Halloween Is For Lovers, page 17
The farmer wasn't turning back; he had the spirit of the Lord pushing him forward. Grisly launched into the air in front of the harvester's windshield. Smashing the glass with her electric steel hooves, she thrust her jaws to within an inch of the farmer's face. Slowly her lips quivered up, unsheathing her saber fangs, ready for the lethal bite when ...
Shock sparked in Grisly's eyes. She pulled back fast and hard. She beat a flustered retreat with her wings but it was no use; the reins had been sucked into the mouth of the combine and were slowly pulling her by the head into its gnashing carbide teeth. She squealed and cried, lashing her wings against the steel chassis, bucking and braying, desperate to get free.
Hugh stood up in the tall grass and watched as the terrified creature fought for its life. Her head, captured in a heavy leather bridle, was slowly winched toward the shredding whir of knifed gears. It was almost ironic. Grisly was about to be ingested, pulled apart and shredded, then finally defecated out the back end of the harvester. She was about to share the same fate as the hay her horse half loved so dearly.
Even though this flailing creature was a vicious monster sent to hunt him, Hugh couldn't help but feel sorry for her in her desperate struggle. Without thinking it through, he ran and jumped onto her back, climbing across her withers and pulling himself up her crest.
The primary thresher began to take slices off the tip of her nose. Panicked, she kicked and snorted.
The farmer whooped and hollered, "The Lord's right hand has done mighty things!"
Without a moment to spare, Hugh reached down below her cheek and released the bridle from her head. She recoiled out of the mouth of the harvester, throwing Hugh off her back. She hovered above the farmer, thrusting her wings and snorting black blood from her grated nostrils.
The farmer looked up at the angry beast, as her wings shuttered out the sun. He trembled under his breath, "Son of a b—"
With a roar, Grisly streaked bolts of lightning from her hooves into the harvester, arcing and fusing all of its parts.
The farmer slumped, smoldering, against the steering wheel. He would live, but the destruction of the leased machine would mean the loss of his farm and his good standing in the community.
Grisly circled the field and landed next to Leroy, who lay unconscious in the grass. She brayed at Morton, who beat a hasty retreat, then she gently nudged Leroy with her bloodied nose. She let out a whimper. Worried, she scraped her front hoof in the dirt and kept vigil by his side.
Wedding Rings and Handcuffs
"The rings?" Reverend Lucky asked.
Steve looked to his best man, who quickly searched his pockets. "Oh crap," he said, exposing his hillbilly novelty teeth. "I left them in my other pants."
The Reverend groaned. "There can't be a unity of the spirit essence without the rings. There can't be, it just cannot be done."
Gilda quietly walked over to the best man and whispered, "Go get them, run." He hustled out the back of the church. Gilda looked at the audience and smiled. She gathered the other groomsmen in a huddle, their faces turned from the pews. "Spit ’em out."
"Come on, it's Halloween," one of them was brave enough to retort.
Gilda struck with silent precision, clamping his beanbags between her fingers. She tersely whispered, "It's the day after Halloween and," she clamped harder for emphasis, "it's Lily's special day." They complied, spitting the teeth out and shoving them into hip pockets.
Gilda floated back to her side of the lineup with a practiced smile.
Outside the church, Morton helped Hugh up onto the ledge beneath a stained glass window depicting Jesus on Palm Sunday. "Can you see her?" Morton whispered.
"Almost." Hugh bobbed back and forth between the milky gray glass of a donkey and the flesh-white glass of Christ's foot. "They're taking a break."
"Hang tight, I'm going to try and steal one of these cars." Morton looked at the luxury vehicles parked around the church. "We'll hit the road, drive like hell."
"We can't outrun them, sooner or later they'll get me." Hugh squinted through Christ's purple robe; Lily had her back to the window. If only he could see her face.
"Yeah, but at least we can give those bastards a run for their money. Who knows, maybe we can stop at a sporting goods store and get some weapons. See how those reapers like a couple rounds of buckshot to the face." Morton spit and wandered off between the parked cars, pulling on their door handles.
