The Road Leads Back, page 21
“Like what?”
“Broken. She’s broken, Harry. And it hurts my soul because I was broken, too. I want to help her. She needs someone.”
He looked down for a moment before meeting her gaze. “Just make sure you are doing it for her.”
She creased her brow. “Why else would I do it?”
“Because fixing her problems is just another way to avoid yours.” He reached for the ignition. “Don’t even try to deny it.”
She huffed as he backed out of the parking spot. “You sound just like your son.”
“Are you sure about this?” Harry asked as he taped a box shut.
“Positive,” Phil said, doing the same.
“Your mom isn’t happy.”
“That I’m moving out or that I’m taking Jessica with me?”
Harry laughed. “Both. But mostly the latter.”
“Jess isn’t thrilled either, but she’ll be okay. She can come over anytime she wants. We’re not going to be that far away. And she can have plenty of sleepovers at Grandma and Grandpa’s house.”
Harry nodded. “I like the sound of that.” Leaning on the box, he bit his lip for a moment before saying what had been on his mind for a long time. “What’s it going to take for you to start calling me Dad?”
Phil stopped for a moment before shrugging. “I don’t know. I hadn’t considered it much, I guess. Do you want me to call you Dad?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay. Dad.”
In that moment, Harry could have sworn it was Kara standing before him. She had that same kind of logic that was so basic it was almost illogical. Harry wanted him to call him Dad so he would, like it was no big deal, yet he probably never would have done so if Harry hadn’t asked. Now that he had, it was settled. Simple as that.
“You know”—Harry reached for another box and started assembling it—“she’s not the only one who isn’t ready for you to move out. I just got you back.”
Phil nodded. “I know, but it’s time.” He dropped the tape he’d been using and sat on the edge of Jessica’s bed. “I don’t have to tell you that Mom and I have this crazy back-and-forth relationship.”
Harry laughed. “No. I figured that out pretty quickly.”
“But under it all, Harry…Dad…Mom is my rock. It kills me to know how unhappy she’s been for so long. I always thought she was so carefree. I hate that I couldn’t see through her act.”
“Hey,” Harry said firmly, “you were the kid, Phil. Your mom’s happiness wasn’t on you.”
“But it was. Because she didn’t have anyone else. And I’m not trying to twist a knife here, Dad. I know you kick yourself over that. I’m not throwing it in your face. I’m just pointing out the facts. It was Mom and me. Always. And I should have known she was so sad. I shouldn’t have added to it by being such a little jerk all the time. Even after we got here and I could see the change in her, see that she was balancing out, it didn’t really sink in how miserable she’d been all these years until you two got together and I saw her happy. For the first time in my life, my mom is happy, and I’m not exaggerating about that. And I’m happy for her, but you know what else?”
“Hmm?”
“I feel like I can take some of that burden I’ve always carried and pass it on to you. I’ve always felt like I had to look after her. You know how she can be. She just dives in, and so many times I felt like I had to rein her in for her own sake. I had to stop her from doing something too insane. That’s on you now. And I can breathe a little easier knowing she has you to be there for her.”
Harry nodded. “You shouldn’t have had to take that role, Phil, but I’m glad she had you.”
The younger man nodded and pushed himself up. “I’m glad we have you now. It feels right, you know?”
“Yes, it does.” He knew that more than he thought Phil could possibly understand. “Do you still think it’s crazy that we got married so quickly?”
Phil chuckled. “Yes. But that’s Mom.”
“Well, this one was on me.”
“That’s Mom’s influence, then. She has a way of making people want to let go and just jump into things.”
“She does. I love that about her.”
“I love that you keep her somewhat more grounded, so, you know… Let her have the corner on the insanity market.”
Harry laughed as he watched Phil wrap up a few of the knickknacks that sat on Jessica’s dresser. “What about you? Are you happy here? In Stonehill?”
Phil nodded. “Yes, I am.” He looked up at Harry. “I love working with you. I love that whole following-in-my-father’s-footsteps thing. It’s kind of cliché,” he said, shrugging when his cheeks turned red, “but as a kid who didn’t have you around growing up, I like that we’re so close now.”
Harry’s heart warmed, and he damn near wanted to cry. “You feel like we’re close?”
Phil lifted his gaze, and hints of Kara’s insecurity played in his eyes. “Don’t you?”
“Yeah. Yes,” he said more firmly. “Yes. But I…I like hearing it from you.”
Phil smiled and turned his attention back to packing. “I imagine Punk and I will be here a lot, but you and Mom should have your own space. You need that as much as we do. I’ve relied on Mom to help me for a long time. I need to get that independence back. We all do.”
Harry nodded his agreement, and they finished packing in silence.
“Okay.” Harry sealed the last box. “Is that it?”
“Yup. That’s it.”
They carried the boxes down to Phil’s car. Harry was giving him the bedroom furniture he’d purchased for Phil and Jessica before they had moved in. Kara had found a living room set and kitchen table for them, all traded, nothing bought. It never ceased to amaze Harry what she could accomplish when she put her mind to it.
