Made For Us, page 12
“Yes, I was on Linessa,” I tell her of the birth control, “and I get my period usually every two to three months, depending. I was on Zithromax before I went on vacation, and when they say it takes one time.” I hold up my hand with my finger pointed up. “They were not kidding.” I try to calm my heartbeat down so when she takes my blood pressure it won’t be high. I blink away the tears that are stinging my eyes
“It says the date of conception was July seventh.” I nod, the nerves from my stomach now moving to my throat. “No allergies.”
“None that I’m aware of,” I tell her, and she smiles at me.
“Your due date is going to be…” she starts telling me, and I can’t help but smile.
“March thirtieth,” I declare.
“You are fifteen weeks,” she informs me, and my hand goes on my little baby bump. She stands up, looking at me. “The doctor will be right in.”
“Thank you,” I tell her as I sit on the exam table. I take a deep breath in as I try not to shed a tear. The last month has been a roller coaster of emotions for not only me but the family. After getting not two but a total of twenty-seven positive tests, I finally called someone who got me into the doctor. I had my blood drawn, and they confirmed I was pregnant. I wish I could say it was an easy time, but it was not.
I have never felt more alone in my whole life, even though I had Gabriella beside me throughout the whole thing. I felt like I was missing the biggest piece, and that was Tristan. I must have picked up the phone seven times a day to call him and tell him. I must have pulled up his number to text him over a thousand times, but each time, I chickened out. I couldn’t do this to him. He already regretted the night we spent together. The last thing I wanted him to do was resent the baby we created. I don’t think my heart could have survived if he told me that he didn’t want me to have it. I wanted to remember our night as the best night I’ve ever had and this was a gift. So I took the coward’s way out and kept it my secret.
Breaking it to my family, well, that was another adventure. My parents handled it well or as well as you could think they would. Dylan, on the other hand, was planning the wedding until I told him that I didn’t know who the father was. Of course, I don’t think anyone believed me. I said he was a random hookup, and we never exchanged names. My uncle Matthew came to see me with my uncle Max. I should have known them coming to see me was a clue that something was coming.
They showed up with a man who was holding a leather briefcase. I sat down next to them as they explained this man was going to draw a picture of the man I spent the night with, and then we’d put it up on social media. Like a wanted photo. They even thought about doing a billboard in Times Square and running an ad in the local papers. What surprised me even more was that Michael and Dylan thought it was the best idea ever invented.
The door opens, and my doctor comes in smiling. “Hello, you.”
“Hi, Dr. Emmy.” I greet her as she comes over and kisses me on both cheeks. We’ve worked together a couple of times.
“You look fabulous,” she compliments me, going over and sitting down on the small chair. “How are we feeling?”
“Um,” I start to say, “so far, so good. I feel less tired, which is great. I only need to take one nap during my night shift.” I hold up my hands in celebration. “Nausea isn’t too bad as long as I snack. During meals, that’s another thing, so I always have a snack around me.” I smile. “The staff has even started to add to my basket that I keep under the nurses’ desk.” She laughs, clapping her hands. “I’m also super emotional.” I blink away the tears. “Especially this past month.” I don’t tell her that it’s probably because I know he’s back in town. I see him every time I turn on the television. Okay, fine, I only turn the television on when the pre-games are on, but still.
“It’s normal,” she tells me. “Lie back.”
I turn and lie back on the table, pulling up the top of my scrubs. “This is my favorite time,” I tell her, and she just smiles at me. I’ve had one ultrasound before this one, and that was at ten weeks when I first saw her. Usually, they wait until you are twelve weeks to see you, but I saw her when she came to follow up with a patient and heard the news I was expecting. She dragged me down to her office, which was two floors down, and showed me my little nugget.
