Summer of My Amazing Luck, page 1
ALSO BY MIRIAM TOEWS
All My Puny Sorrows
A Boy of Good Breeding
A Complicated Kindness
The Flying Troutmans
Irma Voth
Swing Low: A Life
Women Talking
Summer of My Amazing Luck
Copyright © 2006 by Miriam Toews
First Published in Canada in 1996 by Turnstone Press; Revised edition published in 2006 by Vintage Canada, a division of Random House of Canada Limited.
First Counterpoint paperback edition: 2006
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events is unintended and entirely coincidental.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Toews, Miriam, 1964– author.
Title: Summer of my amazing luck : a novel / Miriam Toews.
Description: Berkeley, CA : Counterpoint, [2019] | First edition in Canada in 1996 by Turnstone Press.
Identifiers: LCCN 2018047452 | ISBN 9781640091856
Classification: LCC PR9199.3.T6113 S86 2019 | DDC 813/.54—dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2018047452
Cover design by Sarah Brody
COUNTERPOINT
2560 Ninth Street, Suite 318
Berkeley, CA 94710
www.counterpointpress.com
Printed in the United States of America
Distributed by Publishers Group West
13579108642
Dedicated with love and gratitude to my mother, Elvira Toews
Contents
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
one
Lish had been a lifer even before the trouble started with Serenity Place. She had four daughters, two of them with the same guy and the other two, twins, with a carefree street performer who had fallen in love with Lish’s hands. Perfect for balls, he’d said, juggling them that is. Now jugglers never make cracks about balls, Lish informed me, they just don’t. Lish knew a lot about the theatre, about working a room, drawing a crowd, about blocking and leading, about the superstitions of theatre people. She had always loved the stage. Or the street, or wherever it is that people perform. She had met the juggler in the hospitality suite of the hotel at which all the performers were staying. Volunteering, for Lish, was a good way to meet theatre people without violating welfare rules, and it was a nice break from the kids. This street performer, absent father of the twins, said he loved Lish and suggested that she join him on the road. He could teach her to eat fire, juggle knives, walk on stilts. He showed her a newspaper clipping of himself from The Miami Herald and the headline was “Magic, Music and Tomfoolery,” and then there was a photo of him breaking a chain with his chest.
Just like Zampano in “La Strada,” he’d said. Lish was giddy with the proposition and the free booze of the hospitality suite, and so she agreed to join him on the road, on the condition that she could bring her daughters, numbering two at the time. “Not a problem, not a problem,” he said, “they’ll bring in more cash,” and then he made a red handkerchief disappear up Lish’s nose. And, of course, reappear. Something he himself had failed to do after impregnating Lish in his hotel room that night, while her long beautiful hands caressed his oily back and the hot summer night got hotter. Lish found him irresistible with his sad eyes and his world-weary bearing and silly jokes that in and of themselves weren’t funny at all, but when he said them seemed, at least to Lish, to define comedy. And Lish loved to laugh. What was funniest though to Lish was his utter seriousness about sex.
He didn’t say a word or crack a smile throughout, and Lish had to pretend that a snort of laughter she let escape while he focussed in on the homestretch was really an uncontrollable gasp of pleasure. She had hoped he’d think it was her unusual way of expressing herself while in the throes of passion. Snorting. But she wasn’t sure. In any case, it didn’t matter. The next morning while Lish slept sated and pregnant with not one but two of the busker’s babies, he made himself, along with Lish’s cotton purse, disappear for good. Lish said he had left a note that said “Catcha on the flip side.” Can you believe it? Lish said his juggling was much better than his writing.
For a while Lish wondered if her snorting had made him leave, but really she knew that it hadn’t been her, it had been the road, and there was nothing she or anyone else could do about it. Some people were just like that. All the road had to do was look up at them and they were gone. Poof. And so it was with the father of her twins. She wished she had found out what his name was, but hey . . . Lish was the kind of person who enjoyed telling this tale to people. It was romantic, reckless. And if the twins asked about their dad, she could build him up for them, make him a hero, a rogue, a poet, a jester. Once I pointed out to Lish that the twins might like more details, some fleshing out of the story, maybe an address or a present on their birthday, a postcard. Lish said, “Maybe. Maybe not.”
I know that Lish still kept a big silver spoon room service had brought up to the hotel room the night she and the busker got together, and the twins, when they were old enough, took turns using it to scoop the natural chunky peanut butter Lish bought at a health food co-op. They’d say, “It’s my turn to use Dad’s spoon.” And Lish would smile and hand it over. Who knew what she was thinking. The older girls had a dad they saw fairly regularly and for a while were willing to let the twins use him as theirs, too. But the twins didn’t want him. They were happy enough with their own.
