The Good Sister, page 23
So, when I heard her voice, I felt my stomach contract and a lump came to my throat. But I managed to disguise my concern and put on my cheeriest voice. ‘Eileen! How lovely to hear from you.’ I smiled as I spoke, having read somewhere that it helped give a good impression.
‘I haven’t heard from you for a while. Is everything okay?’
‘Sure. I’ve been busy with the shop and…’
‘I hear you and Bob Smith are still on.’
‘I suppose he’s told Alan.’
While I’d assumed it would happen, I still felt a tiny niggle that Bob felt free to talk about me behind my back, while I’d been more circumspect.
‘Actually, no. Alan says Bob never mentions you.’
Now, I felt let down. I knew it was irrational, but that’s how unreasonable I was.
‘No, it was Helen Brown who told me she’d seen the two of you together in Sauchiehall Street the other week.’
‘Right.’
‘I mentioned it to Alan, and we thought it would be nice to have the pair of you to dinner.’
‘Oh!’ I was lost for words. If Bob accepted the invitation to dinner at Eileen’s it would be a clear sign he was serious. He was, wasn’t he? ‘Will I…?’ I finally said when I found my voice again.
‘No, better let Alan broach it with him. See how he takes it. I take it you’ve no objection?’
‘No.’ What did she mean “see how he takes it”? Did Eileen think Bob wouldn’t want to take me to dinner with them? The four of us had gone out together often enough in the old days. But I guessed it was different now. They were married and we weren’t.
Bob hadn’t even mentioned he was seeing me again to Alan, his best friend. Was he ashamed of me, or just keeping his cards close to his chest as I had been? I didn’t know what to think. ‘So, I’ll wait for Bob to mention it?’
‘I think that would be best, don’t you? I mean, he’s been pretty cagey about his personal life in recent years. We’ve only ever seen him and Rhuairi together. Maybe…’
I could hear the doubt in her voice and remembered her telling me he hadn’t taken anyone to meet them since Mhairi died. But surely, I was different? I wasn’t some casual acquaintance, a woman he’d taken out a few times, someone who meant nothing to him. I was… What was I? I hoped I was the next Mrs Smith, but I didn’t dare let anyone guess.
Nan probably did. She knew me better than anyone and wanted the best for me, but I hadn’t let on to anyone else. I wasn’t even sure Kate knew who I was spending time with. I’d never allowed Bob to pick me up at home, preferring to keep our relationship private – secret some might say. Deep down, I think I may have been worrying about his feelings, scared to talk about us as a couple in case I jinxed everything we had together.
‘I’ll speak to Alan, then. I’ll be in touch.’
I hung up the phone and sat staring at it. I wondered how Bob would react.
When he’d tell me.
If he’d tell me.
Thoughts were whirling around in my head. I felt dizzy.
*
We were drinking tea in a café in Central Station before going to a film, when Bob made the remark I’d been waiting for. ‘I had a beer with Alan Davison last night. Remember Alan and Eileen back then?’
‘Of course. I still see Eileen occasionally, but she’s been pretty busy since she married and now they have a young boy.’
‘Aye. Their Gavin is good pals with Rhuairi.’
I waited.
‘Alan and Eileen. They’d like us to go to dinner at their place.’ He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. ‘What d’you think?’
‘That’s good of them. Do you want us to go?’
Bob coughed before replying. ‘It’s you I wonder about. You’ve been at great pains to keep quiet about us meeting. I wasn’t sure… I hadn’t said anything to Alan, not since I got back in touch. Seems some friend of Eileen’s saw us together. Women and their gossip!’ He shook his head, and I couldn’t tell if he was pleased or annoyed.
‘Well, we did a lot together in the old days. We were a good foursome back then.’
‘Do you want to go?’
‘If you do.’ I tried to sound nonchalant, while my heart was racing. This invitation was important to me. It would be the first time we’d gone anywhere as a recognised couple. I would be the first woman Bob had taken to Alan and Eileen’s for dinner since Mhairi. I closed my mind to thoughts of his wife. I wanted to pretend he’d always been my Bob.
