“It’s a disguise!” I whisper-yelled.

  “Disguised as what?” asked Molly.

  “It doesn’t matter. Just be quiet so Roy doesn’t hear us.”

  Molly continued, “Wait. The only reason you’d come to Roy’s house in disguise is to …”

  “Scare him with your fake poked-out eye!” said Karl.

  “It’s. Not. A. Fake—”

  “To see Becky!” said Molly. “But you’re not here as you. So who are you here as?”

  “I’m Max! I’m Max! Okay? Now please, shut up!”

  “Whoa! You’re Max?”

  “Who’s Max?” asked Karl.

  Molly pointed to me. “The kid Roy said he was going to feed to the Cat Dumpster!”

  Karl slowly shook his head. “They’ll lick your face right off. Their tongues are like little pink sandblasters.”

  Molly continued, “And Max is the kid who’s been text-torturing Roy with his grandmother’s phone.”

  Karl’s eyes popped again. “Whoa. You’re a fake poked-out-eye double secret agent!”

  “Quiet!” I whispered as I looked around for a way out. All I could see was one door and one window. And on the floor next to Molly …

  “That’s that pig from that little kid show,” I said. “Is that—?”

  “Oinkdexter,” said Molly. “And yes, he’s Roy’s super secret thing from Dr. Daniels’s file. If you hadn’t shown up, we’d be out of here with him by now.”

  Before I could figure out what was so special about a stupid stuffed pig, Becky yelled from outside, “Roy, let’s just do your homework down here! Not in the TREE HOUSE!”

  It was too late. We could hear Roy starting to climb the ladder.

  I pointed to the window. “That way! Now!”

  Molly and I rushed to the window. But Karl didn’t budge.

  I turned to Molly. “We’ve got to go!”

  She shook her head. “We’re not leaving Karl behind.”

  We could hear Roy outside. He was almost at the door.

  Suddenly Molly yelled at Karl, “By your head! SPIDER!”

  “Ahhh!” Karl screamed as he jumped up.

  I looked at Molly. “Impressive,” I said.

  Molly grinned. “How do you think I got Karl up here in the first place?”

  Karl rushed toward us and almost threw himself out the window. He’d just made it outside when Molly cried, “The pig!” I quickly reached back in to grab it.

  “Hey!” yelled Roy. “What are you … ?” Roy stared at Oinkdexter in my hand. “Nooooo!” he screamed.

  Roy lunged for me, then fell. He tried to get up, but Becky was holding his leg. “Roy, no! Let Max go!”

  “Max? You’re Max?” growled Roy.

  I didn’t answer. I was too busy searching for an escape route. But we were stuck out on a tree limb with nowhere to go. It seemed hopeless, until …

  A branch overhung the deep end of the pool next door. It was only a seven foot drop, but of course Karl started to panic. Molly calmly looked into Karl’s eyes and said, “Just imagine there are more spiders behind than in front of you.”

  Karl nodded and immediately started scooting out onto the limb with Molly right behind. The branch sagged under their weight.

  I was about to follow when I felt a Mutant Troll hand on my shoulder. Becky yelled, “Max, look out!”

  I turned around and came face-to-face with Roy. He grabbed Oinkdexter. “That’s mine!”

  I held tight to the pig as Roy tried to pull both of us through the window.

  “Max, just let him have it,” pleaded Becky.

  “No!” I grunted. I couldn’t let go of the only thing standing between me, Roy, and Roy stuffing me somewhere worse than a locker.

  But Roy was too strong. Just as I felt myself about to be dragged through the window I gave one last yank and …

  Roy gasped and loosened his grip. This was my chance. I braced my feet and lunged backward.

  I won! I had the pig! I …

  All three of us surfaced. My alphabet block elevator shoes made it too hard to swim, so I ripped them off. We swam for the edge, climbed out, and took off.

  Behind us, we could hear Roy screaming over and over again, “Oinkdexter! Oinkdexter!”

