Santori Reloaded, page 9
part #3 of Santori Series
I glanced disinterestedly toward the bathroom door, then back at Theo, offering only silence for an answer.
"That long, huh?" He took hold of my arm and pulled me to a sitting position. “Come on. Up you go.”
I slumped there for a moment, bunched up and spineless like a worn-out rag doll. Then Theo was half-carrying, half-dragging me into the bathroom. I didn’t make it easy for him, but I did at least brace my legs and stand when he propped me against the wall. It was an effort, especially with the numbness of the pills. I’d probably taken too many, but who the hell cared?
Without letting go of my arm, Theo leaned into the shower and turned the water on. My eyes slid over to the innocent-looking garden tub, where Z's body had lain crumpled years ago, blood gushing from his throat where Gio had sliced him open.
"Nothing but death in here," I said in a gravelly, wasted voice that could not have been my own.
Theo’s gaze followed mine to the empty tub, and something dark flickered in his eyes before he looked away. "That was a long time ago, Pete. It doesn't even exist anymore. There have been plenty of bodies since. Death is everywhere."
“Gio,” I whispered. Because now Gio and death were one and the same, and I would never again be able to hear the word and not think of him.
Theo pulled my dress shirt over my head as if I were a child, not even bothering to try to unbutton it, and my undershirt came with it. He sniffed the bundle of fabric and grimaced at the stench before casting it aside.
I didn’t even have the capacity to feel ashamed.
“Your man was just as much a bringer of death as anyone,” Theo said. “He didn’t give a fuck who lived or died. The way I see it, it finally caught up to him.”
“He cared about me,” I said, the words sounding pathetic. As an afterthought, I planted my hands on Theo’s chest and pushed. But I was so weak. So tired.
Theo barely swayed on his feet before continuing to undress me, his long, nimble fingers releasing the button of my slacks and lowering the zipper. He grabbed onto the waistband and slid them easily down my legs, bringing my Calvins down with them. “Step out,” he said.
I did, like a robot programmed to obey without feeling. A fine tremor buzzed through my limbs as I stood naked before the man who used to be my best friend. Now I wasn’t sure what he was. Didn’t care, to be honest.
“Were those your fucking funeral clothes?” he demanded.
I nodded once, proud of the fact. I wanted to put them back on and to never take them off, but I didn’t have the strength to fight for the right to do so. Theo was on a mission, and from the set look in his eyes, he wouldn’t be deterred.
He shoved me into the shower and under the water, and I shivered. It was too cold, but I wouldn’t say so. It wasn’t worth the effort it would take to speak the words or to reach out and nudge the hot water control. I stood there silently instead, inclining my head and letting the water roll off my scalp and over my face like a liquid sheet. It smelled faintly of chlorine and unwashed hair. It also hindered my breathing, and I liked that a lot. The idea of drowning in my own shower while Theo watched made me almost giddy.
“Wash yourself,” he ordered. When I only looked at him blankly, he grunted and removed his own shirt and pants. In nothing but his boxers and that fucking gold chain, he stepped into the shower behind me. “Jesus, this is too cold. Why didn’t you say something?”
He turned up the heat, and within seconds the warmth was permeating my skin. It felt too good. Nothing should have felt that good while Gio was in the ground.
I heard rather than saw Theo grab the soap from its holder and begin to spin it between his large palms, making squishing sounds as the lather built. He dropped the soap into the holder, and his hands were on my back, moving gently even as he grunted in annoyance.
“You’re like a little kid,” he said, trailing his fingers down my spine. “Can’t even fucking take care of yourself. Gio spoiled you. He ruined you and left me behind to clean up his mess, just like always.”
His hands slid around my sides, soaping and caressing with a level of care that belied his harsh words. He soaped my underarms, my sides, my flanks, my hips. Then his hands were gliding over my ass, slick fingers kneading as he worked.
“Why are you doing this?” I finally asked, my voice still rough from days of disuse.
