Fourfront, page 12
When we saw the people in the pen next to us getting up and being organized into queues we knew our time was not long off. They were moving along so briskly that it dawned on me there could have been more than one judge, or else he had a few assistants like Santa Claus at Christmas. Or else again that you didn’t get much chance to plead your case. Maybe it was all written down in the Big Book of Judgement and your fate was sealed ever before you got to the bench.
A strange quietness came upon us and the banter died away as we were told to stand up and be ready. This was the day and the hour of which we didn’t know. I gritted my teeth and a weird tingle went down my spine when we were ordered into our queue for the long walk along the beaten track of the green, green grass to where our home would be decided. Now was the time for examining our conscience for the last time and weighing up the good with the bad. I remembered all my vices with some affection – pride, covetousness, lust, gluttony, anger, envy and sloth – but I couldn’t say I was particularly good at any one of them. I also had many virtues, but it would be a vice to enumerate them. If there was sometimes evil in my heart there was also charity. I had no machine with which to weigh them against one another, however. How could you measure cigarettes and whiskey and wild, wild women against doing your duty and saying your prayers and voting for the government? Anyway, I’d soon know the answer. The same questions must have been bugging Adam because he had got very quiet. Or maybe he had just remembered some big bad sin that had escaped him until now.
The queue stretched out as far as my eyes could see, yea, nearly unto the ends of the park. There seemed to be still millions packed into the pens on each side of us, and needless to say they weren’t green with envy. We got prodded with batons every so often to keep us moving, and I even saw one guy getting thumped by an angel for dawdling. After a while the judgement area began to become clearer but we were still too far away to guess what was happening. I was amazed how quickly we were moving, almost like a Sunday afternoon stroll.
“Make way! Make way!” a guard shouted at us and pushed us to one side rather roughly. Ahuge lorry was making its way along the track and was being driven by two angels. Its siren went through our ears like glass cutting through bone. It swept past us in a swirl of dust and we were allowed crawl back into the centre of the passageway.
“What was that all about?” I heard one guy ask impatiently.
“Did you not see what was on the back of the lorry?”
“Skins,” said somebody or other, “I saw another few lorries just like that when I was coming in a few hours ago. One of the angels told me they were sheep-and goatskins. We are all given one or the other of them after sentence has been passed – depending on where we are going.”
“It was mostly goatskins so on that last load.” This much was spoken by a large lugubrious mountain of a man for whom any kind of a fitting would have been a professional challenge for the heavenly tailors. “They must be in great demand.” This much spoken resignedly.
I should have been surprised by the petty conversation going on all around me but I wasn’t. Life was too important to be left to the philosophers. I overheard one woman asking her friend if she thought God would be as good-looking or as sexy as Brad Pitt, but then she suddenly remembered she had forgotten to hang out the wash. What looked to me like a fancy rugger-bugger was discussing his golf handicap with another guy who was only interested in car upholstery. A priest ahead of us spent his time looking into a pocket mirror and combing his hair. There were, of course, others whose faces were ashen and drawn as if they knew that the wages of sin were about to be paid. On the other hand there wasn’t much point in throwing yourself on the ground with wailing and gnashing of teeth.
“Would you mind if I went first, I mean go ahead of you?” Adam asked me as we began to approach the judgement throne.
“Would I mind?” I said incredulously. “Of course you can. Those few seconds might make all the difference between everlasting torment and an eternity of celestial bliss. Go ahead!”
By this time we could get a good look at the judgement throne and at God himself. There was a huge angel standing on his right-hand side. He was wearing formal evening clothes with a green carnation in the lapel. A big leather-bound volume was open before him. There were a few other angels lolling about the throne also but they were obviously getting bored with everything. Two lines stretched out on both sides behind the throne but it was clear that the one to the left with the people wearing the goatskins was much longer than the other. The angel giving out the sheepskins was more or less redundant.