  Roy sounded like he was in real pain. He really wanted that pig back. I almost felt sorry for him.

  Almost.

  CHAPTER 29

  We ran for blocks and blocks, dripping wet, until we couldn’t run anymore, and stopped at a park to catch our breath.

  The three of us sat in the swings gasping. Finally, I said, “All in all I thought that went pretty well.” Becky and Karl didn’t seem to agree.

  Molly got up, took Oinkdexter from me, and said, “I’m out of here.”

  “What are we going to do with the pig?” I asked.

  “We’re not going to do anything,” said Molly. “Because we’re not in Safety Patrol anymore. Because there is no more Safety Patrol.”

  “Wait. What?”

  “We voted. It’s two to one and it’s over.”

  I looked at Karl and asked, “When did you vote?”

  “C’mon! We can figure something out,” I offered. “I like you guys. I like being in Safety Patrol. All I care about—”

  Molly screamed, “IS YOURSELF!”

  “Molly, please!” I begged.

  Molly ignored me. She turned to Karl. “Are you coming?”

  As Molly started to stalk off, Karl turned to me and said, “You know, I was in Safety Patrol before Safety Patrol was cool.”

  “I know, Karl.” I nodded.

  “It was a lot more fun then,” said Karl.

  Karl got off the swing and followed Molly out of the park.

  I thought, Fine, be that way. I didn’t need them. I could have fun on my own. Like with this swing. Swinging is fun. You don’t need any stupid friends to swing. You can swing just fine all by yourself.

  So I started to swing.

  Slowly at first. Then faster. And higher. And higher. Until I let go.

  As I hung there in the air, I looked down and waited for the ground to open up so I could fall. And fall. And fall until I could forget I was falling again.

  But the ground didn’t open up.

  I just fell.

  And landed.

  And got a face full of dirt.

  CHAPTER 30

  I was mostly dry by the time I got home. I tried to squeak-squish past Memaw, but she has eyes in the back of her head. And on her arms. And a few on her legs. And a couple of seriously creepy ones on her feet.

  I shook my head. “Nothing.”

  Memaw frowned. “‘Nothing’ is as useless as lipstick to a chicken.”

  “I let some friends down,” I said.

  “Then pick them up.”

  “It’s not that easy.”

  “Are they husky?”

  I smiled. “One of them is.”

  She nodded. “You can’t pick your friends up until you pick yourself up.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

  Memaw thought for a second. Then she said, “Let me put it in comic-book terms. You know that one with the spineless kid that fought that gnome that turned everyone to goo?”

  “NanoNerd, issue fifty three?” I said. “You read NanoNerd?”

  “You left it in the bathroom,” explained Memaw.

  “That was a good one,” I said. “NanoNerd versus Kew: The Glancing Gnome of Zrew.”

  Memaw smiled. “A glance from Kew turns nerds to goo.”

  “Wow.” Memaw grinned. “When you tell it, it almost makes sense.”

  I continued, “In the end, there was only one way for NanoNerd to defeat Kew.”

  “Yup, the ricochet,” said Memaw. “When you hurt your friends you’re not going to like what you see when you look in the mirror. You can either stop looking in the mirror and hate yourself forever or …”

  “Or what?”

  Memaw smiled. “Just noodle on it. It’ll come to you.” Then she leaned over and hugged me.

  I noodled on it all evening. I thought pretty much everything could be explained with comic books. But I guess not.

  I finally gave up. I was on my way to brush my teeth when Mom stopped me in the hall.

  I thought she was going to do her Mom-fu thing and ninja my problem, but instead she said, “I want you to really brush this time. Use the mirror. Make sure you get all the way in the back.”

  So I did. I brushed the tops and the bottoms. I brushed in front and all the way in the back. I brushed so far back that I bumped that flappy thing that hangs down in the back of your throat.

  I gagged. Hard. And coughed. And coughed. And coughed some more.

  Mom was at the bathroom door in an instant, saying, “Are you all right?”

