Wife After Wife, page 31
“Whatever.”
Megan handed Harry a cup of tea and rolled her eyes at her stepdaughter’s response. “I’d forgotten what a mine of information you are,” she said. “And, girls, don’t dismiss Harry as an old fogy. If it wasn’t for him, you might not be enjoying that high-speed internet connection. You’d be stuck watching Ski Sunday.”
Arabella looked up and said, “Oh yeah, I forgot you do internet stuff. Cool! You wanna see, Harry? Hey, we could make you an avatar.”
He went over to the sofa, the two girls shuffling along to make space between them. He squeezed in with difficulty. He’d put on weight again, but had been too wrapped up in his grief to do anything about it. The mirror still terrified him, so he’d also stopped shaving and had grown a beard. Terri had told him he looked like Henry VIII.
“Sorry to squash you, girls. I really ought to do something about this old fellow,” he said, patting his spare tire.
“Oh, if you need diet advice, we know it all,” said Arabella. “You’ve probably been comfort eating, right?”
“Me and Arabella do that, like, all the time,” said Milly. “And stress eating. You’ve got a better excuse than us though. But yeah, might be time to lose a few kilos. Try giving up carbs. Just go for protein and veggies.”
“Is cake carbs?”
The girls laughed. “No cake allowed. Or ice cream or biscuits,” said Arabella.
“Or Nutella,” said Milly.
“So what can I have for pudding?”
“An apple.”
“Well, I have to say, you two are no fun at all.”
“Your avatar can have as much cake as he wants,” said Arabella. “Let’s create an account for you, then you can play with us when you get home. We’re usually online in the evening. It might take your mind off food—like, stop you from eating.”
“That’s actually a legit good idea,” said Milly.
They created Harry’s avatar and showed him how to play. He scrambled his surname and called himself Eros03. The tall, good-looking redhead in jeans and a check shirt resembled Harry at twenty.
Arabella grinned at Milly. “He’s hot! I would.”
The girls made him promise to meet up online that night. Their avatars were called Thing001 and Thing002.
“It was lovely to see you having fun,” said Megan as he stood on the doorstep saying goodbye. “It’s been a while. Perhaps it’s time for Eliza and Eddie to come back.”
“You’re right, it is.”
He waved from the taxi as it set off for St. Katharine Docks. Harry had hated being by himself in the huge, empty Primrose Hill house. Too many ghosts. He’d gone back to the river. Being near the Thames again helped.
The grief wasn’t as raw now, but it would still blindside him at unexpected moments: a glimpse of someone who reminded him of her; a scent, a turn of phrase, a TV theme tune, a burst of music. He’d probably never watch another Bond movie in his life.
At least at work he could now hold the grief at bay. And he’d managed to reduce his daily painkillers from too many to count to single figures. He was still taking the sleeping pills, however—no way could he give those up yet. This past week he’d tried, but on the first night had woken several times, his sheets soaked in sweat, overwhelmed by a sense of dread.
Was he fit to look after his children again? Katie had said it would be no trouble to have them for a while longer. She was so saintly, he wouldn’t have been surprised to see an actual halo hovering over her head. When she’d collected Eliza and Eddie after the funeral, he wondered for a moment why he’d ever let her go.
But yes, he was ready. In fact he was suddenly overwhelmed by the need to see his children again. He’d ask Megan to get in touch with the nanny agency.
Later, he went online and set off as Eros03 to find Milly and Arabella. He couldn’t (the game was far more difficult without a youngster by his side), but instead found himself in a virtual tavern drinking virtual beer and chatting up a busty platinum blonde called Chloe0573. She had powerful thighs and a clever way with words, and they arranged to meet at the same time, same place, tomorrow.
After midnight, Harry forgot to take his sleeping pill, but nevertheless fell into a sleep that was deep and dreamless.
* * *
• • •
“They’re all ready for their walk,” said Lisa, the new nanny.
“Look, it’s the Michelin Man!” said Harry, chucking Eddie under the chin. His little son, so well wrapped up he was practically rigid, gurgled in glee.
“Can I push him, Daddy?” asked Eliza as he maneuvered the buggy through the front door.
“When we get to the park. Thanks, Lisa. We’ll be back later this afternoon.”
The nanny agency had come up trumps. One of those friendly, fresh-faced Kiwis, that winning combination of laid-back and reliable. As long as she was allowed the occasional weekend off to explore the next on her list of European cities (taking advantage of a generous discount on Rose Air), Lisa was happy to stay home with the children anytime Harry wanted her to. But he wished she wouldn’t call his son “Iddie.”
“Oh, Harry,” she said, “can I have a quick word about Iddie’s vaccinations before you go? Mrs. Rose, Katie—I think she and the other lady . . . well, I get the impression they’re anti-vaxxers—”
“I’d rather Eddie didn’t contract a preventable disease,” interrupted Harry. “I’d quite like him to make it to adulthood. Please go ahead, Lisa.”
Harry hailed a cab and lifted Eddie in, still secured in the buggy, then strapped in Eliza. Thank heavens for black cabs. Single-handedly folding a buggy while holding a baby was a mighty challenge. Running a huge corporation often seemed simple in comparison to looking after two young children.