Our ears were pricked up the closer we got to the interrogation. It was difficult to follow every word at first but I soon began to get the gist of it. It appeared that God would say something, and then the angel would ask a question and the person would be whisked away after that. I found myself hiding behind Adam, but I knew that I couldn’t get away with that for long.
“I see you’re not wearing a tie,” I heard the angel say to a teenager just a little bit ahead of us, “go to hell!”
“In the hoond of the cakes, purples or aflamed with cloaks,” I heard God say to the next guy, “foreplicate that forum, O Muckle.”
“God says that you’re all right,” the angel said stretching out a hand towards the heap of sheepskins, “I’m told you went to the right school.”
“Oily zounds!” God said, looking at the nice young woman who was next, “bydeboils alanna buddy hast a vein twinpeekaboozies and whale clonking doanlast didgiridoo. Dattbee a through ghostspill, you bedda boleweevil me!”
“Bye-bye, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, good-night,” said Muckle the angel to her, “he didn’t like your clothes. Next!”
The next up was an elderly man who looked scholarly and pious. He took off his hat and curtsied politely.
“Who the fofo costuree me?” said God,“a burden in the bosh wotnot joice addlerup pound for pound. Amon aye right? ‘Botchito ergo sum’ samizdat I pray tallways.”
“Put on your goatskin,” said Muckle, “you ain’t got no ticket for Heaven. You should have bought it when you had the chance. It’s too late now.”
“Whoroo the lustie dabbie plunking the plushty?” God asked the next young girl, who had obviously put on her very best dress for the occasion. “Or oroo the chickybiddy whang woofs the woost waddie joke buzzer? Whorov the squidge and squish ovdat hah!”
“He has just asked you if you know the third law of thermodynamics,” said Muckle interpreting for her, “but as it is perfectly plain that you haven’t the least clue you better fuck off down to hell.”
I was looking very carefully at the priest because if anyone had a passport he surely did. He stood up directly and made a brief humble bow before turning his head ever so slightly towards the judgement throne. God looked kindly down on him and smiled widely from ear to ear showing a perfectly formed row of golden teeth.
“I om the Ram of Gob,” he said, “and thee pissed a balls prophet. The dimple tooth you buggerup and you bekim alloy for alloy. As furry high cough earned ukan shakov. Jew dearme?”
“But I spread your word, I preached the gospel,” the priest protested, as he didn’t really need a translation, “I kept all the commandments, I followed the truth . . .”
“The truth?” Muckle snorted, turning towards God with a query on his brow, “what is this truth thing of which he speaks?”
“Oh snot daffleclut to hobble that,” said God, “the tooth is sumpty this, and sumpty that and sumpty sumpty else.”
“He says that you were consistent,” smiled Muckle handing him a goatskin, “and that the truth is sometimes this, and sometimes that and sometimes the other. But you were too tied down to see that. Off you go!”
The next guy didn’t have any identity card, the woman who came after him didn’t have enough money, and the man after her again didn’t have the right measurements. They were all damned. A quiet woman just ahead of us was given the benefit of the doubt because she had nice curly hair and was a distant relation of a nun. She skipped away happily and Adam took three steps up to his judgement.
“Come closer” grunted Muckle, as Adam seemed a little reluctant and not too surprisingly. I was afraid I’d soil my pants when I came next, or else no words would come out of my tongue. My mouth was dry and my lips were cracked and my knees were weak. Adam didn’t appear to me to be so frightened but he never was one to let the big occasion get him down. I could see everything perfectly clearly now. The big stream of the damned going off to the left and vanishing down a hole in the ground; the small trickle going off to the right and ascending a shining escalator which appeared to vanish in the blue of the sky. I could also see the face of God and it was clear that he was enjoying every minute of this. There was a permanent smile glued to his face as of somebody wielding power that had never been wielded before. He would take off his glasses every so often but it didn’t change the serenity of the smile. If it wasn’t this particular day and this particular afternoon that would never come again even the most gloomy person would have to enjoy the balmy sun and the easy warmth.