“Because somebody has to take care of you. You’re obviously not going to do it.”
“Why don’t you just leave me alone, then? Let me die.”
He spun me around to face him, his leonine features scrunched in anger. “Is that what you want? To die? Do you think you’re the only one left, Pete? What about me?”
What about him? I didn’t have an answer for that. Didn’t care.
Theo growled and soaped his hands again before running them down my shoulders and chest. When he reached my belly, his fingers gently grazed my abs. I watched absently, head hanging down. I dimly registered the stirring of Theo’s cock within the wet confines of his soaked boxers, long and thick and angling toward my body with a mind of its own.
My own flesh slept on.
My eyes shuttered and drifted closed, and suddenly I was standing naked beneath a torrent of warm summer rain. I was the only person in the entire world, except for Gio. In the darkness behind my eyelids, I saw him clearly, his face ruddy with the blush of life. The gray pallor of death was mercifully gone as if it had never been, and the stench of failing flesh had been replaced with the scent of his body wash, its honeysuckle and wood so achingly familiar it tied my throat in a tight little knot.
It was the scent of Gio when he’d fallen into bed next to me at night, freshly showered. It was the scent of his throat when I’d nuzzled in close and felt the scrape of his stubble against my lips.
Now, beneath the warm rain, his strong fingers wound into my hair and massaged, releasing more of the intoxicating honeysuckle and wood. His fingertips worked against my scalp, coaxing a sigh out of me. Then he tilted my head back as the rain fell harder, running in bubbly rivulets down my cheeks.
Then his hand was on my hip, fingertips digging in. It was his left hand, of course.
Something brushed against my hipbone, far too close to my sleeping cock, and I gasped in shock, spluttering a light spray of rainwater that had run down my lips and into my mouth.
His body tensed. “Good boy,” he whispered against my ear. I felt a familiar pulse and spatter of warmth against my belly, and for one dizzying moment, I believed it was Gio. Believed with all my heart that my love had been strong enough to bring him back.
But it wasn’t Gio standing before me. It was Theo. Of course, I’d known it was him all along. Of course, I had. Because miracles weren’t real, and dead was dead, and it was Theo in the shower with me.
Theo, who stared at me with startled wonder in his eyes. Theo, who ducked his head and tried to capture my lips in a kiss. Theo, whose expression crumpled when I pulled away and slid down the wall of the shower, mewling like a frightened animal.
He shut off the water and pulled me up and out of the shower. “Stop it,” he said as he wrapped a fluffy towel around my body and rubbed me dry. “Dammit, Peter, stop crying. You’re going to drive us both insane.”
I’m already there, I thought, stifling a giggle.
Then I was able to summon the blankness again, using it to stanch the madness like a dirty rag on a gaping wound. It would stop the bleeding, but I knew eventually there would be complications. The blankness was only a temporary fix, and it was only for Theo’s benefit. Just so he would stop trying to save me.
He walked me to the bed and tucked my naked body in under the covers. I lay unmoving on my side, just how he’d positioned me, and watched as he used the damp towel to dry his own lanky body.
“I dripped all over your floor,” he said.
As if I gave a damn about the floor.
He disappeared through the bedroom door and returned momentarily with a pack of cigarettes and a glass half-filled with water. “I’m staying,” he announced, moving around the bed. The mattress dipped as he climbed in behind me, and my mind screamed out in no no no no no.
I turned over and stared at him in wide-eyed horror. “That’s Gio’s side.” I was overreacting. It was stupid. And anyway, the damage was done.
Theo lit a cigarette and took a long drag, sighing out the smoke as if it were some great burden he was finally getting off his chest. “Would you like to trade sides?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t stand the thought of him there. If anyone was going to take Gio’s spot, it should be me. It didn’t count if it was me.