“This time, we don’t have to do it internally,” she explains, walking over and shutting off the lights and then coming back to me. “Lower the top of your pants.” I untie the string of my scrubs and lower it under the little baby bump that has just started to show. She squeezes the gel on my belly, and then the magic happens. I look over at the screen, and I see my baby, who actually looks like a baby now. Before, it looked like a blob with four limbs. The baby looks like it’s doing summersaults, yet I don’t feel anything. She clicks a couple of things. “We have an active one,” she tells me, and all I can do is smile as the tear escapes the corner of my eye, my hand coming up to wipe it away. “Big baby,” she states, and I just look at her, my eyes going wide, “I think I can see what sex it is. Do you still not want to know?”
“No.” I shake my head, “I don’t really care as long as there is only one and the one is healthy.” She laughs as she wipes my stomach off before turning on the lights.
“There is only one, and they are perfect,” she confirms, and I get up smiling as she hands me four pictures from the machine. “Baby book material.”
“Thank you,” I say, looking down at my baby and getting up. “I’ll make an appointment later for next month.”
“Just text me, and I’ll get you in,” she tells me, and I nod at her. “See you later,” she says before she walks out, leaving me alone.
I take out my phone and take a picture of the baby, sending it to the family group chat.
Baby nugget is growing.
I press send, and my phone clicks right away.
Christopher:
They have your big old head.
Gabriella:
Did you rip Mom’s vagina with your head?
Christopher:
Can you never put me and Mom’s vagina in the same sentence again in my life?
Gabriella:
Why do you take things so sexual?
Alex:
I’m in love already, but why do you guys keep adding me to this chat?
I can’t help but laugh, and I’m about to answer her when my phone rings, and I see it’s Dylan. I answer right away. “Hey, big brother.” I walk out of the office and head toward the stairs.
“How is my nephew?” he asks, and I laugh and roll my eyes at the same time.
“It could be a girl,” I remind him, just like I do every time he says it’s a boy. I really hope it’s a girl just so I can say I told you so, but I think it’s a boy also.
“Nah,” he says, “you’re pretty.”
“What the hell does that mean?” I retort as I walk up the stairs to my floor.
“Apparently, if you are having a girl, you turn less pretty,” he explains, and I put my head back and hold my nose, shaking my head. “Because she is taking the beauty from you.”
“Who told you that?” I gasp.
“Uncle—” I stop him midsentence.
“Never ever repeat anything that either of them says. You know this,” I scold as I pull the door open to my floor. “Actually, can you tell that to Mom when you see her next?” He laughs. “Or better yet, Alex. I think you should tell Alex.”
“Are you out of your mind? I don’t want to die,” he huffs, and I can’t help but chuckle. “Anyway, you coming to the game tomorrow?” I stop mid-step.
“I don’t know. I’m just getting off shift.”
“You have to come. It’s season opener,” he says. I know eventually, I’m going to have to go to the game, or they will ask more questions, and I don’t want to answer any of them.
“Yeah, I’ll come with Gabriella,” I confirm, “try not to fuck up.”
“I love your child. I don’t like you,” he teases as he hangs up on me. I grab my bag from my locker. That night, all I do is lie on the couch and eat.
“How do I look?” I ask Gabriella when I step out of my bedroom in jeans and a Dallas sweater. Apart from my little baby bump, my tits have grown more than anything. I mean, I can’t complain. They are great.
“Like you fucked Tristan and are pregnant with his child,” she fires back, smirking at me and walking toward the door because our ride is here.
“I do not look like that at all,” I huff as I grab my phone and put it in my back pocket. I grab my crossbody purse and walk out to the waiting car. We get to the arena and make our way up to the family lodges. Every second I’m in the building, my heart beat echoes in my ears louder and louder.
I pretend I’m okay as I kiss everyone hello, and they ask me how I’m doing. I pretend I’m okay, but I’m not. I feel like my skin is going to fall off me. I’m going to stay a bit, take a picture or two to have evidence I was here, and then I’m ducking the fuck out of here. I’m about to tell Gabriella of my plan when I hear my name being called. “Abigail.”
