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Sarah Firth is a comic artist, writer, graphic recorder and animator based in Melbourne. Recently she received a Frankie Magazine Good Stuff Award, was a finalist in the Incinerator Social Change Art Award, and her graphic essay on complexity was listed in The Conversation’s ten best literary comics in Australia. She has a fat stack of self-published comics and work in upcoming anthologies with Abrams Books, Allen & Unwin and Affirm Press. She is currently working on her debut graphic novel thanks to the Creators Fund program.
Kerri Sackville is an author, columnist and social commentator. Her work has appeared in numerous publications, including the Sydney Morning Herald, The Age, SBS Life and news.com.au, and she makes regular appearances on television and radio. Kerri is the author of three books, including Out There: A Survival Guide for Dating in Midlife (Echo, 2018). She lives in Sydney’s eastern suburbs with her three kids and a recalcitrant cat.
Maddeningly Predictable Messages from Men
When you’re a columnist in the internet age, you get a lot of feedback. And I enjoy feedback – at least, I enjoy the positive feedback. As for the negative feedback, well, I’m pragmatic enough to take the bad with the good. After all, no one is to everybody’s taste. No ideas resonate with everyone. I can’t expect to lap up the adulation and then grizzle about the criticism.
But it’s not the criticism that gets to me. It’s what the messages reveal about the people who write them, and the sharp differences between the messages from men and those from women.
I used to write a lot about marriage; now I write extensively about dating and relationships. And – though I write primarily for women, and for women’s websites – men seem to have strong thoughts about my work. Men also seem to have strong thoughts about me.
My feedback from female readers is generally really positive. There is praise (Your book on anxiety changed my life, thank you! Now I know I’m not the only one!), there are personal anecdotes (Just read your article about ghosting. OMG, the guy I was seeing for four months just ghosted me!) and there are occasional requests for advice (I’ve just started dating after a long marriage. Can you recommend the best site for me?)
The messages from men are very different. There are some lovely messages, some straight-out praise and emails of appreciation, and the occasional sharing of stories. But for the most part, they contain an agenda – either hidden or blatant – and are depressingly predictable. Sometimes I wonder if my male readers are working off some kind of playbook; they all fall neatly into one of five categories.
#NotAllMen
Occasionally in a column I will refer to some kind of poor behaviour exhibited by men in dating or relationships. This is incredibly provocative to my sensitive male readers who will immediately message me to explain ‘not all men’. Of course, I’ve never even obliquely claimed that ‘all men’ behave badly. I use phrases like ‘some men’, or ‘many men’, or ‘from time to time’, all of which should indicate to even the least perceptive reader that ‘not all men’.
But despite my best efforts at linguistic clarity, there are some/many men who write to me from time to time to offer their insights. There are good men in the world, they inform me. And these good men, specifically, are them.
Totally agree about what you said about men who don’t ask questions. Those men are a disgrace. Relationships are about listening! It’s very important to me to make sure my partner is heard.
(To summarise: #NotAllMen and #NotMe.)
I read your article yesterday about men being jerks when they’re rejected. Can you believe so many men are so awful? Why do they do that?
(To summarise: I am super horrified, therefore #NotMe.)
These messages seem innocuous enough, but the subtext is toxic. Because these men don’t actually care about structural gender inequality, or toxic masculinity, or rape culture. They are not committed to change or determined to educate other men. They don’t even care whether I know there are good men in the world. They are motivated to write by one desire alone: to be recognised as good guys. They want me to congratulate them on their niceness, as though they deserve praise simply for not being an arsehole.
They are like the toddlers who watch another child whack a baby on the head and yell out gleefully, ‘It wasn’t me!’ without being at all concerned with what happens to the infant.
Sometimes, their lack of care is so startlingly evident that my chest contracts in rage.
Tell me Kerri, please, what can I do to help you bring equality between all people? asks one self-proclaimed good guy in an email. He believes in ‘humanism’, he says. Not feminism.
You can listen, truly listen, to what women are saying, I write back. You can read up about the #MeToo movement. You can ask us what we need instead of imposing your own agenda.
That’s not the way to do it, he responds.
Women Do Bad Things Too!