I should tell you right now how I got to where I am: single mother on the dole, public housing, all that. It wasn’t a goal of mine, certainly. As a child I never once dreamed, “I will be a poor mother.” I had fully intended to be a forest ranger. Now I realize there just isn’t enough human contact in that field for me. But then, look where human contact got me. They said I hadn’t grieved properly over my mother’s death. That was the reason I became promiscuous, they said. They said I snuck out of my bedroom window every night because I needed to forget. I needed to forget, they said, because I couldn’t bear the sadness of remembering. That’s what they meant by grieving properly: remembering. Remembering everything and reacting to it and releasing it. There was more to it, but I can’t remember what it was, ha ha. So I’m not proud of it or anything, but it happened. And it’s how I got to where I am. Half-a-Life Housing. Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada, city with the most hours of sunshine per year (that’s another thing they say).
Somewhere along the line I became pregnant. With Dill, my son who is now nine months old. His full name is Dillinger. I don’t know who his father is. Like Lish says, if you eat a whole can of beans, how do you know which one made you fart? I don’t think it’s the caretaker at my dad’s church, because Dill’s hands are very big. Those huge hands were the first thing I noticed about Dill. The caretaker, on the other hand, had very small hands. I remember, because after we’d had sex leaning up against the pulpit, he wandered over to the organ and started playing “Midnight Special.” I lay on top of the organ, naked as a cherub, and I remember peering down at the caretaker’s hands as he played. They were small and cupped and soft like a baby’s. So I’m quite sure he’s not Dill’s father. And, to tell you the truth, there were eight or nine other guys I was with at the time Dill was conceived, and most of them have faded from my memory. If I ever did know their names, I’ve just about forgotten them. At least I’ve tried to. And all this because I didn’t grieve properly.
The first time I saw Lish, I thought she was insane. In fact, I thought she was a baby snatcher. I had left Dill sitting on the grass in front of Half-a-Life just for a second while I paid the cab. It wasn’t really called Half-a-Life, it was called Have-a-Life Housing, like Have a chocolate, or a pretzel, but nobody called it that. Lish told me later that the Public Housing Authority people had considered all sorts of names before deciding on Have-a-Life. They tried Seek-a-Life, but it sounded too Buddhist or something, and Take-a-Life, but it sounded like a home for murderers. They couldn’t call it Get-a-Life, ’cause it sounded rude, or Dial-a-Life, ’cause it was already taken. So they settled for Have-a-Life, which became Half-a-Life, and sometimes Have-a-Light? or Have-a-Laugh or Half-a-Loaf Housing. Anyway, it was the day Dill and I moved in and everything we owned could more or less fit into the trunk and the back seat of the cab. When I turned around I saw Lish picking Dill up and smiling at him and talking to him. I screamed at her to put him down and ran over to where they were. She was wearing a black t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, a purple gauzy skirt, Birkenstocks with socks, and a black beret with a big silver spider brooch stuck on the front of it. She said she was sorry and tried to explain, but I just grabbed Dill and walked away: I’d heard about crazy women who couldn’t have babies of their own so the y kidnapped somebody else’s. Or they’d walk up and down sidewalks with empty strollers, cooing to imaginary babies and buying big packages of diapers for nobody. Back then I was extremely protective of Dill. Kind of paranoid, I guess. He was all I had. Or then again my constant worrying might have been a result of my improper grieving. Who knows. I found out that Lish actually lived in Half-a-Life, too, and had four kids of her own and wasn’t interested in having mine.
The next day I was sitting on the floor in my apartment, playing with Dill and taking stock of my material possessions: one single mattress with no wooden frame, one cassette player held together with gaffer tape, one crib, one toaster, one stroller with a wheel that kept falling off, two wooden crates which could be used as table, chair, storage, whatever they were needed for at the moment, various posters, which struck me as childish and out of place in my new home, a few dishes and utensils, one pot, and some toys and clothes, mine and Dill’s. I sat on the linoleum floor and decided that I could use area tugs, some plants, and a real table and chairs. And Dill’s room could use some bright colours. Maybe paint. The door bell rang. I answered it and guess who? Lish. Wearing the same black hat and spider, the same socks and sandals, and gauzy skirt. She was wearing a t-shirt that had a picture of a giant mosquito and underneath, it read “Blood Lust.” She had the twins with her. They looked like they were about four years old.
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
I was not prepared for this conversation.
“Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. I . . .”
“Don’t worry about it. I know what you were thinking. You shouldn’t apologize for wanting to protect your kid. Our mostnoble gestures as mothers are the ones most ridiculed. My name is Lish and these are my daughters, two of them that is, Alba and Letitia.”
