Under Fire: A Florida Glaze Hockey Romance, page 18
“Oh, it’s not? You mean you thought through the logistics of kids being here when you planned to have a party after they’re asleep? Or how about stocking the fridge with beer instead things for kids to drink, which I’m assuming is all we’d find if I opened it right now. You know I had to pry a margarita pouch from Kody’s hands today, again, because he thought it was a juice pouch?”
“You can’t blame me for that one. I didn’t even know it was there.”
I know I’ve gone too far when Lacy’s eyes flair with anger. My statement seems to be the straw that breaks this argument wide open.
“Well maybe you should have,” she hisses.
“And maybe you shouldn’t have been sheltering them from things like get-togethers with other people so they would know the difference between alcohol and juice for the last three years.”
I don’t know why I’m still arguing. Don’t know why my mouth won’t stop, but it’s like every frustration I’ve had, every angry thought about how unfair it is to have lost so much time with my daughter is directed at her. And she’s not even the right target. That doesn’t stop my mouth though.
Once again, Lacy rears back. Poking at Lacy for not exposing Sutton to life when they were just trying to survive is a hot button issue I should never touch on. I’ve screwed up badly this time.
“I’m so sorry,” I backtrack quickly. “I didn’t mean that.”
Lacy leans in, nostrils flaring. “Yes, Tucker. That’s what I was doing. I was living in my car and eating two-day-old hot dogs I was supposed to throw out at work so I didn’t starve to death, all so I could shelter her from the real world.”
Not only is her voice full of more venom than I’ve ever heard, she’s using air quotes. I’m going to have some major groveling to do later. But not now. She’s still on a roll and I know better than to interrupt.
“No, I wasn’t trying to scrape together money for formula since WIC didn’t know what to do without us having an address on record so they couldn’t figure out how to help us. No. I was purposely not teaching her about the different kinds of alcohol she couldn’t drink.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, taking her reprimand. She’s reminding me in her own way that the one of us who was living in a fantasy, the one of us who was being sheltered from the real world the last few years was me. Not her. Not Sutton.
Me.
Shame burns through me as my ego completely deflates. I’m a dick, all the way around, I’m the ass in this situation. I feel horrible.
“Lacy,” I try quietly but she cuts me off with a hand in my face.
“No. You can fuck right off, Tucker.” She grabs Sutton’s hand, walking toward the back door. “We’re spending the night in the pool house.”
I immediately follow her. “Lacy, you don’t have to leave. You’re right. You’re right about all of it. We’ll just move to the media room or something.”
She looks over her shoulder, giving me the angriest glare I’ve ever seen. Even worse than the night we met up at the bar for the second time.
“Oh no. This is your house so you do whatever you want. We’ve been fine without you before. We’ll be fine again.”
The room goes deathly silent as she slams the door behind her. I’m left standing in the middle of the room feeling embarrassed to have been called out in front of my team. But more than that, feeling ashamed at the way I spoke to her.
A throat clears behind me and my head drops. Turning around, I try to make a joke out of it. “So uh…looks like I’m still working on what it means to be a dad, huh?”
No one says anything until Maks finally pipes up. “This party is a real downer. I’m going to hit a club. Anyone want to join me?”
Four big bodies all jump up into action at the same time, making false apologies and excuses about early morning practice. Becker even tosses in a fake yawn for good measure.
Within seconds, they’re out the door, leaving me behind to stand here alone in my shame. That’s when it occurs to me—I haven’t even told her about the news report yet. Groveling may be an understatement.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
LACY
The sun is shining, there is a nice breeze, and happy squeals come from the kids as they play on the swing set.
None of it matches my mood at all. I’m feeling dejected and alone and not quite sure how to navigate this rift Tucker and I seem to have.
It doesn’t help that I woke up to a text from my sister saying my face is all over the news, during the sports reports only, but still being talked about as the mystery woman who apparently has a secret child with local hockey hero Tucker Hayes. It wasn’t the news I was hoping to wake up to this morning, but I guess it’s not terribly surprising. He’s never tried to hide Sutton. Not ever.
From the beginning, as soon as the shock wore off from finding out he has a child, Tucker has embraced fatherhood with a vengeance. I can tell he wants to be a good dad so much. Hell, he jumps in to fix problems as they arise, not even flinching if he has to throw money at it.
Maybe that’s part of the problem—the ease of the money.
Sure the stress of wondering where the next meal is coming from is gone and there is something freeing about not having to worry how rent is going to be paid. But that’s not all there is to parenting. It also means making your kids a priority, even over your friends. It means seeing things from their perspective so you can anticipate potential problems and prevent them. It means remembering they’re not small adults. They’re little humans and they still have to grow up before being introduced to adult issues.
And yet, as they laugh and twirl and play, I’m reminded of how happy they are here and how much they love Tucker already. How did everything fall apart so quickly?
Speaking of the devil, the back door opens and Tucker comes through. He’s missing his normal swagger. All the confidence he usually exudes is missing.
“Hey.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and it occurs to me that he’s nervous. Good. He should be after the shit he said to me last night.