It is pretty much impossible to reflect on men behaving badly without being passionately informed by male readers that ‘women do bad things too’. It doesn’t matter whether I’m referring to one solitary incident or a pattern of behaviour backed up by research and statistics. It doesn’t matter that violence against women is endemic, or that the gender pay gap is real, or that women do the vast majority of unpaid labour in the home, or that sexual assault is overwhelmingly committed against women by men. It doesn’t matter that my articles are written for women, and that men write plenty of articles of their own.
‘Women do bad things too’, they chant.
Hey Kerri! Loved your column on dysfunctional relationships! But you seem to forget that men can be victims too. So many women are abusive and terrorize their partners. I know one woman who pulled out a chunk of her husband’s hair when he dared to disagree with her!!! You need to remember that many men are victims and many women are abusers.
Yes, yes, I’m sure that he knew someone who knew someone whose auntie’s neighbour pulled a chunk of hair from her husband’s head. That doesn’t debunk all we know about the patriarchy and toxic masculinity. It doesn’t change the fact that women are far more often the victims than the perpetrators of domestic violence. What it does highlight is the desperate refusal of (some) men to acknowledge the systemic disempowerment of women in our society. They prioritise their own righteous indignation above our right to be heard. They shut down our truth to protect themselves.
Just listen, I implored men in an article about #MeToo. Please stop talking about your own feelings about the movement. This is your time to listen, and to learn. This is time to give women a voice. Don’t make it about you.
Your article reminded me of my own experiences talking to many women, one man responds.
I find that women don’t listen when I try to talk about my feelings and needs and wants, writes another. I bring up how I’m feeling about something and they start talking about themselves! I have a need to be heard, too.
It is so wonderfully ironic, it would be funny if it wasn’t so goddamn tragic.
The Mansplain
I often have aspects of my columns explained to me by men. I wouldn’t think much of it, except that I virtually never have aspects of my columns explained to me by women. Mansplaining is a thing, and it is predicated on the notion that men know far more than women, even when the woman is clearly more educated or informed about the topic. Mansplaining relies so little on actual information or knowledge that some men mansplain my columns to me without even reading them.
I saw your article called ‘Choking Miranda’! I recognized the line from Sex and the City because I’ve watched the show. But a lot of your readers probably have never heard of it, and they would think you’re referring to some weird fetish sex thing. Maybe you should clarify?
Yes, well, I used the term deliberately to be provocative, and I’d explained its origins in the body of the article. The dude had clearly only read the headline.
Some male readers are so convinced of their own rightness that they don’t even bother to provide evidence or justification. And they expect me to concede; apparently the force of their male opinion should be strong enough to make me roll over.
Hi Kerri. With all respect, you have the reasons why men call women a slut all wrong. All men know why but I can’t tell you because it exposes something which men won’t tell. I am dying to tell you but I can’t. Sorry I can’t tell you any more, but know you got it wrong.
I believe him, of course. He’s a man. He must be right.
Can’t help noticing how nearly all the writing about relationships is done by women! We men should probably write some too but we’re all just too busy!
This last one wasn’t strictly a mansplain, but it has all the hallmark condescension. Men are ‘just too busy to write’? We women aren’t busy? Doing the majority of the unpaid labour in the home and being primary caregiver to the kids as well as working full time? Sure, reader. Great point.
You Should Date Me
Look, I understand that it is culturally appropriate for romantic relationships to begin online. People meet through Twitter or Facebook or Instagram, slide into each other’s DMs, and boom! They’re dating. I’m not so sure, however, whether propositioning a female columnist is quite as culturally appropriate. Having said that, I write about dating and being single so I do appreciate that some men will take that as an indication that I am open to advances.
But it is the way that men approach me that is disturbing. Though there is the occasional man who introduces himself to me, tells me a bit about himself and shares why he thinks we might be a good match, the vast majority of men do nothing of the kind. They make no attempt to sell themselves to me as a romantic prospect; they express no recognition of my needs or desires. Their theses are remarkably simple: they find me attractive, so I should date them.
Take this approach from a random man on LinkedIn:
Man: You’ve written a survival guide? Tell me some of the main techniques you’ve used! Your profile shot is really hot!