We swapped sides, and Theo set his water on my bedside table before flicking ashes into it. We lay there awkwardly for a few minutes, Theo puffing on his cigarette while I watched with tear-swollen eyes. I didn’t want him there, but I didn’t quite want to be alone. I was afraid of what Theo had done in the shower, and of what monsters he might have awakened.
“Don’t ever touch me again,” I said, my voice breaking.
Theo’s head snapped around. “What? Why?”
“What you did in the shower just now. You disrespected him in the worst way, and I won’t allow you to do that again. I may be fucked up right now, and I may not be thinking straight, but I won’t cheat on Gio. Not ever.”
His eyes softened from shock to concern. “He’s gone, Pete. You can’t cheat on a dead man.”
A tear slipped from the corner of my eye. “How can you be so callous about all of this? Sometimes I wonder if you even have a heart.”
Theo scoffed and pulled so hard on his cigarette his cheeks hollowed. His feet twitched nervously back and forth beneath the covers.
“He saved both of us,” I said. “What do you think you’d be doing now if it weren’t for him? He gave you a job and kept you on even though you pissed him off all the time. He was loyal. He took me in, gave me a real home, and loved me unconditionally. He treated me like a prince. He never would have cheated on me in a million years, and I won’t do it to him.”
Theo dropped the last of his cigarette into the water with a sizzle, then turned fully on his side to face me. “But you need it, Pete. We both do. Gio is gone, and he’s not coming back. But you and I…we can comfort each other. I don’t think he’d hate us for it. We’re in pain, and we need each other more than ever.”
I scoffed. “The way you talk about him, it’s hard to believe you’re in any pain.”
“We had a bit of a love-hate thing going on, but he was my mentor. Of course I’m sad that he’s gone, but he’s not the reason I’m in pain. It’s seeing what it’s doing to you that I can’t stand. It’s tearing me apart, and I’m afraid if I’m not here for you…if I don’t do something to snap you out of this…”
He trailed off, leaving words unspoken, but we both knew what he was thinking. I was thinking the same thing. He was right to worry, because several times a day, it seemed like the only choice I had was to take my own life. My soulmate was dead, and I didn’t want to go on without him. Not only did it seem like I would never be happy again, but somehow it also seemed like I was being unfair. Selfish. What right did I have to continue living when he couldn’t?
In sickness and in health, until death do us part. In retrospect, those words seemed rather shortsighted. The sickness and health portion hadn’t lasted long enough, and I wasn’t anywhere near ready to part. Now our wedding vows seemed more like a jinx than a promise. Maybe it was because it hadn’t been a legal ceremony. Maybe God was angry.
“Do you believe in curses?” I asked Theo.
“Of course not.”
“Why don’t you?”
“Because if you believe in curses, then you have to believe in all the other bullshit, too. Good and evil, God and the devil, angels and demons, salvation.” He gave me a sad half smile. “There is no salvation for us, Pete. All we have left is each other.”
“You have your mom,” I said.
“My mom.” He grabbed another cigarette and lit it with shaky fingers. “After all the shit I’ve done, I can’t even look that woman in the eye anymore. Haven’t seen her in close to a year. I’m not the same boy she raised.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. Maybe Gio hadn’t saved him after all. Maybe I’d ruined his life by bringing him into my world.
The two recent murders he’d committed seemed proof of that. Only Gio hadn’t been pleased with those, and that raised all kinds of questions.
Your friend has a little problem, Gio had said. He has a hunger.
I’d assumed he’d meant ambition, but maybe he’d been talking about a different kind of hunger. But this was Theo. The guy who had bought me a skate deck for my birthday and had offered his body to make me happy. The guy who had been there for me when my dad was beating the shit out of me.
It didn’t mean much now, but I could still remember a time when it had.
“You’re all I’ve got now,” Theo said. “I can’t lose you. Promise me.” He took a drag off of his cigarette and blew the smoke toward the ceiling in a thin, hard stream, then caught me in his haunted gaze. “Promise you’ll never leave me alone, Pete.”