They’d spent Sunday getting Phil and Jessica settled in. Now, their first quiet evening alone on the sofa, she dug out a needle and spool of thread while he skimmed the paper he had set aside that morning in favor of packing. The moment was so basic, so every day, that it made his heart feel full. Watching her—his wife—sew on a button was the most perfect thing in the world.
“I love you,” he said.
She glanced up over her glasses and smiled. “I love you, too.”
“No,” he said, causing her lips to fall. “I love you. With everything that I am.”
She lowered his shirt and pulled her glasses off. Her eyes filled with concern as she met his gaze. “What’s wrong, Harry?”
“Nothing is wrong. That’s the point. In this moment, there is absolutely nothing wrong. Everything is right.”
She stared at him for a few seconds before her eyes softened and her lips curved again. “Yes. Everything is right.”
He nodded and returned to the paper in his hand. Once she was sewing again, he peered over the pages and watched her, thinking how his life couldn’t get more complete. The feeling was disrupted by the ringing of her cell phone. She looked at the screen and scrunched up her nose at him.
“Hi, Mom,” she practically sang, looking at him.
As Harry watched, her face went from a sarcastic smile to colorless and slack. Her mouth fell open.
He moved to her side. “What is it?”
She didn’t answer, so he took the phone from her.
“Hello?”
“Harrison, it’s Kay. Charles is in the hospital. He collapsed this morning and…”
“This morning? Kay, it’s almost nine o’clock at night. Why are you just calling?”
“They were running some tests. I didn’t know what to tell you.”
“We would have come over.”
She was silent for a moment. “It would appear my daughter is avoiding me again. I thought it best to respect that.”
Harry sighed and ran his hand over his hair. Kara certainly came by her stubbornness naturally. He looked at his wife, saw that same old hurt written all over her face. Putting his hand on hers, he got as much detail about Charles’s condition as he could pry from Kay before hanging up the phone.
“What’s wrong with my father?”
“They don’t know yet, but he’s slipped into a coma. We should go.”
She shook her head. “She doesn’t want me there.”
“Stop,” he insisted. “Listen to me. Everything you say and do over the next few days are going to stay with you for the rest of your life. You do not want to live with the guilt of not being with her right now. Despite the past, despite everything she’s done to hurt you, you need each other right now.”
“I don’t know how to do this. How to act like a daughter.”
He turned her face so he could look into her eyes. “You aren’t acting, Kara. You are her daughter. Come on. We’ll call Phil on the way.”
Chapter Nineteen
Kara had never liked funerals. She had wanted to skip the entire circus, insisting she would say goodbye to her father in her own way, but Harry and Phil convinced her to go. If for no other reason, they said, then so Kay wasn’t any more upset than she was already. Not that she seemed to even care that Kara was there. She’d stood next to her mother for the first few minutes, but she was quickly edged out by people she didn’t know and who her mother failed to introduce her to. They offered Kay hugs and shared memories that Kara had no tie to. She didn’t know the people or the stories, and Kay was too distracted to try to include her.
Harry had gone to find her coffee, and Phil had been pulled into a conversation with some of Kara’s extended family. She’d given up trying to reconnect with them after the third time she overheard a whispered profession that she at least had enough respect to come home for the funeral.
She found a chair near a window and collapsed into it so she could look out at the heavy, gray clouds.
“Ignore them, Kare-bear. You know how they are. Gotta look down their nose at someone. Those of us who matter know why you pulled a Houdini.”
Kara grinned as she turned to the woman who had dropped into the chair beside her. Before today, she hadn’t seen her younger cousin Becky since they were kids.
“I hear congratulations are in order. Not on this…” Becky gestured around the room. “You got married, right?”
“Eight days ago.”
Becky creased her brow. “And then Uncle Charles passed. I’m sorry.”
“Thanks.”
“When Aunt Kay called to say you came home, I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think we’d ever see you again.” She put her hand on Kara’s. “I remember when you disappeared. They were terrified. They searched for you everywhere.”
“I didn’t exactly disappear. I was sent away.”
“You know they didn’t mean that, Kara.”
“I was physically dragged out of the house and told not to return. I sat on the porch for hours waiting for them to calm down and let me in. They didn’t. Trust me, Beck, they meant it.”
She gave Kara an exaggerated frown. “You always did take things too far. I’m glad you got to see Charles, though. We all wished you’d come home sooner. Grandma Martinson especially. She asked for you every day when she was sick. It was so sad. We were constantly reminding her that you were still gone. Why didn’t you just come home?”
Kara looked at her cousin, and her feeling of comradery faded. The blame always came back to her, didn’t it? They all asked the same question: why hadn’t she just come home?
But nobody asked why her parents hadn’t simply hugged her, dried her tears, and promised her things would be okay instead of screaming ugly words at her and kicking her out.
While everyone else was sharing stories about how Charles was always there for them, she was stuck with the memory of his face red with anger as he told her she had never been anything but a disappointment.
“You’re not going to break your poor mother’s heart anymore! Get out, Kara Jane. Get out of my house and don’t ever come back.”
She swallowed a sob before pushing herself up.