Me: Thanks! If you want to know the techniques, you can buy the book and read them all.
Man: Let’s meet for a drink!
Me: I’d rather you just buy my book.
Man: I will buy it when you hand it to me yourself!!! Are you online atm?
The man was a stranger. He had made no effort to introduce himself to me, to engage my attention, or to sell himself as someone worth meeting. He felt entitled to a drink with me, and my own interest or lack thereof was of no consequence.
And another:
I am a recently separated man and have decided that I’m ready to get ‘out there’ and start dating. For this reason I would like you to consider going on a date with me.
This man’s entire sales pitch was that he was ready to meet people. And what would I get out of the contact? I’ll never know.
And this unsolicited email from a reader, whose signature professed him to be a medical doctor:
I felt immediately attracted to you when I looked at your picture. Your face is sexy with a hint of cheekiness, your lips full and sensual. But it was your eyes that excited me, hinting at the depths that lie beyond the surface. I could tell immediately that I will be endlessly fascinated by you.
There was no sense of the discomfort I might feel in receiving such an email; it was entirely about him. I was irrelevant in this man’s narrative. I am irrelevant in all their narratives. They fancy me, and my input is not required. It doesn’t matter what I think of them, or whether they even have anything I desire. They want to date me, and so I should date them. They have made the decision for both of us. They want to wax lyrical about my beauty with cheesy hyperbole, and – though I have zero interest in the private thoughts of a stranger about my appearance – they expect me to be grateful. The entitlement is breathtaking.
Fuck You
Your (sic) a stupid slut. What the fuck do you know?
(This was in response to a piece about parenting, and had nothing to do with sex, promiscuity or gender.)
Oh you poor victim, it’s so hard for you being a woman, having to carry that massive chip on your shoulder.
(This was general feedback, pertaining to no particular column, from a man with the user name ‘Happy GoLucky’.)
Stop whingeing. It’s not the world’s fault that you keep picking losers who treat you like shit. You’re the one who chooses the suit-wearing psychopaths. Take responsibility for your choices.
(This related to a piece about the difficulty of remaining emotionally vulnerable after a series of romantic disappointments.)
Women in the media are treated very differently to men. When a commenter disagrees with a male writer, he will, for the most part, criticise the idea and not the writer. When a commenter disagrees with a woman he will use gendered insults, resort to deeply personal slurs, and aim to diminish and demoralise. Male writers may occasionally be called morons or idiots, but they do not routinely receive the same type of personal commentary on their lives.
Women who comment on men’s behaviours come under particularly vicious attack. After a column I wrote about being called a slut by a man who cut me off in traffic, I was threatened with doxing by members of the misogynist and anti-feminist Men’s Rights Association. I’d recently fronted the #endviolenceagainstwomen social media campaign, which had, quite unexpectedly, gone viral, and as such I’d come to the MRA’s attention. The doxing never happened, but an article appeared online, titled ‘Is Kerri Sackville a Slut?’ I found it both disturbing and amusing – disturbing because these men are so angry and pathetic, and amusing because I’m so woefully far from a slut it’s a bit funny.
‘How do you deal with the abuse?’ I am asked, usually at writers’ festivals or in interviews.
‘I have a pretty thick skin,’ I tell them honestly. I’m unfazed by even the worst of the insults. The ‘Fuck You’ type of feedback is comparatively rare, and I find it the easiest to manage.
Thank you for your feedback! I reply. So lovely to hear from you! All the best! Have a great day!
I’m not obliged to play nice with these men, but it works for me. Humour confuses the trolls, and defuses their anger, and the majority are never heard from again. Occasionally I receive a sheepish apology, or even a ‘lol’, or a smiley face, and I absolutely count that as a win. My job is not to make men repent – it would be a thankless bloody job if it were – but when it happens, it’s a very nice bonus.
Still, just because the Fuck You’s aren’t particularly burdensome doesn’t mean I’m fine with all the messages. The #NotAllMen, the Women Do Bad Things Too!, the Mansplains, and the propositions exhaust and demoralise me. It is the sense of entitlement that gets to me, the utter refusal of so many men to see and hear and learn. Their relentless focus on their own experience and their own views and their own needs is deeply depressing.
