Surviving the Wilderness, page 14
“I can’t shake it,” Jeff said. “It’s like the memories of surveying the bombed out remains of the vehicles after I got out of the brig are always there, right under the surface, ready to emerge when I’m least expecting them. I can see it, smell it, and feel it on my skin. It makes me feel like I’m permanently broken.”
She pulled her hands from his and wrapped them around him. She hugged him tightly and he clutched her, as if somehow they could hold each other’s broken pieces together.
“You’ve got to know you can’t blame yourself for that attack,” she said. “If you’d been there, you might not have seen it. You might’ve died in the explosion. If you had seen the drone and it had been shot down by a fellow soldier, someone might’ve used another drone to attack another convoy or another day when you weren’t there.”
“I know,” he said. “That’s what Vic keeps trying to tell me.” He lowered his voice, like he was mimicking his brother. “‘Survivors guilt isn’t logical,’ he says. ‘You’ve gotta see it’s a lie’. But it’s easier to say than believe. Or maybe it’s easier to beat myself up for not stopping it than acknowledging I couldn’t. But that’s why I didn’t press charges against Paul for threatening me because I thought I deserved it.”
She pulled back from the hug and looked into the dark depths of his blue eyes.
“Because you think that if you’d been a good person then Della would’ve loved you, wanted to marry you and treated you better?” She hazarded a guess. “You blame yourself for how she treated you. She hurt you badly, and instead of blaming her, it made you hate yourself?”
“Maybe,” he said. “I do know that I wasn’t driven by genuine caring as much as the fact I wanted so badly to prove to her that was wrong about me. I’d never failed so epically at something before or had someone treat me like that. Something inside me wanted to fight to prove myself and win her over. Instead of just being willing to walk away from her hate.
“To be honest, I don’t even think I wanted her in my life, let alone as a partner, even though I was willing to marry her for the sake of Addison. Then, when she died, all I could think was that I’d somehow proved I was every bit as worthless as she’d said I was, by not being there to save her.” He stood and walked three paces away into the night before stopping and turning back. “I can’t believe I just admitted that. Do you think I’m irrational?”
“I think the way she treated you had nothing to do with you and everything to do with her own brokenness,” Quinn said. “Like she was carrying her pain about her father through life and projecting it onto you. I think it’s good you know that the fact you wanted to win her over doesn’t mean it was a genuine romance. Look, if I’m honest, a really big part of me blames myself for the fact Bruno’s dead and the fact Addison was kidnapped, and I’m terrified that everyone else will blame me for that too—”
“Seriously?” Jeff blinked. “You can’t blame yourself for that. None of what happened today was your fault.”
“So, you don’t blame me at all for the fact Big Poppa somehow infiltrated my business, trip and campers in order to terrorize you and kidnap your little girl?” she asked, rising. “Or for not finding a way of staying with her instead of being buried in that cave. Because you could. And the campers and their families might blame me for the ordeal I put them through today. Why did Big Poppa choose me, my company, and my trip? Is it because he thought I was naïve, weak or easy to manipulate? Why was Bruno, a man I’ve worked with on multiple trips before, willing to betray me that way? What if I could have somehow seen it and stopped it? What if I could’ve done more? And Addison grows up to blame me?”
Thunder rumbled softly in the distance. Electricity seemed to crackle in the air between them and, for a long moment, neither of them said anything.
“You do sound a lot like me,” Jeff said finally.
“I told you we were more alike than I’d realized,” she said. She took a deep breath. Okay, if he’d opened up and been honest, she could too. “There’s also something I haven’t told you about me. My business is struggling financially. I’m barely getting by and I was counting on the positive buzz from this one trip to give me the boost I needed to salvage my dream and keep my business alive. Now, after all this, I can’t imagine anyone will ever be willing to trust their lives to traveling with me ever again. And I’m worried the fact I was so focused on saving my business made me more vulnerable to Big Poppa or meant I missed something crucial that could’ve stopped all this from happening.”
“You know I could never—will never—blame you for anything that happened today,” Jeff said. “None of this is your fault. You can’t take any of this on. As far as I’m concerned, you saved my daughter’s life—at least twice, maybe more—and I will always be in your debt over that.”
“Why can’t you feel the same way about yourself the way you feel about me?” she asked.
“Quinn...” He chuckled softly. “I’ve never liked anyone, including myself, anywhere near as much as I like you.”
He meant as a friend, right? Because she was pretty sure that he wasn’t looking for a romantic relationship. Neither was she. And either way she couldn’t start something with a man who wasn’t ready to be there for her.
Still, something tightened in her chest and she stepped toward him in the dark and he met her halfway. His hands cupped her elbows and her hands brushed his forearms. Then he leaned forward and rested his forehead against hers. “You’re one of the most caring, gutsy, strongest people I’ve ever known. I wish I was more like you.”
She pulled her head back just enough that she could look up into his eyes.