I bit my lip. Considered it. Then made him a promise that I only had a fifty-percent chance of keeping. “I won’t.”
“Partners till the end?” He held out a hand, and the desperation in his eyes was a knife twisting in my already broken heart.
I took his hand. “Partners till the end.”
Sometime later, I woke in a puddle of cold, sour sweat. I was on the wrong side of the bed, and I nearly rolled out onto the floor in my panic.
“Gio,” I called out, but even half asleep I knew he wouldn’t answer. The world was now empty of him, and he would never answer again. It was starting to sink in, and that scared me more than anything.
“Shhh…” Theo pushed my damp hair back from my forehead. “It’s okay. I’m here. Just go back to sleep. Do you need one of your pills?”
No, I thought. “Yes,” I said. He reached over on the bedside table and retrieved the nearly empty bottle, shaking a pill out and handing it to me.
I swallowed it without water.
I settled into Gio’s side of the bed, curling beneath the covers, trying and failing to not think. After a time, I whispered, “No one will ever love me like he did.” The thought hit me like a freight train about fifty times a day, yet it felt like a new realization every damn time.
Theo wrapped his arms around me from behind and pulled me close. “I should have tried harder,” he said, his voice so quiet I barely heard the words.
“Hmm?” I was already teetering on the edge of sleep again, welcoming the blissful oblivion the pills brought.
“Your eighteenth birthday,” Theo said. “The night I took you home. I should have been brave enough to tell you how I really felt. Then maybe things would have been different. I just… I thought I’d have more time.”
Suddenly, my mind was fully awake again. What was Theo saying? That he had truly wanted me that night? That his awkward overture had been more than an offer for a pity fuck? The knowledge brought no relief. At the time, I’d had a terrible crush on Theo. I’d wanted nothing more than to be the object of his affection. But now, after Gio, I felt absolutely nothing.
“Pete?” he said, shaking me gently.
I pretended I had already fallen asleep.
Chapter 10
PETER
Eight months later, Theo was still sleeping in my bed. Nothing had happened between us. It never would. But the company had kept me at least a little bit sane for a while, and now it seemed like too much trouble to kick him out.
I’d allowed Theo to take over the running of Gio’s business. I’d had little choice considering I knew nothing about it. Thanks to Theo, I could remain in the dark just like Gio had wanted. Letting him sleep in my bed was a small price to pay for that.
Every day, I dressed in a suit, and every day I left the details to Theo. He’d taken over Gio’s role in every way except the one that mattered most. He may have been running his business and sleeping in his bed, but he would never have me.
No one would.
Not that he didn’t try. He’d made it increasingly clear that he wanted to share more than the running of the business with me, and it was getting uncomfortable.
One night, I was standing in the kitchen with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a pill from my ever-growing personal pharmacy in the other. I hadn’t been able to sleep, and the thoughts were getting to me. I popped the pill into my mouth, chased it with whiskey, then set the bottle down on the counter just as Theo came in from one of the clubs he frequented.
“You need to stop all that shit,” he slurred, gesturing toward the pill bottle and the half-gone whiskey.
“You’re one to talk. Look at you.”
He approached me, leaning in close enough that I could smell the sex on him. He brushed a stray lock of hair back from my face. “I want my old Pete back. The one who smiled.”
I batted his hand away and scowled. “What do I have to smile about?”
“Me,” he said, a hint of desperation in his voice. “You act like I don’t even exist anymore. I climb into bed beside you every night, and you don’t even look at me.”
I turned my face away, wishing he would back up off of me.
“It’s been almost a year, Pete. Gio is not coming back, but I’m here. I’m right fucking here.” He pounded his chest to make his point.
“We’ve been over this a hundred times,” I said. “I love you as a friend, but I’m not in love with you. I loved Gio, and that was enough for me. I’ll never want to be with anyone else.”
“That’s ridiculous,” he yelled. “You can’t go your entire life without sex, Pete. It’s just not possible.”
“Monks do it,” I pointed out.