“Hey,” I reply, refusing to make eye contact, opting to watch the kids instead.
He stands quietly for a moment before the awkward silence becomes too much for him. “How has their day been so far?”
“Well, they’ve been pretty cranky all day because some jack ass woke them up in the middle of the night having a party.”
I catch his wince out of the corner of my eye. “I deserve that.”
“Yup.”
“And how has your day been? Besides the cranky kids, I mean.”
“Well there are a few apartments open in the area that will fit us and match my budget so I guess you can call that a win.”
“Apartments? Why are you looking at apartments?”
I finally look over at him. It was unfair of me to throw that out. I’m not seriously considering moving out at this point. Not yet anyway. But in my anger last night and with my inability to go back to sleep, I admit to doing a quick online search of apartments. Having a backup plan helped me calm down a bit so I could finally get some rest. It wasn’t enough, but it was better than nothing.
“It wasn’t a serious search,” I admit. “I don’t want to leave but we can’t raise these kids in a bachelor pad with people coming in and out at all hours. That’s neither safe nor healthy for them.”
He pulls a chair up next to me and sits down. “But Lacy, moving? That’s a bit premature, don’t you think?”
“You suggest I wait until the kids accidentally get alcohol poisoning from mistaking your adult beverage pouches with applesauce? Or maybe after some drunk accidentally wanders into Sutton’s room and passes out on her bed while she’s on the top bunk? Are those better options?”
“Well no, of course not. I…” He shakes his head and leans forward, resting his elbow on his knees. “I get it, okay? I’m not good at this dad thing.”
“Ya think?”
“I mean, I love them and I want to give them the world. I just… I didn’t have a dad for very long while growing up. My brothers and I basically raised each other while my mom worked her tail off. It was like living in a frat house sometimes, and it was so full of noise, I got used to it. I still don’t really hear it.”
“So what, you want us to just get over it? Let the kids watch Maks have a three-some on the patio and learn how to sleep through parties?”
“No. I want you to teach me how to do it differently. Do it better.”
Of all the things I expected him to say, that wasn’t anywhere on my radar. “Teach you?”
“Teach me how it should be done. My mother was fantastic and I’m sure she did all these things. I just don’t remember that part. Teach me what a routine for a kid needs to be and how to set up the house so they’re safe. I think I got the locks right with the pool so that’s good. But like…do I need to get outlet covers or hide wires? I didn’t even think about any of that until last night and now it’s all I can think about. I went online and looked up some kid-raising books but I couldn’t find anything for three-year-olds, only babies and now I’m not sure what to do. I want to do this right, Lacy. I don’t want to lose this little family.”
I finally look into his eyes, really look, and see the pleading in them. The longing to be with the kids the right way. Maybe even a longing to be with me.
My heart thumps loudly as I realize we’re at a crossroads and I’m the one in control here. I’m the one who decides how this is going to work. I’m not locked into living here, money is no longer an object.
But I’m afraid.
Afraid that Tucker’s words are just that—words. That when the luster of having a shiny new family wears off, we’ll be disposable. That his fun, fast-paced lifestyle complete with all night get-togethers and loose women will be more important than us. That we’ll never match up, never compare, and in the end, we’ll lose.
Tucker licks his lips and clasps his hands together, his facial expression devoid of the carefree attitude he normally has.
“Lacy, I screwed up. Several times. I know that. I didn’t think and I was selfish and never even thought about the fact that I was probably introducing the kids to things they shouldn’t be exposed to. And I never considered your feelings either.”
He looks up at me, guilt written all over his face.
“I don’t want you to go. I just found you again.”
“Sutton or me?”
The words are out of my mouth before I even realize I’m thinking them. I can’t take them back, and I’m not sure I want to. I know Tucker is going to be around for his daughter. He’s made every effort to prove that to me. Even this conversation shows that he wants to be the best father he can be, he just needs some guidance.
What I don’t know is where I fit into that equation, and I hate that it bothers me. I hate that the more I’ve gotten to know Tucker, the more I’ve fallen for him. The more I’ve begun hoping that his priority isn’t just about Sutton, but about me too. It makes me uncomfortable knowing he’s holding a piece of my heart. I want to take it back and protect it, like I’ve done for years with almost every person I know. Like I started doing as a child when I realized I wasn’t ever going to be good enough to be loved unconditionally.
And yet, it’s true. I want Tucker. I’ve fallen for him. Not trusting that he feels the same way terrifies me and makes me want to run away. The only thing keeping me from doing just that is sitting on a yellow swing right now, wind blowing in her hair while she smiles brightly at her best friend.
“Both of you,” Tucker finally says.
All the air whooshes out of my lungs.
He grabs my hand and rubs his thumb over my knuckles, watching the movement as he speaks. “I used to dream about you sometimes. You wearing that damn backless black dress,” he says with a chuckle. “I remember when I left you that morning, you were so beautiful all tangled up in the sheets, still asleep. And I remember wishing we had more time together. Feeling like I wanted to get to know you more. No one has ever called to me the way you did. And still do.”