“Are you kidding?” She felt her voice rise with sincerity. “You’re incredible. You’re selfless and courageous. Not to mention really sweet and funny. The way you love your daughter is so powerful, and I’m inspired by the way you’d give everything for her. You’re the kind of man anyone would want as a father.” She broke his gaze and looked down at their feet. “Or a husband. You have no idea how many of our old campers pointed out how good looking you were and told me they were going to ask you out.”
“A lot of them did,” he said. “But I never said yes. Then I found out a lot of people thought I was all hung up on you,”
“What?” An unexpected laugh burst through her lips. Her hands slid onto his shoulders. “Really?”
“Yeah,” he said. “People thought I had a crush on you.”
“But you didn’t,” she said. “Obviously.”
“Maybe I did,” he said, “and just wasn’t ready to admit it to myself.”
“Well, maybe I used to have a crush on you,” she said. Even though crush felt like such a frivolous word to describe the mixture of admiration, emotional connection and respect she felt inside her.
But it was all in the past, right? Because neither of them wanted a relationship. And even if they did, she had to worry about her business and he had to focus on Addison. Their lives were heading in different directions.
His eyes widened. “No one’s told me they had a crush on me before.”
His arms slid around her waist and enveloped her. She slid her hands around his neck and pulled him closer to her. Her face rose to meet his as he bent toward her. And suddenly, unexpectedly and sweetly, their lips met.
For a long, gentle moment, she kissed him and was kissed by him, feeling safe and at peace, comfortable in a man’s embrace in a way she never had before.
“Good news about the helicop—Oh!” Rose’s voice broke through the moment.
They jumped apart and Quinn turned to see her sister standing there, holding a flashlight, and looking more embarrassed then she’d ever seen her look in her life.
“I...I’m sorry. I’ll give you guys a moment.”
“No, stay,” Jeff said. He ran his hands down his jeans. “So, the helicopter is on its way?”
“Yes,” Rose said, her eyes looking everywhere but at him and Quinn. “Two helicopters, actually. One to rescue us, and another with law enforcement to apprehend Benny. They’ve taken off and are about twenty minutes out. The skies are clear enough now for them to drop a rope and pick us up right from the town square.”
“That’s good,” Jeff said. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other awkwardly. “I’m going to go for a quick walk and find Vic. Will you stay here with Addison?”
“Absolutely,” Rose said before Quinn could find her voice.
Jeff turned and took off quickly, as if his legs were brand-new and he wasn’t quite sure how they worked. It look Quinn a second to realize he’d walked off in the wrong direction and forgotten to take either the flashlight or the walkie-talkie with him.
Her sister gave her a long look and then she plopped down.
“So, what just happened here?” Rose asked.
Quinn sat beside her “Jeff kissed me.”
“I saw,” Rose said.
“But it was more than that,” Quinn said. “I told him about how my business was struggling financially and that I was afraid I’d loose it. He opened up about his past too. We got closer as people.” She pressed her elbows into her knees and dropped her head into her hands. “Then he got all weird and awkward.”
“Yeah, noticed that too,” Rose said. Her sister gently nudged her shoulder.
“What do I do?” Quinn asked, staring at her palms.
“What do you want to do?” Rose replied.
“I don’t know,” Quinn admitted. She didn’t know if Jeff wanted to grow what had started with that fleeting kiss into the kind of real and solid relationship she could build a future around. Even if he did, would he able to? Or would his past always hold him back? She raised her head and looked past her sister to where Addison still lay curled up like a ball sleeping on the floor. But there was one thing she did know for certain. Big Poppa would stop at nothing to exact whatever his evil plan for this little girl. And as long as Quinn was near Jeff and Addison, her future, career, and life would be in jeopardy.
* * *
Jeff walked blindly into the night and didn’t even realize he’d gone in the opposite direction of the area where Vic was patrolling until he saw the cabin where Addison had been held hostage looming ahead of him. He stopped and turned back. The rain had ceased again, thick trees surrounded him on all sides, and he could hear the sound of the river in the distance as it crashed past the old mill.
His head swam with the knowledge that he’d not only just told the most amazing, unbelievably beautiful and impressive woman he’d ever met all of his darkest secrets, but she’d listened to him, been supportive and admitted some of the stuff she was struggling with too. She’d even held him in her arms and hugged him, instead of pushing him away. Then they’d kissed. In a way that, despite everything else he’d lived through, somehow felt like the first real and genuine kiss he’d ever experienced. And it had been from the one woman he felt he’d never be able to deserve no matter how hard he tried.
Suddenly, he dropped to his knees on the soft, wet ground, as if the full weight of everything burdening his heart had just landed hard on his shoulders. He clasped his hands together behind his head.
“God?” he asked out loud, feeling more like checking to see if someone was within earshot than starting a prayer. “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and I don’t know why everything has turned out the way it has. I’m so thankful for Addison and so terrified that I’m not a good enough father. On one level, I know that both Vic and Quinn are right when they tell me I can’t blame myself for other people’s choices.”
He paused and ran his hands over his face. But knowing something in his mind just wasn’t enough.
“I don’t know why I let Della make me feel unworthy of love,” he admitted out loud to God, “or why I beat myself up over my mistakes. But I want to be the kind father who Addison deserves and, one day, I want to be the kind of man who can stand alongside someone like Quinn.