  “I’m fine. It’s okay.

  Mom relaxed. She said, “Did you get all the way in the back?”

  I nodded.

  Mom smiled. “Good boy,” she said, then hugged my neck, said, “I love you,” and left.

  Suddenly I got this weird feeling. Like when somebody says something nice to you, but you know you don’t deserve it.

  That’s when I looked in the mirror, and I knew why I didn’t deserve it.

  Finally, I understood what Memaw was trying to say. That wasn’t me looking back in the mirror. That was Gnick: a Nick/Gnome mutant that lies and lets his friends down. And until I made things right and told the truth, I wouldn’t be able to look in the mirror ever again. Without, you know, exploding into goo.

  Or something.

  I knew what I had to do now. I waited until Memaw fell asleep, then I snatched her phone, and unblocked Roy’s number to text him one last time:

  Max: Meet me tomorrow at the soccer field at 4.

  Finally, I went to bed. But I just lay there. I couldn’t sleep. Something was bugging me. Something really, really, super important.

  It’s not plausible. Water? Metal? Windows? Does everyone live in a bottomless pit on Zrew?

  I decided if I survived the next day I was going to send an e-mail to Nerdopolis Comics and demand an answer.

  If I survived.

  CHAPTER 31

  The next morning, I slept in. It was a teacher prep day, so there wasn’t any school, just the science fair in the evening.

  When I got downstairs, Mom and Memaw had already left. I started to fix some breakfast, when I heard a phone vibrating.

  It was Memaw’s phone. I picked it up. There was a whole thread of texts from Roy:

  Roy: I’ll b @ soccer field. U are so dead.

  Max: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’m taking you DOWN! Right after my hair appointment.

  Roy: ????

  I forgot to reblock Memaw’s phone last night. Memaw was going to know everything. Which meant that even if I somehow survived Roy, Becky, Molly, and Karl, there was no way I’d survive Memaw.

  CHAPTER 32

  I got to school about an hour before the science fair. I figured that way nobody would be around yet to see me get my spleen ripped out.

  I figured wrong.

  “‘Double, double toil and trouble. Fire burn, and cauldron bubble,’” said Mr. Dupree from behind me.

  I turned around and said, “Do you even know what the stuff you say means?”

  He nodded. “It means I think you, Molly, and Karl are up to something.”

  Maybe he is Emily.

  “I know you’re anxious to start Safety Patrol. But you’re not ready yet. You just need to be patient.”

  No, he’s not Emily.

  “Speaking of patience, did I ever tell you about the time I was down in Antarctica, training penguins to ski jump for the Olympics?”

  No. He’s 100 percent not Emily. He’s just seriously weird.

  “Did you know there’s no Olympic participation restriction based on species?”

  “Another lie that tells the truth?” I said as I turned back to the field.

  “Have you figured that one out yet?” asked Mr. Dupree.

  I didn’t get a chance to answer because just then I spotted a new hairdo parting the gathering below.

  I got to the field, pushed through the crowd, and popped out just in time to hear Memaw say, “I’m looking for a very rude Roy person who’s been text-threatening me.”

  Roy was confused. “Wait. You’re the one who’s been threatening me?”

  “Threatening you? You’re the one who wants to rip out my spleen!” said Memaw.

  Roy shook his head. “You can’t be Max.”

  I jumped between Memaw and Roy. “No! Stop! I’m Max!”

  “You?” said Roy.

  “You?” whispered Memaw.

  “You!” shouted Becky.

  Karl turned to the crowd and pointed to me. “Him.”

  Memaw grabbed me. “You’re the Max that’s been bullying this boy?”

  I nodded.

  Memaw’s whole body sagged. Like when all the air leaks out of one of those balloons you see at car dealers.

  A girl yelled, “What’s going on here?” Everyone turned to watch the Peer Mediation Club emerge from the crowd.