It was only right Alan and Eileen should invite us as a couple. They’d introduced us. We’d both stood up at their wedding. Now they’d be the first to recognise our relationship. I exhaled with relief. ‘Did they suggest a date?’
‘Next Friday.’
‘Sounds good.’
‘You’re sure?’ It occurred to me that perhaps Bob wasn’t sure himself, that he’d only asked me to please Alan. Maybe he’d expected me to refuse. But I immediately dismissed that idea. Why on earth would he want me to refuse an invitation to dinner from the couple who’d been our best friends?
“I’m sure.’ I smiled, took his hand across the table and checked my watch. ‘Now we should make a move if we don’t want to miss the beginning of the film.’
Bob visibly relaxed. I thought I detected a hint of something I couldn’t identify, then it was gone. I was too relieved he’d been thinking of my feelings to pay too much attention to what was probably only in my imagination.
*
On Friday evening, I took more care than usual getting ready. It was a cold night – winter was drawing in – so I decided to wear a new red woollen dress I’d picked out of our latest display. It was knee-length and clung to me in all the right places. I smiled as I contemplated Eileen’s reaction. She’d let herself go since Gavin was born and now bore little resemblance to the slim and fiery friend who’d been so much more daring than me in every way. I covered the dress with my camel swagger coat, pulled my favourite black boucle wool hat over my hair, slipped on my matching gloves and I was ready to go.
‘You’re off to Eileen’s tonight?’ Nan came out of the kitchen as I was walking downstairs. ‘See and enjoy yourself. Don’t make too much of it.’
I stared at my sister. What did she mean?
‘You’re looking very glam for Eileen’s. Watch you don’t go over on your ankle in those heels.’
I glanced down at the black patent leather shoes, the heels were higher than I was used to, and pursed my lips. Tonight was going to be special. I wanted to look my best.
‘Och, go on with you.’ Nan almost pushed me out the door but, before I left I saw a face peer over the banister and heard my niece’s voice. ‘You look nice, Auntie Izzy. Are you going somewhere special?’
I nodded and closed the door behind me.
Bob was waiting for me in his car. He didn’t understand why I wouldn’t permit him to come to the door for me. I didn’t either. Maybe after tonight I would. But I got a peculiar thrill out of the secrecy of our meetings, though I know I couldn’t keep it up. If our relationship was to progress in the way I wanted, I’d have to become more open. I shivered at the thought.
*
I thought I’d feel pleased to be dining at Eileen and Alan’s with Bob, enjoy being part of our old foursome again. But the evening didn’t go as I’d expected. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but right from the start, something felt wrong.
Alan was his usual jovial self, greeting Bob with a wink and a slap on the back, and me with a kiss on the cheek. ‘Good to see you two back together.’ He rubbed his hands, then poured a Scotch for Bob and a sherry for me. Bob accepted his drink awkwardly and coughed. I drank mine down quickly to hide my uneasiness. Meanwhile Eileen fussed around, and Gavin, after saying hello to us both, sidled off to bed.
We sat on the overstuffed lounge chairs making awkward conversation till Eileen jumped up. ‘Dinner should be ready, now,’ she said and headed for the door.
I followed her into the kitchen. ‘Can I help?’ I asked, watching her remove a casserole dish from the oven.
‘It’s all done. Beef Wellington. Bob’s favourite.’
I stood there feeling useless and realising I knew nothing about Bob’s taste in food – favourite or otherwise. Our relationship had been conducted in a bubble, a bubble which didn’t allow for the sharing of any really private information. Not for the first time, I wondered if he felt the same way I did.
By the time we started to eat, I’d already downed three glasses of sherry and could feel my head beginning to spin. I tried to keep up my end of the conversation, but kept losing the thread of what was being said. I felt confused. This wasn’t the evening I’d been looking forward to.
We had finished our dessert – a delicious concoction of berries, meringue, and whipped cream, and I was beginning to feel more like myself when Alan raised his wine glass in Bob and my direction.
‘To you both.’