Finally, Lily turned. Hugh quickly shifted his squinted eye to Christ's foot and took in her perfect face. He worked extra hard to etch the image of her into the deepest part of his memory. Her graceful nape, soft hair, supple lips. Her gentle eyes that he had so often ...
"No way!" The best man had discovered Hugh on the ledge.
"Whoa, wait, I was just looking." Hugh scurried away but the best man grabbed his ankle chains and reeled him in.
"You're not so tough without your gun, are you, buddy?" He dragged Hugh up the front stairs of the church and through the doors.
"Hey, Steve, look what I found." The room turned and gasped as the best man shoved Hugh down the aisle of the church.
Lily stopped breathing. "You finally came."
It was him, he had finally shown up at the church on her wedding day. It's not a dream, she thought, nodding, it's a dream come true. She waited and waited and he finally came. She didn't know how to rationalize it, she'd save that for her therapist friend. She just knew that she had wished for this from the moment she was jilted at the altar. The church doors would open and Hugh would walk down the aisle. She had closed her eyes and squeezed that wish so hard. Somehow, it had come true and even though it was insane, it somehow made her happy.
"I'm sorry, Lil," Hugh stuttered. "I tried to go."
"It's okay." She smiled.
"You look beautiful."
She started to cry.
"Really?!?" Gilda blurted. "Now this? No, absolutely not. Nope, I'm not having it. Would somebody please be so kind as to remove the zombie ghost from the wedding."
The groomsmen grabbed Hugh and began dragging him out. He didn't fight, he just strained his broken neck to get a last look at her. He inflated his skin bag just a little bit more with a loving breath.
Lily tried to follow but Steve grabbed her, holding her tight. "Come on, Lil, don't embarrass me in front of all these people," he whispered, and he pecked her on the forehead.
"When they throw me down the vent you'll forget everything about me. You'll forget I existed." Hugh's voice stretched to reach her.
"No I won't, I'll never forget you." Lily wrestled with Steve.
"No, it's okay," Hugh yelled. "I want you to forget me, so you can be free, so you can love somebody again as much as I loved you."
"I can't," she yelled.
"Please, Lily, for me. Even if it's this guy, who is totally crazy, please ... love somebody again."
Steve huffed, "Calling the groom crazy at his wedding, real classy, buddy. I'm not that crazy!"
"Hugh!" Lily broke away from Steve, her heart about to burst. She reached for him. "I ..."
A darkness descended outside the front doors of the church and the bray of a bloodthirsty pegasus hushed the church’s congregants quiet in trembling terror.
With a thundering crash, the front doors splintered and the armored head of Chuck's pegasus thrust into the church and trumpeted a roar. The wedding guests scurried for the exits but stopped with a scream. Through the stained glass windows the silhouettes of twenty-five, maybe fifty reapers circled the church. The guests retreated to the pews, whispering desperate prayers and cowering.
Chuck ducked down as he slowly rode his pegasus through the door. They made a slow, steady march down the aisle, the creak of oiled leather interrupted by bursts of scalding smoke jetting from the nostrils of the pegasus.
An old man grabbed his chest in pain. Chuck pulled back on the reins. "Whoa." His pegasus came to an agitated halt. He watched as the old man wheezed, loosening his tie, gasping for air. He unsheathed his sickle with his remaining hand and slowly taunted the old man with it. "Not yet, old timer." He gave his ride a little kick and she continued her march.
Chuck looked back at the old man with a nod. "But soon, very soon." He turned and focused on Hugh, his eyes swelling with evil glee. "You've got a date with the horrible vent, my friend." He pointed the sickle at Hugh and continued his march.
Lily broke out of her frozen shock. "Run, Hugh, run!"
Hugh jumped from his spot but came lurching back. His wrist chains had been secretly handcuffed to a railing.
Steve nodded to his dad. "You're right, those things are totally handy."
George gave him the thumbs-up and pulled open his coat to show several pairs of handcuffs holstered to his belt. "I was going to bring a gun, but you know who," he gestured to his wife, "wouldn't let me. Hey, Carol, don't you wish I had a gun or two right about now?"