I turn and spot Penelope walking into the box with Erika behind her. She comes to me and hugs me around my waist, and I can’t help but smile and hug her. “Did you grow?” I ask her as I kiss her head and put my cheek on the top of her head. “You got so big.”
She lets go of me. “Will you come to the glass with me?” she asks when she hears cheering, and we know the guys are on the ice. I try to make an excuse, but she puts her hand in mine as we walk down toward the boards where the other kids are. All the kids are wearing their fathers’ jerseys. Penelope wears Tristan’s as she stands by the boards with the other kids, slapping the glass.
I have been training for the past two months for this moment, right here. I told myself I would pretend I was okay. I told myself I would treat him just as I had been before that night. I told myself all these things, but everything is out the window when I see him skating toward the glass. He slams into the glass and smiles at the kids as they yell, and then it happens. It’s like I’m standing in the middle of the train track with the train coming full force at me, and I’m not moving. His eyes find mine, and it’s like he’s in shock when he sees me. It lasts one second, or maybe it’s even less, before he skates off.
I swallow down the lump and turn to see Erika. “Can you take Penelope back up?” She looks at me, worried.
“Are you okay?” she asks, and I blink the tears, but one escapes.
“Yeah, just too much seeing the kids with their dads.” I play it off, and she gives me a hug. “I’m going to head out. Can you tell them?” She nods her head at me as I turn and walk out of the arena, leaving my whole heart behind.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
TRISTAN
I knew this moment would be coming. I was bracing for it. I have been preparing for this moment like a soldier prepares for going to battle in the war. But I’m sure, like most soldiers, I was not ready. Looking up and seeing her there shocked me. I couldn’t look at her long without my chest feeling like an elephant decided it would be a nice spot to sit. I quickly turned around and skated off the ice. My heart in my throat, beating so erratically, I almost went to Chase and told him I was probably having a heart attack.
But instead, I just went to sit in my spot in the locker room, my head hanging forward as I replayed that conversation I had with Dylan a month ago when he told me she was pregnant. I tried not to show how affected I was.
“What do you mean she’s pregnant?” I blurted out. My mouth had gone so dry it was as if fifteen cotton balls were stuck there.
“I think it’s self-explanatory. She is with child.” Michael laughed at my questions, and it made everyone chuckle.
“We don’t even know the guy,” Dylan hissed, and I think at that point, I had raised my hand to massage my chest. I can’t explain how my heart shattered in my chest. All I know is I looked down and expected to see my shirt soaked with blood. It was at this point I got up and walked out of the room, not sure I wanted to hear what else was said.
“Hey,” Xavier says, coming back into the room huffing as he takes off his gloves and grabs a bottle of water. “Penelope was looking for you.”
“Yeah, had to use the bathroom,” I tell him, and he just nods as the rest of the guys start filling in the room.
It’s the season opener, which means the home crowd is usually the loudest. There are all sorts of activities outside and even inside. “Okay, we have to line up,” Cooper says, getting up. “Let’s make the crowd happy tonight.”
We all get up, making our way out to the hallway and down to where we are going to walk out. The team is going to be announced to everyone by number. I line up, and I know that whatever I have going on inside now has to be shut off. I have to get in the zone. I focus my eyes forward as the coaching staff is announced. I bounce on one foot and then another as the team is announced. Slowly, we make our way down the line until I’m standing at the door. The arena is in the darkness, only the spotlight following whoever is being announced from the door to the middle of the ice. The crowd goes nuts with every single person. I hear the announcer say my number, and I know they are playing some highlights of me from last year on the Jumbotron.
When he says my name, I walk down toward the entrance and slide onto the ice, holding up my hand to say hello to twenty thousand people. The sound of cheering and clapping is almost deafening as I stop in the middle of the ice, making sure to turn around to greet everyone before I skate back to the bench.
