grin. “I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“Yeah. Me either. Looking before leaping has never been a specialty of mine.”
“Maybe a little bit of you would be good for me, then. I’ve always had the problem of spending so long looking that the chance to leap passes me by.”
I chewed my lip. “Oh? And are there any particular ledges you’ve been considering jumping off lately? I’d be glad to help give you a little push.”
“There’s one ledge that I was considering,” he said.
I had to sneeze. It was absolutely the worst possible timing, which was just like my stupid body. “One se—” I held my finger to my nose and took a step back, looked up at the stars, squinted, made all kinds of faces, but nothing was killing the growing sense of need.
“Are you okay?” Harry stepped closer and put his hands on my shoulders before bending to look in my eyes.
“No, no, jus—” And then it happened. I sneezed directly in his face.
The only slight piece of silver lining was that it wasn’t the sort of sneeze where some rogue mucousy thug had been lodged so deep in me that my body decided to launch it at the speed of sound. Nope. I just gave Harry a nice, unpleasant misting of God knew what.
He raised his eyebrows. For a long, horrifying few seconds, I thought he was going to slap me. Maybe a backhand. Maybe a forehead. Maybe just an uppercut. But I thought the only appropriate response was some sort of physical violence. Naturally, I waited and stared back with wide, shocked eyes.
“Oh,” he said finally. “You were trying to sneeze.”
“Trying and succeeding,” I said, noting the light mist of moisture dotting his beautiful face. I reached up and started trying to wipe him clean, but when my thumb brushed against his lip, I froze. “Oh my God. I’m making it worse. Now I’m groping you.” I pulled my hands back and held them behind my back. “Is there a lake nearby? I could just jump in and, you know, stay underwater.”
Harry laughed. I also noticed he didn’t seem to be in a hurry to run and grab a napkin to wipe the rest of my disaster off his face. It was gross and endearing at the same time. “I’d prefer you alive. If you drowned, who else could make sure my immune system was still working properly?”
I hesitantly reached up and wiped the last little speck of moisture from his cheek. “You’re not grossed out?”
“No. I spent time on a farm when I was growing up. I’ve been elbow deep in some things you wouldn’t even want to imagine. I don’t think getting sneezed on by a pretty girl is going to make me flinch any time soon.”
“Wait, somebody else sneezed on you tonight?”
"Ah, no. Actually, I was talking about you."
I inwardly groaned. Stop trying to be funny, Nell. Funny isn’t your thing. Not when it’s intentional, at least. “No, I just don’t know how to take compliments. I kind of short circuit so you probably shouldn’t say nice things to me. It’ll be awkward for everyone.”
“So I shouldn’t tell you that I’m really enjoying tonight, and don’t want it to be our last date?”
“Um, well,” I said. “You could say that. It’s more of an indirect compliment.”
“I’m enjoying tonight because I really like you.” Harry’s eyes twinkled as he watched me. Bastard.
“Yep. I’m starting to feel like I don’t remember how to walk or breathe properly. I hope you’re happy.”
“If you want to make me happy, why don’t you let me help you with this whole Maya North thing? I can make arrangements to get that huge penis of yours mobile. I’m not exactly an art agent, but in the meantime, I can at least try to protect you from making any major mistakes.”
“I couldn’t let you do all that. I mean, don’t get me wrong. I really appreciate the offer, but—”
“Please. I’ll make it up to you by taking you on a really low budget date. Then we’ll basically be even.”
I found myself smiling. How did I go from bumping around in a gardening van full of smelly guys to standing here? Did I accidentally body swap with some poor, unsuspecting woman who actually had good things happen to her? I discreetly checked the freckles on my arm. Sure enough, all the usual suspects were there. Except…
I licked my thumb and rubbed at a freckle I didn’t recognize on my thumb. Yep. That’s what I thought. Chocolate.
“I mean, if you’re going to insist,” I said with a smirk. “I would hate to make you ruin your nice suit by getting on your knees to beg, which I can only assume is where this goes if I refuse again.”
Harry returned my smile. “Perfect. Then we’ll turn this gallery event that’s coming up into a date and a business partnership.”
A date and a business partnership. It was perfect and also very much, probably not perfect. I was pretty sure I wouldn't have needed to go far to find historical examples of thousands and thousands of times when mixing business with pleasure went horribly wrong. Thankfully, I didn't have a history of making everything I touched go horribly wrong. Whoops, did I forget to turn the sarcasm switch off?
6
HARRY
Getting Nell's penis and balls to Maya's party had been a bit of an undertaking. The first obstacle was getting the damn thing out of the ground without doing any damage to the bush. I had a team of professionals assure me it would survive the journey once they potted it and made it portable. They also promised to stay on as staff to make sure the plant was kept healthy and thriving. I also hired an artist to document the current shape of Nell's bush cock and maintain it exactly as it was. I wasn't about to say as much to Nell, but I was reasonably sure the final form of her art had been mostly a happy accident, so I didn't want her to have to try to maintain the thing until the gala next week.
I met Nell at Maya’s home about an hour before the party started. She looked stunning in an appropriately bush green dress. With her bright orange hair, she looked like some kind of nature goddess. I instinctively wrapped my hand around her waist when I saw her and pulled her in for a hug. “Tonight is going to be perfect for you,” I said in her ear. I also couldn’t help noticing how small and fragile she felt in my grip, as well as the subtle press of her breasts against my stomach.
She pulled back with a smile. “Why is that, exactly?”
“Because everyone is going to love your bush.”
“Hmm,” she said with a playful smirk. “I was only planning on showing that to somebody special when the time was right.”
I had just taken a sip of my drink and nearly spit it out. “I walked right into that. I’ve referenced your bush and your penis so many times while I was getting this all organized that I think I became desensitized to how crazy it sounds.”
She nodded. “And now we get to watch my friendly green giant slide out of a truck in a completely non-phallic way. You’re sure it’s okay that I’m basically uprooting one of your bushes and turning it into an art exhibit?”
I laughed. “Are you kidding? I can’t think of a more noble way to lose one of my bushes.”
“Well, thank you. For everything.”
We were standing in Maya’s driveway as the bush was wheeled out—backwards, of course—from the back of a moving truck. “I feel like we need a team of middle schoolers to follow this thing around and document every joke they make. This one would definitely be a ‘your mom’ joke.”
“Oh, for sure,” Nell said. “That’s what it looked like when I tried to bang your mom, Tyler!”
“Tyler?” I asked, laughing.
“I don’t know. I’m just trying to get into character.”
A team of workers moved the bush past us and carefully got it in through the wide front doors of Maya’s house. “Well,” I said. “Joking aside, this is a big night for you. Do you think you’re ready?”