Hugh tugged at the chains. It was no use. He was a goner.
Chuck raised his sickle, ready to swipe, when suddenly Reverend Lucky blocked his advance. Arms outstretched, his sleeves shimmering purple, he raised a Native American spirit willow in one hand, a Nepalese prayer dagger in the other. "This is a house of spiritual peace. I command you to ..."
The pegasus bared her fangs and hissed, the translucent tangle of sabers an inch from the Reverend's face. He slowly backed away and gathered up his robe so he could run. "If anyone wants me I'll be in the rectory." He tucked tail and beat a hasty retreat.
"Fetch, girl, fetch," Chuck commanded his pegasus, who snapped her jaws down on the back of Hugh's collar. He went limp; it was time for him to finally give up. He met Lily's eyes with a shrug of his shoulders and a sigh. She mouthed the words, I love you.
Chuck swiped with his sickle, cutting the handcuff chain with a spark. "Hee-yeah!" He kicked his spurs into his mount and she thundered up the aisle, crashing up through the cascaded flowers and leaping through the giant stained glass window above the altar. The colored glass smashed and showered down on the wedding party.
The pegasus took to the air with Hugh in her fangs. The congregation watched through the gaping hole as the swarm of reapers fell in behind Chuck and flew off into the horizon.
"Wow, that was crazy." Steve smiled. He held his hand out to Lily. "I'm glad that's over. Come on, let's get this over with."
Lily gazed out the hole at the fading sight of Hugh, hanging lifeless from the pegasus’s jaw. Then she looked at her hand, at the giant diamond, bigger than a peanut M&M and prone to snagging on anything and everything. She slid it off and handed it to Steve. "I'm sorry ... I love somebody else."
"Come on, you can't be serious. He's dead, gone, worm food city," Steve whined.
Gilda got up in Lily's face, almost slapping her. "Are you insane? Listen, Lil, I know the perfect wedding is a bust but the rings are ready to go." She turned and yelled at the bridesmaids, "Somebody get that Reverend back in here." She stroked Lily's shoulders. "I'm sure that after a few cocktails at the reception everyone will forget all this, then it's smooth sailing. Husband, house, babies ..."
Lily broke away and turned to the congregation. "I know it's crazy, but I just can't seem to fall out of love with my dead fiancé." She walked back down the aisle with half a smile and turned back just before she reached the jagged hole that used to be the church's front doors. "Thanks for coming." She walked out, leaving everyone in the church stunned.
Steve slumped in a fit. "Aw man, this blows." He looked at the ring and then over at the bridal party. "Any of you want to get married?"
Gilda jumped, reaching for the ring. "I do!"
Across the church, the florist stood up. She had changed into a skintight sleeveless black dress and four-inch pumps that easily could have doubled as stripper shoes. "I do!" She gave Steve a coy wink.
George looked her up and down from the pulpit and nodded. Wetting his finger, he pointed to her with a touch and a sizzle.
Gilda was outraged. "She's not a guest, she's the florist! She's staff! Ineligible!" She slapped her right hand to the top of her head. "Ineligible receiver!" Grabbing Steve, Gilda got in close to him, looking up into his heavenly blue eyes. "I will be the perfect wife to you, we can do whatever you want whenever you want, or if you don't want me around I can keep myself busy with hobbies, and I promise my weight will not fluctuate more than three percent from what it is presently."
Steve shook her loose and turned his back to her. "Give me a sec."
The florist scooped up the bridal bouquet and sauntered toward the front of the church. Gilda met her with a growl and they played tug-o-war with the flowers. Once again the core and arm strength of the florist was a factor, she flexed her pipes and easily wrested the bouquet from Gilda.
Steve turned. "How do you two feel about secrets being the foundation of a good marriage?"
"Sounds right," Gilda said, nodding.
For a moment Steve entertained a thought and he kicked himself for not thinking of it sooner. Why was he limiting himself to one wife? Two or three or even five wives could crank out the kids in a fraction of the time. He looked out in the pews and did a quick social calculation. Best to do this one legit and keep the subsequent marriages under the radar.