I sit on the bench until the rest of the team is announced. The minute the national anthem has been sung, I close off my mind. It’s the only time I do, and for these two hours, I focus on one thing and one thing only. Making sure we don’t lose our season opener because nothing sucks more in life than losing at home, especially big games.
We squeak out a win by the skin of our teeth, and when I finally walk back to the locker room, there is a huge after-party celebration, but I’ve opted out of going. Instead, I dress back into my suit, omitting the tie, as I walk up to the lodges where I know Penelope waits for me.
I open the door of the lodge, and my heart now speeds up tenfold, knowing she might be here, knowing I can’t keep avoiding her. I have to make peace that we will only have that one night. The sound of adults chattering fills the room as I look around and see Penelope sitting on the couch with her iPad in her lap. Usually, I get the babysitter to bring her to the game, but Erika volunteered to bring her tonight since she was coming with all the kids.
“Hey,” I greet, and Penelope sees me and gets up, running to me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I bend down and kiss her head, and she looks up at me. She literally makes everything better for me.
“You did good,” she praises me, making me laugh as I nod. “Uncle Matthew said you could have scored at least four times if you shot the puck.” From when I introduced her to him, he always called himself Uncle Matthew, so she’s always called him that. Everyone else was jealous that he was Uncle Matthew, so they started throwing Uncle in front of their names too. They really have taken both of us in and have always treated us like family.
“Really?” I say, looking up at Matthew, who now throws his head back and laughs.
“I don’t think I said that exactly.” He walks over and holds out his hand to shake mine. “You played a good game.” I chuckle. “How’s the leg?” In the third period, with two minutes to go, the other team pulled their goalie, making it six on five. They were all over us, and we had a one-goal lead when their defensemen got the puck and shot a one-timer. I deflected the shot off my leg.
“Probably going to have a big bruise,” I tell him, omitting the fact it hurt like a motherfucker. “Ready to go home?” I look back at Penelope, who just nods her head before going to get her backpack.
She comes back and goes to hug Matthew. “Bye, Uncle Matthew.” She gives him a side hug.
“We’ll see you tomorrow at lunch?” he says, and the word no gets lodged in my throat.
“Yes,” Penelope says, and I don’t say anything. I just smile, not wanting to get into anything here. Besides, I’m fucking beat.
We walk out of the lodge and back down to the car. We get in, and when I drive out, the streets are still busy with people.
“Did you have fun tonight?” I ask her, looking into the rearview mirror to see her.
“Yeah,” she says, “Uncle Dylan threw me a puck to add to my collection.” She started collecting all the pucks she catches at the games and then makes whoever throws it to her sign it.
“Did you see Abigail?” The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. But I’m jealous my daughter got to see her, and I didn’t. How crazy is that?
“Yeah, only for a bit,” she replies.
“Was she with her boyfriend?” I want to bite my tongue. When the talk about Abigail comes up in the room, I always get up and walk away. There is only so much I can take. Actually, there is only so much my heart can take.
“No,” she says. “We have to study for my spelling test tomorrow.” She changes the subject, and all I do is nod at her.
When we get home, she’s already half asleep by the time she walks up the steps. I go into my bedroom to undress, taking off my suit and tossing it in the dry-cleaning pile before slipping on shorts. When I make it back to Penelope’s room, she is already in bed and sleeping. I lean down and kiss her head. “Night, baby girl.” She doesn’t even grumble.
I usually go and have something to eat after the games, but I’m just not up to it, so instead, I slide into bed. Lying here in the dark, my head goes around and around as I try not to think of the one person I want to think about. I expected it to be hard to see her, but I wasn’t expecting to feel physical pain.
I turn on my side, and before I know it, I’m asleep. I wake when I hear plates clinking from downstairs. Turning over and grabbing the phone, I see it’s almost ten. Tossing the covers back, I go to the bathroom before I walk downstairs, where I find her in the kitchen making something to eat.