“Hey, I didn’t mean to upset you,” Becky called, but Kara didn’t stop walking.
She pushed open the doors of the funeral home, and the cold autumn evening compressed around her, stinging almost as much as her memories.
Why hadn’t she just come home?
When she took a breath, the cold filled her lungs, nearly choking her. The feeling was so symbolic. That suffocating sensation. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the panic rising inside her. She knew this feeling well—this overwhelming need to escape. Being here hurt too much. This place hurt her back then, and it was hurting her now. She needed to leave. No place else in the world had betrayed her like Stonehill.
Logically, she understood it was the people, not the place, hurting her. But when had Kara Martinson ever been logical?
Canton. Kara Canton.
“Mom?” Phil called.
A moment later, his suit coat was over her shoulders and she was looking up at him.
His concern faded into clear disenchantment. It had been weeks since he’d looked at her like she was letting him down, but it was there now. That look she knew far too well. “You can’t run, Mom. Not now.”
She swallowed hard. “I can’t stay here.”
“What about Dad?”
Her lip trembled. How long had her son wanted to call someone Dad? All his life. Now he had that. He had his father. The father he’d always wanted. She put her hand to Phil’s face. “He has you now. He’ll be okay.”
“No, he won’t.”
“All those years, I was so alone and so afraid, but I would look at you and you would somehow make me feel better. You were this little miracle, this little bit of proof that I’d done something right. When Harry looks at you, he feels the same. He’ll be okay because he’ll have you.”
“He loves you.”
“I love him, too. Very much. Would you tell him that, please?”
Phil shook his head. “You can’t just walk away. What am I going to tell Jessica?”
Kara lowered her face as she pictured her granddaughter. Her shoulders shook with the strength of the emotion forcing its way out of her. Phil hugged her to him as what felt like a lifetime of pain ripped through her body and left in the form of body-wracking sobs.
A moment later, a hand pulled her from Phil and she was cocooned in Harry’s arms. For some reason, that only made things worse. She wanted to run, needed to get out of this place, but how could she when he was hugging her so tightly?
“Get the car,” he told Phil as he held her more tightly.
Kara took several shuddering breaths and leaned back, looking up at him. “I need to go home.”
“Phil’s getting the car. We’re going to take you home.”
She shook her head. “No. I need to go home.”
Her heart broke even more as her meaning dawned on him.
“No.”
“Please. You don’t understand. I can’t be here.”
“Kara. You’re upset. You just lost your father. Things are overwhelming right now. But you can’t leave. You can’t.”
“I can’t stay.”
He held her gaze. The hurt in his eyes ripped another cry from her.
“I can’t stay,” she said again.
Instead of responding, he nodded toward the curb. “There’s Phil.”
Kara took a breath, but he gave her a slight push toward the car, cutting her off. He helped her into the back seat and then slammed the door behind her. She spent the short ride home trying to pull herself together. Phil had barely parked the car before she was climbing out. She rushed to the door and unlocked it as quickly as she could. She was on the second-floor landing before Harry made it into the house.
He called out to her, but she ignored him. She needed to leave, and she needed to go now, before he gave her that brokenhearted look and stole her last ounce of strength. She dug into his closet, the closet he was now sharing with her, and found her old duffel bag. She shoved several sweaters inside and was pulling her sock and underwear drawer open when Harry barged into the room.
He grabbed for her bag, but she pulled away from him, ignoring the few articles of clothing that fell onto the floor.
“You’re not leaving me,” Harry said.
She shook her head. “I’m not staying. I can’t.” She grabbed an extra bra, a few T-shirts, and then headed for the bathroom, not bothering to close the drawers. They were slammed shut as she packed her toothbrush and a bottle of shampoo. Conditioner was a luxury her bag didn’t have room for.
She left the bathroom and shook her head at Harry as he blocked her way. Panic was closing in on her, making it nearly impossible to breathe. “Move. Please.”
He grabbed the bag, yanking it from her hands so hard the friction burned her palms. He threw the bag across the room and glared at her with that angry, ominous stare she’d only seen one other time—on their wedding day. Too bad sneaking off for ice cream wouldn’t make this particular problem go away.
“You. Are. Not. Leaving. Me.”
She tried to push around him, but he stood firm.
“Goddamn it!” she screamed. “Don’t you understand? I can’t be here. This place is killing me.” She turned her back on him, taking several breaths to try to stop herself from completely breaking down.
What seemed to her like an eternity passed before he wrapped her in a bear hug. “I don’t want to lose you.”
“I know. I don’t want to lose you either.”
“So don’t run.”
She slowly turned in his arms. “If you want a divorce—”
“Jesus, do ever listen? I’m all but begging you not to go. I don’t want a divorce, Kara. I want you to stay and face this. Face it with me. I’m right here. You’re not alone anymore.”
She shook her head. “I never should have come here. I just…I didn’t want to be away from Phil and Jess. I knew this was going to end badly. I just didn’t… I never wanted to hurt you, Harry. Please know that.”
“So don’t hurt me.”
Tears ran down her cheeks as she stepped around him. This time he let her. She grabbed her bag.