He looks up at me again, a small smile tilting his lips. “I pushed away those memories because there was no sense in hanging onto them, but when I found that dress in your closet, it all came back. All I could think about was how lucky I am to have found you again. To have time to get to know each other. To have the opportunity to be a family with you. I never knew I wanted that until I found out why you threw that drink in my face.”
“The Beluga Gold?” I ask with a small smile.
“You really could have used something cheaper and still gotten the same effect,” he jokes before turning serious again. “Please don’t go, Lacy. Stay and work things out with me. Help me be a better father and let me try to be a partner to you. I just want a chance for us to be a family.”
Warmth washes over me as I take in the sincerity of his words. I have no doubt Tucker wants to make this work for all of us. My doubt comes from how long that desire will last. But I owe it to my daughter, and I suppose to myself, to try. I might get burned in the end, but for all of our sakes, I have to suck up my own fears and give it a shot.
I cup Tucker’s cheeks with my hands and pull him closer so I can look him in the eye, no distractions, just us. “I spent years hating you for leaving us, blaming you for a situation that was out of your control.” He gulps loudly and lowers his lids. “Really what I was doing was protecting myself and trying to protect Sutton. I’m so tired of holding up these walls.” He looks back up and I see the hope in his gaze. “I want to trust that we’re in this together for the long haul. It’s going to take time and we obviously have some things to work out, but I want to try. For her. For me.”
I smile at him and pull him closer until our lips are just a hairsbreadth away, and I wait. Wait for him to accept my invitation. Wait for him to be the one to initiate contact. I can’t be the one to do it anymore. I can’t be the one doing the chasing. I need him to be the one to go the extra mile, or in this case, the extra inch.
Finally, he does. Leaning forward, his lips take mine in a gentle, lingering peck. Sparks don’t fly and I don’t hear any proverbial explosions, but I feel the warmth all the way down to my toes. A comfort overtakes me that this is right. This situation is exactly as it should be. Tucker isn’t going anywhere, and neither are we, even when hard things happen. My body knows it instinctively and my mind is starting to believe it, too.
We give each other gentle kisses for a few more minutes, no tongue, just easy pressure as we tentatively learn each other again, all too aware that little eyes may be watching at any moment.
Sure enough, small giggles have us pulling away, our faces staying close.
Tucker clears his throat. “Hey kids. What’s going on?”
“Daddy, will you push me on the swing?” Sutton looks back and forth at us, and I know she’s wondering what in the world she just witnessed, even if she isn’t asking.
“Sure I will. But wasn’t Kody doing a good job?”
We stand and begin walking with the kids into the lush backyard.
“No. We tried to swing but it broke.”
“It broke?” I ask, confused as to how that could happen. I’ve been sitting here with them all morning. It was fine before Tucker got home.
“Yeah,” Kody adds. “They don’t work.”
Tucker and I inspect the swings, which look perfectly fine to us, making their concerns even more confusing.
“Show me where it’s broken, baby girl,” Tucker says, and Sutton climbs on the swing as quickly as her little three-year-old body can do it.
He helps her get situated and the problem reveals itself pretty quick. She’s pumping her legs rapidly making the swing jerk back and forth, but never gaining enough momentum to actually go anywhere.
Tucker grabs the chain and pulls her backwards. “I got you, baby girl,” he says lovingly and let’s go so she can sail forward through the air.
“Me, too!” Kody scrambles onto his own swing so I can make myself useful pushing him, too.
It’s peaceful, just the four of us, enjoying the outdoors on this beautiful December day.
“Thank you, Tucker,” I finally say, trying to do better about expressing my gratitude.
“For what?”
“For finding us. For helping us. And for wanting to be with us.”
His face softens as he looks at me, somehow still managing to push the swing without getting nailed by it. “Thank you, Lacy. For her. For them. I’ve never been so happy in all my life.”
Oddly enough, I’m starting to feel the same way too.
“Hey kids,” Tucker suddenly says. “Let’s switch.”
They both jump off their swing and Tucker takes a few minutes to situate them with Kody sitting and Sutton pushing.
I furrow my brows in confusion.
“Sit down,” he instructs.
“What?”
He gestures to the swing. “It’s your turn.”
I do as he instructs, pushing myself backward so I can swing forward. Tucker’s hands strategically touch my ass every time he pushes me. I don’t mind. The swinging motion, combined with the kids’ chatter is soothing in a way I didn’t know I needed.
Suddenly, I’m stopped mid-air, Tucker holding me to him, his biceps no doubt flexing from the strain.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his lips next to my ear, making me shiver.
I glance back at him, my heart softening again. “I’m sorry, too. I’m trying to be less…reactionary.”
He lets go and I swing forward, the wind blowing my hair back.
“And I’m trying to be more thoughtful.”
“We’ll get there,” I say, with more conviction than I feel, but I’m determined to get past my own reservations, even if it takes time.
“There’s just one little bump in the road we’re going to have to fix.”
I sigh deeply because I know what’s coming. “We need to make a statement about the mystery woman and your secret child, don’t we?”