  I looked at Roy. Roy looked at me. We might be mortal enemies, but there was one thing we could agree on: there was no universe, alternate or otherwise, where we would take our war to the Peer Mediation Club.

  But before we could tell the bossy girls to take a hike, dozens of cell phones started buzzing at once.

  Everyone checked their phones.

  “It says, ‘Look up!’” yelled Karl.

  And everybody did. Even Roy.

  That’s when one of Roy’s three brain cells decided to randomly click on and he stopped looking up and started looking around.

  While everyone was still staring at the sky, Roy grabbed me with one hand and Karl’s rolling suitcase backpack with the other. Before I even realized what was happening, Roy had pulled me to the edge of the crowd and started dumping Karl’s stuff out of the backpack.

  He dumped and dumped and dumped and dumped.

  Then he stuffed me in the backpack along with one of Karl’s seven tuna pouches and took off.

  I figured Roy must really like tuna

  I figured wrong.

  CHAPTER 33

  We bounced along for what seemed like forever, then suddenly stopped. Roy opened the backpack and I quickly figured out the tuna wasn’t for him.

  It was the Cat Dumpster! Roy was going to smear me with tuna and feed me to the cats!

  Seriously, I’d rather have my spleen ripped out.

  “Get out!” ordered Roy.

  I struggled to stand, then immediately fell over.

  I pointed to my legs. “Log legs.”

  Roy moved toward me. I raised my hands and ducked.

  Roy reached past me and grabbed the tuna pouch. “It was you in the tree house in that stupid disguise.”

  I nodded.

  “Where’s Oinkdexter?”

  “I don’t have him.”

  Roy started to rip open the tuna pouch. “If you don’t tell me where he is, you’re going in the Dumpster with this on your head.”

  “I really don’t have him. Molly does. And I don’t know where!”

  I looked up. The Dumpster was now buried in an army of cats, every one of them staring right at me.

  I turned back to Roy. “Please. I really don’t know! If I did know, I would tell you. I would!”

  Roy ripped open the tuna pouch.

  “NO!” I screamed.

  Roy grabbed me as hundreds of cats licked their lips in anticipation. Then just as Roy raised the tuna pouch over my head …

  It was Roy’s phone. He looked at the screen and gasped. He dropped the phone, fell back against the Dumpster, and slid slowly to the ground. The cats instantly attacked the open tuna pouch still clutched in his hand.

  I picked up the phone. It was a text to Roy, from Molly.

  Molly: You stop bullying us or the pig gets it!

  There was a picture attached.

  It was Karl’s science fair project, “Will It Twist?” He and Molly were threatening to tear Oinkdexter apart.

  I didn’t get it. “It’s just a stupid stuffed pig,” I said. “Why do you …”

  I looked up from the phone. Roy was still buried in cats fighting over the tuna. He didn’t flinch. He just stared into space. And looked … wounded.

  The Bully in him was gone.

  In his place …

  … was a bully I recognized.

  CHAPTER 34

  You really think you can get Oinkdexter back?” Roy asked. We were standing in the first floor boys’ restroom looking up at the access panel to the school’s ductwork.

  I nodded. “No sweat,” I said.

  Actually, I had no idea how much sweat it would be. Probably a lot of sweat. Probably more sweat than I could sweat. But I had to help him. I couldn’t leave him with those Dumpster cats. Those things can lick the shine off the sun.

  “You’re sure they won’t give Oinkdexter back if I just agree to their terms?” asked Roy.

  “I’m sure. If they give him up, what’s to stop you from just going back to being a bully?” I explained as I removed the access panel.

  “Why are you helping me?” asked Roy.

  “So I can look in the mirror.”

  “What?”

  “Forget it. What about you? What’s so special about this pig?”

  “Oinkdexter smells like my mom.”

  “Is your mom not around?”

  Roy shook his head no.

  I didn’t know what to say about that, so I didn’t say anything for a few seconds. Then I took out my phone and said, “Step one: Beg for help from someone who hates me.”

 

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