At Regent’s Park they set off walking through an avenue of bare trees. The weak February sun shone through the branches, and the ground glistened with frost. It was a bitterly cold day, and the children’s cheeks and noses were bright pink, their breath emerging as misty ghosts that flew off to play. Eliza seemed oblivious to the cold as she tore after a squirrel, her red boots crunching on the grass.
Harry smiled, watching her. Oh, to be able to live in the moment like that.
When they reached the end of the avenue, he sat down on a bench, parking Eddie beside him. The honk of a seal reached him on the wind, and he had a sudden memory of coming to the zoo with Katie and Maria all those years ago, and bumping into Bennie and Henry. It had been the beginning of the end of his marriage. That little boy would be eighteen or nineteen now. Would he ever show up on Harry’s doorstep? What was he like? A sense of loss pushed its way in.
He realized . . . he was taking an interest in the world again, thinking beyond his own pain, his day-to-day existence. He felt like he might be heading back into the light. But if that light was going to shine on him, he needed to take himself in hand, kick the drugs and the whisky. And perhaps he should join a gym. Just this short walk across the park had rendered him breathless.
“Daddy, look at the squirrel!” Eliza gave them a happy wave, and Eddie chortled.
They deserved better than this broken man he’d become.
* * *
• • •
After the children were in bed, Harry served himself only half of the pasta dish Lisa had left him, and poured a glass of water. Later, he logged on to the computer and started looking at property. Eliza and Eddie should have a proper home, with a big garden to run around in. He had a hankering to live in Richmond, somewhere not too far from the river. A sprawling, centuries-old property on the edge of Richmond Park caught his eye. It looked like a Tudor hunting lodge and was gloriously beautiful, with the added bonus of a tennis court and two swimming pools. Somehow it was calling to him. He noted down the details.
He was about to shut down the computer when the Alt Life icon caught his eye. He wondered if Milly and Arabella were online. If not, he could always look for Chloe0573. They had clicked on the “friend” thing at the end of the last session.
After a few false starts he managed to locate her, and he lost track of time as they chatted, having virtual dinner together and going out to a nightclub. It was bonkers, but he was having a wonderful evening and—oh, this was weird—he was starting to feel a strong attraction to this animated collection of pixels. Was it her appearance, or her conversation, or a mix of the two?
They walked out of the club into a beautiful night, the trees around them silvered by moonlight. In the distance was the inky silhouette of a towering mountain range. It wasn’t the sort of view one would expect from a nightclub. But as Harry was learning, in the virtual world, anything was possible. Swept up in the romance of the moment, he chose Kiss from the dropdown menu. As Eros03 took Chloe0573 in his arms, fireflies flitting around them, Harry had to admit they looked good together.
He was astonished to find it was way past midnight when he logged off. Once again he’d forgotten himself, taken no pills, stayed off the bottle.
That night, the ghosts stayed away.
* * *
• • •
Over the following weeks, Eros03 and Chloe0573 met often, and as their online friendship blossomed into something more intimate, the real world began to overlap with the virtual one. But Harry drew a line. He relished the chance to be someone else—a man who wasn’t a household name, who didn’t come with tragic “dead wife” stories, who was baggage-free. One who could manage without drugs and alcohol. Eros03 was a rewind to an earlier Harry Rose, and he didn’t want to come out from behind his avatar. At least, not yet.
Part of him wanted to believe the real Chloe0573 was indeed a strapping blonde with a superior talent for archery. But he was realistic enough to know she was more likely to be Sharon from Wolverhampton with a dull husband and three delinquent children (delinquent because their mother was too busy living another life to look after them properly).
As time went on, Harry was torn. Should he ask her to reveal her true identity, or carry on with the make-believe?
Then, one evening:
Chloe0573: DM me next time?
Eros03: What’s DM?
When she explained, he didn’t reply straightaway. Did he want to cross that line? In the end, curiosity got the better of him.
Eros03: Sure
Chloe0573: Cool! Look in your inbox!
Sure enough, when he logged on the following evening, there was a message. It was from “Anki.”
Hi, Eros! I kinda feel like we’re pretty close now, do you? Don’t wanna spoil the magic so just let’s share the basics for starters? I’m Anki and I live in Cleveland, Ohio, USA. I work as a travel agent. I’d love to know about the real Eros, if you feel ready to share? I’m gonna take a guess and say you’re not American because of the way you talk. Am I right? Xxx
Not from Wolverhampton, then. American. Anki? It sounded Scandinavian, or German. So maybe she did have white-blond hair and powerful thighs.
Hello there, Anki. You are quite correct, I am from across the pond. Name of Harry. I live in London and work for a large corporate. I’m a single dad (recently widowed, I’m afraid) with three children: one grown-up, one small, and one extra-small. I love fast cars and playing tennis.
He didn’t mention he was a widower twice over, for fear she might think him neglectful. What had Oscar Wilde said? To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Anki might make a similar assumption about Harry and his wives.
Oh, Harry, I’m so sorry to hear about your wife, that’s very sad. I’m recently divorced and I have no children. No special talents, but I’m a reasonable cook. Although I’m a travel agent, the farthest I’ve ever been is New York! I’m saving up to visit Europe, it’s always been my dream.