I waited expectantly for Bob’s response. There was none. I peeked at him out of the corner of my eye to see him draw a finger along inside his collar. He pushed his chair back. ‘We should be going. It was good of you to invite us both. Thanks for the lovely meal, Eileen. You outdid yourself yet again. Izzy?’
He stretched out his hand to help me rise, and I was forced to join him in thanking Eileen and Alan for their hospitality. The cold evening air hit me as we walked to the car, completely sobering me up. What was that about? Why the sudden decision to leave? Was it Alan’s toast? Something I’d said?
Bob was silent on the drive back, but by the time we stopped outside the Kelvin Drive house, he seemed to have forgotten whatever it was that had disturbed him. He turned towards me for our usual kiss and cuddle, and I snuggled into him, enjoying the warmth of his skin against my cold cheeks.
‘Next Friday?’ he asked, as we drew apart.
‘Mmm.’
‘Same time. Pick you up here?’
I nodded and slipped out of the car, standing by the kerb to watch him drive off and feeling confused. Something was bothering him. I puzzled for a moment, then shrugged. It couldn’t be too much. He still wanted to see me next week as usual.
But as I pushed open the front door I had a knot in my belly.
Twenty-seven
Isobel – 1963
Christmas came and went and my relationship with Bob hadn’t seemed to have progressed. We still met most Friday evenings, but sometimes I felt we were just marking time, waiting for something to happen.
We were finishing a quiet dinner in what I had come to regard as our restaurant when Bob surprised me.
‘I have something for you.’ He ferreted around in his pocket, and my eyes widened as he drew what looked like a ring box out of his pocket. ‘A little bird told me it was your birthday.’
‘Oh!’ My heart began to beat madly and my fingers became slippery as I clumsily unwrapped the package to reveal a beautiful garnet ring. It wasn’t the diamond I’d been hoping for and the stone was small, but it took my breath away. I was about to remove it from the box when Bob forestalled me.
‘Let me see if it fits,’ he said as he carefully freed it from the wrappings and placed it on the third finger of… my right hand.
I tried to hide my disappointment and held my hand up to admire the ring, letting it catch the light while I held back my tears.
Bob didn’t notice. He was too caught up in what he imagined was my delight at his gift.
Belatedly, I kissed his cheek. ‘Thanks,’ I said, my voice almost breaking with what he probably imagined was pleasure. I was pleased he’d remembered my birthday after all those years, of course I was. But this wasn’t the gift I wanted.
‘I thought you’d like it,’ he said, taking my hand in his and rubbing his thumb over the ring. ‘It’s the one you admired, isn’t it?’
I was puzzled. Then I remembered one evening when we’d been standing outside a jewellery store. I’d been admiring the engagement rings. When Bob had asked me what I was looking at, I’d pointed blindly at something in the back of the window, to distract him from the real source of my interest. It was a beautiful ring with a unique setting, the small dark red stone held by what appeared to be two golden hands.
‘Yes.’ I swallowed hard to disguise the sudden nausea that threatened. ‘It’s lovely, Bob. Thank you.’ I looked down at the ring, its many-faceted surface glinting in the light. I turned my hand this way and that, as if I could change it into the diamond I’d been hoping for. A ring was a ring, and it was a step in the right direction, or so I managed to persuade myself.
But I wasn’t getting any younger and if I – we – were to have a child, we didn’t have too many years left. It had never occurred to me that Bob might not want another child. He had Rhuairi, but surely, he’d like his son to have a sibling – a little brother or sister to share his life with? My imagination was working overtime, so I was glad when Bob proposed a toast.
‘To another wonderful year.’ He raised his glass, his eyes twinkling, and I fell under his spell again and raised my glass to join his.
‘To us,’ I said daringly, holding my breath as I remembered his reaction to Alan’s similar toast. He didn’t contradict me, but his eyes took on that faraway look I’d been seeing recently.
I wasn’t sure what it meant, but sometimes I had the feeling that even though we were in the same room, sitting together, he was with me in body, but not in spirit. His mind was elsewhere. I shook my head slightly to dismiss those suspicions, for that’s all they were. They were the thoughts that came in the dark of night when sleep eluded me, when Maisie’s words came back to haunt me, to tell me he’d leave me again.