“My name is Lucy.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
Thank god for tactless kids. Lish and I would still be standing at my door grinning at each other if it weren’t for the twins marching right in and saying hello to Dill, who was slithering around on the floor, pushing himself backwards toward the sound of our voices in the hall. For the next hour or so the twins passed Dill back and forth and played peekaboo with him, and Lish and I drank coffee and shot the breeze. I was not entirely comfortable with the twins using Dill as a plaything, thinking of his soft spot, but Lish didn’t seem worried and I had the feeling they had done this before. Talking with Lish, I kind of got the feeling we, at Half-a-Life, were one big rollicking, happy, impoverished family. I felt ill at ease and remember thinking Lish was probably the freak of the block and she was thinking I was too new to know it and I’d let her in the door. I also had a strange feeling that I had seen her before, years ago on a city bus, wearing cat eye glasses, a faux leopard fur coat, ripped tights and a head that was half shaved. I remember thinking, as I walked past her on the bus, that she was weird and probably a punk from the suburbs with really strict parents. Now here she was sitting in my empty kitchen with twin girls and Birkenstocks and a full head of hair. God, she had hair. Thick, black, long hair clinging to her back like an oil slick. I could tell her twins were going to have it too one day, and I hated to think of their bathtub drain.
It was during the course of this conversation in my empty kitchen that I found out that the father of the twins was some kind of performer. He ate fire and made things disappear. I told her I didn’t know who Dill’s father was and she smiled and said, “Just as well.” The problem was knowing, she said, because as soon as you knew, you cared, soon as you cared, you lost. As for Dill, she said, now he could create his own dad in his mind and never be let down. Well, that was Lish, I wouldn’t call her a man-hater or anything, she was simply speaking from her own experience. In fact, many weeks later, sometime in June, during the flood, she told me that she would give anything to see the twins’ dad again and laugh in bed and wrap her hairy legs around his hot back and that the twins had a right to meet their father in the flesh and spit in his face. She was full of contradictions. And I believed each one. I wondered if she felt more love for this busker guy because he was gone than she would if he actually did show up. But what did it matter? He was gone. Their only encounter had been in a hotel and he didn’t even know where she actually lived or that he was the father of two playful girls with thick black hair. And that they were the half-sisters of two older girls, more serious but just as hairy. And that they all lived in a public housing co-op in Winnipeg’s inner city. Smack dab in the centre of Winnipeg, which was smack dab in the centre of Canada, which, as a point of interest, was smack dab in the centre of the earth.
Lish and I were single welfare mothers. I was proud to be something finally, to belong to a group of people that had a name and a purpose. It turns out that Lish was considered by most of the people at Half-a-Life to be a freak, but a kind freak and a funny freak as freaks go and, therefore, a good freak. As Joe put it, “Lish is off her nut, but she’s not dangerous or anything.”
I told you she liked the theatre. Joe had probably never heard of the word “eccentric.” Not that she was really. Eccentric. She wasn’t self-absorbed enough to be called eccentric. I’d have to say she was just miscast. Again, it all boiled down to money. Lish could have been a performer herself. Not only on the street but in theatres anywhere, had her lust not interfered with her passion. In the world of theatre she would have been considered normal: flamboyant, zany. In Half-a-Life she was just weird. And four kids, are you kidding? And on her own? A life on stage was not practical for Lish.
Well, Lish might not have been practical, but she knew something of life’s limitations. Besides, if she couldn’t perform for money, she could perform for us at Half-a-Life, and if anybody could use a laugh, it was us. As my mom used to say before she died, “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine.”
Lish’s imitations were the funniest. She imitated her social worker from the dole and bank tellers and her father and just about everybody in a position of authority, however remote. She’d imitate bus drivers and waiters. She didn’t do it with spite, well, not much spite, just dead-on accuracy. Her father, John, for instance: she’d drop her chin to her chest and lower her voice to a booming bass, to say, “Alicia, your mother and I have some concerns about the kids. We think they need a father figure in their lives and uh . . . more . . . uh . . . structure. We feel uh . . . that they are given too many uh . . . freedoms.” Lish informed us that words like freedom, peace, happiness and love all made John nervous, genuinely confused. How he raised a daughter like Lish, I’ll never know.
But you see, even if her kids or any of ours at Half-a-Life had their dads around, would it make any difference? They’d grow up to be themselves eventually like the rest of us. But that didn’t stop us from dreaming of fathers coming home from work with treats and offers to do housework, to take the kids to the park, or read them a story. It didn’t stop us from dreaming of falling asleep with a man and waking up with him, going through the motions of an easy, comfortable routine, Mom, Dad and the kids all playing on the same team. Naturally some of the women in Half-a-Life had spent years with the same guy and it hadn’t worked out, causing a nasty separation and the usual poverty for one thing, but still . . . a smoker dying of lung cancer always dreams of one more perfect cigarette. So, during the days we congratulated each other on our independence, busied ourselves with the kids and odd jobs and other people’s kids and the headaches and general ups and downs of everyday life on the dole. During the days it was easy to forget about men. There were always distractions.
At night, though, we had more time to scrutinize our bodies, which, I might point out, were still fairly young and able to withstand violent contortions and the tough eager enthusiasm men of our age had for sex, or lovemaking, as Lish calls it. I’d never have called it that except that Lish told me it was a good word and I should use it. I would have said boinking or boning, two words Lish hated.