Reverend Lucky walked back up to the altar. "Am I to understand there will be a bride substitution?"
Steve nodded. "Yeah, just cut to the I dos."
"Who's the new bride?" the Reverend asked.
Steve nonchalantly gestured over his shoulder. "That one."
"He gestured toward me!" Gilda shoved the florist hard and wrenched the bouquet from her. "He gestured to me." She stood next to Steve with a frantic nod and an elated smile. "It's my day, it's my special day. Can we please have the nonessential staff cleared from the room." She turned and shooed the florist away with her hand.
"Alrighty then." The Reverend flipped to the last page of his notes. "The drive-by version. Do you two want to get married?"
"Yes!" Gilda blurted.
The Reverend looked to Steve, who raised his shoulders and looked over at Gilda. "Are you fertile?"
"You have no idea how fertile I am. You could get me pregnant by just blowing on me."
"So, what's it going to be?" the Reverend asked Steve.
"Yeah, sure, why not." Steve nodded.
"By the power vested in me by www.e-church.com, I now proclaim to the spirits of love that these souls are one in joyful togetherness and ..."
"Just say man and wife," Gilda hissed.
"Man and wife."
Gilda grabbed the microphone from the Reverend. "Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Doctor and Missus Steve Moore. I may now kiss the doctor husband." She dropped the mic with a thud and grabbed Steve by his hair. Kissing him she almost took a bite out of his lips. "Boo-yah!" She yelled and then looked around. "Now where's that engagement ring? It fits, trust me, I tried it on every time Lily took a shower."
Outside the church, across a rolling field of grass and through an iron gate, Lily quietly walked up to Hugh's gravestone. She ran her fingers in the crevices of his name.
Morton walked up behind her. "Did they get him?"
Lily nodded.
"Then it's really over." Morton deflated. "He was wrong, wrong about love."
"What do you mean?"
"He thought love would conquer all."
"Conquer?" Lily tilted her head.
"He thought love could conquer death, that if you loved him he could come back to life."
"But I do love him, I do."
Morton shrugged his shoulders and rested his hand on Hugh's stone. "I guess it doesn't matter now. He's back there," Morton motioned to the dark corner of the cemetery, "back being dead."
Lily looked down into the tangle of thickets. The fog still hung in the hollows.
Down Down Down
Hugh was marched at sickle point down the Avenue of the Damned. The street was lined with solemn faces wrenched in disappointment and despair. Any tiny spark of hope they had for love and life was forever trampled by Hugh's tragic footslog.
His chains rattled along the dusty pavers, his head swung back and forth around his broken neck. His broken bones ratcheted and crunched against each other as he was forced forward toward the horrible vent.
Onlookers whispered, “Look what they did to him in the Land of the Living. It's so sad, it's so horribly sad.”
Ms. Swindon bent a mirror around and watched through a window as Hugh was marched past the Ministry of Life Accountancy. She shook her head and chewed, "Idiot. I told him he was making a big mistake." Missy sat at her desk, her lower lip quivering, and then she buried her head in her hands and heaved with sobs, racking sobs that convulsed her body and caused a seam on her seat cushion to split. The rush of highly compressed air flapped out the rupture and made a noise that usually only came out of a living person who was having trouble digesting something.
Patrick broke through the crowd and came to Hugh's side. Almost too distraught to speak, his posture was deflated in sorrow. "I don't know what to say. I didn't think I could possibly feel worse about this death, and now I have to feel bad for you? Think about you forever falling down the horrible vent? It's too much, I ..." He buried his head in his hands and sobbed.
Ahead in the processional, Crain looked back at the teetering Hugh, then at the glum faces of the crowd. He leaned into Jerry with a grin. "They're miserable, hopeless and heartbroken. Their pain will sour to anger and I will harness their wrath to start the war."
Up ahead, spires of smoke rocketed up from the horrible vent. Crain's eyes went wide with gleeful anticipation.
Ana walked alongside Hugh. She didn't know what to say, so she kept her mouth shut, biting her lower lip as she fought back the tears.
"You were right,” Hugh said, “I shouldn't have gone. There is no such thing as true love."