“And I want to stop beating myself up and letting the past run my life. So, I’m asking for help. Help me to let go of the things You don’t want me carrying. Please point me in the right direction. Put the people and things in my life that I need to help me do the work I need to do to be a better man. Thanks. Amen.”
It wasn’t much of a prayer, he thought. Definitely hadn’t been anything like the flowery language on the radio station his brother liked listening to. And he wasn’t sure he’d remembered to say all the things he’d needed to. But it had been real and honest, and he’d meant every word of it. He sat back on his heels and listened to the river rushing beyond the trees and the faint rustling of the wind in the leaves above him.
As he sat there in silence, a small and simple thought crossed his mind. Everything good he’d accomplished in his life had come slowly and taken time. No matter what his workout might’ve been on a Monday, being strong enough to serve in the military had still meant getting up the next day, the day after that, and the day after that, and putting himself through his paces all over again. He’d found there was something good, even joyful, in the discipline of the every day. Maybe that’s what being a better father and human being was like, and it was something he’d have to rededicate himself to each day for the rest of his life.
And knowing that was enough.
He stood slowly, brushed the dirt off his jeans and started walking back in the direction of the ghost town. He needed to find Quinn, talk to her and apologize for running off like that. While he was at it, he also needed to find his brother and apologize to him too for being so incredibly defensive for the past few months. And then he’d find Addison, cuddle her tightly in his arms and hold her as they waited for rescue.
A flashlight beam flickered through the trees just above his head. Was it Vic? Quinn or Rose? Surely, if rescue had arrived, he would’ve heard the walkie-talkie. He reached for his walkie-talkie to check in with the others and realized he didn’t have it. There was no way to reach out or to get help. So he started walking through the trees toward the light. The trees parted and he saw the old mill, its wheel spinning futilely at the riverside.
“Jeff!” Quinn’s voice came faintly through the trees. “Help me! Please. He’s going to kill me!”
He looked up at the skeleton of the old mill and saw two shadowy figures on the second floor. A woman was down on her knees. A huge, heavyset man in a shapeless coat and mask loomed tall over her. Big Poppa had Quinn? But how? He’d only left her a few minutes ago, sitting talking with her sister and watching Addison sleep. How had they been invaded? How had Big Poppa lured her away?
Was Addison okay?
“Jeff! Help!” Quinn’s scream echoed high-pitched through the night.
“I’m coming!” he shouted. He ran and pushed through the trees. Something crashed in the distance. He looked up. Big Poppa was gone and now the woman lay sprawled on the ground.
His heart raced. The mill rose ahead of him, two stories tall with missing walls and boards that gaped like a mouth of crooked and missing teeth. He reached the mill, found a ladder and began climbing to the second floor. Rungs spun and cracked under his feet. Silence fell from the floor above him. He prayed for wisdom.
“Jeff! Help!” Quinn’s voice was faint.
“I’m coming,” he called. “What happened? Are you alone? Are you hurt?”
She didn’t answer. He reached the top of the ladder and looked around. The space was empty except for piles of debris in the corner. A small plastic camping lantern on the floor cast the space in an unnatural yellow glow. The mill wheel spun and water crashed beside him, sending spray through the empty space where he guessed a wall had once been, plunging to the river far below. He started across the floor and that’s when he saw the body lying directly ahead of him. He steeled a breath and walked toward it. A long black shroud seemed to cover the body. His footsteps reached it, he bent and pulled the fabric back. It was a person-shaped hunting decoy.
What was this?
The blow from behind was so swift and sudden, he pitched forward, landing hard on his hands and knees on the wooden floor beside the dummy. Immediately he sprang back and turned around, his hands raised to strike.
There stood Kelsey with her unnaturally red hair flying out around her like flames and a small handgun clutched in her hands.
“Kelsey,” he said slowly and cautiously, like he was trying to talk down a mountain lion before it struck. “Where’s Quinn?”
“Not here,” Kelsey snapped.
“But are she and Addison okay?” he asked.
“This has nothing to do with them!” she said. “This is between you and me.”
What? Between her and him? What kind of unfinished business could Kelsey possibly think she had with him? Desperation filled her gaze. She pointed the gun right at his chest. And despite the fear pounding inside him, confusion overwhelmed him even more.
Where had she gotten the gun from? Had she had one all this time and just never shown anyone? How had she mimicked Quinn’s voice so well? If Kelsey was the woman he’d seen cowering on the ground, how had she rigged the dummy on the floor to look like it was menacing on her?
But above all, he wanted to know...
“Why, Kelsey?” he asked. “Why would you do this? Why did you take my child? Why are you pointing a gun at me? There’s never been any bad blood between us. Did I do something to offend you? Or hurt you? If so, I very sincerely apologize.”
A thrumming sounded, like a swarm of frustrated mosquitoes trapped in a tin can. Was it the helicopters? Or a drone? Several drones? Watching them? Helping her?
Is that how she’d faked the scene he’d seen?
“Get down!” Kelsey shouted. “Hands up in the air and don’t move.”