I took a deep breath and asked the question I’d planned before Bob had surprised me with the ring.
‘My sisters and I wondered if you – and Rhuairi of course – would join us for Sunday lunch?’ I held my breath as I waited for his reply. We’d been seeing each other for almost a year and I had yet to meet his son. Nan had suggested this invitation as a way of expediting the meeting – an informal get-together. ‘My niece must be around his age…’ I found myself babbling and bit my tongue to allow Bob to reply.
‘I’m not sure,’ he said, slowly. ‘We usually go to his grandparents on Sundays – Mhairi’s folks. They like to see the boy. His uncle and aunt are there too. They’ve no children of their own’ He looked down, avoiding my eyes.
I twisted the ring on my finger, willing him to agree. Surely they could miss one Sunday with the boy’s family? I didn’t think of them as Bob’s family. They belonged to that part of his life I wanted to forget. I knew Bob’s own family were dead. He’d told me. His brothers had both been killed in the war and his parents had died not long after. We were both orphans. I liked that. It gave us something in common. We could be all things to each other if only…
He hesitated, picked up his glass then put it down again. ‘Maybe… just this once. Which Sunday did you have in mind?’
My stomach took a wild leap. He was going to agree! ‘How about Sunday week?’ I suggested, pretending to be calm, while a rush of adrenaline overtook me.
‘I’ll have to ask Rhuairi.’
And with that I had to be content.
*
‘Well?’ Nan called to me as soon as I walked in.
I ignored her while I hung up my coat, then joined her by the radio which was playing softly. ‘Isobel in bed?’ I asked, helping myself from the bowl of sweets on the low table, making sure my new ring was in her line of sight.
‘What’s that? Did Bob…’
‘Birthday present.’ I flourished the ring in front of her. ‘But, it’s not an engagement ring.’ I could hear the disappointment in my voice and turned away to avoid the look of pity in her eyes.
I blinked away the tears and tried to inject a note of excitement into my voice before speaking again. ‘He’s agreed to lunch. Next Sunday, with Rhuairi.’ I turned back to face my sister. ‘It’s a good sign, isn’t it?’ My voice wobbled. I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore.
*
By the time Sunday arrived, I was a bag of nerves. I’d seen Bob once since he gave me the ring, but it had been a rushed cup of tea in the city and, although he’d seemed to act normally, the extra something I’d been looking for wasn’t there. I knew I was probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but the memory of his odd behaviour at Eileen’s kept forcing itself into my mind.
I’d shared my misgivings with Nan who’d told me not to be silly, that Bob had, no doubt, more to think about than me and it would all come out in the wash – a favourite expression of Mother’s which did nothing to calm my fears.
One person who was excited about the lunch was young Isobel. She couldn’t wait to meet the unknown Rhuairi and was full of questions about him – none of which I could answer. She was just at the age when a visit from a new boy, especially one with an exotic name, was the highlight of her week. Her eagerness amused me, and I wished I could feel some of her youthful exuberance. I wasn’t sure why, but I was dreading this lunch which I’d been at such pains to arrange.
‘Sit down and take a deep breath,’ Nan said, pushing me into a chair. ‘He’s only a man. You’re acting as if the Prime Minister himself is coming to lunch.’
‘I’m sorry.’ I took a deep breath, but couldn’t sit still. This lunch was a big deal. It was the first time I’d introduced Bob to my family. For me, it was tantamount to announcing our relationship to the world.
Did Bob see it that way too? Was that why he’d hesitated? But he had agreed to come, I reminded myself. Maybe Nan was right and I was making too much of what was, after all, only a family Sunday lunch. Part of the family, at least. The aunts who’d been living with us since the war and had outlived our parents, were making their weekly pilgrimage to the cemetery followed by lunch with a group of friends.
‘They’re here!’ Isobel’s voice called from the hallway where she’d been waiting impatiently.