“Fot is the fie or the fairfore ovoo?” God asked gently, “or waywho war wore rootings, whore poor ants?”
“He is asking you what you have ever done for the environment?” said Muckle, a bit grudgingly.
“I have to admit that I have done nothing at all,” said Adam in a kind of a pally way. I thought this was quite inappropriate. “I mean really nothing. And come to think of it I have done nothing either for my neighbours. Or for the state, or for the church, or for the poor, or for the third world. In fact, every single thing I have ever done has been for myself alone. Just me. That’s me in a nutshell.”
“Well that’s it so,” said Muckle. “Take yourself off to hell. We have no time here for liars. I know that you once gave a penny to charity when you were a little boy and you could have spent it on sweets. You lied, you bastard! You’re not as bad as you make yourself out to be. So fuck off out of my sight.” He handed him a mangy-looking goatskin on which there was a large brown stain.
Adam took it from him quietly and was just turning away when I heard the bang. I spun round and saw two holes in God’s chest with his life’s grace pouring out of them where he had been plugged. I saw the gun in Adam’s hand and Muckle drawing the sword from his scabbard. I saw another hole blown in Muckle’s skull as he flopped to the ground. I saw the other guards coming with their swords at the ready but they were no match for an automatic pistol. I heard the death-rattle in God’s throat as if he was trying to say something to the world as he was leaving it. I wasn’t really able to understand them as he never was a very clear speaker. I thought it was something like “Dally the Llama, it is spaghettini” but I couldn’t be sure.
“Now that God is dead,” Adam said to the world the following day, “we may as well begin all over again. And this time there will be logic and order and justice and peace.”
We gave God a good funeral and made sure there was a respectable crowd there. I couldn’t attend myself as I was too busy making sense of our new world and was beginning to enjoy the power.
translated by the author
THE Gobspiel According to John
Do this; do that; get up; shake yourself; stir your carcass; shift your ass; put on your trousers; pull up your socks; open the door; mind the stranger; give me your plate; eat your dinner; drink your milk; don’t eat with your mouth ful; hang up your coat; make your bed; be home before dark; sing a song; tell the truth; do your homework; wash the dishes; tidy your room; correct the mistakes; fill in the boxes; watch the water; turn off the television; get the salt; put out the cat; sweep the floor; clean out the car; dress your sister; pay your debts; shut your face; cop on; stay back from the road; reckon the cost; demand your rights; don’t forget yourself; keep talking; open your eyes; scrub your teeth; look left and right; keep your mouth closed; cut the grass; hold your piece; help the poor; learn what you can; put it all down to experience; light a candle in the dark; put your right foot forward; take your chance; don’t waste your energy; strike the iron when it’s hot; keep going; watch your manners; put in the boot; do your duty; squeeze the last ounce; play the game; get stuffed; see what you see; whatever you say say nothing; don’t get caught; there will be jam tomorrow; shape up; shake down; get on with it; bugger off; tune up, turn back, drop dead; move right on; fuck your excuses I want my money; say your prayers; it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to; if you call me pretty I’ll hit you; thou shalt not have strange yobs before me; don’t mind him; don’t break the law; don’t dirty your mouth; don’t mumble; don’t walk on the flowers; don’t lift the child; don’t suffer fools gladly; don’t take insults lying down; don’t wipe your snot on your sleeve; don’t go up into the attic; don’t go down the garden; don’t fall off the tree; don’t keep your hands to yourself; don’t put your paws in the till; don’t say I didn’t tell you; don’t tell lies; don’t funk a fight; don’t play dirty; don’t lose the match; don’t make a pig of yourself; don’t quench the candle; don’t be like that; don’t put your finger in the dyke; don’t put the cat in the microwave; don’t jump the gun; don’t wet your pants; don’t ride a bike without a light; don’t go without one of them things in your pocket; don’t look the other way; don’t disembark until the bus stops; don’t write on the two sides of the page; don’t have it off when you should have it on; don’t put your trust in ponces; don’t let woebegones be woebegones; don’t let them get you; don’t get off the bandwagon until the music stops; don’t come in here drunk; don’t let your meat loaf; don’t be in any doubt about it whatsoever, don’t put chewing gum on the bedpost overnight; don’t forget your contribution on the way out; don’t throw your granny off the bus, don’t hit the nail with your head; don’t do that again or I’ll put your teeth out through your arse; don’t worship false gods.