Harry was tempted to send her a ticket to London then and there. He chided himself. Anki wasn’t Chloe. She was probably over fifty, large of waist, and loud of voice.
But he gave her the benefit of the doubt. Over the past weeks, via their avatars, they’d developed what felt like a genuine friendship. They shared a similar sense of humor and particularly enjoyed private jokes about some of the other avatars they interacted with. Anki was enormous fun and, he sensed, kind.
He invited Chloe0573 to join him in his new igloo in the Lands of the North.
Eros03: Would you care to snuggle with me under my fur rug? We can watch the northern lights through the strangely transparent ice window above our heads.
Chloe0573: This is cozy! Wouldn’t it be amazing to see the real thing?
Eros03: When you’ve got your real-life ticket, I’ll show you the sights of London.
Chloe0573: That would be awesome! I will save every cent.
Eros03: Will I recognize you by your white hair which reminds me of a palomino horse? Will you be wearing the metal-paneled skirt and pointy bra thing?
Chloe0573: You’ll have to wait and see! And will you wear your tight blue jeans and check shirt?
Eros03: Sadly too tight. I need to eat less.
Chloe0573: Me too! Oreos are my downfall. Um, how about we swap photos?
Eros03: I will if you will.
Chloe0573: Maybe next time?
Eros03: Maybe.
But it was some time before Harry logged on again. Away from the intensity of the online conversations, and especially when he was in one of his dark moods, he wondered what he’d been thinking. Perhaps she was trying to scam him for money or angling to be an internet bride. Perhaps, somehow, she already knew he was a multimillionaire?
He was also working late most nights. On top of his usual load, plans for the new premises were moving forward. After extensive consultation with his team, he’d gone with the unfurling-rose concept. This was partly because word had reached him of another development, just up the river. At ninety-five stories high, it would be London’s tallest tower. Not wanting to get into a phallic battle, Harry had decided his would be something different.
Then there was the matter of his own move. The Richmond Park mansion had been perfect, and he’d be exchanging contracts soon.
Also, he’d joined a gym. It was in Knightsbridge, and membership was so expensive it couldn’t possibly fail. A personal trainer called TJ was easing him gently into daily exercise, and the gym’s nutritionist was designing a diet that would help him shed the excess weight.
Last, but by no means least, he attempted to go cold turkey on the painkillers. Lisa was away, and he dropped the children for an overnight stay at Megan’s, confiding in her as to the reason. She made him promise to phone if it got too difficult.
It was terrifying. He felt like he was dying. He wanted to die. It was like the worst case of flu he’d ever had, times ten, combined with suicidal thoughts and the feeling that nothing good would ever happen again.
And the ghosts came back. Black shadows, lurking in corners, behind doors. He could feel their pain, and their menace. Everything was his fault.
It was impossible. The only way to do this would be slowly, one step at a time. With help. He took a handful of painkillers and felt human again.
* * *
• • •
England was inching toward summer with the first warm days of the year. The children were in bed, and the balcony doors were open. The hum of voices floated up from the walkway below, mingling with the sound of the Thames softly lapping the sides of the marina.
For the first time in a while Harry clicked on Alt Life. A three-week-old message from Anki was waiting for him:
Hi! Haven’t heard from you in a while. I miss you! How’s life in London, England?
He found Chloe0573 gardening the vegetable patch outside her log cabin.
Eros03: Boo! Sorry I didn’t answer your message. I’ve been very busy at work IRL and also moving house soon. How are you?
Chloe0573: Howdy! I’m still saving! I think I might be able to come to London next year. I hope we can meet up for one of your famous British cups of tea.
Eros03: That’s exciting news! I think we will be the very best of friends.
Chloe0573: I’m kinda hoping we might be more than friends (oh my gosh I am blushing IRL). I think we have a real connection going on. Hey, Harry, what do you look like? I have fair hair and brown eyes, regular height. I’m twenty-nine years old.
Eros03: I’m six foot two. My hair is what they call strawberry blond. Eyes of blue. A bit heavier than I should be but working on that. Older than you but still in my prime.
Chloe0573: So tall! I love a tall man. How about a photo?
Eros03: Probably beyond my technical skills.
Harry waited while there was a brief pause.
Chloe0573: Look in your inbox! That’s me a little while ago. I’m trying to cut down on the junk food too!
Harry clicked on the photo. A pretty girl was standing in front of a pirate ship, grinning at the camera. He recognized Disneyland. She had wavy fair hair and was of average build. Just a regular girl. Harry liked what he saw.
Eros03: You look wholesome! Like healthy bread.
Anki explained how to attach a photo. He copied an old one from the internet—in black tie, at some award ceremony, and sent it, hoping she wouldn’t recognize him.
Eros03: That’s me a couple of years ago. I’m a little larger now but should be back in trim soon. Also I have a beard now.
Chloe0573: I love beards!
Eros03: Excellent news.
Chloe0573: I have to go now but it’s been cool chatting. Good night, Harry xxx
Eros03: Good night, sweetheart xxx