Well I have to say that he had it coming the bastard he deserved it from the moment he laid the strap on my hand the weak-faced wimp even though it was marsbars and i.q. who brought the frog into the class he blamed me completely who does he think he is the poop or something and he nearly took the skin from my hands the nerd but that wasn’t the worst of it o no it wasn’t but the leer he had from ear to ear the craphead as if he was getting pleasure from it the born-again asshole after he telling us we shouldn’t get pleasure from anything and that we shouldn’t go behind the shed with the big boys on the way home the whore’s git and he’d have another kind of leer on his snout as he told us and we’d see his tobacco-stained teeth the dick-head and the big gash down the middle of his tongue like the rift-valley he beat us to know so he did herr haemorrhoid but marsbars and i.q. were over the moon when they heard of the revenge I had planned this time the fucker not like the last time when we wrapped up the lumpa shit in the pretty box and festooned it with christmas ribbons the coprophagous cunt and sent it to him by registered post so that he would get it with his breakfast of greasy sausages and hairy bacon the pedagogic piss-pot and we were the ones grinning from our elbe to our euphrates that morning as he tried to the rectal rambo think of the latin verbs turdo turdas turdat he was one page ahead of us in the book but this time we were determined to go the whole hog the zapped-out zeroid just to show that low-life forms like him or like he couldn’t get away with it the bumbo because we knew it was our duty not to let teachers or parents ride roughshod over us on account of our dignity like and as killing is the ultimate organism we said why not as with i.q.’s deep voice and he being a good actor and all as well as being a good forger we used to get him to write our parents’ notes that we were sick or visiting the dentist or that our aunt down the country died and so that girl in the newspaper office didn’t suspect anything when he told her between sobs that his father had snuffed it had kicked the slop-bucket had pissed away had gone to his beloved sleep had shipped it quietly had gone to his eternal sward had put out the flame was now as good as the door-nails he hammered and he was dearly beloved of and much regretted by his dear wife and children and that the remains would leave The Church of Perpetual Suckers at five o’clock and they could send the bill to him as the eldest son the fart-faggot and I don’t think he ever understood the grin on our faces even when the leather was hopping off our hands because it was nothing compared with the leer on our backsides because we knew in our heart of hearts and from our history lessons and from the TV that there was no revenge as sweet as death the bed-messer but we only regretted we didn’t see his face or his wife’s when they read of his death the vindictive vasectomized vamper for we were the boys for him and his prolapsed pile I’m telling you the old shitfaced bollocky bastard.
Slow romantic music in the background. Sugary-sweet singing coming from a singer of -stage. Dim lights. Young ladies in their teens on the left. They are examining themselves and one another with some expectation. Ayoung man enters from the right and approaches them.
JOHN (well-manneredly): May I have the pleasure of the next dance with you, please?
TALL GIRL (looking at him disdainfully): Hmrlfx! (She turns away and retreats into the crowd.)
JOHN (out loud): Sorry, I didn’t know you were pregnant! (Trying another one) Would you care to dance?
BRUNETTE: With you? (Nose up, chin out, baring her teeth) Do you think I’m nuts or something?
JOHN: Sorry, I didn’t know you were gay! (Walks down the line of girls.) Shake the floor will we?
REDHEAD (stif ly): I’m not dancing.
JOHN: Sorry, I didn’t know you had BO! (Tries another) What about you, hah? Are you coming? (She says nothing but follows him out onto the floor centre-stage)
